[CathrynAnne]

Okay, we received a reply from my half-sister's amom this evening. We had asked her if she had ever spoken with her daughter about our family's "true connection". She replied that no she hadn't; that she'd always wanted to, but didn't think her daughter could handle it. She also gave her home phone number for my mom (hsister's bmom) to call her. What to do? We know that amom is going to try to talk my mom out of saying anything.

Originally, my oldest sister had wanted to send the amom a longer email (in case we found out she hadn't told her daughter) basically pouring her heart out. It's a really long email that I guess was meant to tug at amom's heartstrings. But now that I think about it, she probably doesn't give a rip about anyone else's heartstrings but her own. However, after reading so many posts here, I'm thinking we may need to change our strategy. I'm going to post the email here, and would like any advice (good or bad) on what to take out, or how things should be changed. I don't know where the focus should actually BE, and I think there may be some assumptions in there that we should probably take out. (I've replaced the names and other identifying info with asterisks*)

And honestly, if y'all think it should be completely re-done, please let me know. I respect all of your opinions and advice. Thanks.

[bakerjw]

I think that it's a good letter and hopefully it will do the trick. I apologize if I sounded a little strong worded in my response yesterday but adoptees take this issue very personally.

From what I read in your letter, I am a bit envious of your sister. Sure she is about to have the foundation of trust in her mother shaken but the reward is a large group of people who want to know her in return. I know that you and some of your family already have contact as friends, but learning that they're blood relatives would only add to the experience.

My only suggestion in your letter, and I may be off base as I am anything but perfect, but I would strengthen the part about older adoptees finding out after the death of their adopted parents. I've always known that I was adopted so I'll never have the experience first hand, but of the adoptees that found out postmortem, so to speak, they all ask "Why did they lie to me and keep this from me."

I think that it is really hard to forgive someone for their actions if they are not present to give their side of the story. If her mother dies and she finds out then the memories of taking care of her when she was sick, putting a band aid on a scraped knee, celebrating lifes achievements, etc... will all be overshadowed by the "Why?" question.

It is in her adopted moms best interest to get it out in the open and explain her side while she can.

Darn. There are no easy answers are there?
Best wishes.

[Dickons]

Hi CathrynAnn,

I did not read the letter as I am always concerned opening word documents...

Your mom needs to call her daughters mom, there is no getting around it. Here is what I would discuss with your mom prior to the phone call.

1. Make the call on speaker phone with you identified by your mom as being a participant in the conversation, if her mom is not open to that then you know what you are facing will not be solved.

2. A list of one line reasons as to why your sister needs to know she is adopted to help your mom stay strong. The size of the words should be large enough so that your mom does not need to focus to read, the words more like headlines.

Examples:

*Medical history must be accurate to ensure your sisters health, her Doctors NEED TO KNOW. Not being truthful could be devastating.

*Everyone deserves to know the truth about where they come from and not knowing equals being lied too.

*Finding out after her mothers death will be worse than finding out now and will allow for mother and daughter to work through it together.

*Secrets do not stay secrets forever.

*Etc etc etc...

Kind regards,
Dickons

[CathrynAnne]

Good morning, Baker-

First off, you have absolutely nothing to apologize for. Your reply was honest and from the heart, and gave me a lot to think about; most of which was the fact that the news should come from either amom or bmom. Just that fact alone made us change our whole strategy, but as far as I'm concerned, it's changed for the better.

And I agree with you 1000% about placing the emphasis on telling the daughter before the amom dies. We already know through amom's message to us yesterday that her own husband's health is very poor, so all the more reason to "get a move on". In fact, we just added that part in to the first paragraph right before I posted it here, so I guess we were on the right path.

I really appreciate your taking the time to read the very loooong letter. I value everyone's advice more than I can express.


