[CathrynAnne]

I stumbled across this site this afternoon, and after reading just a few of the beautiful posts here, I felt a HUGE weight lifted from my shoulders. I’ve been having wicked anxieties for the past month, and now I KNOW what I’m doing is the right thing. I’ll attempt to not make this too long…

Back in 1962, my then-26-year-old mom had already given birth to 5 children when she’d had an affair and became pregnant. She was married at the time (and still is, to my dad); however, she decided to have the baby. My dad was more than willing to adopt the new child, and they agonized over what to do because the new baby would be born biracial, and in 1963, the race relations in our country were horrible. My dad was in the Navy and there was a good possibility he’d be stationed down south where this child would have to grow up biracial in a family of white children, and have to deal with all those types of issues. They came to the conclusion that she’d have a much easier life if she were put up for adoption, so that’s what was done. My eldest sister was 10 at the time and did not understand why mom went to the hospital pregnant and came home with no baby. All of the siblings were told that the baby had died in childbirth. The boys (ages 9 and 8 at the time) seemed to accept it, but my eldest sister could never accept it. She just knew there was something more to the story. My mom went on to have 2 more children, for a total of 8 (with one of those being put up for adoption).

Fast-forward to about 1993 when the adoption records were opened, and mom told us the truth – that she’d had an affair, and the baby (a girl) was put up for adoption. Mom felt horrible for having lied to us all those years, but my sisters and I didn’t hold that against her one bit. We just wanted to meet our sister!! My brothers took the “leave it alone” stance, which they hold to this day. It was then that mom told us she’d actually gotten the A-mom’s information, and she and my dad flew to where she was living (waaay across the country) to meet her. The A-mom and my folks had a nice visit where they exchanged pictures. Then… the A-mom admitted that she had never told her daughter that she was adopted. (She would’ve been around 30 years old by this time.) A-mom said she’d tried many times to tell her, but it was “never a good time”. She cried and cried on my mom’s shoulder, and that was just too much for my mom (a huge softie) to handle. At that point, they both promised each other that neither would say a word to my sister about the adoption… until one of them died. I guess they thought that was the best solution at the time, but to us it sounded absolutely cruel. (And, from the posts I’ve read on here, we were right.) But, that was my mom’s promise, and we had to abide by it, so we agreed to make no contact. In the meantime, my mom and the A-mom kept in phone contact off and on over the next 10 years or so. However, a few years ago my mom tried calling her and was told by whoever answered the phone that she’d moved. (We’re pretty sure she was just dodging her calls, though.)

Fast-forward again to April 2009: My niece was playing around on a social networking site, and decided to type in my half-sister’s name. She got a lot of options, so she sent a lot of them requests to be her friend. The next day… the VERY FIRST reply she got was from my half-sister!! Wanting to tread carefully, we just asked if she had a mom named *****, and was born in ******, and said that we thought her mom and my mom were penpals. She wrote back and said yes, that was her. WE’D FOUND OUR SISTER!!

Now… what to do? Our mom agrees that she should be told, and said that if at any point she asked if we were all related, we could tell her “yes”. She has her apprehensions, and flip-flops from day-to-day. We decided to drop the A-mom a short note asking if she’d ever told her about our “special family connection”. That was almost a week ago, and no response yet. Our half-sister, in the meantime, has been corresponding with us as “friends”, and has said a few things that lead us to believe she either knows or suspects something, and is treading lightly, too. One statement in particular was “Who knows what the future holds for our families?” Who would say something like that to someone they just met online a month prior? She sounds like a very well-adjusted woman.

Our dilemma now: Should we give the A-mom a little while to see if she gets back to us at all, and then just chance things and let our sister know what’s up? We don’t want to go back on “the promise” (which my mom made, not us), but we can’t wait around forever for the A-mom to do what she should’ve done so long ago. We also don’t want to go on corresponding as “friends” forever, and then if/when she finds out, she’ll feel betrayed by us for carrying on this charade for so long. What to do??

