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Old 03-08-2012, 11:14 AM
BWilder BWilder is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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dezertwoman, I think the fear of rejection is one every person faces, to a degree, and I, too, have found that in many cases (I've helped reunite b/parents and adoptees in the past), the adoptive parents will fudge on the truth. All for various reasons. Some think they are protecting the child from a mother/father who didn't want them, which isn't always the case, some are protecting themselves from a possible hurt. In my and my daughter's situation...she'd known very early on that she was adopted, and she did use that, on ocassion. "You're not my real Mom, so I don't have to do what you say" kind of thing. Not those exact words, but you get what I mean. I can see why some adoptive parents would prefer not to get stabbed with those kinds of statements and wouldn't tell their kids they're adopted. Those kinds of statements are one reason my daughter's adoptive Mom doesn't much care for me.....she sees me, almost, as the enemy. But, not only for that reason. OUR daughter loves her very, very much, and I'd be highly disappointed in her if she didn't. The way I look at it, and I've told her adoptive mother this....SHE is D's Mom....I'm nothing more than her Mother. ANYONE (well, almost) can be a mother, but not everyone can be a Mom. I've done all in my power to put this woman at ease, but even after almost 18 years, I am still the enemy, so, I am polite if we happen to be in the same general area (which is rare..they live about 250-300 miles from me)and I compliment her on how she and her husband raised D.
On the other side of this coin, birthparents can also lie....and do. I had a situation where a b/dad was looking for a son. It took me quite a while to find enough information to help this man find the son he so desperately wanted to get to know. I was told that he'd found out about the child after the fact, and that had he known about the child, he would have taken him and not allowed the b/mom to place their son for adoption. He wanted his son to know he loved him, and was looking for him, wanted to get to know him and have a relationship....etc, etc, etc. Further down the road, I found out the man was looking for someone to 'keep him up'. He was not interested in a relationship like you or I think of....he was wanting someone to go live with, someone to pay his bills, do his bidding, etc. So, we can't lay the lying game blame at just the doorstep of some of the adoptive's also laid at the doorstep of some birthparents, too. The son, I think, bascially told his b/dad where to go, once he realized what was going on. He did not blame me for the incident..he knew I'd been duped, too.
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Old 03-09-2012, 08:55 AM
dezertwoman dezertwoman is offline
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Great response from BWilder

I agree with most of what you say! The cases I have worked on are more severe and in the last several years I have come in contact with family that the child was abducted by Officers of the Court and agencies using the Court System.....these cases carry a lot of emotion in the fact that these babies do not know where to look or how. It seems I find these cases! This is a good thing though as these children (that lived) are emotionally at loss as to what to think.

I hope that all of us can help someone find their child or the adoptee find their parents. (This is my case scenerio.) is one of the best sites to look and search.

Thank you for sharing. I went to an attorney in Anchorage (similar to the Georgia Tann MO) in 1969. This attorney sold many babies, my Son was one of them. His adoptive mother refused to tell him anything except that he was part Eskimo and his Mother was a drunk and abuser who did not want him. This adoptive mother told him that CPS was involved. At first I suspected the adoptive Mother did not know and she was also a victim of this attorney's lies....Upon digging and investigation we found a net of lies and deceit of both this attorney and the adoptive mother. She did know that my Son was a "sale". She also bought another baby 4 months later from the same attorney. It gets deeper and there was abuse. She did use an alias name when adopting and forged documents with her husband's name. He died in 1993.

The most important point here, though, is that my Son lived and is healthy. Our bond is getting stronger. He also knows what his adoptive mother did. Still, he was raised by her and he feels certain obligation to her. This is normal and I do not dwell on this.

Now I am working on another case of a natural child trying to find who he is. He is hoping that someday he will find his bio-Dad. He does have some mental disability. We came in contact because his natural Mother is the same person that adopted my Son! I have helped him in locating where to get a copy of his
original birth certificate. We have established that "Mom" used the same alias name to cause her current husband to become the legal Father through adoption.....same attorney. He divorced this woman 2 years later! Shades of Georgia Tann.

I am offering to help in any way I can to unite children with their bio parents.
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Old 03-14-2012, 07:01 AM
livestrong1204 livestrong1204 is offline
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I completely can relate to your situation. I contacted my birthmom, she was so happy when she received the letter from me. We sat down and met. Everything was great, she did not show one sign of not wanting to do this, then she disappeared.
It has been 1 year since we connected and met and I've still not heard from her. I thought I did something wrong or said something wrong. I reached out by phone, email, txt, everything- no response.
The only thing I can say is that no one in my birthmom's family knew she was pregnant and had me. I think that has most of the weight for why we are not in contact. For 25 years she had buried the fact that she had me, I was living a life and she figured I would never find her. I came back and she was excited to know me, then realized how her secret would affect the rest of her family.
Do you know if your birthmom has any other kids? Do you know if she ever told anyone?

PLEASE KNOW- this is not your fault. You did not say or do anything to keep her from responding to you. This is all her. I would say to give her time to let her grieve, i know the emotions that are hitting her. I think the best think you can do is just tell her, you will be ready and open when she is ready. If you are willing to wait, she will come to you, even if it is 3 or 6 years later.

I have faith my birth mom will reach out when she is ready and I have to respect that.
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Old 03-22-2012, 06:32 AM
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Mandie moo Mandie moo is offline
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[quote=livestrong1204]I completely can relate to your situation. I contacted my birthmom, she was so happy when she received the letter from me. We sat down and met. Everything was great, she did not show one sign of not wanting to do this, then she disappeared.

Hi, I am sorry and surprised that you have not heard anything more from your found mother after all this time . I know you haven't asked for advice, but anything is possible for why you have not heard from her. Is it possible to loose the contact information? Sometimes there is a fine line between respect and fear and we know that both can be the thief of time. I hope the both of you, get contact with your b-mother's very soon.
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Old 04-03-2012, 01:02 PM
twoclowns twoclowns is offline
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I am sorry to hear that your birth mother has not responded back to you as of yet. I think that you may need to give her some time to digest what just happened. As a birth mother myself, I was thrilled when my daughter contacted me. I have known her for over two years now and there are still times that I may question myself about how much or how little contact I should be having with her. Sometimes it gets confusing because we both have different needs for the relationship. My hope for you is that if you give your birth mother some time and maybe reach out in a couple of weeks and let her know that you are thinking about her and that you would like to have a relationship with her when she is ready for that and that you respect her decision, she will contact you. Alot depends upon her circumstances at the time she gave you up for adoption and what is happening in her life right now. My daughter asked me to contact her birth father. I was really nervous about it because he was not involved in the whole process. Anyway I did contact him and we spoke on the phone for about 45 minutes, I thought the conversation went really well and that he would be in contact with either me again or my daughter but it has been four months. For him he has a wife and children and I think he doesn't know what to do. So I have not contacted him again. I hope that he will change his mind and when he is ready he will contact one of us. Try to be strong and know that you are not at fault for what is happening right now. Susan
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