[sandyh]

My sister (in her 40s) and I (50s)…received letters yesterday from a woman (I’ll call her “C”) who said in 2001 her biological mother finally told her who her biological father was…it was our dad. The bio mother told her this a year after our dad passed away. The problem I think we’re having with all of this is…40-something years ago my father was cheating on my mother and this woman’s bio mother was messing around with a man she knew was married with children.

Anyway, “C” then proceeded to tell us about her illnesses and disabilities…her teenage son’s illness…how she didn’t want anyone visiting her at her home and she gave us a phone number, but said she hardly ever answers her phone. She wanted to know if one of us could get her a copy of our dad’s death certificate and she would repay us for it.

“C” said her bio mother told her that my dad was “the love of her life” and continued an on/off relationship with him for 15 years after “C’s” birth and adoption. The last part of that we don’t believe. I guess we’re kind of angry with all of this…not at “C”…but because of the choices our father and the bio mother made in committing adultery back then. “C” also seems like she’s trying to make her bio mother sound almost like a saint, but our feelings toward her are totally different. She says the woman is very ill now and she doesn’t want to do anything to upset her. I hate to say this, but we really don’t care whether the bio mother gets upset or not…my sister feels the same. That woman made a conscious decision 40+ years ago…she has to deal with the consequences.

Oh, my mother was extremely upset over the whole thing too. I can only imagine the thoughts going through her head now. Doesn’t “C” realize that this information has upset our family? I mean out of the clear blue you get a letter telling you your father has a 40-something year old child as the result of an affair! I think our emotions matter just as much as the bio mother’s. Our family and “C” are the innocents in all of this.

I guess my question is…how do we handle the situation? I just don’t know about all of this.

[Jensboys]

Is there anyway you can remove the emotion (anger, disappointment, frustration) you justifably feel towards the adults in this situation and focus on the fact that you have a new sister?

Although you are dealing with some pain now at this discovery, your sister ultimately has paid the highest price for her parents transgressions. She was not raised with either of her bio parents, she lost the chance to be a "real" sister to you two, she knows she was conceived in less than ideal circumstances AND now faces rejection from her biological family.

Ultimately, there is probably a part of your father's life you knew nothing about and you are entitled to feel whatever you want -- but it is NOT your sister's fault for existing or wanting to know her roots. Its NOT her fault your father had an affair, or that she wants to know her siblings.

Give yourself whatever time you need, and then realize that truly this is a gift. A new family member ... a connection.

(ps I was once in your shoes, I know some of what it feels)

[legal]

It meant so much to me to meet my half sibs. I connected better with them than my full sibs. I was an affair baby too (but adopted away) and it broke up the first marriage of my Dad and he left his 4 children for my mother. I hate hate hate infidelity and it is my hot button, but here I am a cheater's baby.(well, not a baby now!)
I hate the facts as much as my sibs do. In fact, I felt responsible for their pain;~((

[MamaS]

Are you sure that she is telling the truth? Did you or your mother know about any "cheating" your father did prior to this, or are you just taking her word for it? He is not alive to defend himself, so anyone can say anything.
I would ask for a DNA test before I embraced this woman as a half-sister. Also I would NOT give her a copy of his death certificate. Maybe a copy of the newspaper obituary or funeral service bulletin, but NOT a legal document with names, numbers and dates. Why would she need that? She has known he was dead for eight years!

[sandyh]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Are you sure that she is telling the truth? Did you or your mother know about any "cheating" your father did prior to this, or are you just taking her word for it? He is not alive to defend himself, so anyone can say anything.
I would ask for a DNA test before I embraced this woman as a half-sister. Also I would NOT give her a copy of his death certificate. Maybe a copy of the newspaper obituary or funeral service bulletin, but NOT a legal document with names, numbers and dates. Why would she need that? She has known he was dead for eight years!

You see that's what I'm concerned about...is she telling the truth? We don't know her from Adam and all of a sudden after 40+ years we get letters in the mail. Actually, we don't know for sure about any cheating he may or may not have done.

She said she wanted his death certificate because she wanted to know his cause of death. I believe my word on that should be good enough. I totally understand why she would want health history if she is who she says she is, but there's no need for an official document.

I think another thing that really bothers me is that she won't give me any names other than her's...not that it's really any of my business, I guess, but I don't like someone knowing personal things about me and I know nothing about them other than what they choose to tell me. She even knows my mother's name and my mother doesn't like that. I do know people can find out so many personal things in the Internet nowadays...I've done genealogy for years and am still surprised at the information I find. I hate to be so suspicious, but I feel you can't be too careful in today's world.

If she is who she claims to be I'll be more than happy to welcome her into my life

[dpen6]

Are death certs. public doucouments...can't she just go look at them ?

I don't blame you for being careful, there are so many scammers out there these days. I would respectfully ask for a DNA. Has she showedyou any pictures of herself to see if any resemblece?

If in fact she is a sib I would try(as hard as it may be) to seperate her from your fathers alledged adultry.

[legal]

"She said she wanted his death certificate because she wanted to know his cause of death. I believe my word on that should be good enough."

Your word should be GOOD enough. My brother just died a month ago and we only needed his death cert. for insurance, ss for minor son ect.. and I am wondering why she would want that.

[Xdad]

Nice ladies!
And I agree about the adultery issue, some people leave that stuff up to their appropriate God. As much as it sucks for your personal ego, and pride... is it really your concern who your father chose to sleep with?

Some might even go as far as to say that it was God's will for this to happen, while others may say that everything happens for a reason.
I'd do alot of "meditating", deep thought, or some may call it prayer.

I would feel "blessed" to find out I had half sibs, but I would do what I could to find out if they are in fact half sibs.

