[CathrynAnne]

Hi dpen6-

Believe me, in no way, shape or form did we ever expect her to be HAPPY. We expected hurt, confusion, anger and all of that. We expect it to last a while, too. I did not include here all that she said in her email to me, but there were things said that were simply downright CRUEL and unnecessary, that I'd rather not repeat. She even admitted that her family would not agree with the way she was speaking to me, as she was apparently raised to be polite to people.

Remember, my siblings and I were told for 20+ years that my sister was dead... only to find out she was alive and (apparently) well. We easily could have lashed out at our parents, but chose not to. I understand that everyone handles things differently. The way I would've probably handled it (not replied to back at all, or just said, "I don't want to talk now. I will contact you if/when I feel like it.") is different from how others would handle it. Neither is the "right" way - just different.

We will not be contacting her anymore. It would do no good because anything we say she will misconstrue and turn it around into something ugly. And you used the perfect description: "punching bag". That's how I felt, and I wasn't even freakin' ALIVE when she was born. Anyway, we've left the door open for her to do so if/when she wants to. You're right -she may NEVER want to, and that's okay, too.

Thanks, as always, for taking the time to reply to me. It's always much appreciated.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by CathrynAnne

Hi dpen6-

Believe me, in no way, shape or form did we ever expect her to be HAPPY. We expected hurt, confusion, anger and all of that. We expect it to last a while, too. I did not include here all that she said in her email to me, but there were things said that were simply downright CRUEL and unnecessary, that I'd rather not repeat. She even admitted that her family would not agree with the way she was speaking to me, as she was apparently raised to be polite to people.

Remember, my siblings and I were told for 20+ years that my sister was dead... only to find out she was alive and (apparently) well. We easily could have lashed out at our parents, but chose not to. I understand that everyone handles things differently. The way I would've probably handled it (not replied to back at all, or just said, "I don't want to talk now. I will contact you if/when I feel like it.") is different from how others would handle it. Neither is the "right" way - just different.

We will not be contacting her anymore. It would do no good because anything we say she will misconstrue and turn it around into something ugly. And you used the perfect description: "punching bag". That's how I felt, and I wasn't even freakin' ALIVE when she was born. Anyway, we've left the door open for her to do so if/when she wants to. You're right -she may NEVER want to, and that's okay, too.

Thanks, as always, for taking the time to reply to me. It's always much appreciated.

I don't blame you for npot wanting contact at this time.

But to compare knowing about her as opposed to being her is apples and oranges. This is totally about her as it was her lifethat was impacted. She is theadoption, whereas for you it was an outskirt of the adoption. You were still brought up with your mother, your mother at least gave you the respect of telling you about a sister...this woman has to deal with being told that she was not worthy of being told, that she is NOT biologically her family that she thought she was..she has to deal with the fact that nobody cared enough about herto tell HER who she really is.

I treally get how most people don't truly understand thatas I see it happening all the time. I see it happening with egg donation, sperm donation to The very people that helped someone "grow afamily" "make me mommy and daddy,"The very people that are the cause of pain and sorrow for birthmothers are not given the respect to be told who they are...it might hurt theothers in this adoption world....its fustrating at minumin...extrem;ly hurtful and devasting . You feel like just a symbo;l, and object..nota real person.

Like I said, you don't need to be her punching bag. but neither is sheableto be a sister to anyone at this time. She needs to process anddigest whatthe heck just happened...and yes...at this point is is about her. She is the adoptioon.

I know when I was going trough the adoption reunion...My bbrother was the ONLY one that said "This is about you, you can take it as slow as you want....." I know idea atthetime on how that validated me as I wasso worried about hurting everyone else....nearly was sick about it. And I had known I was adopted my whole life but still was very distressed about everyone else! I was the one adopted, My life was the most impacted and I was sick about everyone else.....I see a huge problem there.

Unfortuanly, you are asymbol of her pain even tough you were not born, you were kept she wasn't. The amount of betrayel she is probaly feeling is unimaginable. Everything she thought to be true is all a big lie. Sheis not goingto trust to many people at thispoint and I can't blame her.

