[LadyK727]

I have been using Lutheran Social Services in Great Falls, MT as a CI to find my birthmother. A few weeks ago, they called to let me know my birthmom had been located and was willing to have "some" contact with me through their agency.

I have been asked to write a letter with "non-identifying information" to my birthmother about my life. While I understand what the term "non-identifying" means and applies to, I haven't the first clue where to start with this letter.

Is there anyone out there who has ever initiated contact and, perhaps, written such a letter??? What do you include? What did you leave out???? How did you decide what to call her???

I have so many feelings about this. I don't harbor any animosity toward my birthmother. I have thought all of my life about the first time I would correspond or meet with this woman and the thought of putting all of this into a letter seems, well, wrong somehow. LSS told me to treat his as a new relationship and proceed with "bits" of information about how my life was, what my childhood was like, etc... and then continue with a new "chapter" of my life after she responds to the first letter. I don't want to write too much and overwhelm her, yet IF she discontinues contact and this is to be my only communication with her, do I really NOT want to tell her everything I've wanted to say to her all of these years???

PLEASE help...I am completely lost and I want to get the letter done. It's been a few weeks since LSS contacted me and the longer I put it off, the more I fear my birthmother will change her mind and no longer want contact...

[evildishrag]

Hey lady, congratulations.

Your bmom willing to have some contact is definitely a positive start. I wouldn't have a clue what to say but let's take a stab at it, shall we? I guess the key is to keep it light. Of course I know nothing about your life so I'll just make it up.

Dear Lucy,

I was delighted to learn that you are open to receiving this note from me. Of course I would never want to interfere with your life or intrude; I am just curious and excited to have found you and would like to let you know what I've become.

As you know, I am now blank years old and have been married for 10 years (am in university, work at IBM, have 6 kids, 2 dogs and a fish ~ whatever). I am currently living in Waco, Texas and have been here all my life (since moving from Utah ~ whatever).

I want you to know that I have been blessed with wonderful parents who have loved amd provided for me better than any kid could ever want. I was raised with 3 brothers, two hens and a friendly crocodile named Rex and enjoyed a typical, happy childhood. Please know that I have no ill will towards you and am grateful that you loved me enough to put my interests ahead of your own. That is the true meaning of motherhood and I thank you for the life you have given me.

I've often been curious about where I may have inherited certain traits and characteristics. I am this tall and have a blank build with blue eyes and my unruly dark brown hair. I've included a couple of photos for you. The blank one was from last summer (whatever ~ recent, the last couple of years). I also threw in a few from my long lost youth (whatever). Look familiar

Anyway, I just want to let you know that I am eager to learn whatever you are comfortable sharing with me. I don't wish to pry or cause any complications in your life. I've just often thought of you and would welcome a glimpse of my background, on whatever terms and at whatever pace you're comfortable with.

Love,
Cindy

Ok well, it's better than nothing! Good luck and let me know how it goes.

[LadyK727]

Thank you for your suggestions! I love the ideas you have for "phrasology" (i.e.: your last paragraph) and the idea of leaving the letter open for the exchange of more info in the next letter.

Your ideas are terrific and so greatly appreciated...Please feel free to kick any additional ideas my way if you can think of any. I'm sure I'll be working on this for a few days yet.

I'll keep you posted!

Karyn

[evildishrag]

I have since read your other posts and see that your paperwork said you were removed due to neglect. Just a thought; I wouldn't change the tone of the letter due to that, even the part about her choosing to give you up. At this stage of the game, you have to be positive and give her the benefit of the doubt. You were only a few months only and she was likely overwhelmed with the responsiblity of several young children plus an infant and being on her own. "Removed" and "neglect" do sound rather severe when you first read it, but I think she truly did have your best interests at heart and made the choice for adoption.

[linda_mc_us]

Sweetie, Go Ahead And Say To Her What You Have Been Wanting To Say To Her All These Years. This Is Your Chance. Tell Her How You Feel And Have Felt All The Years She Has Been A Away. Do Not Leave Anything Out. Be Sure To Tell Her Hopw Grateful You Are To Be Able To Tell Her There Are No Hard Feelings And That You Understand There Are Situations That Made It Impossible For Her To Keep You .and You Love Her Even Tho You Wee Not Together You Thought About Her All Your Life If That Is The Way You Feel.
Big Hugs And Prayers
Linda

[LadyK727]

Does anyone actually KNOW someone that has written a letter of introduction to a birthparent??? I would be very interested in learning how they handled it....

[evildishrag]

aura did... this is from her journal (hope you don't mind me reposting it aura...)

