[itznett]

Good luck....

[JL Cauling]

The meeting is at 12:30 tomorrow. ~crossing fingers~

[Grrltrouble]

Hi. I just wanted to introduce myself, as i have been reading all your posts trying to learn all i can about adopting older children. Books can only take you so far
I am a single almost 30 yr old woman. my homestudy is done and seems to be gathering dust at my agency waiting for official approval. i'm hoping to adopt a boy aged somewhere btwn 5 and 10 yrs old, any race.
one of my questions is that you all seem to talk a lot about MARE, which i have been looking at every month. However, people at my agency have kind of discouraged me from getting too into it, as i have no parenting experience and may not be able to handle a lot of the kids in the book. Any thoughts?
Also, if and/or when i am matched with a kid, i am really nervous about meeting them. Like they have this magical, sparkly all-american family in mind and here i show up. It just all feels like it will be completely uncomfortable for everybody.
so, that's me (a little bit anyways). look forward to trying to keep up with this great thread.

[JL Cauling]

I'm glad you decided to jump in and post with us!!

I understand your concerns about finding the *right* child. I worry all the time that I will some how fail the child who trusts in me. I think it's normal to feel that way.

As to wanting an All American Family and getting you....again, I don't think you have anything to worry about. I believe that these children want a parent to love them and care for them and a home where they feel safe and wanted. These are all things that you can provide.

As to your homestudy gathering dust, I would call the agency every three days until your signed, approved home study is in your hands!!

I have news! We are being sent the file on a six year old boy in Ohio. I can't wait to learn about him, but I am also terrified that he will be more than we can handle, just like the last file we got from Ohio.

Depending on how quickly the state of Michigan moves, we expect to be approved as foster parents by the end of the month.

[szypzz]

Excellent news JL! I hope it all works out. It's kind of funny that this is your second presentation of an Ohio child. We live about 12 miles from Toledo and actually have family in Dayton, yet our worker was not very encouraging about us trying to find an Ohio child.

My piece of advice though is to make sure to take your time with the visits. I know you will want the back and forth to be over and to have your child placed with you (immediately ;-) ) (Especially since the distance will be a long one.) We did too, but now I look back and think that it was a very good thing for us to continue the visitations (longer than I thought necessary at the time.)

Also, don't be completely turned off by just what you read in the files. Our kids look HORRIBLE on paper, but they are just great. I feel alot depends on how the kids have been taken care of since being removed from their first homes. Even our foster worker says that she is always so amazed at how happy our kids are when she sees them compared she expects when she sees their files.

Lastly the files are not the end all, be all. Some have so much inaccurate information, especially if the kids have had multiple caregivers. Our original presentation said that DS had mild Tourette's and never mentioned that DD has it, that DD had nocturnal enuresis. It turned out that DS does not have Tourette's and that DD has a mild case and that DD doesn't wet the bed (at least not since she's been here.) We've been able to take each child off one medication completely.

Grrl...so happy to have you in our posts. Like JL said, these kids want someone for their own. It won't matter that you're not the "sparkly all-American family." (For most of them, if you have a dog you're in like Flynn...hehehe)

I too would keep calling until the "official" signing. It's the squeaky wheel that gets approved. ;-) Also if you don't get into MARE, where are you supposed to find a child between 5 -10?? The biggest thing I think would be to prove that you have a strong support system. You really can't do it on your own without having a way to take a break. These kids are extremely needy and may not give back right away, and without a way for you to recharge it will be extremely difficult. But there are some great kids out there waiting for you. Just educate yourself as much as you can. Show up at all possible training sessions your agency offers, even if you don't need them. Be in front of the agency as much as possible, so you are on their minds. Find the local support group and join it. Ask questions, get involved. Prove to the agency that you are committed and prepared.

When the "state" checked out our placement they almost said no because we are first time parents and our kids have quite the history, but our AW went to bat for us because she knew we worked hard and were very committed. It has worked out wonderfully for us. Even our family therapist is amazed at how well things are going.

If you have any other questions please feel free to ask. When I was first searching this place was a great wealth of information. Good luck and hang in there. It is a long process but so worth the wait!!

[JL Cauling]

Szy - thanks for the pep talk I certainly needed it! The child we were matched with lives in Lucas county and I work near the airport, so it's not too far of a drive for us to get him (about 40 miles). I'm paying strict attention to your recommendation that the visits continue as long as possible. I know that *I* will want to rush them right along.

