[szypzz]

Does anyone have any stories to share about older child foster-to-adopt in MI? My husband and I are nearly licensed for foster care and plan to use it as an avenue to adopt. Did you find your child with the help of MARE? Was he/she placed directly by your agency? We've been through all of our training and have lots of "book learning" about some the problems we are likely to encounter and also the love that we will feel, but I would like some "real life" examples. What is the rest of the process once we are licensed? Is it really just waiting for "the" phone call? How many children did you have placed with you before you had the chance to adopt. How long were your foster kids with you? Did many go back to bio families?

For a little more info about us we've been married for 11 years and would really like to expand our family with a child some where in the age range of 4-8 years old. We live in very South East MI. We have a 15-year-old cat. We are 34 (he) and 31 (me).

Thanks in advance for any information you share!

We are in a similar situation to you. We are in the process of having our homestudy completed and want to adopt a special needs child from the system.

We are working with Ennis Center for Children. I'm curious to see what sort of feedback you get to your post.

best of luck on your journey.

[szypzz]

jl,

Thanks for your reply and support. I'm encouraged that people have looked at my post, but very disappointed that we haven't had anyone willing to share their experiences with us. Maybe I have this posted in the wrong place. I know that there is a place just for older child adoption, but was looking for someone with a MI point of view.

So when do you expect your home study to be complete? Do you have a specific child waiting for you, or are you going to be waiting like us? What have you done so far to prepare...(if you're willing to share). Are you going to become licensed to do foster care too? Maybe the two of us can just be "email buddies" since we seem to be going on similar paths? We have also already taken our PATH training with MARE.

Let me know if you are interested in keeping in touch. My personal email is anskbaum@chartermi.net.

Thanks again for your support!

[Tigger]

Hi szypzz. I'm in Michigan and have done both an older child adoption and a special needs adoption through the foster care system. I'm 34 and hubby is 33, we've been married 7 years and have been doing foster care for about five years.

To answer some of your questions:

Did you find your child with the help of MARE?

Nope, both of our girls were placed with us in foster care first. Both were here 2 1/2 years before they were up for adoption. The youngest was 2 1/2 years straight through, the oldest was 2 1/2 years, but she was back with her bmom for a year in the middle.

Was he/she placed directly by your agency?

The younger girl was placed by our agency, and the older girl was placed by a neighboring agency. We had worked with the older girls worker in our county before the worker transfered to another county. When the older girl went into care the worker said she just looked at her and thought of me, lol.

What is the rest of the process once we are licensed? Is it really just waiting for "the" phone call?

Yep, you wait for the phone call, lol. In our area there is a LOT of foster parents so it was actually about 3 months before we got our first call. Some area's have too few foster parents though and I would imagine they wait only days.

How many children did you have placed with you before you had the chance to adopt.

We had four boys placed, one was adopted by another family and three went back to their bio homes. Then one boy placed who went back to his bio home. Our now daughter was placed, and she went back to her bio home for a year, then went back into care and almost a year later we were able to adopt her. We had a boy and two girls placed but had to move them ASAP since the youngest had pnemonia and our son was severelly lung comprised at the time. They all were adopted later. We had our other now daughter placed and we had her for almost two years before we were able to adopt her. We had a little girl placed that was adopted by another home. We had an older girl placed who went on independant living a few months later. And we had a little girl placed who went back to her bio home.

We didn't go into this to adopt, but it's definately been a huge bonus to our family! Both of these girls and our son are the light of our lives, and we are so grateful to be allowed to parent them.

Happy to answer any other questions you may have, and PLEASE feel free to contact me if you walk into problems with your first child. We thought we were prepared for some of the things these kids go through, but we were wrong. I was fortunate and had a 20 year veteran to go to for advice, lol.

I love reading about the experiences of those who are adopting older children.

szy - I think the reason we don't hear more is because most people are doing infant adoption.

So when do you expect your home study to be complete?

We're hoping to have it done by the end of April at the latest. I have to order some of the paperwork (DH can't find his social security card) stuff like that

Do you have a specific child waiting for you, or are you going to be waiting like us?

We're waiting!

What have you done so far to prepare...(if you're willing to share).