Good morning Dickons-

Thank you so very much for your tips on making the phone call. I'd actually told my sister she should be WITH mom when she makes the call, and having the bulleted points right in front of her will just make things that much easier (not that it's going to be easy at all). That way, in case mom just loses her nerve, my sister can step in. Sis has a very loving way of speaking (as opposed to me - lol!), so if anyone could do it, it would be her. I'm kinda liking that at the end of the letter we say that if she just absolutely cannot bring herself to do it, we would "help her". It sounds a bit gentler and less threatening than "If you don't tell her by XXX date, we're going to."

Whoo... kinda exciting and scary all wrapped in one! I'm sort of an "outsider" in the grand scheme of things here, but the emotions I've gone through in the last month are just crazy. I can only imagine (actually, I can't imagine at all) how it is for an adoptee. You're all to be praised!!

These are just fantastic suggestions - please, keep 'em comin!

[CathrynAnne]

Sorry, I forgot to ask one more question. We currently do not have my half-sister's home address; however, we do have her work address (she works at a hospital). Should (hopefully, WHEN) my mom decide to write her letter, would it be horribly intrusive to send it to her place of business, via certified mail? If we can't send it there, any ideas on how we could obtain her home address? Well, short of asking her amom for it, which she probably wouldn't give. I think email is a little too impersonal, and besides, we wouldn't have any record of if she received it.

Thanks for any tips.

-Cathy

[dpen6]

Cathy,

I would not send it to her work. to many nosy people around and may invite to many unwanted questions. Also you don'r know what her reactiopn would be and would be some hard things to deal with at work.

I would attempt everyway possible to get her home adress.

[CathrynAnne]

Hey dpen!

Thanks much for the super-prompt reply. My gut was telling me that sending it to work would not be good. Due to the nature of her work, she surely would not need to have to deal with this while trying to work. We'll try to think of something...

-Cathy

[Dickons]

Cathy,

Depending on what email software you use you may be able to track receipt of your email. Mine has a 'read reciept" that tells me when it has been received but at the same time if a person has their email set up a certain way they can choose not to send the 'read reciept'. I have mine set to automatic and would say that approximately 80% of the time I get a 'read reciept'. It is quite annoying to get all the reciepts but with my memory issues it helps me manage.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[CathrynAnne]

Mornin' Dickons-

I tested that out yesterday. My niece shares the same email provider that my hsister does, and when I set it up to confirm delivery and receipt, I got the delivery one fine, but also got a message that said "the requested delivery status notifications may not be generated by the destination." So, I think it all depends on the settings on the "other end".

That's okay, though. I hunted around online last night for a couple of hours, and I *think* I may have found a home address. They actually had 2 listed for her, but one of them is listed as "possibly undeliverable" on the USPS website. (Meaning that the building may no longer be there, etc.)

We'll see. We might be able to get it out of amom after we talk to her.

Thanks for the reply, and I hope you have a great day!

[CathrynAnne]

I tell ya, the Interweb is AMAZING! I went from having no earthly idea how to find my hsister's home address yesterday morning... to finding it yesterday evening! At least, I'm pretty sure it's hers. I went on a couple of search sites and found 2 addresses in what I believe is her hometown - one of which was deemed undeliverable when I plugged it into the USPS site. So, I'm picking the other one. LOL! I also dropped her a quick note via FB briefly introducing myself (she added me as Friend last week, but I haven't written anything to her until now.) I mentioned casually that that last time I had visited her state was 5 years ago to see my other sister (HA - her sister, too!) and gave the name of the town I visited, and then I asked her which town she lived in. (I couldn't think of any other way to find out that wasn't too sneaky.) Waiting on the reply.

After tweaking the loooooong email we want to send to the amom with the wonderful suggestions here, we read it to my mother, and she said it sounded great. So, we also sent that out yesterday. We've already decided that whether or not she replies to us, mom will be giving her a call to lay it all out - hsister must be told, and if she wouldn't do it, mom would be sending her a letter.

Oh, the butterflies...!!

[Dickons]

I wish all of you the best in the upcoming days but am sure you will simply be on edge, waiting and wondering. It takes a lot of guts to send the email and you mom has a good support system with you and your sis. Hopefully you will have a wonderful reunion and and even better getting to know you time.

Keep us posted.

Kind regards,
Dickons