[shirleyville]

Last Saturday, I received a very official looking envelope in the mail -- the kind that at first glance can register fear in the hearts of anyone who has ever been served a summons or been called to court. It was from the Attorney General's Office in my state -- and it was marked "CONFIDENTIAL" in what seemed to be very LARGE letters, glaring out at me from the otherwise pristine white envelope.
I knew it wasn't a summons or a supeona.....I knew it was information concerning my appeal, thru a confidential intermediary, to open my adoption records -- but I held the envelope in my hands as if it were something to fear. I was somewhat taken aback by my reaction. I really wasn't expecting it to arrive so quickly. When we filed just one month ago, my intermediary explained that other cases she was working on were backed up at least six months in the State House. At that time, I had mentally curbed my enthusiasm, and went about the business of every day, ordinary living....assuming it would be some time next year when I would again carefully remove my guard and allow myself to become hopeful that my past was about to meet my present.
Without explaination, the appeal to unseal my records and place them in the hands of the intermediary had been pushed through in record time. Today, when the mail comes, my final payment to the intermediary will be on it's way, and by the end of this week, my intermediary will be holding all of the keys to my past in her hands.
She called me Saturday night. It was the first time I had heard her voice since we have been working with one another via e-mail and snail mail. I was surprised to hear her on the other end of the line, but I am so glad she called. Her voice is warm and strong with a wonderful mix of compassion and strength. I realized, as I was talking with her, that this would be the same voice that my birthmother will hear when Lori calls her to share the news that I am happy, healthy and searching. I am thankful it will be her voice, because that voice brought about a sense of immediate comfort and trust in me.....I'm hoping it will be the same for my birthmother.
I've heard so many conflicting reports about the use of a CI...but in my state, it is really the only way to get to the information I need. I just have to trust that this is the right thing for me -- for us. I've spent a long time thinking about how unfair it feels to me that the state of Indiana can take MY money, and then so cavalierly hand over MY precious records to a stranger -- records that I have been denied access to for 38 years. My intermediary can sit and hold the file....pour over every intimate detail of my existance...absorb it....know it backwards and forwards...and I can't. If, at the time of contact, my birtmother denies any contact from me, the records go right back to their drawer in the file, in the State House, and there they will remain -- forever sealed -- and I will be forever denied my information. The same information that in just a few days will be free and released after 38 years of being held in a cold, dark drawer...information that will be entrusted forever in confidentiality, to a stranger. It feels so strange....it almost feels like a part of me has been set free to a world it has never seen -- and perhaps it will remain there without ever touching me......the person it belongs to. It's sort of like saying to an inmate serving a life sentance in prison that on Friday, his heart is being released from prison, but the rest of his body will stay there, behind bars, encarcerated forever.
Now, I wait. Lori explained that once she has the records, it could take anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of weeks, depending on how dificult her search is. I could know next week....or by the end of the month. Without a doubt, I will know something by Christmas. It is almost unfathomable to me that after 37 Christmases without any knowledge of my heritage, I may be able to stand in my house of worship, on the 38th Christmas, holding my little white candle in the dark stillness of the midnight service -- also holding the knowledge of how I came to be. I can't even imagine what that would feel like -- to finally feel like I have joined the "real world" -- to be like everyone else around me, holding thier candles in the darkness -- to know if I am Irish or German (or both) -- to feel as if I was actually BORN, and didn't just appear from thin air into the waiting arms of my adoptive parents.
I am beyond nervous, of course. Part of the intermediary process allows me to write one letter, containing no identifying information, to be presented to my birthmother, if she chooses to accept it. I've written this letter in my mind a million times over the years, but now that there is a chance that she will actually hold my words in her hands, I am suddenly at a loss. I am afraid of saying too much....making assumptions that are inaccurate....or scaring her in some way...but this may very well be my only chance to convey to her what is in my heart.
More than anything, I want her to know that I love her -- that I am a happy, healty secure and stable woman who loves freely, and is loved immensely in return. I have made a differnce in this world, and I was allowed to do so because she cared enough to give me life. She didn't just give ME a gift -- she gave a gift to everyone whose life I touch. I teach pre-school and first grade children theatre arts, and everytime one of those precious little kids wraps their arms around me, grinning from ear to ear because they have taken my teaching and applied it successfully, I think of her, and I realize that these children are learning and growing and achieving personal goals because the woman who gave me life cared enough to place me in the world so I could accomplish God's purpose for creating me. Today, I will attend the funeral of the mother of one of my close friends....I will be there with her to hold her and comfort her and give her the gift of friendship -- something that again woud not be possible without the woman who gave me the chance to BE a friend, and to provide comfort, love and support to others....and be loved and supported in return.
I need so desperately for her to understand that I harbor no resentment or pain, other than the pain I feel in not being able to know her. I want to tell her that it's "okay" and to comfort any of the guilt feelings or pain she has felt over the years.....but maybe that is being presumptive? Maybe she feels nothing, and only wishes to put the whole matter behind her -- maybe she HAS, and I am doing more harm than good by searching for her in some kind of misguided attempt to sooth us both.
Will I scare her if I tell her I love her? Will she understand that I am not looking for more than she can give? I don't expect her to love me or to be a "parent".......I only want to know something about my origins -- to have a small connection and deeper understanding of who I am and where I came from.
I don't want to say the wrong things.......but I feel compelled to say what is in my heart. I've waited 38 years to share who I am and what I have accomplished due to her unselfish and wonderful act of love. I would love to know her -- not so much who she was in 1964, but who she has grown to be and where her life has taken her. I would love to know if I have siblings...she doesn't have to tell them about me, if it is uncomfortable for her -- just knowing they exist would be enough. I have never had brothers and sisters, but have always felt they were "out there" somewhere. I'd love to be able to look at someone and know that they share a biological attachment to me, or similar characteristics and interests. I guess what I seek is pretty basic -- but it may not seem so to her. It may seem invasive and intrusive. Things were very different in 1964, and I know the stigma she may have felt, and that 38 years worth of guilt and shame may make this an impossible thing for her to face. I don't know that anything I say or do can make a difference in how she feels.....but I want to try.
If anyone has advice for me, I would welcome the help or comments. I find comfort in knowing there are so many others like me, here in this "forum" who have either "been there and done that" or who are waiting, just like me.
Thank you for listening.
Sally

