[CathrynAnne]

Update #3:

My original thread can be found here:

Found sister after 46 years... now what?

Well, things have moved along pretty quickly since the last time I posted. We did end up sending a long email to the amom almost 2 weeks ago, almost pleading with her to tell her daughter she's adopted. As of today, we’ve received no reply. Also, a week or so ago my mom decided to finally discuss the situation with my dad. My sis and I put together a binder of every bit of correspondence that had transpired up to this point (FB messages, emails to/from amom, etc.) We even included the Adoption Poem and a lot of the viewpoints from this very forum, to help them understand the importance of telling my hsister.

Well… dad did not take it well at first. He didn’t even look at the binder. His opinion was “She should hear it from no one else but her amom… period.” Sis met with him that night and after an hour or so, he agreed that (1) she needed to know; (2) that he’d always wanted to find her, but didn’t pursue it due to the “promise” that was made between the two moms so long ago. He said he felt hurt that we hadn’t included him in the search. He also cried and said that he felt we had blamed him all these years; that we thought he'd "forced" my mom to give her up (so not true!) So basically… he is now on board and more than willing to help us! He'll even help her find her bio dad, if she wants. It’s tough to get around the old-fashioned viewpoints he still holds, but we try to remind him that times have changed since 1963.

We put together the bulleted list of important points we needed to make and were all set to make the call to amom this past weekend… when hsister wrote to us and said she’d be seeing her folks again this weekend (holiday weekend), and she’d probably be writing to us from her folks’ house. She also freely gave us her home address because we had told her we wanted to send her some memories/souvenirs from where she grew up (we still live here). Of course, we had to postpone the phone call because we had a feeling this might be THE weekend she finally finds out, and wanted to give the amom another chance. Well, it’s now Monday and we haven’t heard a word, so she very well may have been told and is just trying to digest everything. OR... she may know nothing. We’ve decided if we don’t hear anything by tomorrow night, we’ll be making the call to amom on Wednesday.

To keep ourselves occupied, we went over to our mom’s and sorted through the tons of pics, adoption papers, and a beautiful letter that amom sent to my mom back in 1993. It looks like she sent my mom original childhood pics of my sister (very generous of her) and her letter to my mom was nothing but honest and loving. She sounds like just a very sweet, softhearted lady, and I can only imagine how hard this is for her, especially because she’s the same age as my mom and probably has the same old-fashioned views. We’re trying everything we can to help her with this. I hope she sees it that way.

Mentally, we’re getting ourselves prepared to write the letter, in case the phone call doesn’t work. Now that we have her correct home address, that will be easier.

My next question: Any tips on how to write the letter to hsister, from my mom?

[Dickons]

CathrynAnne,

It sure sounds like your hsister knows the truth...and really wants her mom to tell her but also wants backup - why else would she give you so much info? Waiting is the hardest part...not knowing what is happening, if it happened, how she is doing...just plain old hard.

As to the letter from your mom...I would just be honest and start off something like...I have imagined writing this letter a thousand times and still do not know what to say except that you have always been in my heart and I hope the decision I made so many years ago was the right one for you...Once your mom starts and gets past the opening it will flow the way your mom talks.

Fingers crossed that it works out well for all.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[CathrynAnne]

Wow - where to begin?

I'll start by saying that from now, I'll call my hsister "P":

My mom made the call to P's amom yesterday morning. They spoke for about 20 minutes or so, and amidst the small talk about what each has been up to, mom was very firm in telling amom that her daughter finally needed to be told of her adoption; it had been too long. Amom said she had gotten together the papers to tell her this past weekend while she was visiting, but there was always too many people around (it was a b-day party for her dad). They also had other family drama going on with P's son. I was so proud of my mom. Although she didn't get around to all of the bulleted points we put together (thanks, Dickons!!), she stated more than once that she needed to know; that we'd give her another week or so, and then we'd be sending "the letter". We already had the letter written and ready to go.

