[RTS83]

I have always known since a small child that I was adopted. My parents were always open with that fact, I can remember getting annoyed because they always asked " anything you want to know just ask, we have all the information" I always refused because I had such great parents and I just really did not care to know. Long story shortened, I have been dealing with anxiety, depression, and panic attacks and I told my mom one day at work ( she works for my company) and she had told my dad ( he works nights and our schedules are opposite) so my dad calls me to talk and says he would like to have lunch. My dad suffers from the same conditions and he felt it was time to tell me about my birth parents. He proceeds to tell me that my birth mother was a nice lady she has two other children with my birth father and when they found out she was preg. he said I don't want any more kids and he left her. she has been a alcoholic since my mom and dad knew her. so then my dad starts to tear up and said " son this is the hardest thing i have ever had to do, i have been terrified to have this conversation but your uncle (his brother) is your real father. I was kind of shocked, I have met my uncle several times and he even lived with us for a year or so because he had no where else to go. He has always been a nomad and never stayed any where long, he has a child with 2 other women besides my birth mother so we are at 4 siblings already. I know how he was since he as been in my life remotely and my dad always says " i hate him as a man but he is my brother so i love him but i cant stand him" He never had anything at all to do with any of his children, he ducked child support and did not work for 15 years so they would not garnish him, so that's him, I already know him well enough and he still does not see or try or care about the other kids so why would I be different. So that door is closed to me. But my birth mother is a whole new story I have never met her ( or that i can remember) my parents said they took me to see her when I was 3mo old and then when I was about 2yrs old, I have not found out why the visits stopped? My parents tell me that she had a really bad alcohol problem and that all of my siblings have addiction and broken violent families, also after me she had 2 more kids with a different man, so all together I have 7 siblings 5 are half and 2 are whole. On mothers day I went to spend the day with my mom, breaking this news to me has been hard for them, they are scared that i will not love them any more, not the case at all, if not for them I think i would be a gang member in jail or dead like the rest of the siblings (no one is dead but I know and have verified that 2 are incarcerated. So any way, my parents tell me on mothers day that my birth mom did not really want to give me up but my grandma that she lived with told her she had to, they can not handle another child. My parents could not have children and decided they wanted to so they had a foster child that had got to go back home after a year and they wanted a child so they got me. but now knowing that my birthmom did not really want to give me up she was more or less forced to do it, i am confused on should i contact her or not. no one has talked to her in 20 some years and she has a bad drinking problem and lives in the inner city, I am just saying its not a good part of town we use to live around there. so i feel i should let her know that i do not resent her and thank for doing what she had to do, i had a great child hood and loving parents and i have become a successful business man and have a family of my own. but I am scarred that she will want a hand out from me or bringing gang activity to my home and putting my family in harms way or dealing with their stress and their problems. I would love to meet her and try to help some how but I am not made of money, yes we are well off but i am not rich by any means and that is just a fear, but the youngest sibling and i have had some breif contact on myspace and he knew exactly who i was when i messaged him saying that i was doing research on the family name and listed some of my relatives. i knew by looking at his picture and his age and location and name there was a 95% chance he was one of the siblings that came after me from a diff. father. he is a teenage father and has been in some trouble, i feel obligated to reach out and show him some love and guidance but like i expressed my concerns in the matter. so this is the dilemma do i go meet and talk to my birthmom and other siblings or do i keep my distance? any opinions and feed back will be appreciated thank you

[sheababy]

I would reach out if you want to. There is no reason upon a first meeting that you need to make it known that you are well off or where you live. It sounds as though this information may come out eventually so you would have to be prepared if that came to be. As for being well off, many people look well off but have borrowed to the max to get what they have so you could come up with some story as to why you are not as well off as it may seem and cannot help them if you decide you do not want to help.

You should not feel obligated to help anyone, family or not. It sounds like they are in some pretty bad situations and unfortunately it may be too late to help-some people cannot change once it has come this far. The best way to help sometimes (I have had to do this with some of my relatives) is to teach them how to help themselves.

Perhaps you could start out with a letter to your bmom and see if she responds and how she feels. I definitely think the safety and serenity of your own family should come first.

[RTS83]

Thanks! that is good information. I have seen my moms brothers screw over and steal from thier own mother. they had really bad drug addictions and bascically guttet her house for drug money. So i know that your own family can screw you over worse then a friend or stranger. I have prayed and talked it over with my parents and sposue and a few friends and everyone is saying the same thing pretty much. go ahead and reach out, be careful, be slow, and keep your gaurds up. I have asked God to show me the way and I think he is becasue I keep getting the same answer. thank you for your reply!

[bakerjw]

I understand where you are coming from in wanting to help in some way. I have not yet had any contact with my birth mother but when I do I am sure that I would be hard pressed to not lend some assistance in some way. I am not rich by any means but my needs are few and what good does a lot of money do me in the long run. It's better to use it to make the lives of others better.

with that said, you are on the right track for watching out for yourself. My wife has cousins that have stolen from their own mother and take advantage of her at every turn. It is pathetic to see. I think that people with addiction are well versed into how to twist others into helping them support their addiction. I'd never give cash but only physical gifts like a small microwave for example. If it ended up missing or an excuse like it was stolen then in all likelihood it was sold to obtain drugs or alcohol.

Like Shea said, write a letter. See how she responds.

And as I am sure you already know. You can't make someone with an addiction change, you can only help them when they need it. I only add that since there seems to be a possible substance abuse problem.
Best wishes.

[RTS83]

thank you both so much for the feed back, well for a update I gave my youngest 1/2 brother my number and he emailed me back and is going to call me tonight, he said he is very excited and looks forward to getting to know me. He is the one that keeps in touch with all the siblings so it should be fairly easy to make contact with them all. he informed me that my other siblings he was able to talk to today were very excited to hear the news. so i found out that the youngest moved away from the city and is doing ok and he then told my full brother to add me on her MySpace so she did and i messaged her and gave my number and she said he was excited to talk to me and called me about a hour later, i talked to him it was funny because we are both shy and not very outgoing ( I know i have social anxiety) i assume he does too since we have the same birth parents. so i think i did well at keeping a conversation going(not easy for me to do especially in this situation) but he said he would like to meet up some time so i think we will meet in a neutral place or go to him just to be safe i know he was in some trouble in the past and so so far things are good but its early, it was cool to see pictures of him, we look so much alike! and i have seen pictures of his baby and my 1/2 brothers baby and all three of our kids came out with a ton of hair! by full brother thought that was hilarious! thank you so much for your thoughts and advice!!

[RTS83]

and yes i have had several uncles on drugs and its a bad deal and they are very convincing to ger what they want out of who they want and they know family is a soft spot, i have had several friends with addictions and so i have a little experience in that field, but thank you so much for your feed back again!

I would like to try to help them more emotionally and be there for them for advice and assistance, if things go as planned then i would love to offer some financial assistance or gifts but we will see how things go.

i forgot to add that my lil bro said that my birthmom is excited to hear from me.

[Rainspa]

Prior to meeting your Mother and siblings, and because you are aware of their alcohol/addiction issues have you considered becoming involved in a 12 step program for the families of alcoholics?
Since addiction and alcoholism are genetic, there is a good chance that you will be confronting these issues at home. Why not get a head start?