[MamaS]

Originally Posted by sandyh

Thank all of you for your replies.

Right now I am a little more concerned about my mother's emotions than anyone else's...she is hurt.

She said she wouldn't contact my mother. I don't know why she even brought that up...there would be no reason for it. She said she couldn't prove she was legally his daughter...guess she never thought someone might request a DNA test. I do not want to make her feel bad because of the extremely poor decisions two other people made years ago.
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SandyH

That is what bothers me. Why should your mother's belief in her marriage partner be shattered like this? Why assume your father made a poor decision without any evidence?
Why did she say she would not contact your mother? Maybe to remind you that she could, at any time?
I guess I am naturally suspicious, but if someone came to me with a story like that about my father, they had better be able to prove it! If she won't take a DNA test, then I would have a lawyer send her a letter telling her to "cease and desist" defaming the name of my father.
If she really is your sister, welcome her and forgive your father. If she isn't -- protect your mother's feelings and your father's reputation.

[sandyh]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Is there anyway you can remove the emotion (anger, disappointment, frustration) you justifably feel towards the adults in this situation and focus on the fact that you have a new sister?

We don't know if we do have a " new sister"! Are we just supposed to take her word for it? The only feeling I have is of suspicion. I know it may not be right, but that's what I feel.

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Although you are dealing with some pain now at this discovery, your sister ultimately has paid the highest price for her parents transgressions. She was not raised with either of her bio parents, she lost the chance to be a "real" sister to you two, she knows she was conceived in less than ideal circumstances AND now faces rejection from her biological family.

"Real sister" to us two? No one is rejecting her...we just aren't willing to take the word of a complete stranger with no proof.

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Ultimately, there is probably a part of your father's life you knew nothing about and you are entitled to feel whatever you want -- but it is NOT your sister's fault for existing or wanting to know her roots. Its NOT her fault your father had an affair, or that she wants to know her siblings.

It's NOT mine or my sister's fault either and we have the right to feel whatever we feel.

Originally Posted by Jensboys

Give yourself whatever time you need, and then realize that truly this is a gift. A new family member ... a connection.

As I said before, we don't know that she's a "new family member" and we should not be made to feel guilty because we are a little suspicious of the claim. We should also not be made to feel guilty because we are more concerned with our own mother's feelings than a stranger's.

[sandyh]

Here’s why I’m really having a problem with this woman (a total stranger)…all she’s done is talk about herself and mainly her problems.

The following was in the original letter from her…

"I have had health problems for 11 years now and am considered permanently handicapped by my doctors, but I do work full-time. My life mainly consists of going to work and sleeping as much as I can while I am off work. I also have 2 sons and my older one recently had a seizure and he is going through tests to try to find out what caused it.

It would be really nice if I could get a certified copy of his death certificate, but I cannot get one on my own. I cannot prove that I am his child legally but if you could obtain a copy for me I would pay you back for the fees involved."

I still don’t understand why she would need a “certified” copy. Also, why should we pay for it and hope a total stranger pays us back?

"If you are willing, I would like to get to know you and “X” (my sister) too. But that is completely up to you. The easiest way to contact me is through my email address which is...************. I seldom answer the phone but my number is ***-***-**** and of course you have my address at the top of this letter, but I would ask to please not just drop in on me. I seldom have anyone over to my house. I don’t even have long time friends come over anymore due to the condition of my house. I seldom had anyone over anyway. I don't have a lot of time or energy, due to my health problems, to interact with my "new family"."

First of all, it would be kind of difficult for us to “just drop in” on her since we live over 250 miles away and she knows that. Second, she doesn’t sound like she’s really that interested in getting to know us…especially since she said she doesn’t have much time or energy to interact with her “new family”.

I did send her an email with all the medical history I knew of and I asked her the question about what her biological mother’s first name was. This was her response…

"Right now I do not want to give out the name of my biological mother. I do not know if your mother ever actually knew her or knew about her and she is in very bad health due to her smoking and I do not want her upset at this time. I will tell you later on though."

Her biological mother would never know she told us what her first name is unless she told her and there would be no use in letting her know. It’s not like we were planning on contacting her…we have no desire to…we are just curious. We wouldn’t even be able to locate her unless we knew a full name. “I will tell you later on though”…what’s up with that?

