[Meg53181]

I spent my entire life thinking that I was an only child. I have an extremely loving mother and we have always been very close. About a year ago, I found out that my mom had given up a child for adoption. The only reason that I found out about this was because the child had contacted my mother. Since finding out, I have met the woman who I call my sister, and we get along great. This experience has made me very interested in the experiences of others like myself. I have decided to write my senior thesis paper on the effects of reunions on birth siblings. So much has been discussed on the effects reunions have on adoptees, adoptive families, and birth mothers, but there doesn't seem to be that much about the effects reunions might have on the biological siblings. If anybody would be willing to share some or all of their experience with me, I would be very grateful, as the more information I can gather, the more thorough my paper can be, and also, the more beneficial this project will be for me and anybody who reads it. Thank you to anybody who can help me.

~Morgan

My email address is: mgronquist@ups.edu

[cindya09]

Hi Megan.
I found my bmom 2 months ago. We've been in email contact. I met her this past Saturday. I also met 3 out of 4 birth siblings. I met all of my sisters. I am the oldest at 32. I have a 29 ,16 & 14 year old sisters and 1 brother (26). I have been in contact with my two younger sister via Instant message on Yahoo. They were shocked at first to find out about me. But the thought of having another older sister is pretty cool to them now. My sister who is 29 has known that I existed since she was 12. We all get along great and I feel like I have known them my entire life. They excepted me 100%.

If I can give you more information or if you have any questions feel free to email me. cindya09@yahoo.com

I would be interested in getting a copy of your thesis when you are done. I think it would be very interesting.

Cindy

[nicolebrooks]

I'm 28, only child, 2 step dads, and just heard my BF voice for the first time last month. Since our introduction my mother told me she had given her first child up for adoption - it's so crazy to think I have an older sister as well as a half brother and sister from my BF side. I'm extremely overwhelmed and am having a hard time thinking about much except all my blood relatives I know nothing about! I want to find my older sister but haven't yet and wonder if it's my place to do so.
If your still interested I'de be happy to talk about what I'm going through more, let me know.

[kjm69]

Hi Morgan & Everyone,

I am a bmom from 1969 and your post was exactly what I have been looking for!

My adopted daughter found me 2 years ago and things are going well for us, unfortunately I never told my 3 kept children about her. So naturually they were a bit shocked to find out they have a half sister.

A little background: the adopted daughter is 32 married with 2 small children, my kept children are daughter 30, son 25, daughter 21, none are married nor do they have any children.

What I want to find out is how you, as siblings are feeling about your respective situations. Perhaps I can find out what is going through my kept daughter's head since she refuses to talk to me about the situation!

The problem seems to be with the 30 year old. When this all came out in the open the only thing she said was that she was jealous and why didn't I trust them enough to tell them. I know she had a hard time with this in the beginning and I suggested she see a counselor, but she would not go.

She has recently visited her half sister on the west coast (we are on the east coast) and things went very well between them. Although neither one would tell me what they talked about, which is fine. They only thing said was that the 30 year old didn't want this to be an "issue".

My problem is my 30 year old refuses to discuss her half sister or her family with me. Why???? In fact she refuses to discuss the situation at all preferring to ignore it. I have tried to figure out her thinking and feel it is like a two year old who now has to share Mom and Dad. I also think she wants to keep us separate. I other words it's OK for my 32 year old and I and for the 30 and 32 year old to have a relationship, but just not the three of us. Does that make sense?

Well, any and all comments are welcome. Right now I don't mention anything and try not to rock the boat so to speak.

Thanks!
Janet

[nicolebrooks]

Hi Janet - I understand how sometimes rocking the boat is questionable and unbearing at times. I know my mom still doesn't want anyone to know about how she gave up her first daughter, I don't think her parents even know. I don't think she understands that life is lessons and her denial not only affects her but myself as well. I feel our greatest strengths and weakness are explain in our family lines.

