[jessnboys]

Some background first, then I'll throw my fit...
I have 2 boys the same age (8rys). My bio son (Z) is gifted and in accellerated programs. My adopted son (M) has a lot of health issues and is in a selfcontained program all day in school. At a glance, you can not really tell which boy is which (they are first cousins as well). Over the years, M has really struggled for every breath, literally. He has a disorder than mimics CF. We have all the complications, but not the genotype. He's had a feeding tube for 5 yrs and we may end up back on it after 3 years off. M has soo many behavior, FAE, delays etc that it would take too long to name all of his diag's. I appreciate how he has struggled.
If one more person tells me "poor M" I think I will scream!!!!
I have always taken the approach that M will survive and lead a productive life. That may not be true and I know that, but I don't really want to treat him like that. I expect him to do chores, clean up after himself and *gasp* be respectful. I don't make him my little slave and I do keep in mind what he is able to do on different days. Z does more b/c Z can do more. I have expectations of M. He folds his laundry, picks up his dirty dishes, keeps his toys off the livingroom floor (after being yelled at .
The other day we were at a gathering with a bunch of people. Most of them know M, the rest know of him. I yelled at him for doing something. I'm not sure what, but can guess it was stupid like messing with his brother or other obvious thing he knows not to do but does anyway. Some woman I don't really know comes up and tries to get on me b/c I shouldn't yell at him. Don't I know what that "poor boy has been through? How much he has SUFFERED?" How can I yell at him?Why doesn't Z do more for M?
I explained after stepping on pee'd pants so many times, all the marks Z has had from M beating his up, the sassy mouth, it gets pretty easy really. Z is just 8 yrs old as well. Z is NOT a parent, just the big brother by a few months.
I guess it's b/c I don't see M as all of these problems. I see M as a little boy who needs rules, guidance, parenting. Some pertain to his health needs, his extra issues; others are just little boy difficulties. No, you cant play in the grass, it will cause you to stop breathing. No, you can't bring the crawdad you caught inside to sleep in your bed. The list just seems to go on when you are 8 years old, lol. I see what will happen when he's a teenager, an adult. M is more than the last hospital stay, surgery or heartbreak.

Anyway, I just had enough of the POOR M's going around and wanted a "poor mommy" fit.

[hrisme]

Yay, a pity party, can I come????

[mrsred]

RIGHT ON! My adopted kids ae not medically fragile, but especally inregards to my daughter I go through that with my mother in law. I think, the right response for the butt-inners is right there in your post. You are not planning for him to have a short life, you live in the assumption that his health will improve. And when it does he will need life skills. Also, when they ask why Z doesn't "do more" for M, point out that he already does a remarkable job of treating his brother like his brother instead of an invalid.

[Robbin]

We had an 8 year old autistic girl in fc, and her parents were NOT happy that we had her doing chores and had expectations for behaviors and manners!

I worked with mentally retarded adults for 10 years. and I mean severely and profoundly retarded...most could not talk, some could not even walk. But you know what, they were all expected to participate in activities, have responsibilities and contribute to the home.

I am just not one of those martyrs who is going to wait hand and foot on some "poor child" who has it rough in life. We have all had it rough in one way or another. If you do not instill personal responsibility and enact appropriate consequences to that "poor child", in 10 years that "poor child" will wind up in jail.

I wonder if that lady would change her tune after she's cared for him for a month .

[athikers]

Hugs I've been there many times this past year.

Unrelated, I hope for your sake that kiddo does not have to go back on a tube, but there are worse things (some days I can't think of any, but I know there out there - most days I'm grateful because with a g-tube I would have no Teeter).

[vegaschristina]

My sister has 2 boys with autism. To the world, they're kids with issues, but to the family, they're just J and T. One of my sister's most common sayings to them is "Autism is not an excuse." Do you have a problem? Yes. Do you still have to do chores? Yes.

Sorry that you're having to deal with it too.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

He may be medically fragile but he still needs a MOM....you were just being a mom. Kids will only live up to what is expected of him.....just imagine poor M if you didn't expect anything.

Kim

[linda512]

I work in pediatrics and see plenty of kids with tough diagnoses whose parents treat them the way this woman wanted you to treat your son. And they are spoiled brats, out of control and not happy. ANd if they do survive, they will not be able to cope with real life.
So, I applaud your efforts! Good for you for having expectations. Children rise to our expectations.

[nikkianni]

I second or third the need for you to just be the mom. All kids need that steadying, grounding force in their lives. Regardless of medical conditions, physical limitations, etc.
Spoiling and coddling is what grandparents are for....heaven help us.