Like Isaid, Iam sorry ....hopefully she will get help to movebeyond thi9s pain she is esperaincing and it does't suck her into a vortex

[bakerjw]

Just hang in there and remember that even the roughest seas will calm eventually.
Best wishes.

[CathrynAnne]

Hi Everyone-

I promise, this one will be short (unlike my other messages - haha). Well... shortER, anyway.

Needless to say, P is still very angry. However, she did call my mom this afternoon and they talked for about a half hour. I don't know everything that was said, other than she's angry with my mom, my sis and I; and that she said she would not have had a problem finding out all of this after her mother had died. AND... she's determined to find her birthdad. My mom said we'd try to get in touch with him as best we could.

I am puzzled because she has an entire birthfamily here, yet the only person she wants to know about is the father who does not even know she's alive. (Literally - mom told him she'd died at birth.) Now, I feel she absolutely has the right to know him, and my mom did promise her we'd try to contact him (mom sure has some 'splainin' to do now!) I just feel bad because at the moment I feel like she's using my mom just to get this information. That is my opinion, only, and I sure hope I'm wrong. Maybe for her that's the "starting point" and then she can move on to the rest of us, if she so desires?

Does anyone have any insight into this? What she *might* be thinking?

Thanks very much.
-Cathy

P.S. I guess one good thing is that after her phone call this afternoon, she took down the not-very-nice message she had posted on her FB wall asking why people are "mean".

[bakerjw]

What she says about not having a problem finding out about being adopted after the death of her mother and the reality of people that have faced finding that they are adopted after the death of adoptive parents are night and day. IMHO the grass is definitely greener on her side of the fence.

Just a thought.
A lot of it could be racially based. If I remember correctly your mom is white and her biological father is black. For her entire life she's been raised by black parents. Finding out that half of her birth family is not black may have added another variable to the equation. Perhaps her birth father is deemed to be more important to her because she thinks that she can relate to him more easily on a cultural level.

I think that she is still throwing a tantrum which certainly is justified. Things will calm eventually and hopefully you'll be viewed as siblings but it will take time.
Best wishes.

[CathrynAnne]

Good morning, baker-

I'm with you on the "grass is greener" front. Of course she wouldn't have a problem with finding out after death... because she's already gotten a lot of answers now, as opposed to later.

I don't think I mentioned earlier but amom is white (same nationality as my mom, actually) and both her first adad (who I found out is now deceased) and amom's 2nd husband (still alive) are both black. So, she's grown up in a biracial environment her entire life; just no other siblings. I recall her telling my mom that it was very important to her for her oldest daughter to know who her father is (different one from her other kids). She sounded almost obsessive about it, so that's where that may come in.

Thanks again!

[dpen6]

Hi cathy!...(waving),

Just one little note here....I beleive the best way for your mom to handle the bfather thing is to just give her the name and any info on finding him...then let her do the finding. your mom does NOT have to find him for her. I reallybeleive thats to hard any women to go though. If and when she finds him and HE wants to ask your mom questions so be it. But I really think that your mom has fulfilled her resposability in just by giving the name and any info. She is nopt (IMO) resposabile for finding him.

[JustPeachy]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Hi cathy!...(waving),

Just one little note here....I beleive the best way for your mom to handle the bfather thing is to just give her the name and any info on finding him...then let her do the finding. your mom does NOT have to find him for her. I reallybeleive thats to hard any women to go though. If and when she finds him and HE wants to ask your mom questions so be it. But I really think that your mom has fulfilled her resposability in just by giving the name and any info. She is nopt (IMO) resposabile for finding him.

I couldn't agree more here. I think your mom should provide any info she has and then let your bsis do the searching and finding with regard to her bdad.

[CathrynAnne]

Hi dpen6 and JustPeachy... (waving back with both hands!!)

I agree with you both 100%. That was my opinion all along (especially after I got the nasty email), but this situation is a bit different because my mom lied to the bfather way back then and told him she had died, (she told him 3 times, actually; he asked about the baby more than once because I guess he didn't really believe her). I think she feels she owes it to him to come clean before this complete stranger (P) comes into his life. I believe it's her way of trying to "right the wrongs" and fix the mistake that she made so long ago. If he does get in touch with my mom, we'll find out whether or not he even wants to be contacted. This is the first time I can think of that mom's stepping up and wanting to take care of this situation, so I say "more power to her" and will support whatever she wants to do.

