[SuzBerg]

Here is a thought provoking question/discussion for early on Tuesday morning

Are moms of kids with medical issues (or other special needs) stronger than moms who do not go through these same types of trials? Do you automatically assume one is stronger because of all they go through or do you assume that anyone going through things like this with their kiddo will be strong etc.

How do you as a mom facing these challenges perceive yourself? Do you think you were always a "strong"person? Or is it a strength because you have no choice?

I sometimes get annoyed when people say things like,"I don't know how you do this" or "I could never go through what you are going through", "I couldn't watch my child be so sick" etc. Because really I don't know what else one would do? I LOVE my daughter, and the only thing that makes me feel bad is that life is so hard for HER. I do think I am lucky that I was able to chose to parent Emily and that I knew in advance about her medical challenges and that we have been able to prepare ourselves (as best as we can) for her needs.

So...... do you think you are a stronger person or are you just strong because you have to be?

[crick]

bumping.....

[lucyjoy]

I don't feel strong, but I too get those same comments and they annoy me. I do what I do for my kids because I have no choice. Strength comes when I need it. For me, this is a matter of faith. When I know I can't do this one more second, someone always steps in to help me keep going.

[aspenhall]

I've always had people tell me I'm strong.....and I see that A's bmom wasn't strong enough to raise her....so yeah, I think some people are stronger than others....especially when it comes to behavioral stuff...

But I also think, on average, most parents would rise to the challenge....and still be able to maintain a happy outlook, hobbies of some sort etc...

I think when they say they wouldn't be strong enough it means, how do you handle it all, and still maintain some semblance of normality, and not crumble into a depression.

I firmly believe that God won't hand us anything that we can't deal with.....so I look at it as a compliment from God when I get slammed to my knees by life...

[specialk4b]

I don't think of myself as anything but an ordinary mom doing what it takes to help my son be healthy and reach his full potential. It actually makes me feel uncomfortable when people say "oh boy you must be strong." I'm just average. And sometimes I'm pretty weak, but I keep going cuz what else am I supposed to do?!?!?

[athikers]

At the moment... I consider myself and my family "not strong enough" and I probably will consider us that way for quite some time as we grieve. But, kiddo is still here and will be for quite some time and we will keep doing what we need to do to keep him healthy and happy.

[kelceesmom]

Jumping over from the other forum you posted on.

Not being a mom of a medically fragile child I am a new single mom officially. I have been doing everything for a long time on my own but I don't see myself as stronger. I just what I have to do to get by and raise my daughter the best I can.

Parents of medically fragile children tho, in my eyes, are special. They are given a gift to take care of someone that maybe no else would even want to. So, yes my hat is off to you folks and God bless you all.

[SuzBerg]

Welcome anyone reading this who usually doesn't visit this forum .

Even if you aren't raising a Special Needs child, maybe you've had challenges or situations that have come up that you weren't expecting - that you're life hasn't turned out exactly how you had planned. Do you think your circumstances have made you a stronger person? Or were you always a strong person?

Thanks!

[Oceans]

I’ll admit, I’m an offender…

I know it sound like we are saying you are DOING something vrs. just LOVING your kids but when I read about Moms who have medically fragile kids or even FM’s who willing take difficult kids into their homes in an effort to make a difference in their lives, I can’t help but feel admiration.

You put yourself out there knowing full well your heart could be broken at a moments notice. I don’t admire you because you show up for 3 Dr’s appointments a week… Nor do I admire you for loving a med fragile or difficult child… I admire you for taking a chance and putting your heart on the line.

I’m probably not saying this right but just so you know, you would have to pin me down and threaten to tickle me relentlessly in order to get an apology….

(And Athikers, when I read your post yesterday, I felt so bad for you… I know that feeling as a bmom and you must do what is right for you but it does suck… It’s the worst)

[Mystik]

I'm really new to dealing with special needs children, but my lil *A* just got diagnosed last week with Epilepsy & Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and the only thing I could think of when we found out is that God will not give me more than I can handle. He will provide us with the skills, strength and patience to deal with this and it WILL be ok.

When we went into foster/adoption I made it very clear I was not prepared to deal with any special needs. The thought made me uncomfortable & I really had no experience with anything.

We got *A* at 3 weeks old and by 3 months I knew there was something wrong. I spent almost a year trying to get her Dr. to pay attention to the spasms and tried to get Early Intervention involved, but it was all to no avail. She was a perfect little baby when anyone else saw her. I FINALLY caught her spasms on video and showed it to the Dr., SW, Attorney & Neurologist that the Dr. finally referred us to and now that we have an official diagnosis from her Neurologist we have everyone's attention that their truly is a problem so they can all stop brushing it under the table.