Regarding your question, I have two cents to add. I was totally stunned, almost couldn't believe, that my mom has another daughter. It was brought up in our discussion about why she and my BF didn't try to work things out and what specifically made her divorce him. Being an only child I always wanted a sibling so I didn't have to do all the chores, not until my recent connection with my half brother and sister have I felt the love you can get from a sibling. I wish my parents differences didn't keep us from getting to know each other sooner.

I find it hard to believe my mom hasn't tried to look for her, I think she is 36 now, I know my mom would love to hold her and carries a lot of pain regarding the situation. Her "ways" with me are so much more understandable, as well as what she puts herself through. She is constantly into something else other than herself. I think she may be ashamed, she cried when she told me.

My BF said he never contacted me because he didn't want to ruin my life anymore than he already had. So for 28 years I felt he just didn't care and he felt I wanted nothing to do with him. A lot of misconstrued pain - you know?

I'm not certain why your daughter is bitter, but I think you should
should be straight up with her and tell her you know something is bothering her about the situation and wish she would be honest with you. Two wrongs don't make a right. She is right to feel betrayed, but she probably doesn't want to feel funky, so I doubt holding back from her is making anything better.

[kjm69]

Dear Nicole,
Thank you for your insights they were very helpful. You are right I just need to ask her and I totally feel that honest discussion is the best way to clear things up, but I sense she does not want to do that. Perhaps I will have to pursue it now that some time has gone by. In fact I went to her house about a month ago for a "mother-daughter week-end" just the two of us, but there was never a time to talk. I plan to try it again soon (she lives 3 hours away).

I know how your mom feels about not wanting anyone to know. She is ashamed, guilty, and most likely has buried all her emotions concerning your sisters reliquishment. You said she cried when she told you--I cried too when I told my three children. What they don't know is how much I cried after she found me. It's lucky for me I have a very supportive husband. You see I had never dealt with any of it. As I told my daughter I put it away in my "box".

You asked why your mom never tried to find your sister. I think I know why, at least I will give you my own reasons. For me after the first few years I buried all thoughts of her. I went on with my life and I think reasoned that she was given a good home and was no longer mine. They told us then that the records would be sealed forever and no one would ever know. For me I was so tramatized by the stigma of being pregnant at 16, I was terrified that anyone would ever find out my deep dark secret! That's how it was back then. I think the real reason I never searched for her is I didn't want anyone to know I had had a baby in my Senior year of High School!

Perhaps your mom has a different set of ghosts to deal with. I always am amazed to see that women marry the same guy after that--I couldn't have done that. I wonder if she always resented him for not finding a way to help her keep their baby, and that's why the marriage fell apart, but I imagine there were many more issues at hand.

I hope you can show this to your mom and if she would like to get on line and private message me I would be glad to help her sort through some of these feelings.

You spoke of your feelings of being overwhelmed by all the relatives who are now in your life. My adopted daughter had to deal with that too. She knew there would be other people when she searched, but the reality sent her reeling! I remember thinking if she ever did find me I knew I would want to meet her, but it would be just me and her no one else was allowed in!

During our reunion process she at one point was getting scared and wanted to back off from everyone--not me, but all the others. Bf and his 4 kids and etended family my husbands family etc etc. It's a lot! But you see they were all excited to see and know her--she was the lost child. I was amazed that no one cared about my "sin" anymore!

What I would like to tell you Nicole is to be there for your mom. Tell her you love her and hold her. Let her talk if she needs or wants to-and I hope she does. The reason I say this is because we women who went through this really have no one who understands what it feels like. I sincerely hope she tells you her story and the reasons behind it all. It is painful for her, but in the long run she will be better for having told it and begin to heal.

As far as searching for your older sister. I think I would broach the subject with your mom. Tell her you can put her name etc on the sites. Or contact the place where the adoption took place to update her information. If she agrees you need to prepare her for reunion and I would read read read!

About the Bf--yes it's a shame your mom never allowed you to know him, but maybe thought she was doing the best for you. Did you search for him or did he search for you? Does he want to find your older sister?