I've done a lot of reading. Adopting the Hurt Child, Parenting with love and logic and my best friend (who is in her 50's) adopted three children who are now grown. I ask her a lot of questions!

Are you going to become licensed to do foster care too?

Nope.

Maybe the two of us can just be "email buddies" since we seem to be going on similar paths?

Sounds good to me!

[szypzz]

THANKS SO MUCH to both of you (Tigger and jl) for sharing your stories. Since we are adopting an older child, it sometimes feels like we are the only ones. I VERY MUCH appreciate your offer of support and help when we finally have a child placed with us, tigger!! I'm sure we will need the help. We belong to a Foster and Adoptive support group too, but since we don't yet have a child we mostly attend because they always have an interesting speaker. The people are super, but are mostly foster parents already not necessarily adoptive parents of older children or going through the waiting game we are right now. Many have bio children and then decide to foster too. We haven't been able to have bio children so it will be first time parents...

Tigger - were any of the children that were given back to the bio parents ones that you were hoping to adopt yourself? My DH and I are resigned to the fact that we are fostering and all that it requires (returning children/giving them to others to adopt/etc). but how does it feel to help a child prepare to leave your house. It is the subject that no one really writes/talks about. Do you have any contact still with children that you fostered but didn't adopt?

May I ask what county you are in? We're in Monroe County and our agency expects it to be up to a year for a placement. I don't know if that is because there are a lot of foster homes, or if it is because we are first time parents, of if it is because of the age range we are looking for, etc.

Thanks again to both of you for answering!

[Tigger]

No problem at all. Adopting older children is a wonderful thing to do, but it comes with it's own set of problems. I had someone wonderful to help me through it, and I would be happy to pass that along to someone else. We're in Tuscola county. So, to answer your questions:

were any of the children that were given back to the bio parents ones that you were hoping to adopt yourself?

Four of them. Three brothers and one little girl. But the thing is, all of them SHOULD have gone home. That made it easier for me. I had gotten to know the birth parents, and I realized that this is where they belonged. These kids were not abused, they came from poor homes. So I was heartbroken when they left, but happy for them too. Does that make sense?

how does it feel to help a child prepare to leave your house

That's a hard one. Especially when they are very young, or very attached to you. We had a little boy that was very attached to us, but we could not adopt. We were expecting a newborn (by private adoption) and this poor kid was so violent. It was really hard (and I'm tearing up thinking about it now) to explain to him why he had to leave. I'm happy to report though that he was adopted by the home he went to after ours. There is two schools of thought about preparing. One is do it slow and give them time to get used to it, the other is do it like a band aid, just rip it off. I'm for slow. Since we had the time we took the little boy to his new foster home many times for visits and let him get to know his soon to be new parents without just dumping him off there. It shouldn't be in their face every minute of every day until they move, but it should be introduced a little at a time so they can adjust. In my humble opinion anyway, lol.


Do you have any contact still with children that you fostered but didn't adopt?

Many of them actually. The three boys that I mentioned earlier spend part of their summers here. My hubby and I are named as guardians in the will in case anything happens to their mom. The little girl I mentioned earlier comes here once every month or two so her mom can go out and act like the 19 year old kid she is for the weekend. Saves her mom a lot of stress, gives her time to be her age, and gives us time to with the little girl. Two kids were adopted by friends of mine (different families) and I see them often. The one little boy doesn't remember me since he was only here one day (read my other post, lol), and the other child attacks me with hugs whenever we see her. It's more common then I ever thought to have contact after they leave.

It is very hard to see children leave your home. It's heartbreaking actually. The hardest is when you see them going back to bio homes that you know haven't changed and they will be abused again. The easiest is when they go back to bio homes and you know it's right and that it should be. And the worst is when they are adopted by another home and in that secret part of your heart you feel like you failed them and rejected them.

And also remember, if they leave, it's possible they may come back. Our daughter was gone for a year and she came back home to us.

