[rishnj]

I have a foster son who has been with me for 9 months (they thought they he would be with me only for a couple of months at best) but it looks like he will be returning to biological parent within the next few months. I love him and he loves me. We have bonded over these last 9 months. How do I help him transition and cope appropriately myself?

[JJemail1]

First of all, I’m so sorry for you—reunification (despite an ideal thing usually) can be as painful as death based on my experience. What I learned, and what I would do “next time” or if I were in your shoes is:

1) Be aggressive with the caseworker to push for multiple, increasing visits with the parent(s) prior to reunification. (i.e. once a week, then twice a week, then perhaps a weekend visit prior to reunification)
2) Offer to transport your child to these visits so you can at least meet the relative(s). This might give you the opportunity to develop a relationship (no matter how small), exchange information, and encourage continued contact after reunification. (If biological family doesn’t feel threatened by you—if they feel like you support them—they may be more inclined to allow future contact with the child.) Note: this is absolutely contingent upon your feeling safe in the situation.
3) Prepare your child for these visits and for the inevitable transition back home. Speak positively about the change (even though it may kill you inside). Reinforce your love for the child and reassure him/her that you love him/her, even if you might not get to live together anymore. (I can’t give much advice here having not been in the situation and this is an incredibly slippery slope because we don’t ever know if we’ll get to see these children again or not so we must be careful not to make any definitive promises for things that aren’t definitively known. An example of a promise we can’t always make since we don’t know if bios will be willing to keep in touch: “Don’t worry, we’ll call and write.”)
4) For your foster child’s sake, create a brief letter or document for their parent that describes the child’s daily routine, favorite things, notable behavior (i.e. “Billy likes to sleep with a night light” or “recently, Billy has developed a fear of monsters at night.”) and health history during time in foster care.
5) Also for your foster child’s sake, begin working on a scrapbook together, which contains photos, stories and anything else you’d like to include to remind him/her of his/her time with you. This can help them still feel connected to you (if only in a tiny way) after reunification. This is also an extremely humane thing to do in the event (Heaven forbid) the parent(s) refuse to allow contact after reunification (which we experienced with a baby we raised from birth—it was essentially like a death). Even if the child is a baby, I would still make this scrapbook. You could even make it “baby proof” by sealing sheets in plastic, etc.
6) Prepare yourself for the possibility of never seeing this child again. I know this sounds harsh but it is my reality and I wish I would have prepared myself and heart. I don’t know if I could have done anything different but perhaps I might have expected some of the emotions I experienced (which were similar to mourning: shock, disbelief, anger, regret, helplessness, and eventually, acceptance).

I hope this helps. Again, my heart goes out to you.
Jennifer

[RandomReality]

Such good advice JJ!
I know your heart still aches for your little baby, but I am so glad you were able to give this advice to Rish.

[vernellinnj]

If the child is old enough to understand, tell him that you don't have to see someone everyday to love them. Tell him how much you love him and always will.