[Amandak249]

I've been in contact with the Catholic Charities for months now, since about April, attempting to contact my birthsister who was adopted as I was. My adoption was handled privately a few years later, and hers was handled by the Catholic Charities. I am 23 and my sister is 25.

The social worker told me she called my sister and that she would love to meet me.

After a month or so I called the charity to ask for an update, since I hadn't heard anything in weeks . The social worker told me that they had received a letter from my sister, but because it was addressed to the charity and not to me, she couldn't give it to me and had to speak to her supervisor to get permission to divulge to me what the letter entailed. She assured me that "it was going to happen" and that I shouldn't worry because my sister is excited to know me. They have to work within the boundaries of confidentiality laws, and I understand that.

That was 10 days ago... and I haven't heard anything back.

What is the proper " waiting " etiquette. I've been very good about not calling her, and waiting, but now I feel like things are going slower than they should be given that we are both consenting adults who want to know eachother.

I last spoke to the social worker on June 29th- when I called and she told me about that mysterious letter my sister wrote.

When is it okay for me to call again? 1 week? 2 weeks? a month?

[txrnr]

How cool she wants to find you! A few thoughts, the first being it is possible her supervisor, or even she, is on vacation, or they are covering for others who may be. It could even be your sister is, and they're trying to reach her. That being said, I don't think it's pushy to make a nice little reach out and ask call. I'm sure they're use to people being anxious in these situations.

My other thought is, can you write your sister and have the letter given to the agency (to the sister of your name)? Maybe that can beat their red tape confidentiality issues while giving you a step forward.

Good luck!

[Amandak249]

I already sent a letter to be forwarded to my sister, back before my sister even knew I existed! I had to send various documents to prove my identity biologically, which is a bit hard to do, but I sent over court docs, hospital records, ecc. and with it a prestamped envelope with a letter inside, just a "hello" letter sort of thing- a bit about myself etc.

Jennifer, my sister, was supposed to send in her own documents and a waiver of confidentiality, but instead just sent a letter? I'm not sure. I do know that said letter was most likely FOR me, but not addressed to me which makes me thing Jennifer has not received MY letter yet. It's confusing I'm not sure what's going on?


It could be that people are on vacation - I never considered that.

The social worker promised me that Jennifer was super excited and that it was " going to happen". She also told me that everything would make MUCH more sense once she was given the OK to fill me in. But of course the wait is making me crazy and my mailman must think I'm nuts because as soon as I hear the mailbox door slam, I run outside and grab the mail before the poor man can drive to the next house!


I'm not sure how long I need to wait before contacting them again to ask for a bit of an update. If I hadn't called before I would still be completely in the dark.

[sheababy]

I would call at least every other week. In my experience with Catholic Charities (I know the offices are all different) it took me months to get a response from them. I tried not to bug them and everytime 2 months went by the person I had talked to before was gone and I had to start all over with a new worker.

[wishfulthinker]

The squeaky wheel is the one that gets oiled ... I say don't be afraid to call.

[California_Chris]

I would drop a nice card in the mail to the social worker, on good stationery. People are so used to getting e-mail that a hand-written note can really impress them. Plus, if they pin it to a bulletin board or something, it's a physical reminder.

In the note you can just say you appreciate that her agency found your sister, and you respect the work that they do, and that you're looking forward to your reunion and speaking with the social worker soon.

[alphagal]

you need to call as much as you feel is necessary. just be sweet on the phone and they should assist you...from my experience with them. THEY MOVE LIKE SLUGS!!!

also, catholic charities loves to "hold" onto information. i made the choice to not involve them because they want to mediate which is really like meddling. i hate how they have information but won't give it to you just because. sorry just my past experiences.

good luck!

[California_Chris]

I agree, dealing with Catholic Charities is a very INVOOOOLVED process. We recently got non-identifying info from them, but they require that you arrange for an "adoption professional" in your area to sign off on receiving your packet for you, then you have to make an appointment with THEM to go over the redacted documents in person.

On the one hand...Fine, maybe they're afraid you're going to jump out a window or something if it all proves too much for you, and they want a professional there in order to cover their liability....but I think they just want to add another (expensive) step so that searcher/adoptees will get discouraged and just go away, leaving their files unchecked.

I called our state office for Social Services (or something) and they gave me a number for the local branch of government that approves adoptions, etc., and they were VERY nice and just went along with everything.

