[crystalrose]

My birthmother and I met about 6 months ago now, and things are not
quite as great as they were well I guess you could say about the
first few weeks. She stays upset over the fact that I don't keep in
contact like I did in the beginning.

First off to explain a little about the situation of why.

When me and my two younger sisters were placed in foster care it was
1983, and I was 2, Rebecca Sue was 1, and Angela had only just
been born a few months before. We were all placed in custody of the
Norfolk Social Services in VA, all becasue of our mothers neglect to
care for us. She would lock us away in my room, with the two of
them, while she would go out, our father was rarely ever there due
to he was in the military and always out to see. She was an
alchoholic, and she was into some drugs as well. She does not
understand why I can hardly forgive her for this, along the top of
the fact when our father was home, my other two sisters were already
placed and I was still in and out of their home, due to them
fighting the courts for me to be placed, but she would leave me with
my birthdad, who molested me until I was nearly 5 when finally his
rights were completely terminated. Hers were still instated on
visitation rights, as I had finally been placed in a home, and that
is who my adopted parents are now. At any rate, I came to know all
the actual facts when I met her, and she gave me her court papers
from one of the court proceedings in which she was trying not to
have her rights terminated. In those papers it shows and says
exactly what I remember to the day, as well as what my own papers
say that my adopted paretns have. Also what many I have talked to
have confirmed what is true. I mean if you think about it, I have
cigarrette burn marks from her burning me, and the memories of being
locked in a room, in which still to the day I am scared to sleep
alone and in the dark. I am 22 for goodness sakes, but it has been
so hard to deal with her whining, and complaining, much less her
blaming everyone else for her own actions.

What do I do, do I keep a relationship with her, or break it
completely off with her. I tried to at first, but she kept emailin
me, and sending me things in the mail. Don't get me wrong the
pictures she has sent me of my birthfamily are great cause that in
the beginning when I started my search nearly 7 years ago, is all I
ever wanted. But its just getting to hard for me now. And also she
wants a mother daughter relatinship with me, and I can't give that
to her, because I have a mother whom I dearly love, and that took
care of me, fed me, clothed me, sat with me in the hopsital before
she even got me in which I was near death because of it.

Thanks,

Crystal Rose Kramer

[sweetnoodle]

Crystal,
Please do not feel guilty about wanting to pull back. Your bmom has issues she still hasn't dealt with. It's not for your better health to get sucked back in to an unhealthy relationship. Do not feel guilty at all. You set the parameters, and it really will be better for you and for her overall. I am a reunited adoptee. Bless you. I'm so sorry for what you went through.

[babymeows]

You sound so much like me and my brother. We were finaly adopted at the ages of 8 and 6 yrs. My older brother remembers more than I do, but it is still hard for me.
My bmother found us about a month ago. and I can tell she is still a drunk if not still on drugs. She wants me to call her (mom) because as she puts it, (she was my FIRST mom.) Feel free to e-mail me. babymeows@yahoo.com

It seems like we have had alot of the same problems.

[vicrose]

I cannot imagine having to endure what you have. No child should ever have to endure that abuse, so please don't feel bad about holding back with your birthmother. You have a loving family, and you really seem like you have it all together for such a young person. As an adoptee, I know it's great to finally find out where you came from, and see pictures of your extended family, but you seem as if you have come to terms with your past and your birthmother has not. Have you kept in contact with your siblings over the years? You are young and have a full life ahead of you, don't let this one person keep you down.

[crystalrose]

no I have not kept in touch with my sisters, because they were placed in another home, and as far as I know they were not going to be told about their adoptions. Which has been hard on me, because I have always prayed and wished upon every birthday of mine that i would be able to meet them once again and know them again and have a sister relationship.

[shirleyville]

Crystal,
I just wanted to share with you that I am an adoptee, and more than anything in this life, I would love to know that I have siblings. I know every case is different, and maybe this doesn't pertain to your situation, but even if Ihad NO IDEA I had been adopted, and I received a call from one of my siblings, I would be ecstatic........
Maybe searching for, and finding your siblings would be a good way to bring more closure and healing? You share something with these young women that you don't share with anyone else. Don't make assumptions that it would be best to "leave well enough alone."
Good luck! My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Sally

[Robin C.]