One other thing I really want you to keep in mind since nobody warned me about it. You will not bond to all the children in your home. Just like some adults we meet rub us the wrong way, some of the kids will too. I've only had it happen once, but I truly to the bottom of my heart believe you should have the child moved to another home. Kids are not stupid, and the child WILL know that you aren't bonded to them. They WILL see the difference in the way you treat them even if you think you are treating them all equal. It is so much better for that child to be moved to a home they have a chance of bonding in. We did move the little boy, but I waited four months. I thought it was wrong of me to move him, and I thought there was something wrong with me that I couldn't bond to him. He has since been adopted and I think it was the best move I ever made for both me and him.

Let me know where you are at with your license. almost done? And let me know when you get "the call" lol. Good luck!

[szypzz]

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I know that they are very personal and I really appreciate your insight.

Our home inspection is this Friday. Scary!! I'm sure it will go just fine, but we live in an antique house, so I"m just a little apprehensive about the inspector finding something unfit that we just live with everyday. But I can't worry about it too much, just have to wait and see. Our worker says that once the home inspection is done they will be sending in the paperwork to the state right away. (Everything else is done.) So eventhough it feels like we've already been waiting for months, the "real" wait is just about to begin.

I have fanatasies about how it will, things we will do as a family, even just about normal things we do now and how it will be different when we have a child. To be parents scary and wonderful at the same time. I know I shouldn't work too many things up in my mind, and I also think of "bad" scenarios too, but it's hard not to think about it. Especially the closer we get to being licensed.

I have another question for you that I forgot to ask earlier. What do your foster kids call you and your husband when they first come into your home? If they don't call you Mom and Dad, does it turn into that anyway? Just wondering.

Well I should get going. Thanks again for being so patient with my million questions. ;o)

[Tigger]

Again, no problem. And don't sweat the home inspection to bad. Our house was built in 1908, so it's not exactly modern, lol. I'm trying to think of things that we had to change, but the only thing I can remember is we had to get put a smoke alarm in the basement. We already had them on the other two floors, and we added one to the basement. Then when the state starting requiring carbon monoxide detectors by your furnace we had to put in one of those. They made sure we had running water and hot water, but not too hot. Made sure our furnace worked. Checked the room sizes since it effects how many kids you can take in. They checked to see what beds we had available (ie. we own two cribs, one set of bunk beds, one toddler bed, and two twins beds, lol, so we can shuffle as needed). I think they made sure my stove and fridge worked too.

"I have another question for you that I forgot to ask earlier. What do your foster kids call you and your husband when they first come into your home? If they don't call you Mom and Dad, does it turn into that anyway?"

Well, we give them all the choice of what they want to call us. Some kids prefer mom and dad because it makes them feel less like they are different. You know when they are talking to their friends or when you are out in public, they like to be able to say mom and dad. And ALL of the little ones chose mom and dad. Some prefer your first names since they have parents and don't want you to replace them. We tell them we are Mr. and Mrs. __________, you can call us Joe and Susie or mom and dad. When we had our four boys I could always tell who needed me by what they called me LOL. The oldest called me mom, next in age called me Susie, next called me Susan, and the youngest called me mommy. You sort of learn to go with the flow, lol. We had one little girl that called us Aunt and Uncle since that's what her mother wanted her to call us. I even had a three year old call me a name that isn't repeatable on these boards, lol. But it was only once, and we explained that it isn't a nice word. He thought it was just something you called women. And yes, sometimes they switch what they call you. Our oldest daughter called us Joe and Susie for a long time, and then one day she just switched it to mom and dad. We've had it go the other way too. Kids that called us mom and dad would change to Joe and Susie as it got closer to the time they went back to their bio homes.

You didn't ask, but I bet you would have thought to soon, lol. The first night the kids are at your house. That's always the hardest with any age group. The little ones are scared and don't fully realize what's going on. The older ones are leery since many of them have been through the system enough times to know that not all foster parents are nice people. On the first night with a new child in your home just be ready. Sometimes for crying at night, and that horrible rip your heart of your chest scream of "I want my mommy!!!!". OMG, that's so hard!!! Nightmares, bed wetting, older kids getting out of bed all night since they can't sleep.

And so I don't forget. Bed wetting is a pretty common thing. We learned real quick to get those plastic sheets to put on the mattress underneath the regular sheet. If you put a mattress pad between the plastic sheet and the regular sheet it's not uncomfortable for the kids, and then your mattress is protected just in case.