I said to the woman on the phone when she wanted more info at first, "You know what my dream is? That just ONCE when I call one of these million of numbers I've been referred to, the person says, Yes, I will help you."

She laughed and said, "Oh God, I know what you mean!"

Anyway, I sympathize!

[Amandak249]

Thank you all!

Well, unfortunately we have hit yet ANOTHER bump in the road. My sister and I are 23 and 26. We are working with a Catholic Charity in the state of our birth (neither of us live there now.) We both live in adoptive families.


We are both DIEING to know each other. We have both signed all the necessary paper work. This has been going on since March! We are both consenting adults. I thought that by our signing the necessary waivers, we would be put into contact.

But no.

NOW, I was just informed about a week ago that both of us have to meet with psychiatrists in our area who specialized in adoption and post adoption issues. The psychiatrist who speaks with us must then make a phone call to the Charity, speak to our caseworker, and then send a written summary of our meeting. If both the psychiatrist, mine and my sister's, and the Charity feel that we are " ready" for contact- then and only then will we be free to have direct contact (as opposed to the anonymous letter bull**** they've been putting us through for months.)


I already got my appointment and have met with the therapist. He called the CC, and is going to send his written summary and approval soon. I don't know how far into this process my sister is...


I think I am going to explode. My social worker KNOWS us by now. She KNOWS how much we want this. She has spoken to the both of us various times. All of this red tape is going to make me insane.

[Dickons]

Amanda,

After months and months of back and forth letters etc - that is wrong on so many levels...they are 'so concerned' about you being ready...I just cannot come up with polite words. Yet in the USA they say all citizens have the right to freedom of speech...

Really it boggles my mind what adoption agencies can get away with all in the guise of 'best interests of the child'...aren't you glad that as an adoptee we are forever a child? There is a current thread about another agency that is willing to accept medical history from birth family but cannot be bothered to contact the parents to relay that info and if the adoptee ever wants to get the info they have to pay a fee...so I suspect that you have had to pay fees, your sister has had to pay fees, you have to have counseling and pay the fees...all in the best interests of the child - you.

I would not be able to deal with it...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Jillalan]

Hi Amanda,

I'm 'chuckling' but not in a "I think it's funny" sort of way, more like here are your hoops - keep jumping through them till we feel you've done enough and then maybe we'll let you two sisters meet. GRRRRRRR

It is absolutely ridiculous and just one more way that we 'adoptees' are treated like morons.

What exactly do they think the shrink is going to figure out?

When I first started looking for my first son I was told I would have to attend sessions. Fine and dandy, but we live in different countries! They would have had to 'approve' a counsellor here. Then I was told that they would have to contact his aparents first - he was 35 at the time. (and if the parents said no?)

To cut a long story short, I hired a PI, found him and bypassed all that baloney - wrote him a letter and we had a wonderful relationship.

Wonder what wonderful "NON" adoptees I'll bet made these rules up? Idiotic to say the least.

Perhaps you should get the local paper involved - see if they'll write an article about the slowness and ridiculous rules that are being enforced.

HOPE you get to communicate with your sister VERY soon.

Jill

[Amandak249]

The funny thing is that out of ALL the letters I've written to my sister, and all the ones she's written to me, they have refused to forward them this WHOLE TIME because our VERBAL consent to know each other wasn't enough,...they wanted something written. Once we gave them written consent, now they are demanding this therapy session.

So far, without this therapy, all we are allowed to do is exchange letters through the agency. They open our letters ,read them, and cut out any and all "identifying" information.

I asked the social worker if this would FINALLY be the last step, and she said yes. After we are approved we can know eachother and the charity will "step out".


Yeah. We'll see. If, after this therapy stuff has been completed, we are still not given the contact information
we deserve and want- I'll have to re think my approach and go for something a little less orthodox.

[California_Chris]

Uggh.

The CC people we dealt with were pretty nice....interestingly, they had just last year started scanning old documents to keep on disk, and my mom's (the adoptee) was the earliest they had.

It was a good exercise in NOT trusting the "authorities", though, because first they said they didn't have any files going back that far....then when I asked them to check, they said "Oh! Look at this!" (There were about 20 pages of documents!)

I wonder how much money CC made off each adoption they handled; ie, what were the fees involved? And they continue to make money off the adoptee with the search charges. I think legally they don't want to jump in too enthusiastically in helping reunite people, because it would make it appear they are righting a "wrong".