[jyoc11]

Hi, my wife and I gave up our first born for adoption
back in 1991, I have located her a few towns over,
she is 18 now and out of high school. Should we contact
her??? Or is it best to see if she will contact us at some
point? We are not sure if she knows that she is adopted.
We just need a little advise.

Thank you

[Dickons]

If your daughter is only 18 she may or may not be ready to meet you, if she knows she is adopted. Have you searched the various free registries on the net (including this one)? Have you posted on the same registries?

Only you can decide but please try very hard (both of you) to think back to when you were this age and how you would have reacted. Not saying that your daughter will be an exact replica of how you were, but I am a very strong believer that personality and how we deal with things is genetic. If both of you would have been ready to either a) learn you were adopted from your birth family, OR b) ready to meet your birth parents you have known about all your life then - go for it...

Some will argue this point but at 18, I think you may want to talk to her parents and see what they think.

Whatever you do you must be prepared for the worst possible scenario because it does happen, and I imagine the pain of rejection of birth parents would be similar to the pain felt by adoptees when being rejected by birth parents.

I would like to suggest that you prepare a comprehensive medical health history so that whatever happens she has that to help protect her in the future.

Good luck,
Dickons

[bakerjw]

It's hard to give advice on when the right time to try to have contact with either birth parents of adoptees but just a few thoughts to keep in mind.

If she doesn't know that she is adopted and you are the ones to break the news to her, then she is going to be PO'd big time. At you, her adoptive parents, the world, etc... It is hard to tell how she will react and for how long but it may turn her and her families world completely upside down.

If she does know and is open to meeting you and your wife, be prepared for the one big question. "Why did you put me up for adoption and then stay together?" Her response may be unreasonable and highly illogical but it certainly will be emotional. Myself, I am not in that situation but from adoptees that post here and are in that situation, they usually feel very betrayed regardless of the good intentions.

The adoptive parents may be a bit hostile if you contact her directly too. They adopted her to raise as their own and care for her every need and may get the feeling that they've been nothing more than an 18 year babysitting service if you end around them. It is my opinion and only my opinion that contacting an adoptee shortly after their 18th birthday sends this kind of message to the adoptive parents. I see many posts by people making statements about waiting to contact their birth child as soon as they turn 18. It seems that there is little regard or concern as to whether or not the birth child is prepared emotionally for any contact. In the end it is about the adoptee.

I would register with all of the adoption registries and sign a waiver with the adoption agency that handled the adoption granting full disclosure of your contact information. I am sure each agency handles it differently but they should be able to assist.

I know that it is hard to hear, but my recommendation is to wait until she is older. If you have to initiate any contact, then I'd start with the birth parents. It is a very fine line to walk.

Best wishes and I hope this helps.

[jyoc11]

Thank you for your excellent advise, it is great to see things from a different perspective. By no means do we want to turn her world upside down or hurt her in anyway. We still want whats best for her now as we did 18 years ago. We will go the route of registries and possibly contacting the adoptive parents first. We did not go through an agency, but through a lawyer for the adoption. Thanks again, you have been a great help...

John

[imprttuner2]

"Not saying that your daughter will be an exact replica of how you were, but I am a very strong believer that personality and how we deal with things is genetic." ~Dickons

I couldnt have said that better myself. I am a huge supporter of genetic memory theory, especially after my younger sister met her birth parents. Now is not the time or place to get into that though.

My advice is going to echo the advice you've already been given though. I would contact her a-parents first. Let them break the news, and see how she feels about it. I think the connection would be much healthier if you went about it that way. They will respect you for recognising their role in you b-daughters life, and there will be less hard feelings.

Also, not to sound stalkerish, but have you checked myspace/facebook/twitter/etc... You may be able to mine some information out of there as well. I know very few 18 yo's that dont frequent one of those sites. May be worth a shot. I wouldnt attempt contact thru one of those, but it may satisfy some curiosity till you do hear back from them.

I'm also going to say this from an adoptee point of view. There is never a right time. There is always things going on. Life is far to short to wait for the perfect moment because chances are that you will be looking so hard for that moment that you will miss it as it flashes by. I started to talk to the agency that placed me 5 years ago, but stopped thinking that I would be intruding on their lives. Now 5 years later I find out that she's looking for me. What I'm trying to get is that you will just eat yourself up with curiosity if nothing else if you dont at least toss the question out there.

[feb171983]

I would register on the reunion sites, then wait a while.. maybe until she'd already be in college or handle news better. Or, write a "I think you might be the baby we ... If so, please feel free to contact us. .."

I don't think that I'd contact the a-parents. It's her decision.

[RavenSong]

John, all the previous posters have given you very wise advice. I feel it's really, really important to prepare yourself in advance for reunion -- in my case, that meant listening to the stories and experiences of young adoptees in a triad support group that I started attending a couple years before my son turned 18. Keep posting here, and listen, and share...so many people have been where you are right now.

I reunited with my son shortly after his 18th birthday. His was a closed adoption (1972), but through a series of circumstances, his parents were able to contact me thru the adoption agency when he was 14. For the next few years, we were able to correspond thru the agency, which acted as a third-party intermediary. By the time he was 16 or so, everyone pretty much assumed we would reunite as soon as he turned 18. Actually, I think his parents wanted him to meet me before then, but the laws in California during the late 1980's prevented it.

Reuniting with a teenager is a different ballgame, in my opinion, than with a full-fledged adult. Although your primary relationship will be with your daughter, I think it's really important to involve her parents in your reunion, especially if she's still living at home.

