[my3tjc]

After 30 plus years of searching, I found my Bmom last week. I've since learned that the email I sent to confirm that I had the right person may have been in bad form. However, she did respond right away, and her response was very emotional. I replied to her response the same day, and tried to keep things light. I gave her a few details about my current life and didn't really say much about my childhood. I figured that was information that should be talked about in person. I also suggested that we email and swap pictures and then maybe talk on the phone. We live on opposite sides of the country, so meeting right away isn't really a possibility.
Since I sent that email, she has gone quiet. I haven't heard anything from her in a few days. I understand that birthmoms generally need more time to adjust. However, I'm terrifiied that my email has scared her away. I wonder if I wrote something offensive or turned her off.
Do I just wait now? And for how long? Would it be wrong to write to her again with a reassuring "I'm here and will wait until you are ready" type message?
I can't believe how disrupting this is to my concentration and ability to function.

Any suggestions?

[alys1]

Wait a month at least, I'd think. If you heard out of the blue and it surprised you, you might need that much time. If you have any concern that "there were too many replies too quickly", then just wait. That shows you can.

[JustPeachy]

I don't think you said anything to offend her. It sounds like you were appropriate in your conversation. I do know that the emotions run very high when contact is first made. I was in a semi-OA with my son and his family, and even having that contact all those years did not prepare me for actual reunion. When my son provided me with his identifying information, I was completely blindsided with emotions I didn't even know I had! It really took me aback and overwhelmed me. I think my son, too, was overwhelmed, and despite expressing an interest in opening things up, it took several more years before we finally started communicating directly. We met for the first time last year.

I cannot imagine how much more intense it would have been for me if I had no contact with my son and then I heard from him. It is so hard to explain the emotions that come along with this. I know it causes a lot of worry/fear when you don't hear from the other person in reunion, espeically when it is early and a foundation has not yet been established, but I would not automatically assume the worst. Your birth mother will need time to process the emotions that come up, and also be aware that you, too, may have unexpected emotions come up. It's best to take the time needed to process these feelings before they become so overwhelming. Ideally, she would tell you she got hit with some hard emotions, but not everyone can explain emotions very well, espeically when they are in the midst of them. I think a month would be a good time to let things rest. See if she comes around in that time. If not, I would send another note just letting her know that your door is open. When my son and I finally spoke for the first time, we both agreed that we would go at whatever pace was comfortable for each other. We've been pretty much on the same page with things, but even after over a year of direct communication, it's not always easy knowing what he's really thinking or if I'm connecting too much or too little with him. Unfortunately, there is no "social template" for this type of relationship. You just have to muddle through it as best as you can. In the meantime, I would recommend reading up as much as possible on reunion, and learning from others who have been through it. Is there a triad support group in your area? That has been very helpful to me.

Good luck with everything! I hope you hear from your birth mother soon.

[lostmother2012]

I don't think you have said anything wrong. Judging from what you wrote your mother is one from the more older generation when mothers who surrendered were expected to forget about their child and get on with their lives. This will be a very emotional time for her and try not to worry about her taking time to respond.

I was 42 when my son and I reunited (now 50) - his was a closed adoption - and it completely bowled me over. I had been expected to get on with my life and forget about my son. So I bottled everything up. When we reunited the door was unlocked to my buried emotions and it took months for these to settle. Give it a bit more time then send her a 'light, chatty' email.

[murphymalone]

You say that she responded right away and her reply was very emotional. Maybe she is feeling the same way. Maybe she's feeling exposed and wondering if she should have let all that emotion out. Who knows maybe their are siblings she has to tell a secret she has held for years or other family members that she has to tell. I would reassure her. What about sending flowers with a card that says "I'm thinking of you"?