(Well, so much for not making this long! Haha) I look forwarding to hearing any advice from you wonderful people!

[bakerjw]

I hope this doesn't come across the wrong way but I personally don't see a dilemma here. While it has been wrong of the adopted mother to not tell her adopted daughter that she is in fact adopted, it is the adopted mothers place to break the news to her rather than have her find out from a third party.

If you read any of the posts on here from people who found out late in life that they were adopted or even found out after both adopted parents had passed on, you will find people filled with anger and rage at the injustice of it. In all likelihood She will be PO'd at her birth parents and will feel betrayed. There will be lashing out and there is no way to know how the dust will settle.

Reunions where adoption is involved are highly charged emotional events when you have an adoptee that has always known that they are adopted. Throw in an adoptee that has not been told and it is only amplified. In the end it boils down to the adoptee, the adoptive parents, and imho the birth mother.

For others to get involved and to meddle is equally as wrong. I've had others meddle and get involved with aspects concerning my adoption and even after 7 years I find it hard not to harbor resentment. I can't guarantee how your sister would react, but if you go and tell her, then you take the chance of throwing her and her family into a turbulent tailspin. I will say that the only thing that pisses me off more than an adoptee not knowing the truth is others feeling that they have a right to meddle in an adoptees affairs. It might sound harsh, but as an adoptee I can't help the way that I feel.

You say "We also don’t want to go on corresponding as “friends” forever". This isn't about you. First and foremost it is about your half sister and her adopted family. Secondly it is about them and your mother. Lastly is where you come into the picture.

If she ever feels betrayed by you, then you can tell her that it wasn't your place to tell her and explain why.

Not sure this opinion will be considered as having come from a wonderful person, but to a lot of adoptees, the realm of our adoption is an almost sacred place where few are welcome to enter. Throughout my life friends and family always had a fascination with my adoption as though it were a land of magical wonder when in actuality it is a dark mysterious and frightening place.

My advice. Don't be in a rush. Ease off and just be her friend. Hopefully in time she will find out that she is adopted and having welcoming friends will make the transition much easier for her.

Just my opinions for what they are worth.

[dpen6]

WOW!!! What a situation!

The first thing i want to say is how impressed i am of the compassion and acceptence you have shown in this whole situaion. That will help a lot in the future.

The other thing i wanted to say is my gut feelings were so conflicted on this. I understand where baker is coming f4rom but not sure I agree. I am also not sure if I am even right or just being reactive. My first feeling was how I would feel thatas a 40 something year old to know that my 2 mothers were talking....about me...and no one bothered to let me in on the secret. I think thatwould make me furious. The other thing is that this women has every right to know the truth about HERSELF and her beginnings.She needs to be told, I am not surewho should be doing the telling. I don't really beleive it should JUST be the adoptive mother if in factshe isunable to tell her daughter thetruth then someonelse(herbmother?) should. Does this women have children? They desrve to know the truth also.

I agreethatshemight already be suspicious as we did befriend you. What kind of converstions have you had? If she is suspicous it might justbe freeing for her to have the truth out and be living thetruthas opposed to wondering who the heck she really is!

I don't see how her angerwould be directed at her bparents but more so her aparents for lying!

I do agreewith baker that it should come from one ofthe mothersand not anyone else.....it needs to be done with the knowledge thatshe could not take itwell and feel very betrayed and unimportant in thewhole thing. It must be a tough place to be. She may needs lots ofsupport and understanding before the thought of other relationships come into play.

ButI firmly beleive that she needsto be told......itis si wrong to maintain the lies and deception...when those lies are really only toprotect others...not her.

[Dickons]

Every adopted person should know they are adopted...one of the reasons is below...

Your sister is approaching middle age when many hereditary illnesses present. Scenario: Her family has only a history of various cancers. Her doctor knows this. She goes to the doctor because she is experiencing atypical chest pains. She is below the age when females typically begin to show signs of heart issues. The doctor talks to her for awhile and based on the information he/she has says it is probably acid reflux or panic attacks as she has no family history of heart disease. She has a massive heart attack and becomes disabled because her doctor did not have the right information for her.