"I did not know the names of my biological parents until my adopted mother finally gave up a name back in 2001 when I was very ill. My biological mother was told I was given to a family that was very well off. That wasn’t true. I spoke with my biological mother before I wrote and sent the letters to you and “X” to verify some things. One health problem that I have is lots of short-term memory problems."

Why does she keep bringing up illnesses? And, most of the time they have nothing to do with what she had said previously.

I sent an email with the medical history information…no names included though. I also asked a few questions…how she conducted her search? Was it done over the Internet? If so, which websites? Does she know what hospital she was born in? I told her I hope she understood that my sister and I were going to have some questions of our own and would appreciate any answers she could give. We can’t get answers from our father since he passed away 9 years ago. I ended the mail with “take care of yourself”. This is the reply I received…

"I am not really going to be able to respond to this just yet. I stayed home from work yesterday because I was ill. I am real sure it is my gall bladder acting up.

My usual workdays and hours are Monday through Thursday, 3:30PM until 2AM. I am pretty much worthless through the week on getting anything done in a timely manner. I leave everything to Friday through Sunday.

This week I am supposed to go to an SSI appeal hearing today, had an appointment with the attorney on that yesterday and I have a doctor's appointment on Friday. So I am going to lose a lot of sleep because of all of this. It may be Saturday before I can really respond.

Thanks for the medical information though."

This was just more about her illnesses and personal problems. She could have answered the questions I asked in the time it took her to write that reply.

She has NEVER asked anything about my sister or myself. I know if I was her I would want to know a little about my biological siblings lives…like...if we were married, had any children, what our interests were, if we had anything in common, etc. She hasn’t asked to see any pictures of us to see if maybe we look anything alike…NOTHING!

I hate to be so suspicious people, but this is a total stranger and we should not be made to feel guilty because we may have questions. You cannot be too careful in today's world and that's just a sad fact.

[Dickons]

It is so hard to tell from the parts you have shown here if she is on the up and up or just scamming you. Ask for a dna test before you proceed further.

Did you ask her why she needs a 'certified' copy? I can understand wanting a copy but...you could tell her how much it costs and tell her you will wait to receive the money before ordering it.

As to being sick...if she and her child are sick and the doctors supspect it may be genetic the courts may have opened her adoption records. They did for me. And I also can relate to trying to work when you are really sick and having to sleep alot, the house completely suffers and if you are selfconscious the last thing you want is for anyone to stop by...

The other thing that is common with adoptees - we are very protective of our birth parents even though we have never met them, it is something that just is part of our makeup. My first reaction is that she would be afraid your mom may know who her mother is by her first name and then call her and upset her...

But she needs to answer any questions you have. Have you asked for a picture and a dna test?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[dpen6]

Isuggest you ask her the questions you have in the most direct honest way. Tell her the reasons why you aresking in the most direct way. Tell her what you need from her to verify that she is actualtly a halfsister and also of your misgivings in a non judgmentmental way.

Keep opions about her mother, father, your mother father out of it for now...just try to get some facts .

Mention that SHE is the one that contacted you andyou do have a right toknow if in fact she could possibly be a half sib. You need the data to back it up...not because SHE is inherently a suspicous person but because of the world we live in. you are very sorry for her illiness but you can't help in any way( in terms of information) unless you know what is what.

The reasons for some of the responses you have been getting is because it is often the adoptee that is looked at FIRST as being "out for something", trying to get money, or just the crazy one.....and most often(not all) we are just regular people that just want information. We are often looked at as suspious...just because we were born and its a very humilating position to be in.....just to know what is our birthright...our genatic information.

Forget about the death certificate for now...its not important really. Just tell her your not willing to give her that...period. I do agree its a kind of strange request. thats the last thing I would ask for when finding my bfather and family.

I do understand your reservation about this but try not to decipher every little thing( i know...hard) and continue to ask for proof...I really don't think you are asking to much at this point.

