[Nicksmom]

I have never used a message board before, others I have read are way too scary. This forum seems very genuine and helpful. Not to mention the fact that I just do not have anyone else in my life that can give me advise on this matter. At least none from an experienced point of view.

Where to start..... My son Nick was born on December 10 1983. He was such a beautiful baby. I placed him on December 22nd. Only after meeting his adoptive parents. I wanted to be sure that he was with his new family for Christmas and not in limbo. It tore my heart out to know that he was gone and my arms ached to hold him. Every day for the next 18 and 1/2 years I thought about him. I wondered the usual, is he safe, is he happy. Along with the... What is his favorite color, What does he look like, Does he have lots of friends. Well one day it hit me! He was finally 18 and of legal adult age. I could look for him!! I had his first and middle names, his date /location of birth and his adoptive parents first names. After giving all the information I had to private company. They were able to "tentatively" locate him. I had a full name and address. He has lived in a nearby town that I frequented often before and after his birth. I and my close friends remember me always remarking that I felt a strong..... I don't know what to call it..... maybe yearning, knowing..... about that area. It is really weird. Well anyway I took a chance that he would be graduating this year and went to the local high school graduation. As they marched the graduates out, he walked right by me, I picked him out immediately!! And when they called his name it was all the confirmation I needed. He looks exactly like me. After the ceremony I had to get closer, not even thinking I would find him in such a large crowd, I actually ran into him. He towers over top of me. Looking at him made me feel so alive. I have never set my eyes on a more comforting sight in my life. I hung back, with my best friend by my side and just listened to his laugh as he joked with his friends and accepted anything that he unknowingly would give. I watched him with his Adoptive parents and breathed a sigh of relief to be able to witness the love and pride they had for him. They did as they had promised, they took care of him. That was the last time I saw him. I want to make contact but I just don't know how. I don't even know if he knows he is adopted. His Aparents said they were going to tell him because not to would be lying. I am so afraid that I will interupt his life or be rejected by him. I have so many questions. So please, anyone, give me some feedback. All advice is welcomed especially the feedback for male adoptees. Thanks again.... Sorry this is so long.

Nicksmom

[lisadean]

Hi Nicksmom,

I'm lisa and I am a birth mother too. The only thing I can do is give you what I would do in your shoes.

Wow, what a gift you got. Just to lay eyes on him and to know he is healthy and happy. I know that I would love just the opportunity to see my Dwight, I would give my right arm and leg for it. I'm not sure I could have been so strong, not to fall out and weep though.
I would go for it and make the contact. I would contact the a-parents first and let them know and go from there. Let them have a part in it, as they have had a part in the rest of his life. This would give you and them a chance at a good start too. What a gift he would receive, three parents.
Let us all know what you decide, okay. Good luck and GO FOR IT, for all of us who are still searching.
Sincerely,
Lisa

[brown_eyed_mom]

Hello Nicksmom,

I agree with Lisa. You should contact the Aparents. They will know if he knows about his adopted status and if he is asking to find you. I hope they are cooperative.

If you are nervous, you may want to use someone as a go-between for the first call (maybe a lawyer).

All you can do is try.

Keep us posted,

Lisa

[lisadean]

Hi to Nicksmom and to brown-eyed-mom,

I'm not sure I would use a lawyer, the a-parents may feel threatened by that. I do like the idea of a go-between though. I would ask someone I trusted, like a friend. Remember these are matters of the heart, the legal stuff is over.

The a-parents would be more receptive if they knew that it isn't just them who are scared of this day too. Everyone envolved is nervous at this point and the last thing needed is a stranger.

I would use the old adage, baby-steps.

Well keep us updated.

Lisa

[cschultz]

thats great that u found ur son! May I ask, how long did it take u, and how did u find him?