Genetics plays a large part in what we experience in our health. The doctor bases his diagnosis on the facts he has...and if they are not even relevant how is that of any benefit?

Plus, may late discoveries say they always felt different and could never understand why. Everyone deserves to know where they came from and for the adoptive parents not to tell her is wrong...on so many levels.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[JustPeachy]

The sister may already suspect something, and may have suspected for years that she was adopted even though she was never told. That doesn't excuse not being told, though, and I agree she needs to be told. I wish her amom could just face it now, the sooner the better. I personally think it is the amom's responsibility to tell her, but if she is unwilling to do so, the next person would be the bmom. There will most likely be fallout from this and I would be prepared for it, but try to understand from the adoptees perspective how it would feel to not be told and then all of a sudden be told AND have a reunion going on at the same time. That may be too much for her to handle all at once and she will certainly need time to process all the emotions that will come up. Good luck with all this!

[loveajax]

My gosh, this is complicated! I think it is so sad that this poor woman was never told (and that you guys were told so late in life). It sounds to me like maybe she does in fact know or at least strongly suspect. I think it is good that you wrote a note to the amom. I would follow up in a few weeks if you don't hear from her and say that you don't feel comfortable not telling your sister and plan to tell her by x date. I don't like ultimatums, but I do feel so sad that this woman has had no idea what has gone on. I wish you all a lot of luck!

[CathrynAnne]

Wow - such quick and wonderful responses! I want to thank all of you for your advice and quick replies. I was so hoping to have something to read when I woke up this morning.

Believe me... we would MUCH rather one of the mothers inform her of the adoption. We dont' want to do it. My half-sis had spent the weekend a couple of weeks ago with her Amom and Adad and told us she was going to "ask her mother about her penpal" (my mom). We figured that would be Amom's golden opportunity to tell her. However, I don't think it happened. She just said that her mom "was so excited to see her penpal's picture" (we'd posted it online, so she basically saw her Bmom and half-siblings; we just didn't say that's who they were.) She also said she'd be updating her mom's online account with some "interesting pictures in the near future". (We think my mom sent her Amom pics of us from forever-ago.) That, along with some other statements she's made to us like: "Who knows what the future may hold for our families" and "I'm glad we're getting to know each other" really make me think she knows/suspects. She also made a comment to my niece that "It might take me a while to get back on here (the site), but I will ALWAYS answer your mail." Why would you say that to someone you'd just met online a couple of weeks before? She also hasn't deleted us as "Friends". We're choosing to take those as positive signs. We've also exchanged just little details of what we're doing; some info on our kids. She has 3 kids and 1 new grandchild.

The problem with my mom doing it herself (and she really does want to) is I truly believe she just doesn't have the strength to do so. She's 73 years old and her health is deteriorating. She started drinking right after giving the baby up, and is now an alcoholic (which I've heard my sister also had a problem with at one point.) She feels so much empathy for everyone involved and doesn't want anyone hurt (completely understandable). I'm sure that's why she agreed to that cockamamie "promise" 15 years ago. From what I've read on these forums, probably the worst possible way to find out something like this is after one or the other of the moms passes away. Then, there's no time to ask questions or sort anything out. I tell you one thing - if I'd found out about my sister being put up for adoption AFTER my mom had passed, away, I'd be a heck of a lot more P.O.'d. because I wouldn't have had the chance to talk to her about it, or tell her that it didn't matter one bit; we still loved her and wanted to meet our sis.

I've read here that because she's 46 years old, it should be okay to go straight to her than through her Amom. I'm leaning towards that line of thought, too; though we did want to give Amom a chance to let us know if she was even told. Judging from the long silence from her, I think we got our answer. We also had another longer email drafted up (not sent) to send if/when she doesn't respond after a while. It's basically my eldest sister's story beginning when the baby never came home... all the way up to how happy we were to find both of them; and thanking the Amom for choosing her and bringing her up in a loving, caring environment. It's really from her heart. She even mentioned that if Amom just can't find the words, she could show her the email. We're really going to hang on to that one for a while, though.

