Adoption Forums®

Members List Photos Events Local Adoption Support Search Arcade Reviews Membership Upgrade
Welcome to the Forums.
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.
Forum Categories

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 01-17-2013, 03:25 PM
rebam33 rebam33 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Total Points: 1,369.45
Donate
We think we found her... help?

Recently my fiance and I decided that we'd like to find his birth mother. We want to start a family eventually and would really like to know his heritage and medical records. He says that he wants to know why she gave him up and to know who she is, but he doesn't seem to care much beyond that.

We searched both on here (adoption.com) and at adopted.com, both turned up the same person, all the information matches. There was also only one match. We talked to his a.mom and she said she'd help us with the next couple steps. I'm so glad that she isn't hurt by the fact that we want to know this other woman and will be there for us each step of the way.

Now here's the part I need help on... we have no idea what to do now. She had registered at those places about four years ago, will she still want to find him? I've found her FB and done a decent amount of stalking, looking at her daughters is terrifying because they look just like my fiance. We aren't positive this is the woman so we don't know how to verify it. They tried to find her years ago for medical reasons but couldn't...

I'm super emotional right now and he seems excited in someways, but mostly indifferent. I wonder if it is just a lot to take in so he's processing or if it is because he's known his whole life and had given up so now he doesn't know how to feel. I don't want to pressure him too much, but I wanted to find out from some people experiencing what he is what I can do to help. If this is indeed the woman who gave birth to him, should I be there when he meets her? Is this something he needs to move forward with alone? I just don't know how I'm supposed to help. Any one have advice?
Reply With Quote
Adoption Reunion Information
Our reunion registry can aid your search for your birth family. Premium memberships available, offering benefits like:
  • Automatic searching
  • See who's viewed your profile
  • Higher message limit
  • Copy of Search & Reunion E-book ($19.95 value)
  • Just $9.99 / yr!
We'll Search for You!
New Jersey
Click here to visit Adoption.com Registry
Don't miss out on finding your match at Adoption.com's Registry. For just $9.99 per year we will do the searching for you. Receive notifications automatically. Plus...find out who is searching for you!
Adoption.com Registry
 

  #2  
Old 01-17-2013, 04:36 PM
leight leight is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Posts: 191
Total Points: 4,917.36
Donate
On both sites you found her info- does it list a contact email??

Have your fiance write a letter that he can send - but at the same time he should be contacting the state or agency to register. that way he can tell her upon contact that they can both register and have the powers that be look at the legal docs and confirm the match.
What state/agency?
__________________
Leigh
adoptee-reunited 20 years
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 01-17-2013, 05:05 PM
RavenSong's Avatar
RavenSong RavenSong is offline
Senior Member

Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 5,225
Total Points: 190,671.19
Donate
Send her a message through Facebook, and ask her if your fiance's date of birth holds a special meaning for her. Tell her that you think she may be a special person you've been looking for. You may want to send a friend request at the same time because FB usually puts messages from non-friends into the "Other" message folder, and people usually don't check it. (In fact, I told my brother this just the other day, and when he checked his "Other" folder, he found literally hundreds of unread messages from the past couple years.)
__________________
~~Raven~~

What does not kill me, makes me stronger. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols, 1888, German Philosopher (1844-1900)

Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 01-23-2013, 01:48 PM
rebam33 rebam33 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Total Points: 1,369.45
Donate
There was no contact info on either of the listings, I found her FB through chance and the fact that she (and we) all still live in the same town.

There was an attorney listed, but no adoption agency, I do not have all of the facts but I'm pretty sure the adoption happened about 3 days after he was born. The story I have is that he was left at the hospital so I'm not sure how exactly it will all work.

Since finding this information he hasn't made any effort to talk to his a.mom even though she said she'd help us. I think he may be having second thoughts or it really just isn't a priority to him. I'm not even sure if I should bring it up to him or just let him set it aside. He is the type of guy who if I don't remind him of things he forgets to do them. Not that he doesn't want to do them, he just forgets because he has so many other things going on. I just don't understand how something this big would fit into the category of things that get forgotten unless he doesn't want to move forward.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to push him because it is his decision, but I don't want him to forget about it either. Any advice on the step BEFORE writing a letter?
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:48 AM
JavaMonkey JavaMonkey is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 32
Total Points: 3,493.00
Donate
I have a lot of advice. Take it for what it's worth... from a guy who is in reunion with his birth mother.

1. Remember this is your husband's search. He can only do this when HE is ready.

2. Getting his a-mom involved early puts your husband in a bad spot. Loyalty keeps many of us from searching. We don't want our a-parents to feel we are disloyal, that we don't love them or appreciate what they have done for us. Since they now know every move, your husband will have trouble doing anything further in the search.