Congrats - Connie

[stephen]

hi. my name is steve and i/m adopted. i would love the opportunity to meet my birth mom. yes i agree with the others that you should talk with the a-parents first...but then what? what if they tell you that they/ve never told him he was adopted? or he does know and they refuse to tell him that you are trying to contact him? maybe i/m just paranoid..lol thats what i believe my a-mom would tell my birth mom if that ever happened. she can be kinda freaky about the situation, but if he knows and i was in his shoes... i would love for you to contact me. there is something missing for an adoptee that cannot be filled by an adopted parent, siblings, friends, or even a spouse, as i have already found out the hard way. i know it would be a chapter in my book if i could know who my birth mom is whether she would want to meet me or not. i wish you all the luck with this and hope and pray you have a glorious reunion with your son..............steve

[lisadean]

Hi Stephen,

I'm Lisa Dean and I replied to this thread. I read your reply and it saddened me.
How old are you? Where did your adoption take place? Have you spoken to your a-mom about your feelings? She would surely understand, my son is 24 in June this year and I pray that his a-mom would.

If Nicks a-mom does not tell him or does not want Nicks b-mom to have contact, I would (as a b-mom) go ahead and contact him then. It would have to be that way and then things would have to be ironed out later.

Good luck to all, I have to go.

Lisa

[kimannef]

Hi Nicksmom - I'm an adopted only child and can give you, maybe, a different perspective. Like your son, my parents loved me a lot. But my Mom has always been very threatened, for lack of a better word, whenever I had any questions about my adoption or bfamily and didn't like to discuss it. My dad was the opposite. So I learned never to discuss it with my Mom. I found my bmom, who rejected me for the second time, and after her death, I found my siblings, who were shocked, but have been wonderful and accepting. My mom have met them, and listens about them with cool reserve. So if you contact the aparents (I agree to forget the attorney), I would do it myself so that they can ask you any questions and find out your objective. They may be reluctant, and may even tell you your son doesn't know, hoping you will not contact him. And they may do everything in their power to make sure you do not contact him. That's worse case scenario. But with issues of the heart, we (adoptees and parents alike), must always be prepared and willing to accept the worst. I, personally, knowing how my mom feels about it, would skip the parents, and contact my son directly with a letter. That would give him time to think about it, reread it, and decide on his own without his parents influence if he wanted to contact you. It would also give him time, if he knows his parents would be hurt, to tell them in his own way and his own time. I'm going to assume that they did tell him. If they did not, you would be giving him quite a shock, and his aparents would pay the price for not being truthful. My deep feeling is that a secret kept is always a volcano waiting to erupt. The big question in my mind would be if you have any feelings about whether he knows or not. The other persective as an adoptee is, he may have a void in his life, just like Stephen mentioned and just like I had. It's a void that cannot be filled with love, family, or anything else. My void was filled not only from finding family, but from having some answers. Steve and I both had similar experiences with our moms feeling threatened - maybe it's a mom thing... we love our children so, so much and don't want another woman to replace us. Wouldn't that be terrible?? But you can do much to relieve that fear. I say go with your heart on whether to contact parents or son. But in the end, do make contact, because you may be filling Nick's void - one that he parents don't even know he has. Mine parents never did.

Steve - I understand what you are feeling. And after having my own son, that feeling deepened and almost hurt. And I had this terrible need to get a medical background for my son. You never know when you might find your bfamily. Don't give up. I found my sibs 10 years ago, and just this weekend, another sister found us!!! She recently got her natural birth certificate and was searching sites like this for her natural last name, and on a geneology site, she came across a distant cousin, who put her in touch with my brother! We can't believe it. In Ohio, if you were born before 1964, your adoption records are open, and you can just go to Vital Statistics and get your natural certificate. That's where it all begins. In my case, I just gave a copy of my certificate to a private investigator, and in two weeks he found my bmom! Good luck to both of you and I will keep you in my prayers! Kim

[dl]

I would start by contacting the adoptive parents to see is he knows he's adopted and give them the opportunity to participate in the reunion. You might start with a letter to the adoptive parents letting them know that now that he is over 18 you would like to give him the option of communicating with you. I would not phrase it that you are asking their permission, only that you wanted to give them the courtesy of communicating with you prior to you contacting him directly. I would mention that you will wait a month to hear back from them and if you do not receive any input from them you will then proceed with a letter to him directly. If they have never told him I'm sure you will find that out immediately and it's past time for him to learn the truth. In any case, he is over 18 and the truth is important for many reasons. As an adoptee, anytime I've filled out papers at a doctor's office I've always drawn a line across the family health history and put "unknown". For his future and his children's future he should have his true medical history and the truth about the beginning of his life.

