[copswife166]

Hello everyone! My name is Kate and my husband and I have three children, two girls, ages 10 and 9 and a seven year-old boy who has autism. I am planning on attending an informational meeting this Friday. We live in Monmouth County. We would like to foster and, hopfully, adopt an infant. We are open to race and sex. We haven't told our families of our plans yet. We have metioned it to some friends and they all think we're crazy! We're not expecting much family support either. When did all of you divulge your plans and how did your families react?

[Joei_in_NJ]

Hi Kate welcome - everyone here is really nice and I've learned alot and I am still learning from this site.

We haven't told our families of our plans yet. We have metioned it to some friends and they all think we're crazy! We're not expecting much family support either. When did all of you divulge your plans and how did your families react?

Our moms knew before anyone - we decided about 3 years ago - we wanted to wait until we bought our house- then DH 's mom passed away, we bought the house, had construction going on, dh had surgery - needless to say we put it off until this July when officially we decided to continue - my 2 best friends were always very supportive but my best friend ( since we were 5 yrs old) funny enough was real cool with the idea until she finally got the referral in the mail and then she was like " I don't know how you will be able to handle taking kids in and then having to let them go" so I had to polietly tell her that it wasn't aboit me - if I was able to give 1 day or 1 month were as a child was safe, loved, cared for, and not hungry then I did my job.

[RandomReality]

I told everyone in my family and while they weren't surprised, they were worried in case I got my heart broken if I had to give a child "back." (Which could happen). I also prepared them for a child of another race (I am white) and asked my friends tough questions.
In the end, it, is what YOU think that matters. Now that I have my son, it is like my Mom and Dad never had one moment's hesitation (ha). They have forgotten all the worry they threw my way.
Now, because I am single, I DO get some wacky comments like, "Why didn't you just go to a bar and pick up someone and get pregnant" and "Why didn't you just use a sperm bank."
Puh-leeze.

[RandomReality]

Oh and taking up what Joei wrote, many of my friends projected their OWN worries, fears etc. onto me. I too, had to explain that HOWEVER long I had with a child, it would be a good thing because I was helping out. Just because OTHER people couldn't be foster parents, doesn't mean YOU can't. Because you can and you will

[copswife166]

Thanks so much for your support. I am scared, excited, happy, worried, etc...all at the same time. We were signed up for the PRIDE classes last spring, but were unable to attend because my husband just began a new job... The timing is much better now and I feel like we are ready. I have so many questions!!! I'm just trying to read the board and learn all I can right now. Does anyone have any experience with private agencies for foster care training (PRIDE)? Thanks!-Kate

[QueenEsther]

Hi Kate,

We told our families and were pleasantly surprised by their support. Even people I expected to be cool on the idea were very supportive.

We went through a private agency - Just Babies - and loved it. The classes moved my husband from 'doing this with reservations' to 'super gung ho', which is important. I chose them based on the rave reviews I read on here. What would you like to know about going through a private agency?

[chickie1221]

We went through Just Babies, also. Those ladies are the tops! We got all done and licensed much faster through them. I understand they are not placing babies anymore, that DYFS is in control of all the placements. Out of our May '07 class, at least 5 families were licensed and had received placements by the first week of Aug '07. I know two were African American newborns, and adoption has been finalized already on at least one (a Caucasian Monmouth County family, by the way). Another family received 3 little girls (sisters) and their adoptions were finalized soon after the 6 month waiting period. Our little girl is a special needs baby that I had already known. She was close to TPR when we brought her home, and her adoption was finalized this August, a year after she came home.
We are Caucasian, and our little girl is African American, and my family and friends have been nothing but thrilled and supportive. My husband was more cautious, but his family's attitude was "About d*mn time you had a kid!" We are in Northern Ocean County.

[irelady10]

I, too, went through Just Babeis- this is an amazing agency. The ladies who run it are awesome (although they aren't facilitating placements anymore- but, I think being a "Just Babies" family pulls some weight with DYFS).. I started training in September 07, was licensed by December, and received my placement in Feb. 08 (a newborn baby who came straight from the hospital and who is the cutest little 10 month old on the face of this earth!!). I should be adopting him in early 09...fost adopt is an amazing experience- its a total roller coaster ride, but if you can survive the ups and downs, its SOOO worth it. I can't tell you how in love I am with my soon-to-be-son!

