[dmdero]

Hello,

My husband and I are in the process of hopefully adopting through the Foster Care system in NJ. We have met with the recruiter, submitted our application, completed our background checks and fingerprints and begin training next week. We have not yet been assigned a case worker but have been assured it will happen within the next few weeks.

My concern is that we are being unrealistic in expecting that a healthy child under the age of 5 will be found for us. We are not concerned with race or gender, however we do not want a child with any mental or physical disabilities. A child exposed to drugs or alcohol, but not addicted, would be ok. We are not interested in just being foster parents, we want a child to adopt - but our recruiter told us that there are more children for potential adoption in our age range in the Fost/Adopt programs in NJ.

I was hoping someone out there who has been through this could share their experience and let us know if we are being unrealistic.

Thanks so much for your help!

[Happy123]

To be honest, I do not know of many foster/adopted children that were born healthy. Many will have drug/alcohol issues. If you go up to age five, you face possible neglect issues along w/ possible attachment issues. Even though they are under the age of five, some have faced more than we as adults have faced. We adopted out of FC and he was 4 and a half. We still face behavioral issues (now very minor) and he was removed from bio home at 3 and 1/2. His bio brother was 2 and 1/2 when we got him and he has major developmental delays (which we knew about). Their bio sibling who was removed at birth is so far on target. The SW kept telling us how lucky we were to get a healthy newborn.

What I keep in mind is that even w/ bio children their are no guarantees. My own bio daughter has multiple learning disabilities along w/ minor emotional issues. You may have a longer wait to have a match w/ your criteria.

Happy123

[leenab]

the majority of the children in the fostercare system have issues, be they medical, behavioral, learning, issues related to exposure to physical as well as sexual abuse and neglect of all forms, etc. Both of my sons were place through fost/adopt at young ages: 2 1/2 and 3 1/2 yrs old. Both have had issues and still do.

Even although one of my son's hasn't seen his biomom in about 2 years he still remembers what happened when he lives with her and has occassional nightmares about it. And now that he's getting older, he has a lot more questions. He also has asthma , sensory issues and ADHD.

Our other son had major behavioral problems when he was placed: attachment issues, adjustment disorder, and a lot of ODD. He still has adjustment issues and we have to plan for any transitions well in advance. He has huge fears of being abandoned, nightmares that people are going to take him away at night and that he won't find us. All of this is from things that have happened to him in previous placements. And as he gets old he's developing an understanding of these things too.

So things we've delt with from the children we've fostered have been: developmental delays, severe burns, below the 5th % in weight (our pediatrican put the child back on formula), ringworm, asthma, fecal smearing, tantrums lasting 2 hours, throwing groceries out of the cart at the store, screaming at daycare dropoff, inappropriate urination (like all over the floor on purpose), destroying furniture, children who'd been sexually abused by biofamily acting out on other children in our home, the list goes on.

We were able to deal with everything, but the sexual acting out was too much for us to handle. And the child had to be moved to another fosterhome. Had we known she was SA we would have never accepted her as a placement, as we have other young children in the house and don't accept SA children as a general rule.

I hope you understand the just because a child is still young, under 5, doesn't automatically make them issue free.

I love both of my sons, they're wonderful. But they do both have issues. We have a very structured / scheduled life as that seems to help.

There's a lot of great info out there as well as helpful training from Foster & Adoptive family Services, FAFS, which counts towards the 10 annual hours required by BOL.

[gigisam]

Hi. I don't have an answer but wanted to let you know I'm in the same boat as you. I'm just a little ahead of you, we've finished our classes and our file has been sent to Trenton. We also would like to adopt any race 0-4, we're willing to accept a pretty wide range of disabilities/potential problems.
We're supposed to have the home study done within the next 2.5 weeks and then the matching process will start (from my understanding). I will check back in and let you know how long it takes! Feel free to pm me if you want to talk more.

[3timesacharm]

My husband and I were approved by Trenton in March 05. We were matched with our daughters, ages 3 and 7, in September 05. We originally specified ages 7 to 11. Obviously, one of the girls fit our criteria but the other was much younger. I can tell you from experience that children in the "system" will always come with some issues. Our three year old throws temper tantrams that would push the strongest adult to craziness and she was removed when she was only 1 year old. You have to remember that when you go straight adoption, which we did, most of the children have probably been in the system for some years. Our girls were in foster care for about 2 1/2 years before they came to us. Our oldest was in 8 homes before us and the youngest was in 10. It was explained to us that when you go straight adoption, you are dealing with children who have been in foster care for some time in order to get through all the legal junk associated with getting a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights). I believe our girls have suffered more in the foster homes they have been in then in their bio home just from the stories we have been told. One of their previous homes is completely closed and NEVER allowed to have children again. So you see, this is a long process for these kids and they all have some scars from their experiences. Our seven year old, who came to us only weeks after her birthday (so she had just turned 7) has multiple mulitple emotional issues. She is doing great in school. But she has PTSD and anxiety issues as well as being very parentified, which involves multiple behaviors and attitudes. I don't tell you any of this to discourage you. While I tell you that this has been the HARDEST thing we have ever done in our lives and I don't know if we would go through it again, I do believe we are doing the right thing. It is a long road but the rewards will be worth it.