[1956CheverlyAdoptee]

1at congratulations If you have been searching for 30 yrs than I imagine that your b mom might be pushing 70 then right? As a reunited adoptee (19yrs) and b mom, I can only say that in spite of doing the searching for my son and being the one to make contact, I was NOT prepared for the emotions. I cried for a month after just discovering his name and where he was. Took me that long to get a letter out to him too. Don't panic. She probably doesn't even realize that you are waiting on pins and needles for a response. You don't mention if she said you were still a secret from her family as most of us of that era are. She very well might be trying to get up the courage to tell them about YOU before moving forward with you. I think a little reassuring note saying you realize that this might be somewhat overwhelming for her and that you are understanding and willing to give her all the time she needs is not a bad idea so she doesn't feel bad or guilty about making you wait. Follow YOUR heart. You already know that she is happy to have been found right?

Originally Posted by my3tjc

After 30 plus years of searching, I found my Bmom last week. I've since learned that the email I sent to confirm that I had the right person may have been in bad form. However, she did respond right away, and her response was very emotional. I replied to her response the same day, and tried to keep things light. I gave her a few details about my current life and didn't really say much about my childhood. I figured that was information that should be talked about in person. I also suggested that we email and swap pictures and then maybe talk on the phone. We live on opposite sides of the country, so meeting right away isn't really a possibility.
Since I sent that email, she has gone quiet. I haven't heard anything from her in a few days. I understand that birthmoms generally need more time to adjust. However, I'm terrifiied that my email has scared her away. I wonder if I wrote something offensive or turned her off.
Do I just wait now? And for how long? Would it be wrong to write to her again with a reassuring "I'm here and will wait until you are ready" type message?
I can't believe how disrupting this is to my concentration and ability to function.

Any suggestions?

[MamaGina]

Try to avoid the self-talk and second-guessing. It will consume you, if you let it. There is no right or wrong way to proceed. We can read the experiences of others here on this forum and elsewhere; but ultimately, we each have to feel our way through. Follow your heart and be gentle. As you put head to pillow at night, ask for answers. They will come. Savor every moment of this reunion, as it is an experience like no other you will have in life.

[dezertwoman]

Hi. I am a birthmom who searched 42 years for my child. Never give up!!!! Do not let time pass as we are human. There are many circumstances that adoptees and birth parents may not know: My child was abducted by a baby broker attorney in Anchorage AK in 1969. She had enough influence to sell the babies she took. She preyed on poor, single mothers, got their signatures then transposed to adoption papers. My Son did not know where to look and the adoptive mother could not qualify to adopt through a credible agency. She lied to him to keep him from finding me. I never gave up and we have been re-united. Remember, what goes through your mind also affects your B-Mom. Contact her again. Give her your phone number. Do everything possible to establish contact, even if the end result may be that she may not respond back....at least you know you have tried. Has your adoptive parents been honest or are there holes you cannot fill in? Do not give up! To wait is wrong advice as it could end up without positive results to take that point of view. Please contact me if you feel like it. I can give you pointers through my experience in finding my Son! M

[BWilder]

I think a short period of non-activity is OK, but I'd not wait too awfully long for several reasons. One being, she may fear that YOU gave up, and she then becomes afraid to respond. Two, depending on her age and health, you don't want to wait too long in the event she becomes too ill to repsond.

When I found my daughter, it was a while before I was given the okay to get in touch with her. There was a clause in the adoption contract, apparently, that should the birthparent(s) find the child and a reunion was wanted, the child and adoptive family HAD to go through psychiatric counseling before full blown contact was allowed. So, it may be that your b/mom is in the process of doing just that. She may not be inactive at all! I realize not all adoptions have the counseling clause, but I'd imagine a good many of them do because of the extreme emotions that are felt with these cases.

I found my daughter, and I thought I was more than prepared for our first contact, which was by phone. How I did not expect the extreme explosion of emotions I felt when I heard her voice for the first time. There are so many things to take into consideration, and until you've been there, you don't even realize the extent of what all is involved...especially if it was a closed adoption, as mine was.