[loveajax]

Sandy, this is so weird, but my husband was adopted and also had an older sister placed for adoption. I stumbled across her info on an adoption registry site. I gave it to my DH and he reached out to her....a few days later she called him a horrible swear word because she figured out from his information that he was a private detective (he is) and she thought she was being scammed. He was INFURIATED. But I told him to look at it from her point of view....she never knew he existed...it did look a little "shady," etc...What set her mind at ease was that he gave her the name/number of the adoption social worker to confirm that they were indeed related. I don't blame you for wanting "confirmation" but I do agree it can be asked for in a nice way. And of course, even if this woman turns out to be your sister, it doesn't mean that you have to "embrace" her as a sister....you may have nothing in common....you may turn out to be the best of friends, you just never know...so keep an open heart!

Good luck to you. I am sure this has been shocking and difficult.

[sandyh]

The point is...she hasn't even answered any simple questions we've asked her, but wants information from us (my sister and I).

I totally understand her wanting medical history and I freely gave that to her...I just didn't include names of grandparents, aunts or uncles.

She doesn't need a "certified" copy of a death certificate unless she's planning on trying to do something with it. Neither my sister or I even have a "certified" copy...or a "non-certified" copy...as far as that goes.

My mother has nothing to do with any of this other than her feelings are hurt over something that happened 45+ years ago...she didn't know anything about it. My dad has been dead and gone for years, but it still upsets her. We are very protective of our mother. We are also very protective of our father...even if he might be her father.

Everyone needs to remember this...my sister and I had nothing to do with any of this either. It was just all of sudden, out-of-the-blue thrown in our faces and it's not always just about how the adult adoptee may be made to feel. After all, we're now being told something totally different from what we grew up thinking we knew.

[sandyh]

Originally Posted by loveajax

And of course, even if this woman turns out to be your sister, it doesn't mean that you have to "embrace" her as a sister....you may have nothing in common....you may turn out to be the best of friends, you just never know...so keep an open heart!

Good luck to you. I am sure this has been shocking and difficult.

I don't even like some of the people in my family that I've known all my life...LOL!

Thank you!

[zxczxcasdasd]

It sounds to me like she, at the very least, has depression, which colors how she sees herself and those around her and this situation.

I would be positive but direct- that you are unwilling to proceed any further without some direct confirmation that you are indeed related. It's simple: you can get a death cert for yourself as it's public record and we're not comfortable making any kind of "loan", we need info that we can independently confirm and we need a DNA test for which we each pay our part.

I don't think you'll even begin to know how to feel or what to think unless you know whether this is for real or not. There's no way to move beyond suspicion and confusion unless she's willing to help you confirm her identity and relation to you.

[SoniaRose]

Regarding the death certificate: I don't know how vital records are accessed in your state, but in my state, I was able to request an informational copy of my bmom's death certificate through the county in which she died. Because it was informational only, not certified, I identified myself as "daughter" on the form -- I didn't have to prove my identity.

You asked why someone would want a death certificate: In my case, I requested the certificate because I was looking for any information about her (I didn't know the names of her children at that time). In hindsight, the certificate was interesting because I also learned the exact cause of death, her marital status, where she lived, where she worked, etc.

In your case, I would suggest that she get an informational copy for herself (does she know the date of his death and the county?). Or, as suggested, tell her you'll send for the certified copy as soon as she mails you a check.

I think you have been more than nice to her at this point. I agree that she needs to provide more proof of her parentage before you give her any more information.

[sandyh]

I have done as many of you suggested and told her it was possible to get a non-certified copy of the death certificate on her own. I think she may have gotten all she wanted with the medical history, found out that I'm just not willing to give out too much information and now she is done with it. I don't know what her thinking is, but I do know one thing for myself...I'm just going to leave it alone. After all, she was the one who initiated the whole thing...I never knew anything about any of it until she sent that first letter with her claim. Oh well...life goes on. Thanks to everyone!

Sandy

[dpen6]

Sandy,

Its to bad you could not have gotten a confirmation that she actually was your half sib and did't just hit and run for information. she has now placed a seed of doubt in your minds but more importantly your mothers.

I would understand if she really was looking for some history, medical or otherwise and showed some respect and compassion for your family. She must of known she was droping a huge bomb and then to just fade away seems so strange.....what a curious situation.

I'm sorry..it must have been difficult.