[Jack.01]

I really need some help here.

Several years ago my mother told me she had put a baby up for adoption. Anyways a few times a year I would try to do a passive type search (internet etc...) anyways in the last month through an adoption registry I think I may have found my adoptive sibling we have emailed and she would like to talk to me and I would like to talk to her.

My problem is that my mother does not know I was looking for my adoptive sibling and now that I think I have found her I am not sure how to tell my mother. Any advice would be appreciated.

[KittyMay]

Honesty first and foremost. I am an adoptee. My parents were fully aware of my search, and fully aware the day I made contact with my birth family. The fact your mom shared it with you makes me believe that she wanted to share the information for you to do what you wanted with it. If she didn't tell you don't search, then I'd just tell her. I can tell you by being an adoptee that I was happy to find out that everyone in my bfamily knew about me and looked for me. If I had to start out a reunion as a "secret", I'd probably would have said forget it. Your mom deserves to know. I called my mom that morning and shared with her immediately my good news. Since we've started off everything with complete honesty, on both sides, we are able to share everything and that is a good feeling. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

[SuddenlySusan]

Jackie, tell your mom...but be prepared for the emotional aftermath. She may need time to work through some emotions before she's ready for contact. Take things slow...you'll be glad you did.

Best wishes,
Susan

[bakerjw]

Be honest and gentle when you tell her but in your position I would definitely tell her. Probably the sooner the better. The longer that you delay the more it may seem like you were hiding her from your mom. It sounds ridiculous, but I've read on these forums where birth mothers feel slighted because the children that they raised and the child that they gave up for adoption "click" better than they do.

There is nothing logical about it, it's just that reunions can bring out all kinds of weird emotions.

If your mom and your sibling do start the reunion process you'll need to back off a bit and let them heal together. You'll still have a special relationship with her that will grow in time but right at the start it is about the adoptee and birth mother.

It sounds like you're in a very special position to be able to give your mom a gift like this. She may not be thrilled at first but I'm sure that in the end she'll be pleased at having at least known about her daughter.

Just my thoughts. Best wishes.