[bakerjw]

Aw man. I am truly sorry that she responded that way. As I said human nature can't be easily quantified or predicted. I can't imagine how it must feel to be that close and meet with that kind of response.

When my birth mother attempted contact many years ago I was somewhat hostile towards the counselor who had contacted me. There were a lot of extenuating circumstances and too many people got involved which only added to the strength of my response. Time softened that and now I wish I'd have told everyone who thought that their opinion mattered that they could.... Well anyway. I guess I can understand the hostility to come degree and my involvement and knowledge leading up to my adoption is almost nothing.

It might sound odd to say but I feel sorry for her too knowing that the situation surrounding your birth and placement must have caused her a lot of pain and suffering that she still harbors and deals with. Life hardens people and sometimes makes them angry and spiteful which is such a shame but at some level there is good in everyone.

Best wishes with your husbands search and just realize that you are not the loser in this situation, unfortunately she is.

[cls2445]

I am SO sorry. I have a difficult time understanding why she would never want contact. After all the years I thought about my dau. the day she contacted me was a prayer answered. You at least deserve a medical history. It sounds like you are handling this fairly well considering. I am glad you have your family to give you support and love.

[sstuart]

I too am sorry that she reacted this way. It must be a very painful memory or you know she could just be an angry, spiteful person. I always want to think the best, but I am beginning to learn that it is not always true. It is likely painful for most birthmoms. I know it was for me, but it was not my DDs fault for my pain. I think that is part of the problem with alot of people. They do not own their actions, and feelings and place those on others. We are responsible for what we think, feel, say and do.
You are taking this well--you never know she may get over the initial shock and get curious. As mad as she gets you are an adult and so is much of your birth family. You could still get to know them if they are willing and are over 18. I would be too curious not to try, although I know the though of more angry spiteful people may not be something you want to risk.
I hope the best for you. Sounds like your parents did a fabulous job raising you!!

[dpen6]

You know its this kind ofsituaion that gets me thinking. First of all I am sorry that you recieved the email you did..that must have hurt. But I am trying to think of a way for furture situions to have a little bit of a differnt outcome. Or at least to have therespect of getting a little bit ofwhat weneed...information.

I do beleive that if a bmom or adoptee puts a veto in the record it does need to be respected....but not sure it should be a "no contact" veto....I get the reasons why some bmoms need the veto....But i don't understand how anyone could think its ok to deny a person they gave birth to any and all information regarding that birth and the inherent bioligical information that someone is born with. I don't get why we as the adoptee have to be treated as if weare some scum that does not warrent that information....its stinks but it reamins a fact of some of our births.

I think the biggest fear of many is that the adoptee will go charging into their lives and ruin there little secret....i think we as adoptees really need to be snesitive and be reassuring that we have no interest in HURTING anyone but are desrving of the information.

I think the compromise needs to be that the bmother along with the veto supplies a complete family history wich includes names, medical, heritage. strentghs ect. All given freely. The bmoms that don't want contact need to understand our position as most of us have heard adnauseum their positon...most of us get it. A little understanding of us and out needs would go a long way. But if there is a veto, I draw the line at an adoptee expecting a relationship, or contacting. I know its totally wrong for a mother to veto a person they gave birth too because of her issues but its a fact that a small number of peole will do just that and feel totally justifed in doing it. Its a harsh reality of adoption(which is supposed to be about the children(ya right). I am also afraid of when I hear of situaions like this that when an adoptee contacts in spite of the veto that it would give creadence to the closing of all records and for those folks that beleive mothers need the protection from the person that they gave birth to and don't even know.

I understand your hurt and to the person that is worried about all the other peole effected...welll...they have their inforamtion don't they? My adoption has nothing to do with them and if they have issues well...they should get help with it but it is NOT a reason for me not to have my biological information. I and the OP have done nothing TO them...but exist..if they are having trouble with my existence and assume I am hertful to the family..well agin thats their issues..not mine.

I know this is kind of rambled and I don't think you did anything wrong....jsut think we have to be VERY careful when theri is a contact veto in place.

In your case...it would not have killed her to repalce her anger and venom with a little understanding ..she is able to e-mail with venom then she is able to talk with a little understanding. An e-mail with the information and the need for the veto would have been enough.

I am sorry

I just wantedto add that ifthe information is giving and there is a "no contact" order that it really does need to be respected....that goes for adoptees also that want a no contact veto..it goes both ways. The adoptee can add something in the filethat they are ok but don't eant contact.

[California_Chris]

Ouch! Jeepers....sorry she's so harsh at the moment. As others have mentioned, she may come around yet, as time passes. (Whether you want any further contact with her if that happens will be another issue, of course.)

My mother is an adoptee...and I spent the last year looking for her birth family and found them. The really surprising thing to me was that her half-sister (born 10 years after the adoption took place, once the birth mom had settled down) seems suspicious and confused as to why my family would want to know hers..."especially now that ______ is deceased."

Whether the information has shaken this woman in some way or she fears we are after the (non-existant) family fortune, I have really had to remind myself that this woman's response is not under my control...and maybe in some ways, not even any of my business. She has shared some memories and medical history and a few photographs of the birth mom, and those are great things. I am stunned that she shows no interest in ever speaking to her sister (my mom), but people are different. Who knows what in her life has lead her to that place? Not everyone is going to be our friend.

