[Kare]

Hello,
We're adopting a 13 y.o. boy. We have a 17 year old biological daughter who is excited about having a sibling. He's currently in the Detroit area, so we will be traveling about 5 hours each visit. If all goes well, he can move in early summer (maybe I'm being hopeful), so he can adjust to us before school starts.

That's coming right up! How exciting!!

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!

Just checking in to see how everyone is doing!

Kare, good luck with your visit tomorrow. Please keep us posted!!

No news here, still waiting for a match. It feels like it is taking FOREVER!

P.S. - I hope this wind doesn't blow anyone away!

[Kare]

Our visit went really well, better than we expected. His therapist and social worker had prepared us that he might not say much--but he did open up. He went and got a game that he enjoys, and we played that together. He had prepared some questions for us with his therapist, and during the game he would ask us a question; such as, what do we eat for dinner, a typical day at our house, would he have his own room, what chores would do.

We live in the country, and he seems excited, especially about our horses. we had sent some pictures of us, and brought some more with us of our family, the school, pets, etc. We brought a gift, and his face lit up when he saw it. We also brought cookies, and a camera (so he could take some of his own.)

We're visiting again on Sunday, and then on Memorial weekend he can come home with us for the weekend. Because we don't have a foster care license, he can visit us weekly (up to 5 days at a time), until all the necessary paperwork is done. They're saying it could take until August until he moves in permanently. Because we travel about 4 1/2 hours each way, the facility might be able to drop him off at a half-way point, do we don't have to travel so far.

I'm so happy to hear that the visit went well. I was thinking of you! I hope they can make arrangements for the drive and also that he can move in with you (assuming that he is the right one) before August so he can meet some classmates before school starts!

I hope everyone else is doing well!

I'm going away for a few days, but I hope to read more updates when I return!!!

[szypzz]

I'm glad to hear things seem to be going down the right path for you!!! We are anxiously awaiting some information on a brother and sister! Our homestudy is with their worker and we are waiting to hear (the good) news. We can't wait to find out more.

Does anyone have any information on subsidies? We were told that these children will probably qualify, but I really don't know much about it. Any MI info would be greatly appreciated.

THANKS!!

[KIRK90]

We are not in MI, but you sound remarkably like we did only a few short months ago. When we started the process last summer, we'd been married for 11 years, and had three cats. After years of talking about adopting special needs kids, we finally took the step of calling DHS. From the beginning, we wanted siblings, with age ranges from 1-10. From there it was a whirlwind. Our homestudy flew by, our PATH (Parents as Tender Healers) training flew by, and we were invited to an adoption matching party. We were both pretty well mortified, and didn't think we could even go and look at kids without crying. But it turned out to be well done, and most of the kids were having a great time. We read profiles before we met kids, and we found a sib. group that just sounded like they fit us. The minute we met them, we knew we would be a family. By Christmas, they were living with us, and finalization is just around the corner.

Sounds like a fairy tale, right? Not so. It has been the most difficult thing we've ever done. Methods that were taught in PATH that sounded so far from reality have proven to be lifesavers. And while our kids are just kids, there is not anything typical about them. We have learned things that were not in their files, and we've learned from day one that there are battles to wage on their behalf.

Our kids had spent most of their lives living apart, and we found that one could not safely live with the others, so we have had one disrupted, which has been unbelievably difficult, probably more for us than the kids. On the positive side, we are watching these kids bloom more every day. We still have a long road to hoe, but watching them develop a sense of security, confidence, and even growing physically is such a reward. Hugs and "I love you's" are even better!

Our best advice? Be prepared for your life to change more than you can imagine. Everyone used to say that to us, but you just can't know until you are there, particularly with older children who have not started life in positive surroundings. More importantly, arm yourself with knowledge. Learn everything you can about the children, about available services, about your rights, and about any diagnoses that the children may have. Hold on to each other, because you are the best support you have, and learn to laugh, even when water is dripping from your ceiling because your 10-year-old is playing snake with the shower hose! You are already a step ahead of where we were, this is our first time to this site. Good luck!!!

[szypzz]

Hi and Welcome, Kirk!!

I have a question for you about, "Methods that were taught in PATH that sounded so far from reality have proven to be lifesavers." Which methods and can you give me an example of how you used them? We've also had PATH training, so I'd really like to hear your real life examples of how you put it into practice.

Thanks in advance!!

[KIRK90]

Where do I start? How about a funny one. They told us if we couldn't get our kids to eat to try canned ravioli. I couldn't imagine this would solve any problems, but it did! Our 4-year-old either refused to eat or dinner would drag her meal out forever until we finally broke down and bought a can of Chef Boyardee. Problem solved. We always keep a spare can on hand now.

Now for some of the more important things . . . for one, our 10-year-old had a history of toileting accidents. One of the videos we watched showed the parent instructing the child to take down the soiled clothes, wash them, and change linens. As Mom, I had a really hard time with this concept. I felt like I needed to just clean up the mess and try to minimize the situation and not make him feel self-conscious. However, when we finally tried this method, we found that the accidents became fewer and farther between, and our son actually takes some pride in cleaning things up himself (although he does make a huge production of it being "gross, Mom!").