One last little item on the Bf issue. When I had my little girl in 1969 at the age of 17, I was all alone. Sent off to a maternity home nearby and then to the hospital. After having her I contacted him and asked him to come and see her he would not. I was crushed. So when she found me I immediately contacted him through his mother. After wards I was so jealous that she even wanted to know him! He had no right to my baby! Well a lot of emotions and thinking and I finally realized she had a right to know both of us--it's her inheritance. I also realized how much he was hurt by all of this as well. Besides she looks like him--bummer!!

So much stuff to go through! Well I have really gotten away from my post, but I do thank you for responding and like I said if your mom wants to talk I'm here!

Janet

[mayday]

i was reading your article. i am kinda in the same boat as you.
except i don't even know where my brother's . a very long time
ago i went to the same school with them. but at the time they wanted nothing to do with me because i was part of there past.
they wanted nothing to do with there past. i wish i could find them. but i don't even know to start. i don"t have much money so
that kinda puts a damper in things. also i don't know there new names or if they kept there old ones.
i would appreciate anyone's help on this citutation. i have been looking for my birthmother but no luck there either.

[nicolebrooks]

Thank you so very much for your insight as well, pieces are slowly pulling together.

Regarding your daughter, I can relate to not wanting or initiating disscussion about things that bother me. She is probably a little struck by the secret, it's not a sin, and maybe just a card in the mail with a short note telling her how important she is to you but not trying to discuss the tension at hand.

My older sister is actually from a different man (boy) than my father. Like you, she just simply couldn't handle the scorn of having a child out of wedlock, although her age was not a factor.
I did ask her if I could search and she agreed, so far no luck. I think this site is wonderful but she doesn't want to do anything online, I think it has something to do with my step father, I'm not exactly sure. I'll call her tonight and tell her I love her, thanks.

I've been talking a lot to my BF and his family lately, next week is the big intro. He actually attempted several times to get full custody of me but couldn't handle weekend visits only. Once my mom remarried (I think I was 13mnths) he decided I didn't need him anymore. I've always known my mom's friend worked with or near him. However, it seemed like every time I mentioned or questioned about him she incinuated why would you want to contact him and eventually change the subject. Sad to say, I guess I assumed my curiousity was childish and there wasn't any reason I needed to know him.

I realize now how amazing blood can be. He children are so excited and careful with me. It's pretty neat to see they care, although there are a ton of new inquiries and feeling I'm not used to.

I feel sorry for my BF for carring the weight of losing a child, especially when I would have loved to hear from him sooner.

Thanks again

[kjm69]

Hi Nicole,

I was just wondering if you have met your Bf yet. You said on the 18th it would be next week. If you did--how did it go? How is your mom reacting to your involvement with him?

Janet

[nicolebrooks]

Hi Morgan, Janet, Laurie and all who care to read,

Welp, I did it and I'm home and feel oddly better about myself and bedazzled by the entire experience. I'm still absorbing so bare with while I may seem scattered.

My flight was about 5-6 hours, most of which was spent in deep discussion with a VERY KIND passenger sitting next to me (I'm sure I overwhelmed him, after two bloody Mary’s I exhausted myself to a short cry then nap). Much like this site, it was calming to vent to a total stranger and I hope I didn't drive him crazy, I think he was able to gain insight within himself as well. Interesting he stated he felt my main problem was that I continued to express my situation as if it was my fault and I needed to let go of that feeling. I am coming to terms with accepting my experiences and letting go of my fear of the "uncertain".

After getting off the plane I sat in the bathroom for about an hour and cried, I know what a blubber butt, but it was so hard to be alone and continue moving. I'm not even sure what I was thinking, it just felt right to cry, I think I even whimpered - oh brother. I called my boyfriend and as soon as he offered to come out I felt better, of coarse said no, and put a new make up face with my now green eyes (usually brown).
I ended up renting a car and staying the first night at friend/clients house that lived about an hour away from my pop. I cried a little more and realized it was interfearing with my driving directions (I'm bad enough not crying). Taco Bell helped

My trip and interactions exposed the result of values we as individuals and families develop over time. I think we (year 2003) have an advantage to make both work AND family a priority and cease feeling victim to circumstances. Neither is easy and a spouse and family/best friends support are important. Stability doesn't come from a paycheck or a striving for what we didn't have as children, I think it comes from . . . love of oneself and seeking clarity in the unknown.