We know (almost for a fact) that if my mom gets on the phone with her Amom, Amom will convince her AGAIN to never say anything. I guess my question is... at that point should my mom (the Bmom) just move on to contacting my sister, herself? What if she just can't muster up the courage? We don't want to "encourage" her so much we give her a heart attack, or anything.

For now, we've decided to just hang back and see what happens, if anything. Thank you all so much - this place is very therapeutic. Reading all of your stories just touches my heart.

[snuffie]

First of all I want to say I wish you well. This is such a complicated situation. I am an adoptee but I always knew that I was. I've read posts from older adoptees who never knew and, yes, there is anger and also a feeling of "how do I know if anything my parents told me is true?" But also being older a (hopefully mature) it might make it easier to accept. I agree that middle age is definitely the time for no guessing games in health history. I've had some serious issues of my own and it has helped immensely to know what was "hiding" in my genes.

I think I would give the adoptive mom a little time and maybe if she knows that the telling of the "secret" is immanent she will decide its time to explain.

Hugs
Snuffie

[CathrynAnne]

Thank you, Snuffie!! My eldest sis has called me at least 10 times today, and we always end the conversation the same way: We're going to wait a couple of weeks to see if we get any type of response from amom or my half-sister. If we get nothing... then we'll think of the next step. I agree that either amom or hsister (or both) may be just taking it all in and trying to formulate a response. It's so hard, as it's all I can think about, but we know that "a watched pot never boils", "patience is a virtue", and all that fun stuff.

I agree about the health issue aspect. My mom is an alcoholic, and it seems (from what amom told my mom) that my hsister went through a bout with that, too. And one funny things - my mom has twins that run in her family, but none of my other siblings had twins. My hsister has twins! She also looks the most like my mom than any of us do, even if she is biracial. The resemblance is uncanny. haha

I love this forum - I think I'm addicted! I've learned SO much from all of you, and considering what a touchy topic this is/can be, I've come across nothing but love and support.

[CathrynAnne]

Just a small update for ya:

My mom got up the nerve to talk to my dad this weekend re: our locating our hsister. I put together a binder of all of the back-and-forth correspondence we've had with her and her a-mom over the past month, since we first discovered her on FB. I also included a lot of the suggestions I found here (names withdrawn - just the suggestions.) We dropped it off with my mom Saturday afternoon.

Well, when my big sis called mom yesterday morning and asked how it went... mom didn't sound too happy. Sis asked "Do you still love me?" and mom said, "Yes". Then sis asked "Does dad still love me?" and mom said, "Well, that I'm not so sure about." We had no idea if that was mom being dramatic, or if there was something seriously wrong. Needless to say, we had a horrible day waiting to talk to him that night.

Long story short: He never looked at the binder... he felt that it was a-mom's SOLE responsibility to tell her daughter about the adoption... and he felt hurt that we'd do all of this without asking for his help. Such mixed emotions!! Thank GOD for these forums, for we were able to explain to him the importance of letting it be my hsister's choice, and no one else's; as well as the importance of doing it NOW before someone passes. We found out (for the first time) that for all these 46 years, he felt as if we kids hated him and blamed him; and felt that he "forced" mom to give her up. We convinced him that couldn't be further from the truth, and after listening to all the facts (and reading the beautiful email we sent to amom)... he's all on board! He wants to help us find her; find her bfather, if she wants (if it gets to that point); put her in his will, etc. He said they've wanted to find her many times, but... Mom's had nightmares from it ever since, and we told him it was time to "set her free".

After holding it all in for the past month, I had a mini emotional breakdown last night; partly from sadness at how my dad's been holding that in for all these years, and partly realizing that we might actually get some HELP with this. I could never have been prepared for the emotional rollercoaster this journey is taking me on, but it's well worth it.

You all have truly made this process bearable and possible!!! I picked up "The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide" and am only on page 51, but most of it fits me to a "t". Thank you!!!

-Cathy