[KittyMay]

I did it tonight. I made the plane reservations to travel to meet my bfamily. We've talked on the phone everyday for 10 days since I was found. My hands are trembling and my heart is pounding. I am so happy, but after reading some of the stories here, I am beginning to wonder are they mostly horror stories filled with pain? I have a wonderful time talking to my bmom in the evenings. Good time talking to my bsisters. There's no resentment on any sides here, but what is happening to me? Is it just because I'm reading so much pain in some reunion stories or should I brace myself for a hurt unlike any other? Any and all stories to help me prepare would be very appreciated....the reunion is in 2 weeks!

[jrainbow]

KittyMay,
Absolutely there are great reunion stories. And hopefully yours will be one of them. Reunion was a turning point in my life - giving me and bparents a peace we didn't even realize that we needed. There are marvelous stories out there - along with the ones that break your heart - but what that tells you is that each reunion is different.

There are a lot of books on reunion - I liked the reunion handbook. This will give you some ideas about reunion and maybe help you feel more prepared. Expect to feel nervous, scared, excited, and super sensitive until you actually meet. They don't call this an emotional rollercoaster for nothing. Try to keep expectations low and just enjoy what happens. Also, it helped me to have plans in place during the f2f and some time available by myself to process what was happening.

Congratulations on reunion and good luck on your f2f.
F2F is so exciting - and it is just the beginning of a relationship.

Jill

[JustPeachy]

I know there are several people on this board who have great reunions. Yes, there are also horror stories, or sad stories, but I would try not to attach yourself to those.

I know a number of birthmothers from my triad support group that have very nice reunions with their children, too.

I think the advice to keep expectations low and just go slow is good. And understand that you (or your birthmom) may get blindsided by some pretty strong emotions that can really throw you off base. I think if you don't allow time to process those emotions, that's where the difficulty can come in. Be aware of pullback on either side. It can happen, but I think a lot of the pullback has to do with struggling with those difficult emotions.

I remember one adoptee in a very good reunion was expressing how, out of nowhere, and with no apparent reason, she was just overwhelmed with anger. That was such a surprise to her, because she had never experienced such strong anger in her entire life. She processed this in the group and she knew it was something that she wanted to work through because she didn't want it to interfere with her relationship. It wasn't anger at her birthmom, but just anger in general. Some people might become very afraid of that type of emotion and instead of working through it, just shut down. So, in my opinion, if you have a good sense of self, if you can sit with difficult feelings and emotions and work through them, if you are comfortable processing these emotions with others or in a counseling situation, while it's not a guarantee of a successful reunion, it will certainly go a long way in making one. If you birthmom, and other birthfamily members have this in common (and other things in common), all the better. And finally, I think it is really helpful when everyone is on the same page, and of course, this includes your parents. My son and I are not yet in reunion, but over the years, I've communicated with his parents through semi-open adoption. I know it is important to my son that we are all on the same page and he doesn't then feel like he is stuck in the middle. It is not hard for me to do, because I have always liked my son's parents even though I really knew next to nothing about them when I placed (in those days, the agency selected the parents). Likewise, they have always treated me with nothing but respect.

Good luck to you and best wishes on meeting your birthfamily! And keep us posted!!!

[txrnr]

Keep in mind too, that some people come to message boards looking for answers, and once they have their happy reunion, they're off! They got what they needed, and have resumed life. (and there isn't anything wrong with that) I think it's easy to see a more dominant side of reunions so to speak on boards such as these, as many people are here because they still have questions, or issues they need help with. (and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that either)

There are of course, a large number of people here who are in great reunions, and they offer a great deal of insight and encouragement to the rest of us. I'd focus on them until you have your reunion.

[snuffie]

Oh, there are definitely happy reunions! I've been reunited with my 8 birth siblings for over 8 years and it is wonderful. Reunions do take a lot of work - there are ups and downs just like in any relationship. But in my case, it has been, oh, so worth it.

If you'd like to "chat" please private message me!

Snuffie

[RavenSong]

Dear Kitty,

You ask if all reunions are horror stories -- and I reply to you with a most emphatic NO, NO, NO. The vast majority of reunions that I've helped facilitate over these many years have resulted in the formation of positive, healthy, lifelong relationships. I had never heard of so many "horror stories" until I joined these forums a couple years ago.

As a previous poster pointed out, be prepared to find yourself experiencing unexpected, very strong emotions. This is so totally normal, but it does come as a shock. You may be feeling great with your birthmom one afternoon, and then later that evening find yourself seething with anger at having been relinquished. That is so normal and somewhat to be expected.

The "pullback" that Peachy talked about is normal, too. It happens for both sides of the triad. Rather than thinking of it as pullback, I believe it to be a time of evaluating new feelings, old feelings, experiences, etc. And sometimes, it's just a need for some space and breathing room.

