[mistiqueallie]

Hi:

I am a 28 year old adoptee and I recently decided to look into my adoption information. I am not sure what I want out of the information, but I don't want to have any regrets in my life.

I requested my adoption file from my provincial government, which switched to an open file system a few years ago, with the option to veto release of identifying information. I received my file with the note that my bmother had filed a veto and all of her identifying info was censored, with the exception of my birth last name (go figure huh?). The record also listed her sibling's ages and genders, but not their names.

It turns out that the last name is so unique that there is only one family in Canada (and it seems North America) with that last name spelled that way. I found a few individuals on Facebook (all related) and made contact with them. One individual has agreed to ask his aunts some questions (pretty sure that one of his aunts that is my bmother) and let me know if he can give me any more information.

My question is if she filed a veto, does that mean that she most likely will not want contact? I am open to contact, but obviously will not force myself into her life. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation?

Allie

P.S. My hubby is also adopted, so we will be starting a search for his bfamily soon... Until we find our bfamilies, who knows what our kids will look like??? LOL we have no idea which traits are genetic!

[bakerjw]

I would suspect that a veto would mean that she doesn't want contact. But, human nature isn't something that can be quantified. It could very well be that she just doesn't want you showing up on her doorstep unannounced. I think that is a fear of a lot of birth mothers.

If one of the aunts is your birth mother I'd recommend seeing if the person that you contacted could give her a letter for you. It is a lot to ask of a person but you never know. A simple letter telling her who you are, that you're doing well, and that you don't want to intrude in her life and you just would like the chance to get to know her may work well. Especially if your letter isn't perceived as threatening. I don't mean threatening like making threats, more along the lines of not likely to spook her as a young deer would get spooked.

If it is your birth mother I'd definitely move as soon as possible. She filed a veto and you've made an end move around her wishes and if it comes out that you've done it for any length of time then it might cause problems. Hope that makes some sense.

Hope she rethinks and decides to at least give you a chance.

[sum1son]

Hi Allie:

I'm sorry that you have a veto blocking the bureaucrazy-route. Couldn't help but wonder if you have any info on your birth dad? For me, a few days ago after receiving an online msg from a lady and her mom looking for her birthbro and son (still waiting for the dna result) and finding out the man who could have been my biodad, was dead, made me wonder more and more about him and his - extended family that may still be alive.

I think if I was in your position, I'd be deeply interested in re-focusing my search for the father<?> Perhaps he would be very receptive - and maybe even open a new window of opportunity to your mother?

Bet all us adoptees would be interested in an update on this if it's not too difficult right now, so we could rally to your side -much respect, S

PS: It occurs to me that for your mother to file a veto, after this long, and so soon after the province opened its records to you, that she must spend, and have spent, a great deal of time thinking about you.

[mistiqueallie]

Hi: Thanks for the replies.

First of all an update on contacting bfamily: I had been messaging with an individual who I am pretty sure is my cousin and he said he would make some inquiries and get back to me. I said that I was open to communication and would be happy to give my email address if interested. I figured one of three things would happen:
1. bmom would completely deny my existance
2. bmom would say she did not want contact at all
3. bmom would ask for my email address

The guy asked me for my email address four days ago (it's killing me waiting for an email of any kind), so I am hopeful that communication will happen.

I also thought, like sum1son, that if she filed a veto, that means at least she hasn't forgotten about me and perhaps the veto was to prevent me from showing up on her doorstep (which I would never dream of doing) vs initial communication via email or telephone.

sum1son: My bfather's name is listed in the records, but it is a pretty common last name and according to my bmom's notes, he does not know she was pregnant as he disappeared before the pregnancy was confirmed. I have been plugging his name into every search engine, database, etc that I can, but getting a lot of wild hits on a large variety of people, so it may not happen.

Similarly, my husband's bmom has a common last name that results in 500,000 hits in Canada alone, so it will take a long time to sift through them all (in contrast, my last name came up with something like 275 hits).

will keep you posted though, either way!

-Allie

[cls2445]

(I am a 28 year old adoptee and I recently decided to look into my adoption information. I am not sure what I want out of the information, but I don't want to have any regrets in my life.)

I am going to play the "devils advocate" here. This will be a life changing experience for all parties involved. There are MANY parties involved: children, spouses, possibly grandchildren,etc. I would suggest you do some soul searching before rushing ahead with your search. What do you really want the out come to be? Just to find out what your children will look like?
As a birth mother, when contact was first made, I questioned her motive and I was so very afraid that I would loose my dau again. Because of her age at the time(45) I knew contact was not made just out of curiousity. I could not have survived that.

