[iluvnurd]

Hi!

My name is Kelly. I'm 18 and I was adopted at birth. I'm Native American and Portuguese. That's all I know. I don't know what tribe, or how much Native American blood I have in me. I'm dark skinned (like deep olive) and I have never, in my entire life, gotten a sun burn. I may not know exactly how much Native American I am, but I do not consider myself to be caucasion.

My problem is... well... my adoptive parents are both white. They just don't understand me. I share many of the wideheld beliefs with Native Americans. I'm very nature oriented. They think I'm being ridiculous.

And the thing is, it really hurts. It hurts that I don't know my own culture. People ask me all the time if I'm white or black. When they find out I'm part Native American, they want to know what tribe, and I can't answer that.

I feel like a piece of me is missing. I have some issues with my adoption and it seems like no one can help. Sometimes it'll be something silly that all of a sudden makes me realize how little I know about myself. After a 5 year struggle with anorexia and bulimia, I have just (in the past week) come to the realization that I may never have skinny thighs, and it could very well be something I inherited from my Native American ancestors. Everyone else knows what the women in their family look like, what type of body shape runs in their family or in their culture. Me? I haven't the slightest clue and its hard. It's just things like that, stuff that other people take for granted, that really upsets me.

My parents never tried to educate me about my people. Granted, it would be hard since we don't know anything about my background, but still. They tried to sweep that part of my life under the table. They get upset if I check the Caucasion box on school forms.

I don't know who I am, or who I was meant to be. I don't know anyting about my heritage and that make me feel so empty inside. Your heritage is so mucha part of who you are, it's so important, yet mine is entirely missing. I know the obvious answer is to get my record expunged but in Ohio (where I was born) I can't even get non-identifying information on my birthparents until I'm 21. I can't go 3 more years without getting some closure

Does anyone have any advice on how to conquer this? Anything? Did anyone else go through the same feelings? Does anyone know how I can find some of those missing pieces? I know that this might seem kind of silly or vague, and everything came out all jumbled out, but I don't even know what I'm looking for. I just know that a part of me is missing and I'm looking to fix that however way I can. Any advice or hints that you can give me would be sooo great!!!!!

Thanks!

[Shoshana]

Hi Kelly:

Reading your post put me back to my teenage years. Yeah. Been there, felt that. I didn't know a single thing about my heritage, first family, anything other than, "she loved you enough to give you up for adoption."

I thought about adoption a lot when I was growing up. I used to read phone books to see if I might magically recognize a name. I scanned crowds for a face that might resemble mine. I studied familes to see how the children resembled the parents. I loved my parents -- they were my parents -- but there was something missing -- and it was hard. It was hard for me to understand who I was -- why was I in this family? It all seemed so random. Would I still be me if I'd been placed in a different family? I needed models for my psychological and physical self -- and there were none.

So adolescence was pretty tough for me. I knew that I would have to do everything I could to find my first family. When I was 16 my mom wrote to the agency to request non-identifying information -- it was something, but of course, non-identifying, no pictures. At least I knew her age, and my nationality (!) for the first time in my life! How weird is that? When I was 18 I joined a group that taught people how to search. I just listened and absorbed, and at 20 I had a successful search. I'm still in close contact with my first mother and extended family.

How did I cope? Well, I read a lot -- about adoption and everything else, and I planned. I decided that since my identity was such a great mystery, I would create it. I started making conscious decisions about the direction I wanted my life to take, things I wanted to do, etc. It's hard to explain. For example -- I was raised in the Catholic church -- kindergarten through high school in Catholic schools. Mass every Sunday and holy day, no meat on Fridays, confession every week, etc. etc. etc. When I was 12 I learned of Judaism for the first time. I was fascinated and read everything I could about it. I can't even begin to explain the connection I feel to this faith. I ended up studying formally with a Rabbi and then converting. A few years ago, my first mother found some old family documents and I learned that my great grandmother had been Jewish but converted to Catholicsm to save her life in Europe.

Anyway, sorry for rambling. I just wanted to reach out across the computer and give you a big "I understand hug." I hope you're able to find your history and your family so that you'll never again have to search for a reflection of yourself in a crowd. I hope the laws change to give all adoptees access to their own information.

[JPDakota]

Well, first of all you are not being ridiculous. A lot of young people struggle with identity, even non-adopted people. So your situation amplifies that.
My brother (adopted like I was) had a really intense need to learn about his biological family. Mother and Dad helped him and he ended up meeting some of them and learning about his genetics. I had no interest in it myself, but I witnessed first hand how important it can be to some adoptees. My only counsel is that if you need to search, then do it. I know you can't right now because of Ohio law, but your time will come.
I wish I had something that would be more helpful. One thing I believe is that every person, at some point, has to decide who they are. Concentrate on those things you DO know about yourself until you can learn the rest.

[BAnn08]

Hi Kelly ~

I didn't check when you posted this, but in some ways I can relate/understand to what you were saying. I'm not Native American, but I was adopted internationally when I was only 2 1/2. I can relate to the feelings of looking 'different' and how my aparents, whom are Caucasian, didn't exactly understand what that was like. But I did grow up with their love and support, so I think they did the best they could. I think that's great you have embraced your heritage and wanting to understand it better - even though I grew up having some curiosity and partaking Culture camps related to my heritage, I was still 'ashamed' of being nonCaucasian in many ways.

I also contacted and had the agency that holds my adoption records inform me of my situation. They have no information on my biological family in regards to names, addresses, etc. I'll never know anything medically either, and it always hit me when my doctors or other specialists have asked me about my biological history. I always had to reply with "I just have no record on that..."

I agree that your heritage is very much a part of who you are - and you know, it's completely ok with your feeling of uncertainty, not knowing who you were 'meant' to be and feeling like a piece of you is missing.

I know one thing - these forums are a great support to come and express your feelings ... and on some level others are able to relate to those feelings.

I am now a Social Worker, and I was talking with a coworker about your situation briefly. (I work with adopted children/teens/adults) A suggestion is possibly researching on your own a bit, online, library, etc. about Native American organizations, places, tribes in your state. I'm not sure what your history is (if you grew up in Ohio, or were adopted in this state or not)

Anyways, please feel free to PM if you want to talk further about your situation, or anything else....

[ReOcB42008]

Hi Kelly! First off, you have come to the right place! Congrats! These forums are great places to explore your feelings, learn about other's feelings about being adopted and even blow off a little steam! I think you are lucky in a way - you at least know you are Native American. I don't know WHAT I am other than American!That has always bothered me - don't know WHAT holidays I'm supposed to celebrate! So I celebrate them ALL! Lol! Your post was very eloquent - not rambling at all. I hope that it helps you to have joined this forum - welcome "home"! Hugs - MJM(birthname)/PJ

[DANNYTORO]

Hi, Kelly,

If you were from Canada, I'll help you all I can. I did alot of searching up there and might have good links for you.....

[bprice215]

iluvnurd you go girl, when it is meant to happen it'll happen. Take good care of yourself.

bprice215