[QueenEsther]

Kate, in terms of telling family & friends, what I think made the difference in their reaction was how we presented it. We told them that we had exciting news, and that we were thrilled and so excited, and all but the most absolute wet blankets picked up on the fact that we thought this was a GOOD THING, so they were supportive. And then they offered baby stuff to clean out their basement/garage/attics.

[mamala]

We had fostered for a bit before we got an adoptive placement. We were licensed for both (which means they write the homestudy 2 different ways and send one to the adoptive unit in Trenton, and one goes to the local resource office for fostering).

So we had a harder time explaining to them that this one was staying.

Fostering was really good for feeling out the family's reactions to other races. When we fostered, we made sure that everyone (including ourselves) assumed the child was going home no matter how hopeless it looked... (and even the most hopeless looking case DID go home). We set the expectation that the kids WOULD leave and that our role was to help them in their time of crisis and need. People who said "what if they have to leave" were told "there's no 'what if'... fostering means they WILL leave. Giving them the love and support they need while they can't have their family is more important than crying for a few days." We knew that if a placement went adoptive, it was way easier to deal with that change than having kids come in, have the family & friends get their hopes up or be on that roller coaster and have the child leave.

We told people that fostering would help us 1) feel like a family until we got our "forever" child; 2) would help us learn how to handle common issues with children from foster care (and truly--it did), and 3) would help us understand what ages we could really handle and felt most comfortable with. They took it as a mutually-beneficial situation because they saw where we were getting something out of it even if the kids left.

For whatever reason, people left us alone about it when they felt we were gaining something out of the situation when all they could see was what we would lose. Does that make sense?

[kimyas]

I would love to foster infants and young childen about ages 2-3. I am looking for a boy or girl caucasian. I havent done anythign to get the ball going. I am just wondering is it easier if i do foster to adopt. I have heard I could get babies if I go to foster and possibly be able to adopt that baby. If someone can give me information that would be helpful. Last time I called DYFS they told me I needed to accept an 8 yr old to adopt. Thanks

Kim
Ocean County NJ

[chickie1221]

Originally Posted by kimyas

Last time I called DYFS they told me I needed to accept an 8 yr old to adopt.
Ocean County NJ

Kim, something is not right here in Ocean County, because it took them 11 weeks and 3 messages (one email, two by phone) before they responded to our inquiries about training classes, and then they were very discouraging (Oh, there's no babies available...Are you SURE you want to do this? Maybe you'd better think this over for a while...). Um, yeah, Honey, I think we've had PLENTY of time to think this over, and by the way, we're already signed up for the classes with Just Babies, who have been nothing but supportive and encouraging...
Since we were licensed 18 months ago, we have been offered no less than 3 other fost/adopt infants (one by DYFS and 2 via the "fostermommy network"), but our special needs toddler (pre-identified fost/adopt, now our daughter forever) needs all of our attention.
No babies available? I don't buy it. True, there are fewer here in Ocean than in Essex, and now that they're doing that "place within the Catchement" thing, there are fewer still, but come on. It is true that you will almost never come across an infant that is free for adoption, because the whole legal process usually takes more than a year. You would really boost your chances for fost/adopting an infant if you widened your parameters to include all races and mixed race heritage. If you narrow the parameters to only caucasion, and already TPR'ed (freed for adoption) but not in a permanent placement yet, ie "Adopt only", you may well be looking at only school-aged children and teens.

[arubagirl]

There are lots of younger kids/ babies in Ocean county... I get calls often... but lots ofsibling groups as well./..

[BethanyB]

I used Just Babies too and recommend them to everyone. Everything gets done so much quicker. I only waited four days after being certified to get the call for my son. He was two weeks old. Then a year later I got the call for my son's bio sister. Everything went smoothly. They were both about a year and a half old when they were formally adopted. They are now three and four years old.

[kimyas]

Ok do I call DYFS first to get started or do I get in contact with Just Babies to find out about the training. Also how do I find out about this Just babies training if they are still doing it? Post here or pm or you can email me at chesneygirl007@aol.com. I want to give this foster adopt a try and just maybe I will get lucky and get a baby or an infant in my care and hopefully adopt.

Kim
Ocean County NJ