[bettynme]

My husband and I have been licensed for a year straight adoption. We have had a supervisory and recieved written reports about an 8 yr old child...We think we have asked all the right questions and tentatively want to move forward. The child's worker says that the next step would be to meet the child. Is it reasonable to ask to speak to the current foster mother and or the child's teacher prior to the meeting or would this be out of line? The child has experienced several disruptions and we want to avoid adding to his tally. Please share your opinions and experiences....
thanks

[vernellinnj]

No experience with this situation...

Opinion....speak to anyone and everyone you can - in the end, it's in the best interest of the child if you have more information.

[JJemail1]

bettynme,

Bless you for being so in-tune with the child's interests. A meeting like this will be very exciting for an 8-year-old who knows perfectly well what adoption is and what meetings like this could mean for his or her future.

At one point we were going to meet a 3 year old boy but after careful investigation and contemplation we decided not to move forward before the visit occured (mostly timing related--they needed an immediate placement and we needed a bit more time to move into our new home, etc.). Anyway, the caseworker thanked me for deciding sooner rather than later because the little boy had already been to meetings where families decided not to take him for one reason or another after the boy had been on 2 hour drives to their home, etc.

I would say save the meeting for when you are all but certain this is the child for you. If after the meeting, you find the child isn't the fit you thought s/he may be, you can have peace of mind that you did everything possible before hand to make your decision. It's so hard to know in one visit--kids never act themselves with strangers. Maybe there's a way to go out to dinner or ice cream with the foster parent, child and caseworker...something casual and fun and not so intimidating but still an opportunity to get to know the child as visiting "friends" instead of "potential parents". In my experience, DYFS was much more flexible with meetings for adoptable children. It wasn't as standardized as foster care.

Best wishes,
Jennifer

[bettynme]

Thanks for the encouragement.. We just want to be sure we can provide the right kind of environment and needed supervision. We are necessarily a two income family and don't want to bring a child into our home that we can't give 100% of what he may need. We have called the case worker and requested a meeting with the foster mom. The child has had so many adoption disruptions and seen foster sibling be adopted that every time he sees an individual he does not know he worries that they could be potential parents. We think there is the potential here, but want to be all but sure before meeting him....

[bettynme]

update...we were given permission to call the foster mother...so here it goes...any suggestions on questions not to forget....?

[dyna267]

I will gladly share my experiences with you and hope they may offer some help to you. We had two supervisorys where we pretty much knew immediately that the placement would not work and let the caseworkers know right away. It was a hard decision but better than a failed placement.

Just as we were ready to give up hope after reaching our third year in this process we were surprised to get a call about a 7 year old child. We had the supervisory but still had some questions. The caseworker encouraged us to take our time. We asked for the psychologist's report. I took that along with the Part B history to a trained professional to explain what I was actually reading and what he thought might be serious issues. The foster parents were lovely and answered all our questions. All together it took a few weeks before we committed to meet the child.

Our first meeting took place in a Friendly's Ice Cream Restaurant with the child, the caseworker and my husband and myself. Although we were all nervous it turned out really well. The second visit was in our home for four hours with the child and the caseworker. The third was an all day visit in our home with just the child. However, in all visits the caseworker has transported the child home to get an idea from his perspective how things are going. This weekend we are having our first overnight visit. Things are progressing wonderfully!! However, I must admit bedtime was a little tough. It was hard to get him to fall asleep...but I'm sure that's the case most times on the first sleep over.

My impression has been that the caseworkers would rather you say no, then to say yes only to change your mind. Take your time and speak to everyone you think can offer insight. I hope things turn out as great for you as they have for us!!

[bettynme]

Thanks for sharing your experience. We too have taken alot of time pouring over everything from psych reports to IEP to medical histories. We spoke to the foster mother for almost two hours and we gained alot more clarity as she filled in some missing pieces as you say...After a week of prayer and contemplation and discussion, we have decided pursue the match and plan the first visit. The state can be slow in returning calls. Hopefully we can have it soon. We are very excited to meet him. We certainly do not want to rush. But would like to have at least the first date set aside. I have made a picture book containing photos of the household residents, including pets, the elementary school, our Wawa, our parents and our best friends. I also added narratives to the pages, giving simple descriptions of ourselves and our family members and town. We plan to give this to him at the end of the first meeting for him to take home.
dyna267, How far apart have your visits been scheduled. Is there a set format or number of visits and a progression of them or do they seem to be planned as you go? Thanks again for taking the time to share. Continued blessings...
betty

[RandomReality]

Good luck! I am thinking good thoughts for you and that if it is meant to work out, it will.