Give her, and yourself, time to come to grips, but don't wait too long. You posted this toward the end of last month. Give it another week, perhaps, then send her just a quick e-mail letting her know you're thinking of her, that YOU LOVE HER, and that you understand this may have been a bit of a shock to her, and that you will wait for as long as she needs. If after a while, you still hear nothing, you may need to let her know that you realize she may not wish to have communication with you, and while it will be hard, you will respect her wishes.
Much good luck, and I hope things turn out where you and she have a wonderful relationship ahead of you!!!

Blessings.

[dezertwoman]

BWilder, you had the best advice. We are in a world today that no one wants to be the first to show emotion for fear we will be rejected. If rejection or ignoring is the case it will happen anyway, so emotion and continuing to try for a reunion is ok. In 1969 I needed an attorney to file for back child support from the Dad that had started another family somewhere else. I was struggling to keep us fed and warm. I did not know that this attorney used her "officer of the Court" position and friends in the law enforcement/judicial system to steal children from parents in my situtation, then sell them to people who were less than qualified to have children. In 2005 internet information available became a good source to find anyone. In 2010 I had a list of 45 names, not knowing at that time this adoptive parent kept my Son's name. May of 2011 I had a list of 30 names and realization that I was close to finding my Son. Emotions were high, I was crying a lot. I had to keep in mind that the most important fact was that my Son was alive and well......30 names were reduced to five because of eye color and race. One name always remained on that list. December 20, 2011 I knew who my Son was. He was alive! I then got an intermediary with experience for first contact. December 27 I heard my Son's voice for the first time.....he said, "hi Mom"....he had been raised by a woman that had a gene she passed to her two bio children of varying degrees of brain impairment including retardation. She herself had mental problems. This attorney is dead now but she sold many children to people like this. My Son was lucky to have lived. He had no idea where or how to look but wanted to find me.

Since first contact, I hear from him about twice a month. Adoptees that want to know their parents need to know that there are many circumstances involving them being an adoptee. Most B-Parents do want to know their child. Alas, some do not and some adoptees have been lied to so much that their views are terribly slanted. Keep trying to re-unite. Please never give up as there are many different reasons a child has been adopted. My Son now knows what happened and how the legal system can cover such obtrosities. In my case the adoptive mother has taken a very nasty, street gutter attitude. I will not respond to her unless she continues to strike. Remember, most adoptive parents will lie to keep contact from happening. Remember that you as an adoptee love your adoptive parents because they have raised you.....in some situations, though, like mine, the love is more of a guilt trip feeling than love. My Son was abducted and sold in 1969 for $5000, plus I had to pay this horrible attorney another $300 to do the paperwork she used to take my child.

Keep trying. Both the birth parents and the adoptee have many thoughts pouring from emotions all at once...give contact information. It will not hurt you. Exercise normal caution for ID protection but otherwise try to be open.....sometimes you have to speak up and say, do you want me or can you accept me back in your life......this goes for both the parent and the adoptee.

[dezertwoman]

BWilder, you had the best advice. We are in a world today that no one wants to be the first to show emotion for fear we will be rejected. If rejection or ignoring is the case it will happen anyway, so emotion and continuing to try for a reunion is ok. In 1969 I needed an attorney to file for back child support from the Dad that had started another family somewhere else. I was struggling to keep us fed and warm. I did not know that this attorney used her "officer of the Court" position and friends in the law enforcement/judicial system to steal children from parents in my situtation, then sell them to people who were less than qualified to have children. In 2005 internet information available became a good source to find anyone. In 2010 I had a list of 45 names, not knowing at that time this adoptive parent kept my Son's name. May of 2011 I had a list of 30 names and realization that I was close to finding my Son. Emotions were high, I was crying a lot. I had to keep in mind that the most important fact was that my Son was alive and well......30 names were reduced to five because of eye color and race. One name always remained on that list. December 20, 2011 I knew who my Son was. He was alive! I then got an intermediary with experience for first contact. December 27 I heard my Son's voice for the first time.....he said, "hi Mom"....he had been raised by a woman that had a gene she passed to her two bio children of varying degrees of brain impairment including retardation. She herself had mental problems. This attorney is dead now but she sold many children to people like this. My Son was lucky to have lived. He had no idea where or how to look but wanted to find me.

