[KzooPAPA]

I am a bit lost, to be honest. I have spent an inordinate time searching the web for people with similar experience - but it is in the adoption forums that I find people most able to provide insight.

Understand . . . that I was raised by my mother and only my mother. While certainly not adopted, I have NEVER known any information about my father. Not a shred. In fact, I wasn't terribly concerned with an individual who through my own assumption cared nothing for me. My father left before I was born - and until this week, my mother has never spoken more than the words "He was a good man - but I told him if he left, to never come back."

A bit of info - I am a fairly successful 32 year old married male with my first child on the way. Perhaps it is through the pregnancy process with my wife, that I have become more and more interested in actually finding out WHO my father is. Regardless, I finally (after 32 years) worked up the courage (okay that's not really true - my wife forced my mother and I to talk) to ask my mother more about my father. The insuing discussion left me speechless, and now more confused than ever . . .

Apparrently my mother was involved with a married man - with whom she had an affair and a subsequent child (ME). This man then proceeded to return to his married life and asked to never be burdened again. My mother (out of love, I truly believe) complied and to her credit refused to tell me anything about him until that conversation a few nights ago. My question is, now that I know the whole story (names, birthday, family info,etc) how do I proceed?

Through some quick internet searching (who said being a computer geek couldn't help out in life at somepoint) I have found that my BIODAD is alive and well in Florida. But how do I go about making contact? And the bigger question, should I?

You see - my BIODAD was nearly 20 years older than my mother at the time I was born, which makes him almost 80 years old now. I have no idea as to his condition or mental status. I KNOW where he lives, and now have a confirmed address and phone (having resourceful friends can be a wonderful thing!) but for the life of me, I don't know what to do with it!! The idea of having a geriatric BIODAD is disturbing - but I feel compelled to move forward.

While I realize this situation is clearly not an adoption issue - it seems to mee that much of the pain/guilt/anger/excitement/fear that I am having now is quite similar to that which many of you have so eloquently described. It is my hope that through a few of your experiences and insight, I might better to be able to understand and cope with these feelings and in fact find a way to move forward.

Please - help!!

[Lewey]

Although my parents were married at the time of my birth, my father left before I was three months old, I do not know the circumstances as to why he left and my Mother has never told me more than his name, which I found out recently was not the whole truth, my Mother remarried and when I was 12 I was adopted by my stepfather (not by choice), I have searched on and off for over 20 years, I have always wanted to know my birthfather, but at times I feel that he does not want to be found, so I step back, but being a birthmother myself and reunited in the last year I have this need to and true desire this time around to find him and i think as we get older our need becomes stronger, so just maybe your father has the same need? I say send him a register letter and see what happens, I think you'll be happy that you did. Let us know what happens.

Lewey

[KzooPAPA]

Thanks for your help, Lewey. I think that I have decided to try and contact my 1/2 sibling - although not knowing that he has a 1/2 sibling poses its own unique challenges. i guess I feel more comfortable with a less direct route - and if I find my bfather to be living - I will just have to work up the courage to call or write.

However - that same friend of mine supplied me with some conflicing information. Apparrently there is a death registry for a man with my bfather's name and birthdate - but the report has several inconsitencies.

This now adds the wrinkle that my bfather may be deceased (something I guess I never considered) which brings a whole new chapter into this rapidly developing story.

Ohh the power of the unknown!!

[Lewey]

Your right, death is not always a consideration, unfortunately it is reality, I hope that the records are wrong and that you do find your father, and how great that you have a sibling, I hope that when I find my father I also find siblings, I can't wait to hear how it goes, keep me updated.

Lewey

[KzooPAPA]

Lewey,

So right you are. Death is a possibility that I never expected.

Because of your kind words, I decided to take matters into my own hands. A couple of nights ago, I discovered that my bfather's oldest son lived in my very own home town. Rather than continue the agony, I contacted him via E-mail under the auspices of "genealogy research" saying that I was looking for a man that once worked with my mother. The next morning, he confirmed my suspicions, returning a pleasant E-mail saying that his father had passed away in 1999 after heart surgery at the age of 73.

A HUGE wave a guilt, anger, and despair washed over me. How can I feel so much loss for someone I don't even know? Until 5 days ago - I didn't really believe this man ever existed. Now here I am, 5 days later, mourning for him.

That spurred me on to not wait another minute to contact his son, my 1/2 brother.

Check out this link http://www.adoptionforums.com/showth...239#post201239

As of today - I have made contact, and am going to try to put some of the pieces together that have been missing for 32 years. While I can't say it is what I expected - it is the truth. And that is much more than I had last week!!

Thanks

[Lewey]

I'm sorry to hear about your Father's passing, I'm also afraid that I may have the same results as you, that is if I ever find my Father, however I would love to know that I have siblings. I think your grief is normal, deep down your Father was a part of you and there's nothing wrong with mourning the what might have been. Let me know how it goes with your half brother.

Lewey