Okay, I'm babbling now, lol. Let me know if you have more questions. As you can see, I'm very shy about answering them LOL.

Bed wetting is a pretty common thing. We learned real quick to get those plastic sheets to put on the mattress underneath the regular sheet. If you put a mattress pad between the plastic sheet and the regular sheet it's not uncomfortable for the kids, and then your mattress is protected just in case.

I was at Kmart a few weeks ago and they were having a bedding sale, I bought a pillow cover, plastic mattress cover, a set of plain white sheets and a white blanket. All very neutral stuff.

I'm enjoying reading what you are both up too! : )

[szypzz]

I feel like all I do is say thanks and ask questions, but again THANKS for the info! lol

We've been warned about the bed-wetting before. I have a matress pad that itself is padded over a plastic liner... actually it's the same thing we have on our bed. My husband has allergies so it is supposed to be a better barrier from the things that live in your mattress. Do you think that will be enough to protect the mattress we have in the child(ren)'s room? Should I get somthing else too for underneath it?

We have a room already done, just waiting for a boy or two with bunk beds, an empty dresser, brand new bedding, and decorated with planes, trains, and ships. We just recently finished it and are quite proud of our handy work. ) I also bought a pack of combs at the dollar store to hand out and a couple child sized tooth brushes. We're told that they may come with nothing so I grabbed a few things I thought may be useful. Anything else I should add to the list? Do they usually just come with the clothes on their back?

Our house was originally built in 1884, but I'm sure not the whole house. We just moved here about a year and a half ago. It's been quite an experience. I'm worried that they won't like our radiators, but I guess I'll wait and see. We have our smoke dectors on every floor, including the basement and have our CO detector too. I asked what were some of the common things that people miss in the inspection and tried to make sure I had those bases covered. Will they go through the garage? The other weird thing is that our bathroom has two doors, one from each side and basically neither lock. I thought that I read some where that the bathroom doors need to lock... is that true? Personally I don't think a small child should be able to lock themselves into the bathroom, just in case some sort of accident happens.

Another thing that our foster care worker told us was that we should assume all the children at some point were sexually abused, even if it isn't in their history. Do you find this to be true? I think that will be our hardest situations to deal with (of course I haven't been through nights of screaming children yet. lol) We've read a lot and tried to prepare ourselves as much as possible...still it's will be a shock I'm sure.

Well I should end for now. THANKS AGAIN! lol

Another thing that our foster care worker told us was that we should assume all the children at some point were sexually abused, even if it isn't in their history. Do you find this to be true?

They discussed this at the PATH training. Sexual abuse can be anything from being forced to watch explicit movies, being forced to watch adults(even their parents) in sexual situations or activities, to being physically sexually abused.

I've read posts on other forums here berating the CW for "not telling us about sexual abuse". How can you make a child tell you everything that has happened to them? You certainly can't expect the adults in their life, who are often the perpetrators, to admit to every horrible thing they let happen to, or did to their child.

What they said at PATH is if the child tells you of sexual abuse, you cannot react. As much as you want to, you cannot condemn the parent (or uncle, or friend) that did this to them. You should reassure the child that they did nothing wrong and that you still love them and will protect them so that never happens again.

We get placed in such difficult positions! One can only hope that we say and do the right thing to heal the child and help them feel safe and loved.

[szypzz]

We get placed in such difficult positions! One can only hope that we say and do the right thing to heal the child and help them feel safe and loved.

It's so true.

How are things going for you, jl? Any news on the homestudy front? Home inspection for us this Friday! Did you have yours already?

Hope all is well. Keep in touch!

Things are well here. We had our caseworker out last Saturday and she did a walk through. I don't think they are quite as invasive about your home when you adopt as opposed to fostering.

My husband FINALLY finished his auto-bio and I sent that to the CW today. Yay! Only silly photocopies left to send over now!

I'll be thinking of you this week. Your inspection! How exciting! Promise you will post what happens right away?

[szypzz]

Will definitely let you know how it all goes!

We've had our adoption worker here before, but not for an official inspection. I'm interested in how this will be, I'm just preparing for a lot of minor changes and if we don't get many then all the better.

Good to hear things are going well. Yay from me too! )