[Josh5339]

Throughout my life my parents have repeatedly proven their love to me. I couldn't ask for better parents. I consider my position a lot like Clark Kent. But, still things haven't been easy due to an innate fear of being disowned again and rejected by my peers. Doesn't help that high school was literally hell for me with peers and my principle's brother (a teacher). Thus, I really felt rejected by society and had anger problems - my kindergarden teacher once stated I might become Lex Luthor or Steven Spielberg. So, let's just say all the things in my life haven't mixed well.

After getting over those years, once I turned twenty-one the primal wound ripped open.

Below are the songs that remind me of being adopted. Ranging from the confusion, longing for my birth parents, the rage and anger towards them giving me away and the fears and difficulties it's caused, and being torn between loyalties.

Links to the songs, available online, have been posted.

I know my taste in music obviously differs from others, so feel free to add any song that reminds you of being adopted for better or worse.

LOST & CONFUSED

"NO HARD FEELINGS" SALIVA

This song reminds me of the feeling of being taken away from my birth mom, a ghost inside my mind that haunts me.

All the pain that haunts me still.
And all the shame surrounding you.
And all the past that I can't kill, forever wrapped around me.
And all the sadness in our lives, and all the things I can't hide.
And all the fear that's deep inside, from all the years of hiding.

There's a ghost that's inside of my mind.
There's a pain that is haunting me still, and I could never go back and rewind.
And I could never have peace or be still.

Somebody take this away, they took you far away from me.
So I could never find you.

"GOING UNDER" SALIVA

YouTube - Saliva Going Under

A part of me is jealous of everyone else who never had to go through the feelings of being abandoned nor the mystery of identity lurking somewhere beyond my reach. I'm alone to sail my own ship with no course of direction.

Why cant I be normal like everyone else?
Why cant I become something more than myself?
I reach and I'm trying to believe in me,
But its just too hard to see.

Lost like a ship without a sail,
And terrified to fail,
Sick of the sickness that I feel,
Its a mystery to me...

Who am I now?
And when will I be found?
What if I drown?
I'm going under now.

"RAIN" BREAKING BENJAMIN

YouTube - Rain - Breaking Benjamin

This song captures society and how sometimes as an adoptee there's guilt for grieving.

I don't have a past
I just have a chance,
Not a family or honest plea remains to say,

Is it you I want,
Or just the notion
Of a heart to wrap around so I can find my way around

Safe to say from here,
Your getting closer now,
We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be

"ALWAYS" SALIVA

YouTube - Saliva- Always

This song explains how confusing it is to deal with being an adoptee, that there are so many emotions involved that it's hard piecing them together into something that makes sense.

I hear, a voice say "Don't be so blind"
It's telling me all of these things
That you would probably hide!
Am I your one and only desire?
Am I the reason you breathe,
Or am I the reason you cry?

Always, always, always,
Always, always, always,
I just can't live without you!

I love you!
I hate you!
I can't get around you!
I breathe you!
I can't live without you!
I just can't take anymore
This life of solitude
I guess then I'm out that door
And now I'm done with you!

I wrap my hand around your heart,
Why would you tear my world apart?

LONGING FOR WHAT WAS

"AMY HIT THE ATMOSPHERE" COUNTING CROWS

YouTube - Amy Hit The Atmosphere

This song captures the dual side of being an adoptee, wanting to be with the birth mother, but at the same time afraid of the changes that this might bring.

Weve waited so long
For someone to take us back home
It just takes so long
Meanwhile all the days go drifting away
And some of us sink like a stone
Waiting for mothers to come

I wanna know, I wanna know,

And all I really know is I wanna know
And all I really know is I dont wanna know

"FEELING FOR A MOMENT" FEEDER

YouTube - Feeder - Feeling the Moment

If there is one thing that I want to know, it's whether or not I'm like my birth parents. I especially want to know if I have anything in common with my birth father. Am I just like you?

Feeling the moment slip away
Losing direction you're losing faith
You're wishing for someone
Feeling it all begin to slide
Am I just like you
All the things you do - can't help myself

How do you feel when there's no son
And how will you be when rain clouds come and pull you down again
How will you feel when there's no one
Am I just like you

Turning to face what you've become
Bury the ashes of someone
Broken by the strain
Trying to fill that space inside
Am I just like you
All the things you do - can't help myself

Am I just like you?