I've been in reunion now for 19 years with my son. We've developed a very strong, healthy relationship. In fact, I don't even really like the phrase "in reunion". The reunion, itself, was a one-time event. The relationship we forged as a result of that reunion is a lifelong one. We very much are family nowadays, and like any family relationship, it has its up's and down's. When my son goes into "quiet mode", it's really not all that different than when my brother or I do the same thing with our mother -- sometimes we just need a little space. I thnk a lot of it is just family dynamics. (It's hard for me to remember my own advice when it happens, though, lol.)

Developing a relationship with your birth family has many of the same elements that come into play when developing any long-term relationship. You're going to be just fine...honesty, patience, willingness to forgive each other, active listening -- these are virtues that go such a long way in any relationship.

One other thing comes to mind... Chances are really good that your temperment and some aspects of your personality will be similar to your birth mother's. With that in mind, you might want to ask yourself how you would want to be treated if you do encounter any uncomfortable issues. I know that the times my son and I have gone thru conflicts of any kind, it always hits me like a ton of bricks at some point that he's reacting the same way I do. And that realization mostly results in my understanding the situation better. Does that make any sense?

[KittyMay]

Makes alot of sense. As a matter of fact my bmom has the same wicked sense of humor I do and other similar characteristics that I've noticed even though we lived in different states and had different family dynamics. Thank you. Reading everyone's responses has made me feel better about the whole thing. It also makes sense that people would be more likely to post about horrible reunions than happy ones as they probably do leave the forums after getting what they needed out of them. ((hugs)) to everyone and thank you again.

[Jo Ellen]

There are many happy reunion stories. The problem is many people don't want to hear about all the happiness so some in happy reunions quit sharing their stories. May I suggest to keep the communication open and honest and realize that every reunion will have ups and downs and that many emotions will play a big part in it as well..... why it is called a rollercoaster of emotions. Although this is a difficult thing to do if a person can keep from over analyzing everything that happens or is said things can go much easier. I have been reunited 3 1/2 years with my birth parents and other birth family and send best wishes for you and your birth family that you can share a great relationship together.

[JustPeachy]

I just wanted to add that I'm so excited for you and hope you will come back and share the details of your first face to face meeting!

[SuddenlySusan]

Hi, KittyMay...

My son and I found each other through this web site in Jan 2007 and had our first F2F in August 2007. Before we met, I asked for advice in the forums here and thought you might be interested in some of the advice I got:

Face to Face: Tips & Advice

Best wishes,
Susan

[KittyMay]

Just Peachy, Yes I sure will share the details. It will be 2 weeks from today....wow.

Susan, thank you for the link to the advice. I was also glad to hear how it went for you! I got some good ideas.

Anyone have any ideas of what I can take as a small gift for my bmom? I sure don't want to get off the plane empty handed for her. I'm going to make a small photo album and I'd like to take her something small for her to treasure. Thank you everyone, I'm feeling much better about this whole thing...

[SuddenlySusan]

On another note...KittyMay, many of us have had positive experiences with our reunions. I started a thread called "Big Love" about a year and a half ago and invited others to share their positive reunion stories.

I haven't posted an update for a long, long time, but we continue to make good progress, and the love continues to grow. I'll try to get an update written soon.

Basically, I think that if one takes the time and makes the committment to be patient, compassionate and forgiving, the reunion experience will be a worthwhile journey.

Check it out:

Big Love...

Best wishes,
Susan

[SuddenlySusan]

KittyMay...the most treasured thing that my son gave me was a photo album from age 5 days up until two months before I received the album. If you are bringing a photo album with you, I don't think you need to worry about another gift.

After all, the greatest gift to her will be your presence in her life.

PS: Don't forget to breathe!

Hugs,
Susan

[JustPeachy]

Anyone have any ideas of what I can take as a small gift for my bmom? I sure don't want to get off the plane empty handed for her. I'm going to make a small photo album and I'd like to take her something small for her to treasure.

I agree that your presence will be the best gift in the world, but if you want to add something to the photo album, I remember in one of my birthmom groups, one of the moms had gotten a necklace with a heart on it from her daughter. I thought that was really nice, because it was something she could wear and keep close to her all the time.

Maybe something like that would be good. A necklace or bracelet with a heart charm or pendant. Nothing too elaborate, and I think you could find something nice that is not terribly pricey.

I know I would really treasure something like that, especially if it was a simple piece that could be worn with anything.

[snuffie]

I think the necklace is a wonderful idea - or a bracelet. Something small and meaningfull.

As you know, my bmom had passed away a few years before. I did take a photo album along and my brothers and sisters and I spent hours looking at pictures. They had brought at least 5 albums and gave me pictures to take home!

On a funny note - I took cheese curds to my reunion. The brother who coordinated everything loves em!