[BrandyHagz]

Thanks everyone for the replies…

Those that responded with other ways to read the book, I can only say this. If I pick up a book, and read it the way it was supposed to be read, and it seems like complete hogwash to me, then its not going to matter how I read it.

I’m glad that others have found resolve in the book, that’s great. I had reservations about reading a book written about adoptees by anyone other than an adoptee to start with. I agree with what Stacyone said, it sounds like an adoptive mother making an excuse for treating and loving an adoptive child different. To me, there is no excuse, ever.

I’ve shelved the book, and don’t plan on reading it further.

[Missy M]

I actually read this book prior to reuniting with my daughter and even before I knew what her feelings and issues were I thought the book was ....dog bookey. I also felt "put off" at the blanket statements. If I hadn't been the opened-minded person that I am I might have either gone into reunion expecting to find this or at worst scrapped all plans for reunion. I just give it 2 thumbs down...MissyM

[banjo]

As a birthmother the book scared me a lot - then to add to my worries I discovered that many adoptees do have many abandonment/loss/rejection issues [as do many people who are not adopted]. I am glad I read the book as it opened my mind to how adoptees could feel..

Because the book scared me so much I "googled" it and found this forum - I'm very greatful for that. So for me the book has been very beneficial in many ways!
I look at it this way - how did some men who survived WWII manage to handle such a hideous experience better than others? Why were some men incredibly shell shocked and destroyed while others continued their career in the armed forces and were part of other wars ie Korea?

I think some adoptees are seriously effected by the loss of their bmothers - while others just tick along with life and don't have an issue. As a birthmother I think it is important to know that your bchild COULD have an issue with that loss and you need to try and understand that pain - I think most of the time bmothers are so fixated with their pain that they don't realise that other people involved could be hurting. I also I find interesting the author's mooted theory that babies that are separated from their mothers due to death, Prembabies, and other children separated from their mothers at a young age [for whatever reason] and who return to their bfamilies, ie thousands of English children who were sent to live on farms during WWII, could also suffer from this same wound. I believe this could be true...

I know of a family where the oldest daughter went to live with the grandparents somewhere between her 1st and 2nd birthday for 6 months. The mother was not coping with the birth of her second daughter. When the first born returned she had serious issues fitting back into the family and still has problems with her mother and family almost 40 years later - she is perfectly described in the Primal Wound.

I do feel better when I read adoptees comments on this forum that they are not described in the Primal Wound.

KatieBabie - if you feel instinctively that it's right to give your bmother the book then do it. WE do need to understand what adoptees are feeling [which could be the total opposite from the Primal Wound!] But if you think it could ruin your reunion and your bmother is not open to both sides of the story, don't do it!

AS for adoptive parents - the author goes on about how they can help their child to deal with the loss of the first mother. Some aparents are really on to this anyway. Let's face it they are not included as much because I would say 99 percent of adoptive parents did not force the bmother into relinquishing her child...many have their own loss of fertility to deal with...

Most aparents are people who simply want to be parents and do a great job of it. Shame to the aparents who agree to an open adoption then change their minds. I'm glad she put her theory into print

[sonata]

One thing that occured to me as I was reading this book: Up until the 20th century, deaths in childbirth were fairly common. So the same theory that is applied to adoptees would also apply to someone whose mother died giving birth.

That is, there would have been 1000's of people at any given time in history dealing with exactly the same issue. After all, if being separated from the mother immediately after birth has these effects, it would be the same whether she died or gave the child up. Right?

I'm not even saying whether I agree or disagree with the theory. But if there is some validity to it, then it reaches back much farther than the adoption practices we are talking about.

[shirleyville]

Has anyone else read "Adoption Healing" by John Soll? I bought it at the same time that I bought the Primal Wound......
I saw it highly recommended here, and I haven't really read it yet....just skimmed around...and it seems to support the Primal Wound theory, although, like I said, I haven't read it....
Any thoughts on that book?
Sally

[emergence]

As a bmom I was horrified to read extracts of primal wound. I thought my G no body told me my baby would suffer this kind of trauma. I was totally demolished, all the years of longing and hoping that my baby was well and happy - and did not miss me - (very important to say) thought about me yes, but not a child sitting at the window crying when is my mommy coming for me - oh my. Once I had met my daugther and found that she has no "wound" like many adoptees positng here my daughter is a well rounded adult, thank goodness for bonding with afamilies.

Having said that, I do believe that certain questions are raised by some adoptees in closed adoption (the only adoption I have experience with). Some adpopted people are protective of themselves, but I wonder if the percentage is higher in adoptees than the rest of the unadopted population. Some (SOME) adoptee never bond, who really knows why? Is it due to the insecurities of the amom? Who knows? How do we know that bmoms talking to unborn babies (before placing) in a positive manner saying, you will be loved etc.. will not encourage bonding - there are too many unkowns.. Yes we have heard from adopted people who have issues and believe they have primal wound - I am not denying them either. I think it is too early to say that all adopted people have primal wound.