As to what we read in the files, the last child we were interested in had a history of hurting animals, well, he did it one time. Since we have three pets, and all of our closest support people have two or more pets, we couldn't take the chance. It was heartbreaking.

Grrl - If you are interested in a lovely, albeit strong willed nine year old african american girl, one of my students is going up for adoption shortly. I can get you her caseworkers name if you would like it.

Have a great week all!

[Grrltrouble]

thanks for the welcome you guys. i've been trying to go to as many things as possible that are agency related, and i never really call them with questions and stuff, i just show up. haha so they should know my face by know.
you guys are probably right, though, i should get on them about approving me. my apprehensive side has been convincing me to be patient, but my mom side is getting a little antsy. since i'm not quite as familiar with that side of me, it's been losing out to my fears and doubts. but i should be proving that i will be able to advocate for my child by advocating for myself now, right?
i absolutely go through the mare listing every month, the alternative being that i just wait for a new kid to come through the agency and catch them before the 120 days or whatever after which they have to be put in the book. and i totally agree with you, szy, that i'm sure that most of the kids are so much better in real life than how they appear on paper. just the fact that so many of them seem to be adopted by their foster families illustrates the fact to me.
i DO have a dog! and i play video games and like to go on outings and be silly as much as possible. and there are no other people in my house to dilute my attention. i AM a super family. haha i should start doing daily affirmations like stuart smiley. and gosh darn it. people like me.

jl - i am a little scared of daughters. i don't really want to elaborate, since i am totally generalizing and stereotyping when i think that. i just feel that for the most part i would do better with a boy.

and P.S. I truly am not this quivering neurotic mess that my posts may make me seem. it is just so great to know that other people are going through or have gone through some of the same things.

[JL Cauling]

I would start hounding the agency! Where is my homestudy! I want it NOW!

It does sound like you would be an awesome parent to a waiting child. Have you attended any classes? DH and I attended PATH and found that very helpful. I also read a couple of books about older child adoption. they really seem to help.

TGIF!!

[itznett]

Grrl,

Oh man do you and I need to chat.. (hahaha) You sound just like I did 2 yrs ago when I started this whole process.
Hope everyone has a great weekend. Stay warm....

Nett

[itznett]

I don't know about the rest of you....but I am ready for Spring!
Hope all is well.

Stay warm,
Nett

[JL Cauling]

It's been TWO WEEKS and we still don't have any additional information about the boy in Ohio that we were selected for. I would like to make a decision and either move forward, or let them move on to someone else. Apparently the CW in Ohio sent our CW a one page flyer about the child. WTH?? We can't make a decision based on that! The last child from Ohio we expressed an interest in had a file several inches thick.

ARGH! I'm frustrated. We're still not approved to foster. Hopefully those papers will come through next week.

Nett - all this snow, it's pretty isn't it? I'm hoping that I'll have tomorrow off too, another snow day would be lovely!

[itznett]

JL,
I tried to talk my boss into giving us a "snow day" tomorrow. He didn't buy it. Guess I will be dragging my butt back out of bed at 4:00am again. LOL

Sorry to hear things are moving so slowly...I know the feeling.

I too have looked into a few of children from Ohio, but they always seem to be unavailable by the time I see them. Figures!

Have a great night!

Nett

[szypzz]

JL - Sorry things are going so slow with the Ohio child. Did I tell you that we are only 12 miles from OH and our agency here was very discouraging about us trying to find a child from OH? I know that the Federal Law is in place and all, but it's still each state runs it's own system and some states are harder to deal with. I guess OH is one of those, from what I've heard. Also when we did call on a couple that were on the OH website, they were always already matched.

But you've already been presented an OH child so maybe you have some in-road the rest of us don't. ;-)

Glad to see everyone is still posting and not frozen! Keep warm!

[JL Cauling]

The Ohio worker is not being cooperative. Our CW has made several requests for additional information and the Ohio CW isn't sending anything.

I think we are going to walk away and wait for our foster license to come through....

[lambeausam]

If the worker in Ohio thinks an adoptive family will agree to adopt a school-age child without more information he/she must be looking for adoptive parents that just fell of the turnip truck. You are not being unreasonable by asking for the files. To be honest, I would be hesitant about adoptive parents that were comfortable adopting a child after reading three paragraphs.

Regardless of your decision, I wish you luck!!!!