[kelleyarmstrong73]

So...I'm not sure how to proceed next or just put the search on hold for a while.

My husband and I (the birthparents) attempted to contact the daughter we gave up for adoption in Nebraska in May of 1991. We sent a certified reserved letter in her name and it is in the process of being returned to us unopened: rejected from the post office. We believe the aparents rejected it; the age of majority in Nebraska is 19.

The terms agreed to at the time of adoption were that she would know of us, and that there would be an open exchange of letters and photos. This lasted about 3 months and then we didn't hear from them again. The once quite friendly aparents who had assured us the adoption would go a certain way pretty much cut us off after after everything was finalized. Attempts to contact them afterward were met with an abrupt tone. At this point I question if she even knows she was adopted.

Last year, thanks to the internet, we found that the family had relocated to the same town where it all began. We waited until after her birthday and subsequent (we believe) graduation from high school before attempting contact. All we want is to make sure she's happy and safe; something to reassure us that we made the correct choice.

Looking for some sage advice.

[bromanchik]

Have you tried facebook or myspace? She is 18 now so you can contact her directly.

Realize, however, 18 is not a magic age. If she doesn't know, you may be turning her world upside down. As far as stage of life she has hopefully just graduated high school, will be going to college in the fall and is just starting to be independant. (Although, if her adoptive parents are paying for college this process can take much longer.) Some can handle contact at this point, for others the loyalty to a-parents wins out.

I am truly sorry you were betrayed by her adoptive parents. They had to know the truth was going to come out sooner or later. Denial, however, can be a powerful thing.

[bakerjw]

18 is still young and very impressionable. And also, as we all know, an age of great drama. There are so many things going on in the life of a teen these days that it is hard to get hit with too many waves.

imho I'd give it a few more years. From what I've seen of other adoptees where their biological parents stayed together, there tends to be great resentment. It almost seems that the best scenario, if there is one, is that of a single mother with no support from the BF giving up her baby to a couple who will be able to give them a better life. It may not be the best scenario but it usually is the most forgivable. As an adoptee I will say that it is all about the adoptee and adoptees are the ones who have to forgive for any reunion or contact to be successful.

I just want to make sure that you understand that if you do ever have contact with her, the biggest question that she will have is "Why did you put me up for adoption and then stay together." It will only be compounded if you have other children.

I'd say just keep track of her on myspace, facebook, etc... and in the course of time, make contact when you may think that you are ready. If she doesn't know that she is adopted then there will certainly be a firestorm when she does find out. Another person on here is dealing with a 1/2 sister who was put up for adoption and just found out at a late age that she is adopted. The adoptee is lashing out quite a bit as would be expected.

You have a fine line to walk. The aparents are somewhat hostile and there is the unknown as to if she knows whether or not she is adopted. Just be careful.

Best wishes.

[kelleyarmstrong73]

Unfortunately I did (quite unrealistically) expect 18 to be a magic age; I can see now that after relations were severed that I put a lot of weight on finding her when she became an adult so we could explain the circumstances under which she was placed with her aparents.

It's a miracle that her birthfather and I stayed together all these years. I was a ward of the state when she was born and had no support whatsoever from my parents, extended family, my foster parents, or the court system. My now-husband's family was not in a position to help either. So under the threat of her being placed in foster care for years we decided to find parents who could give her what we couldn't at the time. After it was all over and I was released from foster care...well we struggled for years both emotionally and financially. Things are much, much better now but it hasn't been an easy journey by any means.

We've struck out at finding her on Myspace or Facebook so far but will keep looking. I think I just almost came to a point of panic - if they haven't told her she's adopted then we wonder at the lengths they've gone to conceal it. This wasn't what we wanted and with hindsight being 20/20 and all...

The last thing we want is to hurt her or further the gap between us. Thanks for the responses and perspective - they are truly appreciated.

[kelleyarmstrong73]

I took a little time to sit back and look at the situation logically from all sides before attempting contact again.

Given the agreement made at the time of the adoption (photos & updates, her being raised with the knowledge that she was adopted) I decided to call the adopted mom and let her know that we wanted to establish contact. My instincts told me that E. had never been informed...however I believed if she had been raised as agreed then the fact that we exist should not come as a total shock.

The amom spoke with me for about 10 minutes and confirmed that E. has no knowledge that she was adopted at birth. She said that there has never been a good time to sit her down and tell her, but that they have had discussions around friends who were pregnant and hypothetical situations regarding adoption.