I can read "Primal Wound" objectively now which I could not before I had met my daughter. I don't think PW should be the first book someone reads about adoption. I do not discount the theory, we need more research, much more research before accepting PW as only applying to adopted people.

best wishes to all

[Moonchild_Mom]

Sally,

I've not read John Soll's book, but he does have a website on MSN called "Adoptese". This site is for adoptees and Birth Mothers ONLY and they do not like anyone sharing any positive adoption stories. It is completely anti-adoption. Of course, as an AParent, I'm not a member, but do read there from time to time. Sometimes it can be a bit disturbing.

[Manisha]

I read a semi finished copy before it was printed in book form when I was 17, it brain washed my parents and myself into believing that every issue that was presented in the book was an issue I had, rather than being a typical teenager with social concerns, broken hearts and curiosty in the illegal (under 21)happeneings I was thinking I was that child in the book with massive social, emotional errors due to being adopted. I ADVISE ALL PARENTS TO NOT ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO READ THIS BOOK UNTIL THEY ARE SOCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MATURE.

[l-thompson]

Manisha - I agree with your comment not to allow a child to read the book until they are socially and emotionally mature.
I made the very same comment to my husband when I finished reading it.
Teenagers experience so many ups and downs as they find their way in this world and for an adopted child I believe they could read too much into what really are the trials and tribulations of becoming an adult.

[PinkRibbon]

I'm a therapist and future adoptive mom. I haven't read the book, but from my education and experience, the concept is way outside the mainstream and disempowering. If the reader is able to pick and choose what parts of the book (if any) are applicable to the situation and discard the rest.

[MelsMom]

which helped the MOST was Birthbond. My daughter read my (highlighted) copy and did her own highlights! Then when we found my birthmom, she too read it. Unfortunately she didn't do highlights though. That book was a healing experience and I would really recommend it before any of the others.

As for Primal Wound, it spoke volumes of truth to me explaining many things about myself that I had wondered why I felt for years. Maybe it's just all depending upon each adoptee's unique experience?

I'll tell you what helped me the very very MOST though was belonging to Concerned United Birthparents and attending the meetings/support groups. Since I can't do that now as there is no branch near me, I can do it here!

[Manisha]

Its me again, I had a few days to pull out my copy of Primal Wound and skim the contents and I feel so strongly about how much damage this one simple book has done. I am 31 years old and at certain points in my adult hood I have experienced the common negatives, yet I took them to another level and would rehash statements made in the book and try to rationalize with the statements and I blamed my being adopted on the negative happening of my life. Well guess what I had a wonderful family, I was loved and treated as equal to my older brother...he not being adopted went thru the drug/alcohol issues at 16, and was and is a wonderful adult. I do believe I have been affected by the adoption but I think im a pretty special person that has great parents and I give my 3 children an extra 2 seconds when I hug them in offering them the love my birth mother must have had for me, for she gave me a better life and she deserves the respect of knowing when she couldn't handle a child. Thank you.

[StarryNight™]

From a different perspective, I just finished it. What got me aggravated was how the author was telling me (as the reader) that since I am an adoptee that I act certain ways for a reason. Horse hockey! How on earth could I act the way she protrayed some of the ideas when I did not even know I was adopted until I was 35??

Not to mention it has made me and my husband rethink the idea of adopting a child since we cannot have a biochild! (I will still have some of those nagging thought of hers in the back of my head, even if I do not believe her ideas.)

I can agree with a few points but those are few and far between. I have to wonder out of all her years of dealing with her practice and her supposed adoptee clients if she ever really listened to them or if what she said was just from her own opinion dealing with her daughter. ugh. Some of the things may apply to some adoptees... some not. There is no reason to generalize.

[l-thompson]

I think thats why Primal Wound aggravates so many people - its because so many assumptions are made and that all adoptees are meant to be a certain way or react to certain situations because of the primal wound.

I know for a fact that a good friend of mine can identify with so many points that the book raises and she is not adopted.
The book didn't offend me at all, but I can see how a few adoptees may use it as an"out" rather than taking responsibilty for themselves and their happiness.

As an adoptee I could relate to a few things - but like anything you read, take from it what can help and throw out the rest.

[dl]

StarryNight: "Not to mention it has made me and my husband rethink the idea of adopting a child since we cannot have a biochild! (I will still have some of those nagging thought of hers in the back of my head, even if I do not believe her ideas.)"

I have found it very sad whenever I have read that a child that needs parents and a home, may be deprived of loving parents and a good home because of one person's "theory" . There are many adoptees, myself included, that do NOT identify at all with anything connected to the Primal Wound theory and find it extremely offensive to be labeled disordered, wounded and traumatized.

Last year, out of concern for an amother that was hesitating to adopt a second child out of fear of wounds, disorders and traumas, I started a thread titled “Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee”. Insight for Aparents from an Adoptee

One positive story was followed by many others. Perhaps it will chase away some of those nagging thoughts that this theory has left you with.

l-thompson: "I know for a fact that a good friend of mine can identify with so many points that the book raises and she is not adopted."

Exactly! That is the problem I have with those that blame any negative feelings and behaviors totally on the fact an adoptee joined their family through adoption. What excuse do we give those that have relationship problems, low self-esteem, don't feel connected to their family, can't keep a steady job etc.~ that were NOT adopted?