I'm saying this more for myself than for you, I guess, as a half-sibling is VERY different from a birth mom, and our circumstances are not the same in that regard. I guess what it did lead me to was remembering that things rarely have a tidy, simple, quick solution. People change over time (ourselves included) and a person who is closed-off today may not be a year from now. It's up to them.

Best wishes toward finding your birth father. If you do find him, it would be funny if he said, "Oh god, I had to get away from her because _________ was SUCH a nightmare!!!"

[SoniaRose]

Reading your story is so sad -- there is no excuse for a bmom to write a very nasty response. I can understand her fear and anger because her veto had been ignored, but she should have responded to you with more civility.

What impression do you have of the cousin and other bfamily members you found on facebook? Did they seem willing to listen to your story? You might consider writing an apologetic letter to the one cousin who helped you, telling him that you are very sorry to have caused turmoil in the family, and explaining that you were just hoping to find a positive connection with family members and some medical history. Maybe he will actually befriend you on the side. It can't hurt to try.

Since you have your bmom's email address, you might also consider a carefully worded sweet and apologetic response to her. Heck, make her feel guilty!!!

Think if you said something mean to someone, what would make you feel bad? It the person responded angrily in return, then you might feel justified. But if the person responded apologetically and expressed hurt feelings, you might start to feel really bad that you were so mean. Kill her with kindness. What do you have to lose?

[mistiqueallie]

Hi all: Thanks again for your support, it has meant a lot to me that I'm not the only one who thinks that she didn't handle it the best. The thing that I find most ironic is that she could have instructed my bcousin to send me a note with her message in it, but instead chose to request my email address and then provides me with her FULL name and email address when she emailed me. Up until then, I didn't actually know what her first name was! Now she has my email address and knows my married name (part of the email address), which I kind of wish I had given her my anonymous one that I use for junk mail and then give her my real one once contact was established, oh well.

None of her information was directly released to me, just my name at birth, so the veto was enforced. The veto does not specify "no contact" but just censors her full name and address, school info, etc, which presumably makes it harder to find that person. My last name at birth alone enabled me to find her family within a half hour! If it had been something like Smith or Jones, like my husband's, it would have been a completely different story. I guess she doesn't realize the power of the internet and how small the world has gotten with it.

She specified in her email that I was to never contact her family again, but I felt obligated to at least thank my bcousin for solving the mystery, no matter what the outcome. She also said that no-one knew about me and now everyone was asking questions. I wrote a short message, saying that she had made contact, made it perfectly clear that she wanted nothing to do with me and that I was sorry for the intrusion on their family.

His reply was that he was sorry for her reaction and that EVERYONE in her immediate family (mom, dad, brothers and sister) had known about me and that there were no problems, just curiousity. He also offered to provide what medical information he could and answer questions... "after all we are cousins". I am relieved to know that the rest of the family seems really nice and genuinely interested in knowing who I am, despite her.

I will lay low for now, I don't want to bombard them with all of my questions so soon, but I will eventually and maybe someday I will get to meet some of them in person.

I have no desire to apologize to my bmom because that would be treating her with the respect that she should have shown me. If she had sent a simple "I don't want contact" email, I probably would have apologized for the intrusion and left it at that. I realize that she may change her mind, but given the strong wording in her email (which I found highly offensive), I strongly doubt it. With how I feel right now, I probably would not respond to any future communications, no matter how civil. She had her chance to make a good first impression, and she blew it. Time may allow me to forgive her, but not anytime soon.

Allie

[dpen6]

Thank goodness your cousin is being understanding.
Sorry you are going through this...

[SuddenlySusan]

Allie...I am so sorry that your nmom was so harsh in her reply to you. But, despite her reaction, it seems you have indeed found other family members who do not share your nmom's feelings.

It's my belief that you have a right to know your natural family, regardless of the nmom's wishes. I believe that you have a right to a relationship with your cousin, and any other natural family member.

Best wishes in becoming acquainted with your cousin, and others. Who knows?....perhaps one day your nmom will be able to overcome the angst that has caused her to react with such anger.

Peace,
Susan

[SoniaRose]

So glad to hear that your bcousin is friendly and understanding. Maybe he can eventually send some family photos your way as well.

I only suggested apologizing to your bmom (although she doesn't deserve an apology) to make her realize that you are a real person with feelings. If she had a heart, she might feel bad that she hurt you, but then, maybe she doesn't have much of a heart...

I wish you all the best in developing a relationship with your cousins -- I hope all works out well for you. Take care of yourself.

[gtargrip]

Please find out all of the medical info you can now while the lines of communication are there. I had found my bmother when I was 28ish. She was great to me until I wanted info on my bfather, whom she told she misscarried and off he went back to his state of MI. (I am from MA and he was here in the service. She cut off all contact with me when my son was born. Jump ahead 10 years I need medical info for a pre cancerous scare that will have to be watched and she refuses a certifide letter asking for info. I spent some time not knowing what the next step should be. I then went to court and opened more documents and found my bfathers name and found him. Had third party contact and he sounded excited and happy told a little medical and said he would contact me directly after telling his family. One year later no call. So get what you can for your future. I have no regrets. I am glad that I serched and feel sad that they didn't want to know me or my children but I have a great family that truly is mine.