The amom said that she wants the news to come directly from her, and that some time "in the future" she plans to tell E. that she was adopted. She did not correct me when I reminded her of our original agreement, she just kept saying there had never been a good time to tell her.

I go back to our original agreement; if she hasn't found time in the past 18 years to tell her then why should I expect that she will inform her in the near future? I let her know that we're not a threat to her bond with E., but that there can't be too many people in the world who care about you, and that E. has the right to know the rest of her story. I hold on to the promise the amom made and that's what keeps hope alive.

So I guess it's sit back and wait time again. I'm sure the amom believes what she's doing is right for E. I am not completely shocked (my gut told me E. didn't know) but I am dismayed to find our agreement was never upheld. She took down my number and agreed that when E. was told that she would be provided with the information. Ok...

I feel like her birthfather and I are a dirty little secret. Surprisingly I'm not a crumpled mess on the floor, but maybe that will come later. This really is quite the emotional rollercoaster.

[gigglessa]

Good luck. I hope you get to meet your daughter soon. I am sure this is really hard for you to bare. Maybe her amom will try to have the courage to tell her that she has another set of loving parents. Good luck. I hope that your reunion is successful.

[TxMom65]

How unfair. That word doesn't even convey what I'm thinking.

[JustPeachy]

Wow. I can't believe your daughter was never told! I always thought keeping an adoption secret was from the old days way back when, but especially since the agreement they made was to tell your daughter she was adopted, how could they not? They have ultimately done your daughter such a disservace by not raising her to know the truth about her own life. I'm sorry you are going through this and I'm sorry for your daughter, too. And this is just my personal opinion, but it doesn't sound to me like your daughter's mom is planning to tell her any time soon. If she couldn't find the right time in 18 years, it's only going to be harder now. My guess is, she'd rather keep it secret and she can always find one excuse or another for NOT telling her, i.e. "18 is such a hard age, she's still in school, she has enough drama in her life, etc." I get the feeling amom is stringing you along for now.

[SuddenlySusan]

I feel for you...and I can't imagine being in your position. I'll probably get flamed for this, however... I think I'd be having another phone call with the amom.

You deserve to be treated better than this. I think a date needs to be set, otherwise...well, like you said...if the amom couldn't find a good time in the past 18 years to tell your daughter she was adopted -- knowing full well that she had agreed to do so -- just WHEN will a good time be?

If the amom can't bring herself to do the honorable thing, suggest that she arrange a counseling session and have a therapist help her through it.

And, you might consider setting a definitive date for you and your husband to meet with the aparents and work out your issues before you meet your daughter. It is unfortunate that the aparents betrayed you, but it would be best for your daughter if she wasn't put in the middle of this.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are being treated in such an undeserving manner. My son's amom told him at a young age that he was adopted...she also told him everything she knew about me. When I read about situations such as yours, I become ever more grateful that she was a woman of honor.

Best wishes,
Susan

[kelleyarmstrong73]

JustPeachy: What you said about being strung along? That was exactly what I gleaned from the way things were worded during our conversation. I definitely didn't get the feeling they planned to really tell her anytime soon, and I think they could have gone the rest of their lives without telling her and they would have been fine with that.

I am glad I made the call if for nothing else than to know where we stand. And I'm glad she didn't just hang up on me like she very much could have. Other than that, it's devastating

I can't imagine how E. will take the news if/when they ever decide to tell her. All those years with every adult around you knowing but you have no idea. This was never what we wanted for her.

[bromanchik]

I could not have said this better. This girl deserves the truth.

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I feel for you...and I can't imagine being in your position. I'll probably get flamed for this, however... I think I'd be having another phone call with the amom.

You deserve to be treated better than this. I think a date needs to be set, otherwise...well, like you said...if the amom couldn't find a good time in the past 18 years to tell your daughter she was adopted -- knowing full well that she had agreed to do so -- just WHEN will a good time be?

If the amom can't bring herself to do the honorable thing, suggest that she arrange a counseling session and have a therapist help her through it.

And, you might consider setting a definitive date for you and your husband to meet with the aparents and work out your issues before you meet your daughter. It is unfortunate that the aparents betrayed you, but it would be best for your daughter if she wasn't put in the middle of this.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are being treated in such an undeserving manner. My son's amom told him at a young age that he was adopted...she also told him everything she knew about me. When I read about situations such as yours, I become ever more grateful that she was a woman of honor.