"NEVER BE THE SAME" RED

YouTube - Red - "Never Be the Same" 2009 Innocence & Instinct

This song really shows how I feel towards my birth mom. How much I need her.

Look into my eyes if you can’t remember
Do you remember? Oh

I can see, I can still find
you’re the only voice my heart can recognize
But I can’t hear you now, yeah

I’ll never be the same I’m caught inside
the memories of promises of yesterdays
and I belong to you
I just can’t walk away ‘cuz after loving you
I can never be the same

And how can I pretend to never
know you like it was all a dream? No
I know I’ll never forget the way I always felt
with you beside me, and how you loved me then, yeah

You led me here, then I watched you disappear
You left this emptiness inside and I can’t turn back time

No! Stay! Nothing compares to you
nothing compares to you
I can’t let you go

HOW COULD YOU ABANDON ME?!

"OUT FROM UNDER" RED

YouTube - Out From Under - Red - Innocence and Instinct

The horror of being taken away.

Fell through the floor
Slipped through the cracks into nowhere

So tell me where were you
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn't get out from under

I took the fall
I took it all

Cut me, I bleed
Feel me in need
I finally broke in the pressure

Left me for dead inside my head
couldn't you see that I was still breathing?
Screaming, I reached for you
I couldn't get out from under

Where were you?

"STORM" SALIVA

YouTube - Saliva - Storm

The hardest part I grasped with is the fear that I was never meant to be and a mistake; that I needed to find a concrete reason to make my life mean something.

My Life is filled with your memory.
You were deep within my heart.
You were deep with inside of me.
And all this pain that I'm wrapped around.
If there's a heaven up above,
I see the angels falling down
I've got to rise above my life.
To find the reason I'm alive.

I'll save myself, I'm all alone.
I've opened my heart to see there's nobody home.
It's up to me, I'm on my own.
The message of life is turning
Facing the storm.

"TRUTH" SEETHER

YouTube - Seether-Truth

Throughout my life I've been tormented by my peers, even my teachers, and have always feared a dark side inside me. Bringing more to the feeling of being a mistake.

If I gave you the truth, would it keep you alive?
Though I'm closer to wrong
I'm no further from right
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me
Convinced on the inside, you're so much more than me,

I'm beaten down again, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you
I'm weaker now my friend, I belong to them
Beaten down again, I've failed you

The deception you show is your own parasite
Just a word of advice you can heed if you like
And now I'm convinced on the inside that something's wrong with me

"YESTERDAY" STAIND

YouTube - Staind - Yesterday

This song epitomizes the anger side towards my birth parents and how I'm really messed up because of it.

you don't know what you've put me through
it's okay, i've forgiven you
but in some way, hope it ****s with you
hope it ****s with you

that i'm okay and i've made it through
but who's to say what you're going through
i'll say no names, though i've wanted to
isn't it strange how it seems like...

yesterday, a boy and already afraid
locked deep inside, my place to hide
to hide from how you made me feel
and i wonder how's your brother
did he end up ****ed up like me?
lost in himself, crying for help it's safe to say
i learned to live without a pride
just a shell, with me stuck on the inside
a prison, not a place to hide
not a place to hide

"HERE LIES THE WASTE" AIDEN

Aiden - Here Lies the Waste - Free MP3 Stream on IMEEM Music

This song really captures the distress and fear of not being meant to be born, being a mistake.

Take me understood
from this awful life i despise, throw me out in disguise
But I'll wait, I'll ****ing wait for you

Here lies the waste
I will suffer, I will suffer for this taste and not forgiving

**** you and your love
So fake and out of touch
Can you kill me quick? close my eyes, throw me out with no surprise
But I'll wait, I'll ****ing wait for you

"HOME" STAIND

YouTube - Staind - Home

The looming fear of rejection and being disowned by my parents.