Since first contact, I hear from him about twice a month. Adoptees that want to know their parents need to know that there are many circumstances involving them being an adoptee. Most B-Parents do want to know their child. Alas, some do not and some adoptees have been lied to so much that their views are terribly slanted. Keep trying to re-unite. Please never give up as there are many different reasons a child has been adopted. My Son now knows what happened and how the legal system can cover such obtrosities. In my case the adoptive mother has taken a very nasty, street gutter attitude. I will not respond to her unless she continues to strike. Remember, most adoptive parents will lie to keep contact from happening. Remember that you as an adoptee love your adoptive parents because they have raised you.....in some situations, though, like mine, the love is more of a guilt trip feeling than love. My Son was abducted and sold in 1969 for $5000, plus I had to pay this horrible attorney another $300 to do the paperwork she used to take my child.

Keep trying. Both the birth parents and the adoptee have many thoughts pouring from emotions all at once...give contact information. It will not hurt you. Exercise normal caution for ID protection but otherwise try to be open.....sometimes you have to speak up and say, do you want me or can you accept me back in your life......this goes for both the parent and the adoptee.

[Mandie moo]

Since I sent that email, she has gone quiet. I haven't heard anything from her in a few days.

Hi
I would like to tell you that when I first had contact, the past emotional trauma of loss,grief,pain even anger that was silenced within me for over thirty years, set me back to my eighteenth year, I had to keep my emotions, under control in our letters and emails. As we increased our communication I found that if I spoke too happy or with a bit of familiarity,she would start to sound annoyed,mood swings I thought. We met six yrs ago, so far I have been given two visits.
I am very happy that she is doing well,is safe,and successful. I sometimes think that we could have had a very good friendship these past few years. I believe the key to a successful reunion is kindness,clean and honest communication. The mistake is second guessing one another and wasting precious time. I would say a week is long enough time before sending your found mother a letter or card, it would be ok to tell her that every day seems like weeks, she may understand. Good luck
mandie

[MamaGina]

Originally Posted by dezertwoman

Remember, most adoptive parents will lie to keep contact from happening.

I wonder if this is true . . .

[BWilder]

MamaGina, I think the ones who have kept the adoption a secret for the child's entire life may be this way, but those who have been open and honest with the child from the beginning....I don't think this would be the case. As in the case with my daughter's adoptive parents, they told her from the time she was old enough to understand, that she was adopted, but that her birthmother loved her enough to want her to have a good life, and that I did not give her up because I didn't want her. For that, I will be forever grateful. I realize this is not a common practice, but I have to believe it's common enough that not all...or even most...adoptive parents will lie to keep a reunion from happening. I'm sure many will make their feelings known, that they fear the birthparent and what that b/parent may attempt to do, but I really don't think even that is the 'norm'. I think that, like any parent, they want their child to be happy, and to go into adulthood knowing who they are...with no questions to hinder their emotional, spiritual and mental growth. So, I sincerely hope that 'most adoptive parents' do NOT lie to keep a reunion from happening.

[dezertwoman]

In my work of helping B Moms and Adoptees finding each other, out of 20 cases, 18 adoptees were unknowledgable as to any information of B parents and 12 of the 18 were not told they were adopted. I help others because I know how much pain there is in these situations. Of course, there is honesty in a lot of other cases. I have experienced the major concern that the adoptive parents in my cases state as to why they lied; that is they are very afraid they will lose their child. There have been 2 adoptive parents that have been outright uncooperative out of the 18 cases. I will help anyone I can to find their roots. I am one of those that spent 20 years searching for who I was; for even my very existence concerning social security records. It can be a very numbing experience to those of us that are kept in the dark. My mother was my natural mother who kept secrets to her death. Why? Who knows.