My son never went through the stage that so many reunited adoptees seem to go through about conflicted loyalties. And I'm convinced it's because his parents and I put a lot of effort into forming our own relationships. His folks and I never competed with each other in any way, and we treated each other with a lot of consideration and respect. It wasn't always easy...some days it was downright hard. But it was extremely important to me that our son not feel torn between his parents and me. Also, by communicating with his mom and dad, I think they were able trust me more easily and not be so afraid that I was going to rock their world upside down. And I think in the end, it made the whole thing easier for my son to deal with.

One thing I want to warn both you and your wife about is this... you may both suddenly find yourselves experiencing feelings and memories that you buried deep inside when you relinquished your daughter. I can't tell you how many times I've had birth moms tell me how all these unexpected feelings and emotions came to the surface when they reunited with their children. It's important, IMHO, that the grief and loss be addressed in a healthy fashion. That's why I almost always advise birth parents to emotionally prepare themselves before actually reuniting. For many of us, that means some type of therapy or support groups. If you're in need of any type of recovery, now is the time to do it...twelve-step programs have been a godsend for many of us.

Welcome to the journey of a lifetime...

[feb171983]

I wanted to add.. register with the state or agency, too. Maybe she's looking. How long has she been 18?

If she just turned 18, I'd wait a while. Let her get settled into college (or life) a little.

She might be living with her parents, still. So, I would see if she's on Facebook, on online registries, or if you can find an e-mail address. Don't say exaclty the details, just that you gave up a baby on 10-10-1990 (whenever) and that you are wondering if she might be that child. That way you're not breaking news, but asking.

I wouldn't send a letter to her house, unless you know she's not still living with her parents. I would definitely NOT contact her parents. As an adoptee, I would be TICKED if my birthparents contacted my parents-- instead of me-- if I was 18 or over. You don't know what kind of relationship that she has with them. And, if you contact them they might wonder if she's been searching. She'd have to have the awkward talk with them about whether or not she wants contact. Contact the (of age) kid directly. Give her contact details, and ask if she MIGHT be the one (without saying that she absolutely is). If she's interested, she'll e-mail/message back and ask more questions. It's HER decision when and IF she wants to tell her parents about her contact with you. Sure, the parents might be upset if she doesn't tell them, or that you contacted her, but this is about the kid (18+ or above) here, and not the parents. It's her call if she wants contact. I would try to make casual, non-dramatic online contact just asking if she might be the person you're looking for. Let her decide who (if anyone) to tell about her contact with you, and let her tell you directly. (Of course, you could have a relative, agency, or someone message her online if she has a social profile or public e-mail address so you don't have to hear the news directly.) Be aware that she may or may not be interested, and may not respond how you're hooping. She's young and may or may not be ready-- but that's up for her to decide, not her parents, I'd say.

[jyoc11]

I did find her on facebooks, I have been up in the air if I should send her an email or not. My other dilemma is of our other children and parents who we have been keeping this secret from for so many years. We are afraid of what they may feel as well. Our oldest is 16 and we are afraid that she will be so mad that we kept this from her. Any ideas how we can approach our children with this news? Thank you very much.. John

[Jensboys]

Originally Posted by jyoc11

I did find her on facebooks, I have been up in the air if I should send her an email or not. My other dilemma is of our other children and parents who we have been keeping this secret from for so many years. We are afraid of what they may feel as well. Our oldest is 16 and we are afraid that she will be so mad that we kept this from her. Any ideas how we can approach our children with this news? Thank you very much.. John

I was told at 16 that I had an older sister. I went through alot of emotions the least of which was feeling like I had been lied to my whole life, feeling displaced (being the oldest was important to me) and feeling like my parents couldnt be trusted. I think you need to spend alot of time explaining to your other children WHY you didnt tell them, that you realize it was wrong, that there are no other big secrets out there (that was huge for me) and that their place in your life wont change. I did NOT understand at that age how my mom could love a daughter she had never met as much as me. It made no sense to me at the age of 16. I wanted to be assurred that my place in her life was secure -- and the natural tendency during reunion is to obsess about the NEW child... I would encouarge you to still spend time with the children in the family - one on one if needbe. Dont force or expect a close relationship with them -- it will come with time, and some initial resentment is probably to be expected. I was also HAPPY about meeting my sister (and her kids) and we got along great - but those under currents of other emotions were definitely there. Today I am 35 and of course see things from a different perspective ... but at 16 its tough.

[loveajax]

I think Jen is really right on (I am an a parent and married to an adoptee....in both situations, my DD and DH are "secrets" from siblings). I also think that it may be better to tell the kids you have raised first and deal with that (maybe it will be no "big deal" to them, maybe it will, I don't know). To tell you the truth, I think it is hard for an adoptee to learn that they are a "secret" to other birth family members.

I can't tell you what the best is re: timing. It seems some adoptees would love to be contacted at 18. My husband went to the agency to put his name in in case his birth mom wanted contact after he graduated college (they have recently had email contact....he is 43). My SIL said she wanted to contact her birth mom when she was planning to have children herself. My BIL says he never wants to be contacted or reach out to his birth family. I just say all this to say even in one family, three people can feel differently about reunion.

I think most kids at 18 are trying to "break away" from their families and trying to live independently, etc. so it may be a hard time to try to reunite. It's really hard to know...but ultimately I think it is at least worth trying, with the understanding that she may not be ready (and the understanding of how hard it may for you, your wife or your other children to be patient).

Best of luck to you and your family!! I hope things go really well!

[jyoc11]

Thank you all for this great advise, my wife and I have a lot to ponder over and an extremely hard discussion to make. Again, Thank you...