The information we have on him is very, very limited (basically his first and last name, and the name of this ship he was on when he met my mom). I found him on Classmates.com. If he doesn't reply to my mom (how many almost-80-year-olds check email, right?), then we may just give her the information and say "have at it". We shall see...

Have a great weekend, you guys!!

[CathrynAnne]

Aloha everyone!

Just a “not-so-quick” update:

Where I last left off: My half-sister “P” sent me a very strongly-worded (to put it mildly) email a couple of weeks ago, after which we let her know that we would be stepping back and giving her time to digest all of this new information regarding her adoption. We kept our word on that and had no contact with her.

A few days ago she emailed my oldest sister, “S”, with some questions – blunt questions, but not quite as strongly worded as the previous email. “S” did her best to answer the questions, and then asked if she’d be open to a phone conversation, as this issue was much too difficult to discuss or resolve going back and forth with emails.

“P” called “S” last night and they spoke for over an hour. (I am guessing she went to visit her folks over Father’s Day weekend, and was shown all the paperwork, etc.) “P” said her parents are not very happy with her right now and they all want her to keep the lines of communication open with us, and hope that eventually she’ll want to meet us. “S” found out quite a few things from her; some personal issues that she has which kind of explain her harsh reaction to us. She still strongly feels that once someone is given up for adoption, there should be no further contact. (I can’t fault her for that at all, as there are many, many people who feel the same way.) She also said that her anger is not directed at US, the people, but at the situation itself. (Glad we got that one out of the way!) She even said her pastor told her that everything happens for a reason, and there must be a good reason why this came up at this time. (I’m so glad to hear that she’s actually talking to someone outside the family about it that she trusts.) She said she thinks she’s moving past the actual “anger” phase, and is just trying to work things through in her mind. “S” told her that in no way did we ever, ever mean to hurt her or disrupt her life. (To be honest, had we known about these other “issues” she had, we probably would not have pursued her.) “S” asked for her forgiveness, and “P” told her, “Well, I’m not really sure there’s anything to forgive, but if that’s what you need, I forgive you.” She also agreed that what’s done is done, and there’s no point in going back and saying “Maybe we shouldn’t have…”

Oh… and this one made me feel better: She mentioned the nasty email she had sent to to me and told “S” that she knows she shouldn’t have worded it the way she did. At the time she got it, she was LIVID at what she’d found out, so she just lashed out.

One last interesting note: We remember our mom saying she had brought her some jewelry back in 1993 when she thought she would be meeting her. When she found out she would not be seeing her, she left the jewelry with her amom in hopes she’d get it one day. Flash forward to today, and mom has no recollection of the jewelry, so we thought maybe it didn’t really happen. Last night, “P” asked “S”, “So, what’s with this jewelry I’m looking at here? My mom gave it to me this weekend.” We explained where it came from and when it was given. Wow!!!

They shared some more chit-chat; talked briefly about their own kids, etc., and agreed to just keep the lines of communication open via email and phone (she actually said that "S" could call her if she wanted to). “S” agreed to not push her and to let her take it at her own pace. It wasn’t a lovey-dovey conversation at all, but I hope it helped “P” by answering some of her questions. I know “S” feels so much better after speaking with her.

So… that’s where things are now. As for me, I’m still going to hang back and refrain from contact until she’s more receptive. She made mention that her ex-husbands each had large families, and she actually found it rather overwhelming at times. Knowing that she grew up an only child, I can totally understand. Heck… I grew up the youngest of 8… have been an aunt since the age of 3… and it still overwhelms ME sometimes. LOL!

Thanks for listening again. Hugs to you all!!

[dpen6]

I am glad things are progessing. She has had so much to digest and is now in the process of sifting through and "filing it" sort of speak. I am also gald shewas able to clarify her actions she was hit with alot.

My heart goes out to her.

Geez..there is so much emotion for EVERYONE to sift through. Its all so hard.