Dear Crystal,
You do not have to feel bad that you do not want a relationship to your birthmother. She gave up all ( ALL) rights to you. You now belong to your parents. Do not enable your birthmother's behavior. Do not accept the gifts etc. if they make you feel guilty. Also you can block her e-mail. This may seem harsh, but Crystal, this is just another form of abuse. A truly loving person does what is best for another, not for their own needs. The bible states that" What greater love has man than this: that he lay down his life for a friend!" There is always the hurt that when we try to find the missing pieces, we feel that we are then obligated to be in the"families" lives again. Not so. Please be who you are and do not let guilt nor manipulation lead you around your entire life. You have been through enough, start to live again!!!
Hope this helps some, please feel free to e-mail me purple_grace_35@hotmail.com. I have been close to that same scenario, now I am 7 years behind it with my birthfather. Good luck.
Robin

[vicrose]

Crystal-I agree with Shirleyville on trying to find your sisters!! I know that I have birthsiblings out there and if my birthmom won't tell them about me, then I'm going to have to tell them, because they are a part of me!! Everyone is different, and it's your choice, and I know it must be hard enough right now just dealing with your birthmother. Your siblings would probably cherish a reunion. And I remember you said that they probably were not told of the adoption, but maybe someone had a slip of the tongue through the years and maybe they do know, maybe they just don't know about you. What do your adoptive parents say about your birthmother's behavior? They must be angry!, because I am angry!

[babymeows]

I am sorry to hear that you have not found your sisters yet. Please dont give up. Our birthmother also had 3 of us before she tied her tubes after I was born. My brother and I were in and out of foster homes since we were born. We all had different fathers, and our older sisters dad got full costody of her when she was 1yr old. We never realy got to know her.

My brother and I always hoped she had a good life and thought that because her dad cared enough to get her that she probably had a good life. The last time we saw her was her 8th b-day. I was 3 and my brother was 5. We had not had hardly any contact before that because her father did not want her to have anything to do with us or our bmother who we still were in contact with and were still in and out of her home. The only reson we got to see her then was because our foster pairents at the time did everything they could to get us the visit. They are now our mom and dad, and we love them very much.

When our bmother found us about a month ago, so did our sister! We found out her life had not been a good one at all. She has been looking for us since she was 16. She remembers us when we got to see her on her 8th birthday. Her dad gave her up to the state when she was 11yrs old, and went to live with our b-mother when she was 14. She suffered alot of abuse from her father, such as he got drunk and broke a board over her back. She is 30yrs old now and has alot of back problems because of it.

When she went to live with our bmother at 14. Our bmother got drunk and passed out while my sister got raped by our bmothers husband of the time.

My sister got maried and had 3 children. Her husband that she was maried to for 12yrs beat her and there kids. Her children have been taken away from her about a year and a half ago. She is almost through her divorce now but it is to late for her to get her kids back. The state says she can not protect them. Her older 2 are in one foster home that they have been in since they were taken away, but the 6yr old has been in many different foster homes. Although I have never met them I am now trying to adopt them, so they can stay together.

I am so glad that we are in contact with our sister, but like you I dont want a relationship with our mother, we went threw so much pain in our childhood. I have blocked everything out from before I was 8yrs old, but my brother has not been able to. He remembers the mental, phisical, and sexual abuse we both had to go through.


Please dont stop looking for your sisters. Untill you find them you will not know if they are realy happy or not. For me I can no longer hope everything went well for my sister. I hope you find them and I hope they had good lives. They will probably love having another sister!

Sorry this was so long.

[VANICE]

I guess my first question, would be why did you ever look for your Bio-Mother? Things were not good then and they still are not. An Adoptee takes a chance when they find their Bio-Family. It could turn out very bad and be destructive. That is why most Judges are against releasing records for Adoptees. The risks are very high and there can be much emotional pain to deal with. You have too much pain to deal with and you cannot forgive some things from the past. I am not saying you are wrong, I am just saying you found your Bio-Mother for the wrong reasons. I found my
Bio-Dad after 54 years. I has made up my mind that I was not going to hold anything from the past against him. If he turned out to be somethig that scared me or made me feel uneasy, then I would meet him and walk out of his life forever. It is all about choices. Your choice may be to put our Bio-Mom back in the past and continue your life without her. Whatever you do, don't struggle with her. Make your peace and choice and stick with it.

[kimannef]

Vanice - I would be hard pressed to ever tell anyone they searched for the wrong reasons. Exactly what reasons are the "wrong" reasons and what reasons are the "right" reasons? I know you probably did not mean to sound harsh, but Crystal is now asking for help on what to do next and needs our support.

Crystal - Did your bmom ever give you a heartfelt apology for what she put you and your sisters through? Has she asked you for forgiveness? If she did not, your pulling away is nothing to feel guilt over as she has not taken responsiblity for her actions. If she has asked your forgiveness and you are having trouble forgiving her, let me give you something to think about. When we forgive somebody, we are releasing or letting go of all the hatred, anger, resentment, and ill feelings towards that person. We can forgive someone because we choose to do that, even if they haven't asked us to, because forgiving someone else is much more important for ourselves and own emotional well being than for the person we are forgiving. Forgiveness is a mental choice we make to ourselves, and slowly, the ill feelings release themselves. However, it was explained to me by my Pastor, that many people (me included) believe reconciliation is combined with forgiveness. They are very separate matters. You can choose to forgive someone without being reconciled with that person. That doesn't mean you haven't forgiven them, you just choose not have that person in your life, or you limit your exposure to them. That's called self preservation, and most people that choose to separate themselves or limited themselves from someone does it because the relationship is not healthy and it causes them pain, anguish, guilt, anger, sadness, stress, etc. That's okay.

