[clementine85]

Through this website I found my b'mom a few months ago. So far the reunion has been nothing but wonderful- emotionally heavy, but wonderful. However, I've been grappling with something pretty difficult since that same night.
My brother (adoptive) and I were adopted from different b'parents, both as infants. Well, when I found my own b'mom because of this site's registry, I did a search with his dates/info just out of curiosity. Well, his b'mom posted a few registry entries, and I've basically confirmed it is definitely her.
After much deliberation, as my brother is certainly not the one to talk about feeeeelingssss, I did tell him that there was this registry that existed and that I found my own b'mom through it- it was really easy to do, and free. I didn't feel like I had the right to throw the whopper that is, "And I found your birthmom on there, too" at him, since it kind of would open a pandora's box for him, uninvited. He said he had no intention of searching and never has. He was nice about it but totally dismissed it.
However, I still sometime see if his b'mom still has her registry entries up there; she does. Knowing- or inferring- how sad she may be not knowing anything about her b'son from 29 years ago... It really breaks my heart. I wish there was some way that I could let her know that he was doing alright, without violating my brother's right to privacy/not wanting to be found. But she just seems so desperate to find him... She knows nothing about his life, which was kind of confirmed by some of the q's my own b'mom asked me when we first emailed eachother. I wish I could give her some peace.
Any advice on what to do??? The registry search is SO easy to do, I honestly didn't expect to actually find his b'mom when I entered his info... Now I wish I didn't even know she was looking for him. I feel like there's such potential for healing on both sides to come from a reunion/re-contacting.

[SoniaRose]

If I am reading correctly, you have not told your brother that someone is looking for him? I think you should tell him what you found and give him time to think about it. It's possible that he may soften his stance if he knows that his bmom wants contact. The curiosity alone may just get to him.

My abrother also has told me that he has no interest in searching for his bfamily, but like you, I have casually poked around the registries looking for any entries for his birthdate and city. (I haven't seen any). If I had found something interesting, I would definitely let him know.

If your brother refuses to make contact, I don't think that it's your place to write the bmom. However, I definitely understand the need to let the bmom know that he is alive and well -- if I were in your shoes, I might eventually send her an email with all non-identifiable information (disguising your own identity with a new email address, etc.), explaining that he doesn't want contact, but giving her an update on the man he has become.

Hopefully your brother won't be mad at you for checking the registries -- you can tell him you entered his birth info just for fun and were so surprised to see his possible bmom. Good luck to all of you!

[Dickons]

Exactly what SoniaRose said...sometimes it is the fear of finding out no one is looking that stops us.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[EZ2Luv]

A similar thing happened when I did my search. The social worker helping me had my brother's information as well, but my brother declined.

My brother then shared that he had the information but has no desire to ever seach. I know not to push it.
As long as he knows the info is there if he needs it.

EZ

[bakerjw]

I found out that my birth mother was looking for me when I got a letter from Catholic Social Services. I called them and they told me that she was looking for me. It was overwhelming and I declined contact because I never had any desire to look for her. Time has changed that and now it is very important for me to find her.

Now go back to that day. My adopted sister and I have always been very close. She was 16 when I was adopted and I was inseparable from her. I guess she was close in age to my birth mother so I naturally gravitated toward her. Had she been the one to have told me that my birth mother was looking for me then I may have handled things very differently.

Are you and your brother close? I'd be very delicate about it but I would tell him. After finding out my wife hounded me for weeks about "my decision" when I really didn't have a decision to make. The last thing that I wanted or needed was to be pushed and I was being pushed. The ole horse to water metaphor. So tell him gently and leave it lay with that.

It is better that it come from someone that he knows and trusts rather than having an intermediary or PI show up one day to break the news. Give him a heads up.

Boy that was rambling wasn't it.
Glad your reunion is going good.

[KittyMay]

Exactly what everyone else is saying. Be honest and let him have the option of doing what he wants with the information. Dickons said it best "sometimes it is the fear of finding out no one is looking that stops us". For years I said "Oh no, I'll NEVER search". That stemmed from the unknown, the fact that I really didn't know what I'd find if I looked, or if I could handle it. I really don't know if I could have handled it if there was rejection, and rejection was probably one of the biggest factors in me NOT looking. Had someone handed me the info you have, half the battle of sitting dormant for years would have been over. Now that I am in reunion, it is a rollercoaster, but dang, I wouldn't trade this feeling for anything......It's a wonderful ride. Just be respectful of your brother's feelings on how he wishes to proceed. I'm pretty sure even if he doesn't want contact, he'll find a way to let his bmom know that he is ok. Please keep us posted.

[SoniaRose]

Glad to see that we adoptees think alike for the most part. However, no one has given an opinion as to whether or not clementine should ever directly contact her brother's bmom anonymously if her brother refuses. I have mixed feelings. On one hand, she should respect her brother's wishes, but on the other hand, there is a bmom out there who has no idea if her son is dead or alive. I honestly don't know what I would do in her situation. Hopefully her brother will decide to respond directly to his bmom, and she won't have to make that decision.

[bakerjw]

Good point Sonia. I think that once the brother knows, he should be encouraged to let her know that he is ok but that he isn't interested in a reunion at this point in his life. We all know how time changes things but at least she'd have some closure with her search rather than searching and searching, etc...

[Jillalan]

My take on this is yes, you should tell your brother that you found his bmom on the site. Then it's up to him whether he decides to contact her or not for a reunion/information or what have you.

IF, he chooses not to contact her, that opens an entirely different can of worms. You could ask him if it would be okay to tell her you're okay but don't want contact. If he says no to that, well anything else you do would be in direct conflict to what HE wants.

Looking at it from the bmom side, I'd be heartbroken not knowing, waiting to see if my child would contact me. From the adoptee side, I understand the being afraid to make contact, however, I was always curious to know 'who' I was.

I hope he does decide to contact her.

[KittyMay]

Clementine, I was just curious what you decided to do and how it is going? Many times we really become a part of the stories that are posted, and await the outcomes. Hope all is well.

[bakerjw]

Yeah. What Kitty said.