[stickerprincess]

Okay, so I have gone from having almost no information to having names and potentially addresses of my birth family. I got my non-identifying information from the agency that placed me and through a mistake (the last name on one line of one form was not crossed out entirely so I could make it out easily) and a lot of internet searching, I have managed to find quite a bit of information. The easiest people to find were my maternal grandparents - both of them are prestigious enough to have information about their address and telephone numbers as well as numerous pictures all over the internet (they even published a book together last year so I know they're still alive). Through these forums, someone sent me some additional information about my birth mother including her telephone number. I can't be 100% certain about any of this, but it all fits together too perfectly. Now comes the biggest question I have of all - should I try to contact her? In a matter of 4 days I've gone from nothing to full names and phone numbers. I want to call her, but something's holding me back. I'm sure so many others have gone through this feeling as well, and I would appreciate any advice. Thanks for reading!

[bakerjw]

I would suspect that you have an angel at the agency who made a halfhearted attempt at following the intent of the law. i.e. They left enough of a last name showing that you could use. That is terrific for you as it makes life soooo much easier.

You've gone a long way in your search in a very short amount of time. That didn't give you much time to work through the emotions and head games that we can play on ourselves while we wait for letters to arrive or for other information to trickle in from various sources. From what everyone in reunion has said it will be a roller coaster so be prepared for the ups and down that will follow.

Also remember that even though it is your birth mother, the two of you are strangers. I'm not saying that this is your case, but sometimes adoptees expect to be welcomed with open arms as a long lost family member. I hope that you are strongly welcomed but there are so many instances where a slight nuance in a conversation or a misunderstood statement can send a reunion into a tailspin. Just take it slow and be open and honest. If you have a question then ask. If she doesn't want to answer then accept that she is not ready. It can only go as fast as the slower of the 2 members of the reunion will allow.

Rather than a call, I would recommend a short non assuming letter. Emotions can throw a well prepared phone call into a messy babblefest imho. A letter keeps things on track. Include you name, when you were born, that you think that she may be your birth mother, why you are trying to contact her. Perhaps a recent picture. Some of the birth mothers that are on here can give better insight as to the picture or letter content.

Also be sure to include the obligatory postcard that has check boxes for:
Yes, I want to have contact
Yes, I want contact but I will need time
No, not at this time
Sorry, it is not me.

You may be 100% sure that it is your birth mother but sometimes what is perceived as a 100% match was actually only 99% and you may send a letter to the 1%.

I wish you the best!
Let us all know how it goes.

[California_Chris]

<< I would suspect that you have an angel at the agency who made a halfhearted attempt at following the intent of the law. i.e. They left enough of a last name showing that you could use. That is terrific for you as it makes life soooo much easier. >>

Non-identifying information that hasn't been completely whited-out has come to me from 2 agencies....and in both batches of docs, there were whole names that were skipped from being cut out, always buried in the middle of a document. I agree that the social workers sometimes realize how antiquated this whole system is, and take pity on the people who write to them.

But you can't thank them for it, specifically, as that puts them in an awkward position. Just send a note saying that you're very thankful for the documents they sent you, and that you appreciate their preparing them.

Because also, if you draw their (or a supervisor's) attention to the fact that they're not concealing everything, the office might buckle down and change procedures...and then the next searcher would be out of luck.

[Nellie9580]

Same thing happened to me. I received all the information in the mail from my adoption records and though all my searching found my bmom.

Just bite the bullet, you have nothing to lose! I was petrified, but the second I told her who I was we both broke down in tears. We've been talking alomst every day for the last 3 months and I'm about to meet her for the first time in 2 weeks. You don't want to keep the feeling of anxiety, believe me. You'll be more disappointed if you didn't just try.

He're the letter I sent out in mass mail to help find my mom. Please use it if you want to.

Dear Vonna,

I would like to start by introducing myself: I am Pamela xxxxx, 28 years old, from Westchester, NY. I was born on xxxxxxx in Houston Texas by a woman named Vonna Sears. The adoption agency/lawyer involved was Leslie Thacker. I have just started my active search to find my birth mother and have been fortunate to have had some help finding possible matches using resources from adoption.com. With that said…..

I have wanted to write to you for a very long time, but, due to a loss for words, it has taken me until now to finally do so. I have spent countless night lying in bed asking myself how I was supposed to write a letter to a women whom I have never met before, but who is, at the same time, far from a stranger.

My main purpose for writing this is to thank you. Twenty-eight years ago you did perhaps the most selfless and beautiful thing I could ever imagine, you gave me a second chance to be part of a family.

You should rest assure that there is no better family with whom you could have placed me. The Greens have loved, protected, nurtured, guided me, and have done everything imaginable to assure my wellbeing and happiness. They have always encouraged me to be the best that I can be in all that I do.

I have always known I was adopted, and for as long as I’ve known I’ve wondered about you…who you are where you live, what you’re like, if I look like you, and all the other questions which inevitably pass through an adoptee’s mind. As I grew I not only came to better understand the meaning of adoption, but to be able to appreciate the absolute beauty of it. My adoption, has played a very large roll in my life and has come to mold me into who I am today. It has shaped me in more ways than anyone can imagine. I believe that in some ways my being adopted has made me a better person. I appreciate life and everything in it, I accept the good with the bad, and want nothing more than to give something back for all the chances I’ve been given. I have been truly blessed because of your decision.

I apologize as deeply as it is possible, if this letter has come as a shock, or if it has caused you or your family pain in anyway. That was not my intent. I wanted only to thank you for everything and to let you know that I am thinking of you as I have often over these past twenty-eight years. Most importantly you need to know how very much I admire you for all that you have done. Strong enough words do not exist to properly describe my gratitude. You gave me a second chance at life, and for that I respect you more deeply than you will ever know. I hope someday to be able to thank you in person, and be able to meet your husband and beautiful children, but until that day the best that I can do is to write it. Thank you for everything!

I understand that you may not be in a place were you are ready to correspond and that such a time may in fact never come, but you should know that if that is the case that the doors will always remain open if you ever change your mind.

If there is a chance that you would like to respond back to me, my e-mail address is madison9580@hotmail.com If you would be so kind, if you are not the right person, could you possibly e-mail me back to let me know, as this is the beginning on my search and I would like to continue my pursuit to finding “my” Vonna XXXXX.


Sincerely,

[Amandak249]

Nellie,

i tried to send you a message, but it seems your inbox is full. I too was born in Texas (Dallas), and now reside in Westchester NY!Isn't that funny? I'm a little younger than you are though- I'm almost 23.Small world



Sticker princess- I would go for it. Find out what your reservations are, if you can, and then overcome them if you feel ready. You'll never know unless you try