[echaos]

How do you find a happy balance of household duties?

I used to read articles about how stay at home parents always got the raw end of the deal, especially when it was stay at home moms. They were expected to do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing etc... I vowed that I would never allow myself to be in that situation, either the person at home doing it all, or the person going to work leaving it all for my partner to do.

Well..... 2 years into things I am finding that reality is sometimes different then what you had planned on.

I work outside of the home at a 40 hour + a week job, plus 1 hour travel a day. So I'm gone from 7 am to 4:30, leaving the house before Liam and Hilary wake up. Hilary is a fulltime SAHM to our son Liam who is almost 2. When I get home from work, Hilary is usually wiped out out from a whole day alone with a toddler, so Liam and I head out to play giving her some much needed alone time to read, soak in the tub or watch some tv. She then makes dinner (I have very limited cooking skills vs her master chef abilities). We eat together, Liam and I play together for another 1/2 hour or so and then I get him ready for bed. I give him his bottle, he falls asleep, Hilary and I watch about a half hour of tv and then our bedtime ritual of getting clothes out, putting my lunch together and off to bed we go. This doesn't leave much (if any) time for me to do housework in the evening. Weekends we try to do things together, and I try to have some Me-time on Sunday afternoons.

Hilary has been very frustrated lately that she is doing more then the lion's share of housework. I realize this and feel horrible that I'm not keeping up my side of things, but I just don't know how.....

Any suggestions?

[spaypets]

I'm the working wife, DH is a SAHF. His job is to take care of the house.

During the week I get DD up in the morning and change her diaper, kiss her and DH goodbye and leave. He does the cooking, the shopping, the laundry, the lawn and snow plowing, dog care, takes out the trash etc. We have a cleaning service to vacuum, dust and mop.

When I come home I play with DD until dinner, we eat as a family and then I used to give DD a bath, but she likes it better when Papa gives it, so to avoid the nightly crying, he took that over and I do the dishes. I put DD to bed.

I do gardening and home maintenance like painting. I've also been known to throw up my hands and reorganize cupboards because they're driving me crazy (not sure DH is thrilled with that). I bake bread and pitch in with the laundry on the weekends.

DH is very insistant that his job is the homefront and feels like he's not pulling his weight if I do something housewifey. I would do more, but he doesn't want me to. I think he feels like since essentially I'm supporting him, he has to earn his keep (that's HIS take on it, certainly not mine).

[ddhuab]

Would it be possible to learn to cook a couple of simple meals (like broiled /baked/marinated chicken breasts or shake and bake pork chops, mac-and-cheese, and some green beans or something?) and do that one-to-two nights a week when you get home, AND do the dishes so Hilary can get a night totally "off" with the exception of keeping Liam occupied? Or maybe Liam could "help" you, or she could entertain him and sit and talk to you while you do the cooking?

OR, maybe you could order take out and pick it up on the way home? (And invest in some paper plates and cups and call that "picnic" night)?

Maybe those ideas won't work -- I freely admit I have no experience here, as I am still waiting to adopt -- but I'm a grad student and teach part-time and get most (ok, ALL) of the in-house chores, and I get in ruts where I MUST require dh to cook -- or I marinate and he grills and then does clean-up... a lot of times he will just pitch in when he thinks I am overwhelmed with grading papers, etc. and will clean up the kitchen or -- gasp --- do a load of laundry and fold it (although this is generally only TOWELS, but that is one less load I have to do).

We are trying to order out less because we are trying to budget (both for the adoption and so that I can be a SAHM).

I don't know if these are good suggestions, but DH does help me sometimes, and he often works 60+ hours a week and we live an hour out of town. I'm sure I am making myself sound really lazy, but, honestly, I think I missed the domestic gene... we've been married 7 years now, though, and after about 2 years of "disaster house" when I worked full-time and went to school, I realized I had to give up on EQUALITY in housework. Now we have a really cheap housecleaning service every two weeks - but they barely do ANYTHING -- it encourages me, though, to keep the house clean enough for the service to run in and mop, vaccuum, and clean the kitchen and bathrooms.

I know Hilary does MUCH more than I have to, but believe me, a LITTLE effort by the "working" spouse goes a long way and is really appreciated!

Sorry so long - I just have always enjoyed your posts here and I hope you get some good ideas.

D.