Dear Virginia,

I'm not sure if you are who I'm looking for, if not, please forgive me. If you are the person I am looking for, and I do hope you are, you gave a baby girl up for adoption in June of 1972 here in Great Falls.(I was born June 13, 1972 at the Deaconess Hospital) I want you to know that I do not wish to disrupt your life in any way or cause you any pain, all I ask is that you please answer two questions for me.
I want to start by saying THANK YOU, thank you for giving me life and thank you for giving me my family. I have had a blessed life with two parents who have loved me and raised me with values, morals and a strong sense of God in my life. They loved me through the good times and the bad times (and the teen years were a doosey, lasting into my twenties) and I am the woman I am today because of them, I can't thank them, or you, enough for that. I also have a younger brother who is adopted. I want you to know that I have no hard feelings toward you, or my birthfather, and I can't imagine how difficult your decision was to make. I know you did what you thought was best for me and I thank you for that and that decision couldn't have been an easy one.
I have been married a little over three years to a wonderful Christian man named George, and we have a beautiful two and a half year old daughter named BreAnna who is a blessing from God. She has beautiful blue eyes, which she got from me, and a personality that does't quit (that's from her dad). When she was a month old, her dad, George, had a heart attack and underwent quadruple bypass surgery at the age of 36. The heart disease in his family is severe and taking the lives of his relatives in their 30's. There is also lukemia in his family, both childhood and adult. BreAnna's pediatrician said it would be wise to try and find a medical history for my side of the family, as her dad's side is so bad, so I started searching for you. I have thought of searching for you in the past but I didn't know where to start and was always concerned about you not wanting to be found and what to say if I did find you. This is the hardest letter I have ever written and I am typing it because my hands won't stop shaking long enough for me to write. My mom and dad have supported me in this search as have my husband and his family and we do hope we have found you. Please know I have thought of you many times in my life and always with thanks in my heart. I would love to meet the woman who gave me life, who loved me enough to give me what I have today, but I want you to know that where this goes from here is up to you, if you want to meet or just talk on the phone, it's your choice, as I said before I do not want to cause you pain or disrupt your life. My biggest fear is that in contacting you I will hurt you or your family and I don't want that. All I ask is that you please let me know if you are my birthmom so I know if I should continue searching or stop, and if there is any medical information you can give me about your family, or my birthfathers, for the sake of my daughter, I would appreciate it. I do hope your life has been blessed and you have found happiness and love, as much as you have given to me and more, and I do hope to hear from you soon. May God bless you and your family as he has ours.

Aura

***My contact info is at the bottom of the letter so she has it as is the poem about adoption

[evildishrag]

Here's another example, posted by macotton...

Dear __________________,

You may have recently received a letter from Catholic Charities in ___________indicating that a person had contacted the Agency with the hope of reaching you. I am writing you directly to clarify the circumstances. I am hopeful that you will accept this letter and its message recognizing it is sent with the best intentions.

My name is Mary Ann _____________. I was born ____, 19__ at ___________Hospital in __________, MA. At birth, my name was _____________. I am the daughter of ( ) and ( ), formerly ( ). After my birth, I was placed for adoption.

I was raised in ___________ MA by my parents – ( ), with two brothers. I was raised as Mary Ann ( ) a pure coincidence that you now share this surname. I am a college graduate and have worked in the fields of public affairs and safety. I am now 38 years old, married for 14 years to my husband George, and a mother of three children; () (9); () (7); and () (2). We live in ____________.

Over the past 26 years, and more recently, the past few months, I have been looking for my birth parents. I began this search as a young girl because I wanted to know who I looked like. I resumed the search because I want to know my ancestry and give my children a better sense of where they come from and who they resemble – historically, physically, and characteristically. Through a variety of public sources and the process of elimination, I discovered you as my birth mother. I have not located my birth father, but have identified his parents.

The purpose of this letter is to tell you who I am and to ask for a conversation. At a minimum, I am interested in family medical history so that I may pass that information on to my children. Please be assured that I will take only what you are willing and able to give. I will not interrupt your life.

I have enclosed some recent pictures of me with my family – maybe you see some resemblance in your own. You can reach me by phone, letter, or email at any time.

With kind regards,
Mary Ann

Hope this helps....

[aura]

Hi Karyn,

I responded to one of your other post the other day, I also live in Great Falls, Mt. If you need any help just let me know, I will help you! And no Evildishrag, I don't mind you posting my letter, if my journey will help someone else that's a good thing, that's why I chose to be so public with my search! I love your letter, you are always good with scienerios (okay, so I can't spell today-LOL). Karyn, if I could give you some sage advice I would but all I can say is write the letter from your heart and this is why. I figure if my b-mom, for whatever reason doesn't want contact or changes her mind about wanting contact, at least she will know how I feel. This letter may be the only chance to tell her how you feel and who you are so don't hold back hon. It's not easy, I am a very closed off person but this whole experience has changed me, for the better I think. So before you write your letter ask yourself-If I never hear from her again what would I want her to know? then start writing hon! Good luck and God Bless! Aura

[mrosey]

LadyK727

Hello. I just sent my letter to my birthmom two weeks ago today. I sent it overnight, priority and registered mail. It took 5 days for her to sign for it because of the holiday and her schedule at work. I had been tracking it with the post office by e-mail, and the day she actually signed for it, I was in a fog. Thankfully, we spent the afternoon and early evening with my husband's family for Yom Kippur and that took my mind off it (somewhat). When we returned home, the phone rang, and it was my birthmom. We talked for two hours and I can't believe how we connected. The letter I wrote was from my heart. It started with my name and date of birth. I briefly explained my childhood and let her know that I was fine and raised in a loving home. I then explained my current life including my husband and children. I explained to her that it was very important for me to get updated medical information for my children. I also let her know that I often thought of her on my birthday, and hoped that she was well, happy and at peace. I ended it with expressing my desire for answers to the medical background, and basically let her know that if she wanted contact, I would be thrilled and welcome the opportunity. On the other hand, I also let her know that if she was uncomfortable in any way, I would understand, but I hoped that she would find it in her heart to send me the medical information.

I really believe that you should write from your heart. After all, how could it be any other way? Good Luck to you, I hope you find all that you are searching for

Mrosey