Anyways I guess what I'm trying to say is that I never initially wanted this. I wasn't trying to be a good samaritan or anything of the sort, but I've fallen in love with this little girl and realize that no matter what issue's she has I will do everything I can to help her, support her and be there for her however she needs.

[nikkianni]

We're still in the limbo of not knowing if DD is actually special needs or not. We're currently waiting on a DNA test......
So this is an interesting question for me. I actually used to think I was a strong person. I think I was in some ways. But I've been pathetically weak since all of the poking and prodding started.
I'm totally embarassed to say it because I love my daughter with all my heart, but I was so bitter at first. How could this happen? I'd made so many sacrifices: Leaving a job I loved, moving from a town I loved back to the boonies I grew up in, taking a job I tolerate but can never really like, being financially pressed, oh it went on and on.
All of those sacrifices and all I wanted was a healthy, normal family. And the one thing I wanted I wasn't going to get. No vacations to Disney World, no family camping trips, no high school or college graduation. No hearing "I love you Mommy." (That one's still tough). Now all of this was just a possibility and still is, but in my mind for about 48 hours it was a certainty and I was the weakest, smallest person in the world.
Then through all the specialists and tests, it was DH who stepped up. DH who for the first time became the dominant member of this marriage. And while I'm OK with that, it made me realize two very important things. The first thing was that this is MY daughter and she's not a disability (or none), she's a person. The second was that DH was doing it all wrong, lol.
So after my complete breakdown into a slimeball, I sort of shook myself and now I guess I do feel stronger in a way. Or maybe it's better.
But ask me about the results of the DNA test and I can still feel myself shrink. I look forward to and dread that day. Because I really want my daughter to just be a toddler. And not the person who has to have all the tests and see all the specialists, etc.
But even if it turns out we do have that road ahead of us, I'm not going to let myself get lost on it again. I still get the biggest, cheesiest smiles ever, and I still get my good morning kisses and bedtime cuddles. And she is still the most beautiful baby in the world. Everything else is just details.
I'm not sure if I'm even a special needs mom yet, but I know I'm never going to think of DD that way. She'll do what she can do and won't do what she can't, and we'll be a family and that's it.
And if every once in a while I feel like hiding in a closet and crying, I'll do that. Then I'll come back out and play ball or blocks.

[crick]

I don't have severe special needs with my kids. Yes, they do have some challenges that come along with older child adoption, and my youngest does have dyslexia and some SID.

I don't have a medically fragile child, which in my mind is a whole different ball game because to me at any moment you know in the back of your mind you could lose your child forever. The stress that puts on you just knowing that has got to be painful and very difficult. And yet...the strength comes in pushing that away and living your life with your child as you need to do. I think people have their cry in the shower and closet moments and grieve, and then you do what you need to do to not only parent your child but not let the uncertainities control your life.

Or when faced with the possibility or certainity that your child will never do xx or yy due to their disabilities or condition, that's one of those "unimaginable" realizations and yet...again...you pull yourself up to do what you need to do.

Not every one can effectively do this so yes, I do think there is a certain strength required. I agree with Oceans in that it's not so much the doing what needs to be done for dr appts & etc., but the inside turmoil & stress that needs to be dealt with, the outlook, and being there in every which way for your child.

This type of strength needed is different in my opinion for moms who don't have medically fragile kids and it does make you stronger in many ways. It gives you more confidence to deal with problems as a whole and it also puts things more in perspective for you as to what is really an issue and what is not. You don't have time and energy to "sweat the small stuff".

I also believe though that we all have this bit of ingrained "I can't handle this" UNTIL you are forced to handle it. kwim? I believe we have no idea just how strong we are until faced with a situation that requires us to pull ourselves up to face the world FOR our kids.

[mrsred]

The special needs of my children is strictly in the mental/emotional/behavioral realm. I don't spend time in the hospitals, praying my child will survive yet another operation, my heart and prayers go out to all who do.
Never the less, my kids do have special needs. Somedays I think it is just as hard, because they look so absolutely perfect and healthy, yet they cannot and do not function as normal children do. I have an on-going battle, particularly on behalf of my 8 year old son, whom we are struggling still, after over three years to establish just what his special needs are.
Am I stronger than a mom with "normal" children? No, I don't think that I, Kathy, am strong at all. I rely entirely on the Lord for my strength, without whom I could not get out of bed every morning.