Fast-forward to last night and I'm cruising around on FB. I happen to see P online. I thought it was weird because it was awfully late on her side of the country, but I figured since her mom hadn't told her, I could just ask her how her long weekend was. At first she didn't reply, so as I was about to sign off she replied that she was just "hanging around" and that she "heard the news". Silently hoping, I asked "Which news?" and she replied "Who I am." I froze, not knowing where or how to proceed with this. Not going to rehash the entire conversation (which only lasted about 15 minutes), but I asked if she was okay, and told her how happy we were to find her. As expected, she's very confused, a bit angry, and every other adjective you'd expect to describe this situation. Though she shot out some pretty harsh statements towards me, she also apologized for my being the one who got "blasted" by her. She said she's just very blunt sometimes (oddly, so am I, so it's ironic that she got ME on the other end of this conversation.) The very first question she asked was "Who is my father?" My mom's never discussed that part with me, but I told her my folks would be more than happy to help her find him, if she so chose. Then she asked "Who is your mother?" I explained who my/our mom was. She got a bit testy when I mentioned that we all adored her mom and had no ill feelings toward her for waiting so long to say anything, because we understood how hard it was. She basically said "We should be the ones with ill feelings. You guys disrupted our lives." Which, basically, is true. I apologized if she felt that's what it was, when that wasn't the intent at all. She then commented "Don't be sorry, honey - you didn't give birth to me." I kind of took that as a dig about my mom, but then again, she didn't know the whole story about the past communication between both our moms, or the circumstances of the relinquishment. I let all of that slide. Every single one of her feelings is justified, and she could've done a lot worse than throw a few semi-negative comments my way.

Then... she asked if my mom could call her. Since it was so late her time, I told her mom would absolutely call her the following day, and she said she wanted to talk RIGHT THEN. My eldest sis rushed down to be with our mom; I got P's number and mom called her right away. From what I'm told, since I wasn't there, mom was just wonderful with her; very kind, loving and reassuring. I was soooo proud of her! She answered a few questions about her bdad (I think P knows more about some stuff than I do now), and then P had to answer her other line. It was her amom telling her to "be nice and mind your manners" when talking with my mom. How sweet is that? Then P called my mom back and talked a bit more. We discovered that a big part of her anger is the importance of knowing who one's father is. It's a big issue in her family with her own children. She's always let her oldest girl know who her daddy is, and I guess knowing that her parents kept that from her was painful. P also spoke briefly with my eldest sister and my sis told her "If this is the last time we ever speak, I'll understand. And if you don't want us to Facebook you anymore, or for a while, that's fine, too." P said, "No, Facebook is fine." Then she had to hang up and go to sleep. But she did say she'd be talking with us again.

I cannot express the load that has been lifted from my shoulders - just knowing that she now KNOWS and can get some answers. I know she's probably agonizing about all of this. Amom said when she told her, she cried and asked if Amom and Adad still wanted to keep her. She said that she may not be too receptive right now, but she's sure she'll come around eventually. Since P wants to know more details about her bdad and possibly locate him, I'm sure she'll be back in touch. And the fact that she hasn't cut us off from FB is another positive sign.

Oldest sis is taking this a bit hard. She said she's "feeling her pain". I told her there's no way she can actually feel the pain P is feeling, but that I know she's empathizing with her and wants to make sure she's okay. I told her right now she just needs her space to digest it all, so we need to give it to her. And in my heart (and I think my mom's, too), we've climbed a mountain. Two months ago we had no idea where she was, and now my mom got to talk to her bdaughter for the first time ever; and my sis and I got to chat with her a bit.

I sincerely want to thank ALL of you for listening to my story and giving me such wonderful advice. I do not think this would have gone as smoothly as it did (though the end was a bit of a snowball!), without your help.

I expect the roller coaster to continue, but here's hoping to happy endings!!

[bakerjw]

Wow. That is a lot happening in a very short time. Although I am glad that "P" now knows the truth, it is difficult to think about the inner turmoil that she must be feeling.