[bakerjw]

A lot of adoptees don't know what they want out of searching. I suppose it is hard to quantify something that you've never experienced. I can't say that I miss evenings on the French Riviera because I've never been there but I can imagine what it might be like. I might go there some day and absolutely detest the place. I think that is where a lot of searching adoptees come from and it is why everyone involved needs to take things slowly. We can only learn from others who've gone before us and shared their insights.

[Dickons]

Baker,

So very true - how can we know what we want when we do not know...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[evansmum]

Allie, I had the complete opposite search issues. My mother put her information into the ADR, and even now, after 3/4 years, we still don't have much contact.

I wish you luck. I hope that once your bmom sees that you are willing to have any amount of contact, she may be more receptive to either meeting you or at least writing a letter with your family history.

She might be scared that you wouldn't want to meet her, so she struck first, you know? If she put in a veto, then she'd never know if it was YOUR choice to not have contact.... silly, but makes sense in that scared, not wanting to be rejected kinda way.

[mistiqueallie]

(I would suggest you do some soul searching before rushing ahead with your search. What do you really want the out come to be? Just to find out what your children will look like?)

This has not been a "rushed" search. I have been contemplating searching for over 10 years, but finally gotten the courage to when I started to have some medical issues, which having a complete family medical history would have helped immensely.

Growing up, I was asked if I would ever look for my bmom and I usually said no, because I have a family and I was raised by a fantastic couple and their three kids. I actually am not sure if I want to have a relationship with my bfamily, my primary reason was medical history, but am open to communication/relationship if THEY want to. Once I started to reach out, I have gotten excited at the prospect of finding out my history and finding people who look like me and their family history/culture/traditions. (I am Ukranian by birth, but raised by born and bred Scottish, so I consider myself Scottish, though I have Ukranian blood)

I put the sentence about my future children to put into context that both my husband and I are adopted, not that the reason I am searching is so that I can see what my kids will look like.

[cls2445]

Thank you for explaining your orig. post. I guess I misread it. Sorry.
I wouldn't take that veto as permanent. Continue to persue you leads. Just take it one step at a time. I truely wish you well.

[California_Chris]

I would be curious as to when this "veto" was placed in the file by the birth mother. If it was years ago, perhaps her feelings have changed?

Also...adoption files, like any files, can contain papers and notations that are not really related. It could be an example of human error.

In the court notes for my mothers 1943 adoption, there's the comment: "DCG record 22518: Do not think this is connected with this case. Mr. Willet Howard: see history from Bureau of Catholic Charities , Richmond, Virginia, Mrs. Thomas F. Norton, supv. placed child with pets."

("Pets" stands for "Petitioners" [the adopting parents], BTW. When my sister was looking at the old paperwork, she said, "Why are they noting the pets weren't at home on that visit???")

[mistiqueallie]

Well today I got the answer but not one that I can say that I expected. I got a very nasty email from my bmom and will never be contacting anyone related to her again. At least she did say that she made up a name for my birth father so I don't waste anymore time looking for a ghost.

I guess the provincial government did not explain that the birth name is provided to the adoptee, even if a veto is on file for the birth mother's information. My birth name (in full) was provided and a name is enough to go on when it is pretty rare. I do suspect that there is a document missing, however, because she said that she "made a mistake writing that letter because they said that her name would be cut off". I never got a copy of any letter, which I suspect said "Never attempt to contact me".

I am even more thankful for my amom and adad now that I know what a hate-filled and spiteful woman she is (the email was pretty strongly worded, my husband was appalled). I guess it is partially my fault as I went the roundabout way of looking for her, but I never in my wildest dreams thought that she would not want to hear ANYTHING about me.

Thanks for your replies to this thread.

My husband and I are still going to try to find his family, just to give closure to the questions that I was trying to answer.

[BlackSheep]

I am sorry to hear that you received that response mistiqueallie. I wish you and your husband luck and success in searching for his birth family.

[geogdeb]

Allie,

I am so sorry that your bmom responded the way she did. I would love an opportunity to give her a piece of my mind. What an awful way to act, not just for a bmom, but for a human being.

I am a bmom and would never have turned my son away - EVER! I can understand her not wanting to tell her family and all the embarrassment and social stigma attached to being a bmom, but she could respond with caring and empathy nonetheless. IMO, she has no excuse. I am so, so sorry and wish I could make it right somehow.

Good luck to your DH with his search. I am sure it will end better.

Deb

[mistiqueallie]

geogdeb: can you be my "surrogate" bmom? The one I got was broken and I'd like to exchange it! LOL, just kidding...

It has definitely been a lesson in human behavior (it can never be predicted) and never believe in fairy tales (I should know that one by now, unfortunately).

I think I'll be a stronger person, however odd that may sound, for it. I did call my amom and asister and told them that I love them and I appreciate EVERYTHING that they've done for me, and all they put up with me growing up. I'll just give my abrothers a quick hug, no sense crying in front of the guys who used to pummel me (just kidding ).