Best wishes,
Susan

[JustPeachy]

Ditto what SuddenlySusan said. I was hesitant to say anything, but I think I'd be having another conversation with amom, too. The longer this goes on, the worse it will be for your daughter.

I'm wondering if push comes to shove, if you should consider seeking her out when she is 19, and just let her know yourself. I know that is a huge landmine, though, and I'm not sure how crucial it is that she hears this news from her mom. I mean, what if her mom NEVER tells her? Maybe some adoptees can chime in here. If your amom never told you, would you want your bmom to seek you out and tell you??

I am sorry, kelly, that you are going through this. I would be devastated, too.

Again, I'm so sorry that you are being treated in such an undeserving manner. My son's amom told him at a young age that he was adopted...she also told him everything she knew about me. When I read about situations such as yours, I become ever more grateful that she was a woman of honor.

My son's mom was the same way and I couldn't agree more with your sentiments in this regard. They also kept a semi-open arrangement with me his whole life, even though this was not something agreed upon formally at the time of adoption. I can't fathom being cut off after a promise was made, but I especially can't fathom not letting a child know they were adopted!

I know in many cases, adopted children who aren't told suspect something nevertheless. In some cases, they even know, perhaps finding out through other people. Maybe your daughter has an inkling and it won't come as such a shock to her. We can only hope...

[MassachusettsMom]

Hi! An a-mom here. My heart breaks for you, but most of all for your daughter. I know there are adoption-friendly therapists and organizations out there who could help your daughter's a-mom find a way to tell her daughter the truth and provide support for your daughter in processing having been lied to for her entire life. Could you locate one of those in your area and pass the info on to the a-mom?

[bakerjw]

The adopted parents need to be the ones to let her know that she is adopted if for no other reason than because it's the right thing to do. And I can almost guarantee that the one to catch the wrath of that poor girl will be the one who tells her that she is adopted.

As has happened before (many of us here have talked with others in that position) she will probably lash out at everyone and at everything in a major tantrum (for lack of a better word). If you go and tell her that she is adopted, then the chances of a meaningful relationship or reunion are greatly diminished. You are a total stranger to her right now. Imagine how you would feel if a total stranger came and told you something that would tear apart your belief in your family?

It is unfortunate that her world will be turned upside down and I feel for the turmoil that she will be dealing with. Once that settles and she comes to grips with the situation and deals with her feelings toward her adopted parents will you stand a good chance becoming part of her life.

With all of that in mind I have to stand by my original advice now more than ever. Give her more time. And keep in touch with her adopted mother and hold her feet to the fire. If push came to shove though , I would not tell her. I defer back to the stranger analogy. You could set yourself up to be made the bad guy and once that label is applied it is hard to get rid of.

Of course her adopted parents love her very much. I think that is why adoptive parents don't tell their kids. They think that if they tell them that they may lose them and they don't want to lose what they love so dearly. If she were to ever ask you how they could do that, then give her that explanation or something similar. Even though they screwed up, let them save

The good news is that she will probably want to know more about you when she finds out that she is adopted. Especially if her adopted mom tells her that you came looking for her and that is why they ended up telling her. There's just going to be a lot of healing to be done over the next few years.

I certainly feel for you and you have my 100% support in this hard situation.
Best wishes.

[txrnr]

I'm an adoptee, and I to put it bluntly, this situation just sucks. I can't imagine not being told. I grew up always knowing, which was nice.

That being said, my thoughts are that many (but by no means not all) kids at 18 are trying to become independent, not add new parents. There is no way if I were in your shoes that I would be the one to tell her at this age. (once again, just my opinion, I may be dead wrong) I have a great family, but when I graduated high school I couldn't wait to leave for college and be on my own. The world was still all about me and what I wanted. I think bakerjw is right, if you tell her, she'll always remember the pain of that moment and not how happy she was to reunite with you.

Her parents obviously, and unexcusably let you down. No question there. I just hope that the rest of your dreams for E have come true, that she's happy, and had a good life. If that's true, I hope you can forgive them, and realize that overall, they did what they thought was best for your daughter, and she was happy. That's all anyone wants in the end. And for the record, the forgiveness part is for your benefit, not theirs. Chance's are, E loves them very much, and it will only help if you aren't resentful towards her folks. ( a tall order in this case, I know)

Good luck!! I hope the parents tell her soon. Knowing you are out there, and that you haven't forgotten will hopefully motivate them.