It will be a roller coaster and I am sure that she will lash out at a lot of people and am surprised that she took it as well as she did.

Keep us posted and all of our best wishes!

[CathrynAnne]

Oh yes, I'm very surprised she took it as well as she did. I'm going to err on the side of caution and attribute it to the shock of it all. The news was only a few hours old when I spoke with her online. I'm sure the actual anger and lashing out will occur very soon, and to many people, and may last for quite a while. I'm very much expecting some of it to be directed at me and my sister, too. No matter how good people's (our) intentions are, not everyone sees it that way. But that's okay. We're all trying to protect our mom's in this, so although we've never said a cross word about her amom, I still expect harsh words to be said about my mom. We'll just see how long that lasts, or HOW harsh it gets...

Baker, thank you very much for your honest opinions and helpful advice. Funny how the word "honesty" has been foremost in my vocabulary lately.

Will keep you all posted.

[Dickons]

I am glad it went as well as it did. Time for you now to read about reunions and the rollercoaster you will be on for a while.

Cannot imagine what "P" is going through...hard, hard and harder to try to imagine. But she now has another gift besides you guys...she can have a valid medical history instead of her adoptive parents family medical history...

All the best and it will work out.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[CathrynAnne]

Thank you, Dickons. In fact, we're going to work on the family medical history thing this weekend, and have it on hand for her. Fortunately, there aren't a lot of MAJOR health concerns (cancer, etc.) for her to worry about on my mom's side. Nothing that can't be treated with medication, anyway. Her adad has diabetes, and this may sound weird, but at least she won't have to worry about that. Well, not on our side, anyway.

I absolutely cannot even begin to fathom what she's going through, and I won't even pretend that I do. We've had almost 20 years to deal with our mom's secrets; she's had less than 24 hours. I do hope that one day she will come around and know that instead of being an only child, she now has 7 siblings and umpteen million nieces and nephews. (Or, may that be a bad thing? Some days I wish I was an only child. haha)

[Dickons]

It's going to take some time and during that time she will go through alot of emotions. It may help you to read the threads of late discoveries...to get a better understanding of what she may (or not) go through.

As to the history you are creating...
Create a pyramid for each side of your moms family and list grandparents, then aunts/uncles/mother, then your siblings as the bottom of the pyramid. Under each person list everything, arthritis, gall bladder, endometriosis - all is relevant to the doctor. Include the age or approx age (i.e. 20's) at onset of each disease as that is very important and finally age at death. Finally you should include lifestyle issues such as smoker, never active etc as they also play a part in disease.


Cheers!
Dickons

[CathrynAnne]

WOW!! Great info! Since my mom is an only child, that part should be fairly easy. The harder part is finding her bio dad and getting his information. We have a name and where he used to live. I even googled his name and found someone with his name, but it was a "III", so it could be a grandson, going by the age. My dad has graciously offered to help with that part, since it involved the military.

Funny you should mention the "late discovery" threads - those were the very first ones I looked into when I came to this site! That put into motion the "she HAS to find out soon" stance we took.

Crossing fingers (and eyes, and toes...)

[CathrynAnne]

Not a whole lot has happened since we last spoke with my sister "P". Older sis did speak with amom on Friday, and had a wonderful hour-long conversation with her. She's welcomed us like we were her own family; told us to call her and come visit her anytime we want. She also told us a lot about "P"'s problems in the past (lots and varied), and said she was really upset now, but she'd come around eventually. Amom just a delight, I tell you! The things she says and the way she acts are SO much like my own mom, it's frightening. At first she and her hubby weren't sure it should be done, but afterward, they agreed it was the best thing and they are both so happy it's over with. She told her "Absolutely nothing has changed! I'm still your mom; you just have a bigger family now!" Apparently, "P" used to always say how she wanted lots of siblings... now she tells her mom "I don't need any sisters!" She also reminded P of a point in time after she had her own kids where they had drawn up papers for amom and her hubby to actually adopt those kids because P couldn't take care of them. (They ended up not going through with it, but it showed her that she, too, had issues with that in the past and had her own reasons for considering adoption.) Quite interesting. Amom also told her, "You know what? Everyone lied back then. You think those kids" (meaning me and my siblings) "weren't lied to, too? People did things for their own reasons, their mom and me both, and none of them were done to purposely hurt anyone. We did the best we could, and you need to understand that." So, I hope now is just her time to reflect...