[vernellinnj]

Does Just Babies service Somerset County residents? Can someone please PM me their contact information. I'm a current FP but I am looking into adoption.


I've done some research on private domestic AA (infant) - very expensive. With God's help...

[vernellinnj]

Received a call bak from Pat at Just Babies - very nice lady! I won't be able to use their services because I am already licensed through DYFS. She explained that I would simply need to contact my Resource Worker to tell her that I want to update my homestudy to fost/adopt.

A quote from Pat - "we don't ask for any money. All we ask for is your heart and we might break it."

[Dawn-NJ]

Wow, that was some quote from Pat.

[tobemoms]

Cheers to Pat for telling it like it is!

[futurefost.mom]

Hi, husband and I also went through state and took pride classes. We have been licensed for about a month now to adopt a sibling group of any race ages 0-8 years old. Open to drug/alcohol exposure and other issues as well. We are also in NJ. Hoping to have our children soon. Ive inquired about children on the heart gallery and so far everyone weve inquired about has already been placed. I jump for the phone every time it rings! We were told that up to age 5 is what most people are waiting for yet if we take sibling group we have better chance that it may be quicker. It's like we hear that there are so many children "waiting" but where are they. I know that they look for the right parents for the child and not the right child for the parents its all about them thats wonderful. Just wish it would happen soon. Good luck to you! I guess when the time is right, it will happen. Hopefully that time is soon !

[Tammi5143]

Everyone keep your prayers strong, and heads held high. The fost/adopt program is risky ... please remember that. Officially, there is not a fost/adopt program anymore ... unofficially, there is. Does that make sense?

When the child is placed in your home as fost/adopt, you are concerned the foster parent until the time that TPR is granted, and it goes from there. Fost/Adopt is simply that - the child(ren) is placed with you as a foster child, with the goal that the child(ren) be adopted by you.

All children will come with some type of problem - it is very, very, very rare that there will be a "healthy" child out there. Many of the infants are born exposed and/or addicted to drugs, alcohol, etc. Those children come with their own set of issues. Some may go through withdrawal, some may not. Some may experience developmental or educational problems down the line, some may not. It all depends.

My oldest son was born exposed to cocaine & heroine. He is a severe asthmatic and was recently diagnosed with Tourette's Syndrome (Tics). Is this due to the drug exposure at birth? We will never know.

My younger son was also exposed to drugs at birth. So far, no problems. He is a bit hyperactive, but what 4 year old is not? Keeping our fingers crossed ... BUT if something should arise, we will deal with it when that time comes.

My 3 year old daughter - no drug exposure, no alcohol exposure - nothing. Very, very rare. So far, we are on target with everything. BUT mental issues (slowness) runs in her maternal family. Could this be something we have to be concerned about down the line? Sure ---

My youngest daughter went through it all. She is almost 3 now, but WOW what a beginning she had. 3 1/2 months premature, 2 lbs at birth, drug exposed, failure to thrive, and the list goes on. She has had physical therapy (no longer) and still receives speech therapy. YES, I would say the small issues that she has was due to her rocky beginning ... but we are dealing with them.

Mind you, 3 out of my 4 children were placed through fost/adopt - 1 was through foster. We were very, very lucky. Almost lost my oldest son, and my oldest daughter. Prayer held me strong, and we have been blessed with 4 beautiful children. Now I foster infants, possibly with the hopes of adopting 1 more.

Any questions that anyone has about anything (medical, emotional, etc.) please e-mail me. I will help out all I can. I think I have basically run through the gamat out there, and I may be able to offer some support.

Good luck to everyone on their future placements!!!!!!

[RandomReality]

Okay, reading all those medical issues of the kids all in one thread has sort of freaked me out. Aiiieee. How will I handle all that. Aiiiiiieeee.

But then, two of my married mommy friends have biological kids with autism and another gave birth to a preemie that almost died and had a feeding tube for two years, so a healthy child is no guarantee anywhere.

And I just read a book about a lady who adopted one daughter from Russia and the other from Ukraine and the second daughter had LOTS of health concerns. And they had to travel to Ukraine for weeks to get her. I just have to sit on my couch in NJ till DYFS calls me. No flying to Ukraine.