3. Slow down. If you are hurrying because you are eager to start your family, take a hard look at the natural sisters, then go for it. But, get a test for cystic fibrosis and other birth defects first.

4. Find a good adoption support group before making contact. I did, and it made a world of difference for me.

5. Once your husband is ready, he needs to do some homework. There are many good books on adoption and reunion experience. I recommend Primal Wound, Being Adopted - The Life Long Search For Self, and The Girls Who Went Away. There are many others, too. Your husband needs to get a handle on how he feels, and some perspective on how his birth mother might feel, in order to prepare for this reunion.

6. I have to say, the story of being left in a hospital does not jive with the adoption being done by a private attorney. Step back and think about it for a minute. Babies that are abandoned in hospitals are picked up by dfacs. They go into foster care then eventually they are adopted after months of legal procedures. They don't go to a lawyer's office after three days. There is more to this story. Your husband needs to go in prepared to hear something he isn't expecting.

7. Although I said to slow down, that doesn't mean wait forever. Your husband needs time to prepare, and time to make that first move only when he decides he is ready. However, he should not wait too long because none of us know how much time we have left. When I searched (38yrs old), I found my b-father had passed away only months before.

In summary, this is HIS search, and he needs to do it when HE is ready. Being torn between you, his a-mom, and his b-mom is just too much. Give him the information and let him do what he wants.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-24-2013, 05:05 AM
JavaMonkey JavaMonkey is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 32
Total Points: 3,493.00
Donate
Also, I can guarantee he is not forgetting this. Don't ask him if he needs space. Just give it to him.

... and not one word to his a-mom until he decides there is something to tell her.
__________________
Time heals all wounds is a lie, I believe.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-26-2013, 08:06 AM
rebam33 rebam33 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Total Points: 1,369.45
Donate
Thanks for the advice, just to be clear about a couple things:
-I haven't said a word to him about finding or contacting anyone since the day we found the information, that is why I came here. This is new territory for me so I just kinda wanted some tips on how to handle it. I know it is his life and his choice and he'll talk to me about it if/when he is ready.
-HE told his a.mom, not me. I haven't spoken to her about it at all.
-For him being left at the hospital I left out a couple details that I didn't think were very important but I guess could be: His a.mom worked at the hospital and was having trouble having a baby and was told a baby was left, I don't know the exact details of that but that is why he didn't go into the system.
-The only thing he has said about meeting her is that he wishes he could meet her without her knowing that it was him before he "meets" her for real.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-26-2013, 07:13 PM
kakuehl's Avatar
kakuehl kakuehl is offline
Birth mom in reunion

Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,248
Total Points: 70,166,415,213,585.31
Donate
You asked if the bmom would still want to find him; I suppose she may have changed her mind, but most likely she is still interested. I tried off and on for years before I found my bson. Even when I wasn't actively looking, I was hoping he'd find me.
__________________
Blessings!
Kathy,



Birth mom to D (10/4/72)
Mom to J(7/6/76) and S (7/26/78)
Nana to: D's S, I, Z, A; J's R,B,J1, J2, M, M2, C, N ; S's AJ and E


"Weeping may linger for the night,
but joy comes with the morning." (Psalm 30:5)

Click hereTo read my story
Reply With Quote

  #9  
Old 01-28-2013, 02:35 AM
murphymalone murphymalone is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,043
Total Points: 35,119.76
Donate
The possible outcomes are endless. Delving into your search is something that should not be taken lightly.

If you love him; let him propel this search the way he sees fit. He needs to be completely ready for any outcome.

If he isn't driven to search don't push him. Let him come to terms with the information you have and when he's ready he will take it on.

If he is feeling pressured and things go down the wrong path there is a huge amount of pain and anxiety that may come of it. There is a measure of resentment that may come up if he finds himself pushed into a point of no return.

I went into my search with what I thought was a pretty good perspective. I found both my parents. All went well for quite some time and then the bottom fell out.

The angst and rejection that resulted is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am not saying this to persuade anyone not to search.

It was worth it to me to find out what I needed to know. But I did it for me; no one else and with no one pushing me.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 02-13-2013, 09:45 AM
rebam33 rebam33 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4
Total Points: 1,369.45
Donate
Update: I think he has decided not to pursue this information. His a.mom gave him the name of a person to talk to to move forward (he didn't elaborate on if it was someone connected with the adoption or an attorney etc). He said it would probably cost money which he said he doesn't want to spend so I guess that is the end of it.

Thanks for the tips from everyone, if he changes his mind some day they will come in handy and if not, well at least I'm informed now.
Reply With Quote
Reply

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Points Per Thread View: 1.00
Points Per Thread: 15.00
Points Per Reply: 5.00


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:38 PM.