I force myself through another day
Can't explain the way today just fell apart like everything
Right in my face
And I try to be the one
I can't accept this all because of you
I've had to walk away
From everything

I'm afraid to be alone
Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I'm afraid to come back home

Afraid you'll leave me when I'm gone
I just wish I was back home

"RUN AWAY" STAIND

YouTube - Staind - Run Away

In order to completely move on through life, there was a time in which I became numb and keep everything as temporary as possible. Others say I'm strong, but really I just hide the pain.

I'm still scared
Afraid of failing
Anticipating
The ride to end
Before the wheels begin to move

Run away
So I can hide
Run away
I've mastered feeling nothing
Run Away
I'm dead inside
Run away
Why don't I care

The truth
Is that I’m not so good
At showing how I feel
Or keeping my mouth shut
When there's something to conceal
Or knowing how to love
Love's not in my memories
How can I rise above
All my insecurities

TORN BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

”DISEASED” SEETHER

YouTube - seether-diseased

This song really captures being stuck in between. It feels like I can’t take any side without causing a negative reaction. Initially my parents said they would try to help me with the search and that they understood, then they started acting like I was betraying them and tried talking me out of it.

I will never belong to you, again
I will never belong to you

If I decide that I am alive
Than I'm diseased and ungrateful
And if I confide that I am a liar
Than I'm diseased and ungrateful
Push in 'til it breaks, if it bleeds then I'll be okay

"COULD IT BE" STAIND

YouTube - Staind - Could It Be

If I had the guts to tell my parents all of this, things would get better. They have often commented on how I have difficulty showing love, that my extended family has noticed that I have difficulty hugging and have come to label me 'the ghost.' Needless to say, all of that on top of being abandoned doesn't add up to a stable degree.

well i don't know what to say
because there's truth to what you say
i know it kills you i'm this way
there's something different every day

could it be that i never had the chance to grow inside?
Could it be that my habit is to find a place to hide?
could it be that sometimes i say things just to disagree?
could it be that i'm only being me?

not easy living in my mind
a little peace is hard to find
my every thought is undermined
by all the history inside

i know i hear the words you said
over and over again
i just can't get them through my head
there's just too many voices
must be like living with the dead
waiting for me to begin
to do the things i have said
and for this i'm sorry
so there's some truth to what you say

"IN BETWEEN" LINKIN PARK

YouTube - Linkin Park - In Between

Another song about being stuck in the middle.

Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan
Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand
I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can

[ReOcB42008]

It IS hard being adopted. Even at 51 I have issues with it. The song that breaks my heart because I think it (pray it does because it means she thinks of me and wants the best for me - even though I grew up in an abusive adoptive family) is "Take Good Care of My Baby"
Take good care of my ba-aby
Please don't ever make her cry-y!
Just tell her that I love her,
and that I'm thinking of her in every day and every way"

[ReOcB42008]

Sorry - rambled off a little in previous post. Love "Take Good Care Of My Baby" because I think it shows that we were not just "thrown" away - we were still loved. I pray that my mom DOES think about and pray for me and my safety - even though I grew up in an abusive and controlling situation and I did the "taking care of" everybody and everything in THAT household.

[EZ2Luv]

I don't have one myself, but my Sweet Amomma had one. Heaven Must Have Sent You. I realize it is geared toward couples but none the less Momma used to always say this was her song to me.
Being that 3 of her full term babies were born still I can see why.

I've cried through many endless nights
Just holding my pillow tight
Then you came into my lonely days
With your tender love and sweet ways
Now I don't know where you come from baby
Don't know where you been my baby
Heaven must have sent you into my arms

Now in the morning when I awake
There's a smile upon my face
You touch my heart with gladness
Wiped away all of my sadness
For so long I've needed love right near me
A soft voice to cheer me
Heaven must have sent you baby into my life

Wanna thank you for the joy you've brought me
Thank you for the things you taught me
Thank you for holding me close (allowing me to hold you close)
When I needed you the most
Now I don't know much about you baby
But I know I can't live without you
Heaven must have sent you honey
To love only me

It's heaven in your arms (with you in my arms)
It's the sweetness of your charms
Makes me love you more each day
In your arms I wanna stay (IN my arms I want you to stay)

She would change the words a little. I still cry whenever I hear that song.

EZ