My next question is: Do we just sit back now and wait for her to contact us first (if she ever decides to)? If so, how long do we wait? I've happened to see her online a couple of times since then, but I haven't said anything because I want her to be comfortable enough to come to us first. Would it be improper to wait a couple of weeks and then drop her a note? Or, should we just leave her be?

Considering her first question was "Who's my father?" I have a feeling she'd contact us again regarding that issue, but that would be kinda cold to my mom, who brought her into this world. "I don't care about you... who's my dad?" But I guess we'll see.

"Rollercoaster" doesn't even begin to describe the emotions we're going through, although I must admit that of all people, my MOM is taking this all the best. LOL!

[CathrynAnne]

She emailed me tonight with a ton of awful, horrible things to say about my family, so I think her intentions (or lack thereof) about reunion are very clear. I'll post back if/when things change, but I seriously doubt they will. I feel a little bit of and

[bakerjw]

She's most likely just lashing out at you and everyone around her that she feels is responsible for her emotional discomfort. i.e. Take the emotional roller coaster that you feel and magnify it several times and that is what she is feeling.

Rarely can reunions survive if things are rushed so just give it time, bite your tongue, let things float for a bit, and hope that she comes around. I know it is easier said than done, but it's the only advice that I can give.

It seems that you have the Amom on your side so that is a good thing too. She knows that your family has the best intentions for her daughter.
Best wishes.

[Dickons]

I'm so sorry...she is going through a terrible shock right now and lashing out is common. If you can please consider responding that you will be there if she changes her mind. That is probably the only advice I can give you that you let her know the door is still open.

So very sorry but she may change her mind.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[CathrynAnne]

Thank you both (my adoption.com Forum Angels!)

I'm still trying to sew my head back on after the tongue-lashing I got last night (again, I bore the brunt of her anger), and to be completely honest, my compassion stores at this particular moment are running very low. Big sis, bless her heart, still has some in her. We've both agreed, though, that it's just too hard to see her online and not be able to speak with her (which makes us never want to go on at all). We also don't want to keep seeing the hateful comments she's posted lately. She's going to email P back today to say just what you said, Dickons: "Just wanted to give you a heads-up that because we want to give you your space, and it's extremely difficult to see you online and not be able to talk to you, we will be taking ourselves off your friend list for the time being. However, should you ever change your mind and desire to get in touch with us you have our email addresses and my mom's phone number. Your mother also has my phone number." That might sound a bit abrupt and harsh, but we tried the compassion route and our kind words (which she claims were never thought out before they were written) were only thrown back in our faces with very hateful comments.

So... we're done, and we will see what the future holds.

[dpen6]

Cathryn,

I am sorry it has eneded up this way for now...but I am not suprised.

Imagine finding out that you really not who you thought you were, finding out that everyone knew that but you, your 2 mothers have been talking about you(I would feel very much the fool), and you as an adult had no clue. Knowing that all these people...strangers really...have all this personal information about you and you are suppose to be HAPPY?

Then there is another family who want to meet , right at the most vunerable, raw time of their life.

Now, that does not mean youy have to be her puching bag....but I would definietly tell herthatas much as you could not possibley totally get her place, you can understand how it would not be good to communicate.

If you can't go on line when she is so be it...she is hurting in the most primal way right now. She is NOT going to be thrilled about learning about new found family, she is dealing with trying to figure out herself. Unfortuantaly she may never comeo ut of it...hopefully there is someone in her life that she can trust.

Again, I am very sorry this is happening to all of you...it is not pretty .