You have been through more than most people, and I couldn't possibly understand all your feelings. You did not deserve to be treated the way that you were. Your anger and fears are quite understandable and you have emotional scars from your experiences. And yet, from your words, I see great strength, wonderful courage, and character. You made the effort to find her, your suspicions were confirmed by her, now you wonder whether or not to have her in your life. Only you can make that decision based on how she makes you feel. If you choose to keep the relationship, do so on your terms - set limits and boundaries. Talk to her about your feelings. If you choose to break off the relationship, be truthful. Tell her why, and be firm about wanting no contact. You sound as though you have a wonderful heart, Crystal, and stepped out of your comfort zone to find answers. That takes courage. Now think about forgiveness if you can, and let your heart make the decision on the relationship. I will keep you in my prayers and ask you be given wisdom and peace with your decision! God bless you, Crystal. Kim

[VANICE]

There are many wrong reasons to make contact with a Bio-parent. I had rather tell you the right reasons. Bio-Parents that are met with love, forgiveness, and understanding have better chances of being successful than those met with guilt, what if's, and sorrow. I didn't spend 5 months a hard research looking for my Dad to make him feel bad for what he did. I looked him up to thank him and tell him that I love him. I cannot redo the past. He cannot redo the past. We have many wonderful tomorrows. My Dad told me that was his biggest concern in meeting with me, was that I was going to make him feel bad and place so much guilt on him that he couldn't stand himself. He said and I quote, "Darling I have beat myself up for over 54 years and cried a river, but it never changed anything until you come back into my life and showed me how much you love me and without asking you forgave me"! I can now forgive myself"!!

[kimannef]

I disagree, Vanice, that there are "many wrong" reasons to search. I don't really think any of us adoptees go through the frustration, fear and pain of searching just so we can lay a guilt trip or plan to lash out in anger or frustration at our bparents. But I do think the negatives feelings have to be acknowledged and then worked on. True, relationships are more successful when you can take love, understand, and forgiveness INTO the relationship, but that's not always possible in the very beginning. There are way too many variables. I personally did not go searching for my bmom to say thank you. Yes, I appreciate the fact that she gave me away instead of aborting me. But I never really felt "thankful" that she gave me away. I went searching for my siblings first and foremost, and my second reason was for answers. Everyone has very personal reasons for searching. Sometimes you have to work through the negative emotions to get to the foregiveness and understanding part. And if the negative emotions cannot be worked through (for many reasons), that's okay, too, because maybe the answers are enough. I think what many of us want is a feeling of wholeness - through voids being filled and questions being answered. I'm glad, Vanice, that you have been blessed with a wonderful relationship with your Dad. Kim

[VANICE]

I acknowledge your feelings. Everyone is different in the way that they face hurts of the past. My Bio-Mom is the reason that my Bio-Dad gave me up for adoption. The story is painful for him to this very day. I know where my Bio-Mother lives, but choose to not make contact with her. My Bio-Dad gave me a chance to have a life that he could not provide and that my Bio-Mother did not want to provide. He was only 19 when he gave me up. I never asked any questions of my Dad. Did I want to? YES!! I waited patiently while he revealed small facts at first, and then little by little he pieced together a very sad and unhappy situation that I was born into. Am I better person for knowing, probably not! I don't want to live my life in anger and resentment about something that happened so long ago. I am okay with myself as a person. I am an Educator. I been approached to write my story, but I choose not to at this time. I wish anyone well that wants to find their Bio-Parent. The love that I have for my Bio-Dad is more than I can describe. Finding him has put me at peace. My only regret is that he is 74 yrs. old and I know that my time with him is limited. I have been to schools and universities all over, but my greatest teacher has been him. By the way, he cannot read or write. because he had to work as a boy and was not allowed to attend school. He is Vanice's hero. Good luck to you and anyone else that reads this.

[debsdone]

Crystal, unfortunately, your b-mother was sick then, and she is still sick now. You have no obligation in this, you learned what you learned and hopefully feel some peace within your circumstances.
Vanice, your story is a good one. But please tread carefully when imposing your personal situation onto other situations, as they are not all the same. Had Crystal gone looking for this woman, knowing what she knew, to "Love and forgive" her, without first finding out if any growth had taken place, well, she would have been in a very bad place. As for "bad" reasons for searching, the truth is never "bad". If we need to know, we need to know. If we intend to set a bomb, that is "bad". But, in our hearts, we want to believe that maybe what we believed wasn't true. Or was true. Maybe people have changed. there is no way to know without trying. Had Crystal's Mom truly changed, her behavior would have been different, and so too would the reunion have been different. The last thing she really needed to hear was that she was "wrong" for searching. Don't you think she has suffered enough? You are lucky to have found a good person at the end of your search. It does not always turn out that way.......Love, Debi