[Mihija]

Dear Sally,
Your letter moved me in such a deep and life altering way. I am a birth mom who awaits a time when I may KNOW and see proof, that I made the right decision all those years ago. Your letter gives me hope that instead of resenting me, my child may feel that bond of unconditional love, that I sent with them so long ago.
You write beautifully and if you can say in your letter to her, the things you have shared in this letter, you will be giving her an answer to her 38 year old question. Did I do the right thing for my child? Even if she is not in a place in life where she can respond to you, be assured, that you have given back a great gift, to the one who gave so freely to you.

[shirleyville]

Mihija,
Thank you so much for your kind words! I am thankful that in some way, my words have helped to give you hope. There are so many confusing and multi-faceted ways in which all members of the triad deal with their position in life. I simply choose to follow an open heart in this matter, just as I do with everything in life. It is the only way, as far as I am concerned.
I pray that one day, you will find that the hope I have given you was worth hanging on to, and that your birth child can speak to you with an open heart, full of love.
Best wishes,
Sally

[shirleyville]

Just updating those of you who have read this thread.....
I am still waiting for information. I e-mailed my intermediary today -- although she asked that I wait a couple of weeks. I just want to know if she has the records in her possession! I keep thinking about the fact that somewhere, out there, my information has been set free. I want so badly to see it....to hold the file and absorb every piece of it over and over again.
I have no idea if that time will come......and it's so hard just waiting.
I will keep everyone posted!
Thanks for listening!
Sally

[not by default]

That is a rather unfair law in your state. Have you considered lobbying to get it changed? Only people that it affects, like yourself, stand a chance of making such a change!

Best of luck to you.

[shirleyville]

You are not kidding that it is an unfair law!! It makes me insane....BUT, the ability to do what I am doing -- using an intermediary to act on my behalf -- is NEW to our state, and is the product of many lobbiest's efforts.
For now, this is the latest and greatest. A year ago, I couldn't have even done what I am doing now.
Thanks for your response!
Sally

[GraceLaurel17]

Hi Sally,

I just read your thread- very moving!

I met my birthmom 10 years ago at the age of 18. What an experience. Sheer, utter, complete JOY! I hope to God you'll experience the same. Your birthmom would be fortunate to know you. You seem to be such a beautiful person.

In regards to your first letter, I suggest that you keep the wording fairly neutral. (Even though I loved and was DYING to meet my b-Mom, I found her first contact with me a bit overwhelming). Be kind, gracious and polite, but perhaps rather than gushing I Love Yous say, "I would love the opportunity to one day meet with you, to discuss similarities, health issues, etc...". It's a little less presumptive and would give her a little bit of breathing room -if she needs it. It has been my experience that it's best to be cool at first, then let a relationship grow from there...slowly. That way, things are a little less scary for everyone involved. Of course, if or when you finally meet, and she obviously feels as strongly as you do, you don't have to reign it in.

I'll be thinking about you, and sending you both my warmest wishes over the next few weeks. Please keep us posted.

[tuppermom]

What state are you in? I am on OH and it is absolutely horrendous what we have to go through here. All of the records are in Columbus on microfishe and only certain people are aloowed in there now. It costs a lot to hire the right person to do it for you. I am glad you are finally going to get the information you need. I would love to have that happen here!!