Don't bug him if you are not honestly willing to accept a negative or indifferent response. Remember, the adoptee already has stable family attachments and may have no interest in your story.
You showing up is the LAST thing an 18-year old boy needs, their coping skills are maxed out at that age, and there is a good chance he will want nothing to do with the situation. A lot of adopted males honestly don't care about their adoption details. Wait until he has his own family or something. He will be able to handle it better (or hire a better lawyer to make you go away)
My Birth "mother" contrived a most unwelcome face-to-face with me when I was 17, and her poor judgement cost her any chance of a relationship with me (and a restraining order for her!).

Many years later, my birthmom is still stalking me from afar, and recently took to bugging my wife to conspire with her, which is contemptible and inexcusable. She is in complete denial, and writes as if we were old friends, and brags about how she knows my hobbies & interests & other personal stuff. Creepy! I NEVER reply. She is a stranger to me and I never had any interest in a reunion. I refuse to have my life become an "Oprah" episode.

[Roxanne]

Hello Ding Ding! What are you waiting for. No one can guranteed that you, him or I. Will be here tommrow. Reach out and touch someone. Let it be . You already know. So Go Forward and Reap the benefits of love. Blessings. Roxy

[koon38]

Hi Nicksmom,

I am a male adoptee. I recently searched and found my birthfamily. As most any adoptee can relate to, there is a need to find out about their past. Adoptive parents can get in the way, and your son is an adult now. I think that you should just contact him. Sure, you stand the chance of regret, but so did I when I contacted my family. But, you'll never know if you don't. Good luck.

[Susan Holcombe]

I agree with Roxanne. OMG what are you waiting for? What a blessing you have been given. If I could be so lucky, I wouldn't have had to ask anyone what to do. Are you kidding me? Why were you even searching if you needed someone to tell you what to do when you found him. It is a win/lose situation, and only you will reap the rewards. OMG DONT WAIT....DO IT...DO IT NOW

[Kelly Hayes]

I was in the same scenario several weeks ago. I trusted that my baby boy I placed for adoption in '84 was put into a good home. I conducted a search through a local firm and he was located within 2 weeks time. I think I was just looking for some peice of mind on my part. My other half was out there somewhere..(My husband says for 10 years I acted like a Mama cat who just had her kittens given away). Initially, I thought I might just drive by the area where he lived and just get a feel for how his life might be. I didn't want to disrupt the life he already has. When the information was released to me last week I was astonished to discover that my 'son' was only 10 minutes away living in a neighboring town. I have some mutual friends of his and his parents. This world is just too small sometimes. The chances of me running into him in the near future are just too easy which scares me. I, in turn, wrote a letter to his parents telling them of my intentions and also broke the news to them of how close I really was. Within a week they wrote back and agreed that they would like to meet in the future to decide the next course of action. I really have peace with this. Whether or not my maternal son ever pursues trying to find out who I am and why I placed him is his business....I just made my self accessible to his parents who can reveal this to him at anytime. Remember: The adoption process never really is about you or I , but the love and concern we had for the baby we placed into a home other than ours. To lay down your life for another is such a special thing. What an unselfish love....remember that and always do what is right for him...not you. I really think you should write a letter to his parents. After all , you trusted them to raise this baby of yours all along. I am sure he is well. Because they know him well, maybe they can suggest a course of action for you both in the future. Please keep us posted as I will as well.

[bacon_a]

No one understands the hole in your life that is created when you do not know your birthmother, except an adoptee. Your son looks happy and well-adjusted, and he may very well be, but very seldom is such a chance laid forth to reunite under such good circumstances.

That said, it will certainly be a shock to him. I have not searched for my birth mother as of yet, but am likely to start soon. My not knowing how profoundly being adopted has changed my perception of life has caused me to make profund missteps and choices out of fear rather than emotional maturity... the pain of the separation is always waiting to take the wheel if I allow myself to be emotionally vulnerable enough. I can only think that anything that has a chance of reducing this burden on your son would be a good thing.

Always remember, that adoptee is the only one who had no concious influence at all over the situation that led to his separation from you. A more accurate description of an adoptee is "one who lost their parents when they were very young." The impact cannot be underestimated.

Hope this helps,
Andrew