Dealing not dwelling. Honest discourse CAN change the way we once thought or felt. Personally, I didn't realize what fear felt like until I was relieved of it (although I still have some stubborn insecurities that I look forward to getting over).


If I could change anything about my situation, it would have been to not worry so much. I freaked myself out, but to some extent I think the freaking allowed me to cry, which I rarely do and a good blubbery cry is sort of a relief.

Soooooo, regarding a few specifics, my BF is rad and I quickly felt a connection to my BS's as well as a friendship to my Step mother.
My Pop is extremely hard on himself and often feels insecure and inferior. His strong side is artistic which (in his day) didn't equate to the value of a career that put food on the table for the family.

It's not that he actually didn't love my mother or want a child; he didn't feel he could ever be good enough. Those feelings mixed with alcohol resulted in immature arguments. This in turn explains why he didn't want to contact me first.

Bottom line is I feel much better about seeing him eye to eye. It was really amazing to see his old pictures, and relate our lives and what we feel and have felt. I'm really looking forward to future visits and being available to support them any way I can. It was really funny to have him intensely stare at me, touch my hair and tear up in excitement that I was actually there. He often said he loved me and how at fault he as well as regretful for not contacting me long ago. He was entirely to apologetic for all the traits (like bad eyesight and emotional/chemical disorder) that I may have gotten from him. It was hard to leave, especially since everyone wanted me to stay longer. I finally had a good cry when I said goodbye. I was scared he may forget me, I blurted that out like a child although his reassurance he wouldn't let that happen was comforting.

There was a point when I questioned the reality of there feelings and like of me. I felt like they were just being soooo nice because they felt sorry for me and/or obligated to do so. Somehow, the following day I casually blurted those feelings out as well and they were quick, shocked, and firm reinstating how much they cared for me. It's still a little bizarre to accept I am part of there family or that we ARE family.

[dkb60]

Ours is an interesting situation. Bdaughter found us a year ago. I am bmom and married to her bfather for more than 20 years. We have 3 children. They are full siblings. It has been an interesting process to watch them get to know each other. As bparents, we have decided to stay out of that aspect of the relationship and let them develop what they want.

You can e-mail me if you have questions.

[nicolebrooks]

Hi DKB60,
I was curious as to why or what you mean by staying out of the relationship? Are you not communicating with your children as well as first?

[dkb60]

No, my husband and I are creating a relationship with our birth daughter. What i mean about letting my kids create their own relationship is that I don't tell them to write to her or talk to her or vise virsa. I am just letting them get to know one another in their own way. I support what ever they want to do. I just don't force it. I know that they will have one another long after I am gone, so they better learn how to relate to each other now.

D.

[Thelma Sisco]

[b] Dear Janet, I read your post about your adopted daughter finding you. And that you didn't tell your other adult children that they had a half sister who was put up for adoption. And now you are wondering why your daughter will not discuss with you her new relationship with her new 1/2 b sister. I think it is because you didn't tell her about having a 1/2 sister that was given up for adoption. And she probable thinks why should she share this info. with you on what her and her 1/2 sister talk about. Because you never shared the info. you had about her sister who was put up for adoption. She feels betrayed by you. I think both of you should go to counceling if you want to improve the relationship you both now have with each other. I was adopted and I couldn't imagine my adopted parents not telling me I was adopted from the very begining when I came to live with them at 13 months old. I would resent them for it. And I think your daughter has some resentment to. Best of luck !

[sjochims]

Im 25 years old. My father left my mother at birth. I never knew much about him other than name and state where he lived 23 years ago. I found him on white pages.com. He openly admitted to fathering me. He told his wife about me, however he didn't tell my three younger siblings.It was hard on them at first, but eventually, it does get better hang in there. The oldest of the three had the most issues, but he is slowly coming around himself.Best of luck to you. don't give up.