Kristi

[shirleyville]

I am in Indiana.....so we are neighbors!!
The Intermediary Program is a wonderful thing...but it's frustrating the you-know-what out of me at present.
Patience is not one of my virtues, and I feel at the mercy of someone else. Once my records were unsealed and handed over to the intermediary, I wanted every waking moment to be spent on locating my birthmom.....but, she has a day job, a couple of kids, holiday stuff to deal with and two other cases besides mine to work on..........
I talked to her tonight, and she said even if she is able to locate my birthmom in the next few days, she will not make an attempt at contact until after the first of the year so as not to "ruin" my birthmother's holidays. I understand -- I really do -- and I know that we want everything to be "optimal" if we want her to agree to contact.....but a part of me wanted to say, "what about MY holidays?" Ya know?
Waiting is, indeed, the hardest part!
Hugs,
Sally

[tuppermom]

Yes, I say what ABOUT your holidays??!! It is TOTALLY feasable that your bmother will be OVERJOYED about it!! AND, she could at least contact her. I would say wait unitil after the first of the year to meet, but if your bmother wanted to, then you could!! I would ask her to contact her if she finds her no matter what. Good luck deary!!

[mollybm]

Sally,

I just read your post and was so very moved. I am a birthmother from Texas and living in Indiana waiting for contact from my birthdaughter. I know how you feel. I too had to write a letter with non identify information and had to send a current picture. It was one of the hardest things for me to do, even though I have written I don't know how many letters in my head. She should have received the week of her 21st birthday. I am going through the agency that I placed with and so far nothing has been sent back from her. I too was hoping for some sort of contact by Christmas but it has not come. I sit here and wait for her. I send you my strength and support and hope that this year brings you all of the best for you.

Molly in Indiana

[shirleyville]

I am REALLY down today, and your post made me smile! Thank you!
My CI e-mailed me yesterday and told me that she found my birthmother!!! She said she had been calling all day, but no one was answering. She said she would keep trying until about 9:00 last night, and then resume again this morning. I was SO nervous and excited.....I really can't describe to you all of the things I was thinking and feeling --- I seemed to waffle somewhere between sheer terror and complete elation.....so much so, that I packed up my stuff and went to my friends house for the night, just to have the distraction factor of her precious little three-year-old, and a hand to hold on to when "the call" came.
This morning, when we got up, I checked my e-mail....nothing. Just before I left at 11:00, there was an e-mail from my CI....my heart lept into my throat.......I opened it. It had one line.
"She moved -- no forwarding address, no forwarding phone number -- I'll start over. Sorry."
I really haven't absorbed it all yet, I don't think. It's taken her two months to find this address and phone number.
I have to wonder what sort of "situation" this was.....if the phone number was the same, and hadn't been changed from the time that she moved (which apparently was quite recent), why would a new "homeowner" continue to keep the same phone number? My thoughts would be that the person still residing there would have had some kind of "relationship" or "coonection" to her??? Or even WORSE...what if it WAS my birthmother, and she just said that to "evade" my CI????
I have NO idea what in the world to think, now???
Wish I knew.......
Thanks for the smiles!
Sally

[jkd55]

Dear Sally,
I found these message forums about five weeks ago quite by accident and have been following your story ever since. My first reaction to the new development is that your CI is not as experienced as I would hope for you. It should not have taken her that long to get a phone number if in fact the number was in your birthmothers name. I would have to wonder how hard she is truly trying. You also posted a message in this same thread on 12/12, saying the CI was going to wait until after the holidays so that she didn't "ruin" your birthmothers holiday. I am a birthmother who has just realized her daughter is searching. MY first reaction was that I would not contact her until after the holidays because I didn't want to ruin them for her and her family. How sad that we are all so concerned about "ruining" things when it might be joyous.

A new homeowner or renter would not keep the same phone number. Even if she were in a roommate situation, most people would contact the utilities to have the name changed. I would tend to agree with you that whomever answered the phone had a "relationship" with her.

Isn't there anyway to go around this woman? You also mentioned that you were going to write a first contact letter for presentation to your birthmother. I am sorry if this is too personal, but have you been able to do so? I have the ability to contact my daughter via email but so far not the courage. I have no idea what to say.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and will continue to follow your story but again I ask, isn't there anyway to circumvent the CI?

[shirleyville]

JKD,
Yes, I wrote the letter....it is posted in this forum SOMEWHERE...I forget where, tho! LOL It's in one of the birthmother's forums. If you can't find it, I will be happy to reprint it here....
As far as "circumventing" the CI......of course I COULD -- however it is against the contract that I signed with the state when they appointed the CI, and if, by the off chance, the information I received from my husband, via my a-father, as far as her name goes, is INCORRECT....and the state or my intermedairy finds out that I have conducted ANY kind of searching on my own, they will slam shut my file and send it right back to the file drawer, flagged forever "NO CONTACT". It's an awfully hard decision to make....if I was 100% sure that I had the right information, I might be inclined to just forge ahead on my own.........but if I am wrong, the CI is my only chance to ever find my birthfamily.
I have no idea what to think at this point....I am actually sort of "numb".
I hope you can find the courage to contact your daughter...............my heartfelt prayers are with you!
Hugs,
Sally