This must really have freaked you out. Hang in there.

[BrandyHagz]

Anyone can walk into the office where such records are kept and request a non-certified copy. If she wants one, it's hers for the asking.

As for the assumption that she might be lying - ask for a test.

Of course, I've got real issues with the 'assume she's lying' train of thought...be angry at the adults, not the now adult child - she had little (zero) choice in the matter.

You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your parents.

[RavenSong]

I don't find anything strange at all with your half-sister wanting a copy of her birth father's birth certificate. In fact, after my son's birth father died, I obtained a copy of his death certificate on his behalf.

It is one of the only tangible things about his birth father that my son can hold in his hands... It was important for him to have a copy of that document.

As Brandy said in her post, anyone can obtain a non-certified copy of a death certificate. If you're a genealogist, I'm sure you know that. Genealogy is one of my great passions in life, and I've received dozens of non-certified death certificates throughout the years of deceased relatives and ancestors.

I've also received non-certified death certificates on behalf of adoptees who I've done family trees for. Those certificates meant a lot to them...because they finally saw their birth parents' names on paper; they could see that a real, living human being once existed, that their birth parents' weren't just some fantasy.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that her wanting a copy of your father's death certificate doesn't mean she's trying to scam you or rip you off....

[legal]

I didn't know she wanted the non official type-if there is a difference. My searcher did tell me to request a copy of the death certificate from the state, but I never did. My brother's searcher also told me to do that and she said it was to confirm identity? Again, I never requested it.
Sorry to be suspicious, I didn't know it was so easy to get one.

[sum1son]

I requested a maternal DNA test from the lady who thought I might be her birth brother (thankfully, it was, matched to 99.9994%), 'given up' to adoption 33 years ago.

I can appreciate how strange this all must be to you, and am hopeful that your emotions regarding this information about your father doesn't cloud the joy of finding a new sibling.

Blood is important. Nobody feels that as intimately as an adoptee when given the chance to 'connect' with biological family - no matter the circumcstances of their conception and birth.

It means a lot that you came to adoption.com for support. Seems to me that you really care about this person who's come into your life, despite the mixed emotions you must be experiencing - if she is who she thinks she is. Otherwise one wouldn't expect you to be concerned about how you handle this situation.

As an adoptee, I rejoice that my birth sister and mother found me - for good or bad, and all that family entails. I know your situation is different from mine, but hope you can try to resist the emotional drive to distrust this person, or worse, inadvertantly causing this person to feel rejected by their biological sibling.

I had no hesitation when I asked for a DNA test, and no hard feelings were harboured by anyone involved. It cost 200 bucks - but it only left .00001% possibility up to chance

Despite the original circumstances, is there a part of you that is sort of excited to find a birth sibling?

[Dickons]

Just do a dna test and get it over with...you have both your mom and a full sibling so the test will be accurate. Including your mother in the test will increase the definitiveness by allowing the research company to isolate the genes you inherited from your mother making the mathematical formula much finite.

If you use your mother, full sister, yourself and your half sibling in a dna test the results should be very conclusive. Make sure that you specify it is a half sibling test on the paperwork.

Testing is relatively inexpensive now days. I would imagine that the half sibling would be willing to pay for the testing as she is the one seeking.

Good luck,
Dickons

[sandyh]

Thank all of you for your replies.

Right now I am a little more concerned about my mother's emotions than anyone else's...she is hurt.

I have no problem with letting this person know about any health issues my father's side of the family had, but I did have a problem with her asking my sister or myself to pay for a copy of a death certificate and she did say that. I know certified copies aren't expensive, but I know I wouldn't be asking a total stranger to pay for something I wanted...especially since you can obtain a non-certified copy on your own. I don't even have a copy of his death certificate myself.

I guess all of you would have to read her original letter and the reply to my email to understand why I have a few doubts. One thing she did was call my mother by her middle name...no one calls her by that name. She tells us she doesn't want anyone coming to her home (not that any of us would without an invitation) because her house is a total wreck. She said she doesn't even invite long-time friends over because of the condition of her house. She gave us a phone number, but then says she seldom answers her phone. She said she wouldn't contact my mother. I don't know why she even brought that up...there would be no reason for it. She said she couldn't prove she was legally his daughter...guess she never thought someone might request a DNA test. I don't know...it just seemed too much like a sob story right from the beginning with all the talk about her being almost totally disabled and one of her sons having medical problems too. How her bio mother told her she was told she was given to a family that was very well off and that wasn't true. All of that was in the original contact letter. I think if it were me, I wouldn't tell all those things right up front because I would be worried the person may think I was trying to scam them.

Anyway, I am going to give her the medical history and answer any other questions she may have...ones that I feel comfortable answering anyway. I am going let her know I do want to stay in contact with her, but we have nothing to offer other than family and friendship...which we don't. I'm also going to tell her that I'm going to leave it up to her if she ever wants to meet in person. That's all I know to do under the circumstances and I do not want to make her feel bad because of the extremely poor decisions two other people made years ago.

Thanks to all of you again! I really appreciate the input.

SandyH

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Anyone can walk into the office where such records are kept and request a non-certified copy. If she wants one, it's hers for the asking.

As for the assumption that she might be lying - ask for a test.

Of course, I've got real issues with the 'assume she's lying' train of thought...be angry at the adults, not the now adult child - she had little (zero) choice in the matter.

You can pick your nose, but you can't pick your parents.

Brandi, I felt the same way but it is such are common reaction to adoptees that I tried to getrid of my intinial feeling iff defensivness and tried to see it from her side...but ya...I agree its lousy that we as the adoptees are on the defensive all the time....But its the way it is!

AND their are scammers out there!