[blankenb4]

I have to agree with Brandy!

[RobertHafetz]

Originally Posted by stacyone

You know, I read an interview with Verrier where she admitted she never really bonded the same way with her adoptive daughter as with her biodaughter. I can't help but wonder if coming up with the "primal wound" idea was her way of excusing her own guilt... just a thought...

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The book makes a point that many dont want to hear that gestation and adoption do not produce the same kind of attachment. I have to say that to adoptive parents who adopt from their loss of fertility this can be a hurthful concept. One has to feel for them. In the same thought it should be recognized that an adoptee also comes into the relationship from the loss of the birth mother. Traditionally, we claimed that a baby has no lasting effect from this separation. What The Primal Wound states is that here is. Even though much of this is therory and difficult to measure we would be negligent if we ignored the serious implications of this. Keep in mind that the one voice never heard in an adoption is the voice of the infant. As a matter of convienience the adoption industry created beliefs that suited them. The baby will have no memory and no lasting effects, the birthmother is better suited the sooner her baby is taken away, were not based on solid research. It was the belief at the time and it was believed the best interests of the baby were served by these beliefs. Further the denial of the originl birth certificate to adult adoptees also comes from these beliefs On balance they were right, and we cant judge adoption today based on what was believed decades ago. Here today there is good research to indicate that babies do remember, suffer identity loss, and have a need to find their birth mothers. Birth mothers also suffer loss. All of this should not be viewed as inevitable, irreversable damage to both mother and child. That would make us all hopeless victims and no one is served by that belief. I am adopted and I did experience the loss and grief discussed in The Primal Wound. I hid my emotions for 50 years and then when I let them be experienced completely I was taken back by the intensity of them. Its truly amazing what the human mind can supress in order to survive. So while I accept Nancy Verrier's ideas, based on my personal experience, I do not let myself be defined by them. I will define myself. I am adopted and I am not a victim. My life is a triumph because I was adopted not in spite of it.
Robert Allan Hafetz
Roberthafetz@comcast.ne
Not Remembered Never Forgotten

[Pinakitha]

BrandyHagz. Nancy Verrier is not saying that aparents don't have a role. In fact there is a whole section of the book devoted to trying to help adoptive parents to act in ways that will help them to bond successfully with their kids & to help them understand the various behaviours & reactions that may arise (+ how to cope).

The book is very big. However, it is perhaps better to read chunks that appeal to you or to just dip in & read little bits. Over time, you can move on to some other parts &, that way, you will get through the book in the end.

I know that I found this to be the best way for me to cope with reading "Coming Home to Self" and that it did help me to understand many things.

Some people misinterpret what is being said in the book. Perhaps Verrier should look at producing a set of smaller books made up of this one huge tome & phrase it in easier language so that more people "get" what is being said more easily.

I hope I don't get "crucified" for suggesting this. I realise that many people have strong feelings against the book. Nevertheless, IMHO, it is a worthwhile addition to the literature out there on adoption.

[Umbilical child]

Yes there is such a thing as a PRIMAL WOUND..unfortunately this woman now owns the copyright to it...I have to disagree with the book....it comes across as being a thesis into the hearts and minds of all...just take a glance at these forums, there are some common threads but there are just as many conflicting..there is no defining..no pill to swallow..no format ore template for feeling.....We do not have to shed the child...we are who we are and we all stumble and trip our way through life differently............as for a wound....it is deep and I have no idea how to dress it.....

[Opus]

Originally Posted by Umbilical child

Yes there is such a thing as a PRIMAL WOUND..unfortunately this woman now owns the copyright to it...I have to disagree with the book....it comes across as being a thesis into the hearts and minds of all...just take a glance at these forums, there are some common threads but there are just as many conflicting..there is no defining..no pill to swallow..no format ore template for feeling.....We do not have to shed the child...we are who we are and we all stumble and trip our way through life differently............as for a wound....it is deep and I have no idea how to dress it.....

Umbilical Child - That is the problem I had reading the Primal Wound - Verrier's generalizations regarding the behavior of all adopted people. You're right - there is no template, no one format for how we feel but there are some common threads. What I do know from reading the book is that a lot of behaviors that she attributes to a primal wound can also be found in a lot of non adopted persons.

Another issue I had with the book was that a lot of her theoretical support was anecdotal. Maybe it's my background in engineering that requires more scientific evidence but I found her empirical support lacking. I mean, heck, I could go out there and find hundreds of case studies to support my theory that the primal wound doesn't exist but that would not make it true.

Originally Posted by Pinakitha

The book is very big. However, it is perhaps better to read chunks that appeal to you or to just dip in & read little bits. Over time, you can move on to some other parts &, that way, you will get through the book in the end.

Its funny, I found it to be the opposite. I thought she tried to tackle way too much in terms of psychological theory in such a small book to be taken seriously, JMHO. From what I've read in the previous posts, of the folks who could not get through it just couldn't relate to it.

[Jo Ellen]

I am a reunited adoptee and was encouraged to read the book by a birthmother. I was born in the early 60's and when I read the part where it talked of babies being given pheonbarbatal to keep babies from crying for their mothers I broke down and cried because I very well could have been one of those babies given that medication due to the fact of the times and that I was cared for in the hospital nursery for the first three weeks of my life. I also found many things in the book that describes my life to a T. At times parts of it were scary for me to read knowing how much I was able to relate to the issues mentioned in the book.

[hud18son]

I am the wife of an adoptee and found the book very enlightening. I was from the world that thinks you take a baby and place them in a good home and everything is ok but I'm finding out that, that isn't always the case. I'm finding out adoptee's have alot of the same issues. My husband feels more comfortable around people who have been adopted because he feels they understand him and I don't. I earmarked so many pages because I said oh my gosh my husband is acting this way. I'm not sure if he is acting this way due to a Primal Wound but there is something going on.

Even coming here and reading some of your stories I can totally relate them to my husband.

Wether you agree with or reject the theory you can look past that and read the parts about the behavior which has very much helped me as a spouse understand my husband better.

There is another book by Betty Lifton who also makes the same claim about the 'wound' and Betty is an adoptee.

[Manisha]

HAve you read anymore?

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by Manisha

HAve you read anymore?

I have just found this thread and I would like to say as a bmom, that yes, the book was pretty hard to get through and affected me deeply for a couple of weeks, but it was very illuminating and really really helpful, 'cos up to that point, I really couldn't understand where my son was coming from. Then Fauxgina got in touch with me and said, did you know there is a follow up book called 'Coming Home to Self' and I ordered it through the internet and was amazed that it not only showed me what the heck was going on (our reunion has been very hard) but it took me back a stage further and helped me identify my issues too!

I am forever grateful to Nancy Verrier for sticking with it and putting into print a means of expressing how adoptees feel and helping me to understand an amazing amount of what my son says "yes, thats how I feel, have felt'. I would like to offer more another time, but see how many reply to this thread, as it seems to have been going since 2004 and not many more inputs yet for this year????