Another one was the emphasis that was constantly put on introducing the child as son or daughter. Although this seemed completely reasonable to me (and I couldn't imagine doing anything else), I had no idea of exactly HOW important this is to the kids. Our son has now been at his new school for almost six months, and not a single one of his new friends knows that he is being adopted. He just wants to be like everyone else.

It has also been hard at times to refrain from being negative about the birth family. Our 10-year-old is completely aware of the bad things that they did, and he frequently verbalizes where he thinks some of them will spend eternity and exactly why, but it is a case of "okay for me to say, but not you." We try to be very careful and just listen when he talks (the youngest doesn't remember them, so she doesn't really discuss it.)

Probably the very most important thing from our training was the time spent on the attachment process as an infant. It helped us understand RAD but more importantly, it has helped us not to overlook some of the things that with a "normal" child might seem strange, like constant requests for hugs (more than any kids I've ever known), or for help with things that you know good and well that they don't need help with. I think it has helped us create a bond with our kids that might have taken longer if we did not understand the cycle.

Feel free to contact me if you have any questions, I'm sure I'm leaving out a lot.

Just checking in. No news on the adoption front. More waiting and hoping. Checked MARE again, but no one new to consider (well, maybe one, but he's 10, older than we hoped! but he looks like a very good fit!

Kirk - your post was VERY interesting. Thanks for sharing.

How is everyone? Ready for the holiday weekend?

[szypzz]

Well I shouldn't jynx it, but it looks like there may be some good news for us. It looks as if we may skip the whole foster parent thing and be adopting a boy and girl, ages 6 and 9.

We get the adoption evals tomorrow, providing they get faxed over by the children's worker. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it.

I would appreciate any info on transitioning, subsidies, accomodating 2 children at the same time (making sure both get enough one on one time and enough family time), meeting for the first time...or anything else that you care to fill me in on that I haven't thought of.

Thanks in advance for any advise and I'll keep you all updated as I know things.

Kare, I'm right on your heels so any info you are willing to share I'd really appreciate.

Kirk, keep the support flowing!!

THANKS TO EVERYONE!!

[Just Julie]

Just some quick advice for the first night with an older child. We fostered a 17 year-old whom we knew a little bit before he arrived, so he wasn't a complete stranger. We ate dinner together, hubby, myself and another young man as well as new one. There was a bit of uncomfortable silences until we decided to move him into a different room that very night. It was the plan all along but for the next week or so. It required moving a lot of furniture from one room to another and we all ended up laughing as we helped one another get certain pieces around corners, etc. Moral of the story is that having some project to do together eases the tension because you focus on a helping activity, age-appropriate, nothing competitive, instead of a person. Turn on the radio and clean the garage, plant a vegetable garden, wash the vehicles, paint the fence, polish and wash the silver, etc. And have a couple of good desserts ready!

Blessings!

[KIRK90]

Szypzz, congratulations and good luck! One thing that we were encouraged to do on the first meeting was to take albums for the kids with photos, stories, etc. We made one for each child with photos of ourselves, our home, our pets, their rooms, and on the cousins close to their age in the family.

The neat thing is when they came to the house the first time, some things were familiar to them through photos, they knew our pets by name, and asked when they would meet each cousin. They both STILL have those little albums, and often ask questions, like "isn't this the cousin who . . . . in our book?"

We just asked our older one how he wanted the first night to go, and he told us just how he wanted dinner, how he wanted to be tucked in, how he liked to sleep, etc.

Just a note on the subsidy . . . we didn't even know there was one available until the kids were here for two months. Four months later, we JUST got confirmation that it has been processed. They told us that if it was not done before finalization that it would not happen. Ours isn't much, but it will help with some of the activities that the kids want and will help with future education needs.

Be prepared to shop for clothes. There were not a lot of undergarments, and with the seasons about to change, we had to do a lot of it! (Ebay is terrific for this and the kids get excited about bidding on clothes!)

Keep us posted!

[szypzz]

Thanks to all for your responses! What great ideas! I can't wait to get started on our albums. We are going to be setting up a meeting with the kid's worker. our worker, their foster mom and us. I'm hoping next week, but I'm not sure since it is a short work week. If we still decide to go forward, hopefully we will be meeting the kids soon!! SO EXCITING!!

As always, any words of wisdom, encouragement, support, advice, or "are you insane" comments are welcome at any time!

Thanks in advance!!

I've been out of town and then in town and busy...good to see happy news in here! Szy, please keep us posted on your family! I know you will be busy, but I hope you can still pop in on occassion!

We are meeting with our caseworker in about 15 minutes to discuss a three year old Af-Am boy who just became available. DH and I have a lot to think about. We are also being considered for a 9 year old bi racial child that we are VERY interested in. Things could come together very quickly for us.

I hope things are well with all of you.

I'm going to start a new thread for us, this one looks ready to close!