[imprttuner2]

I was recently informed that my Bmom is looking for me. I'm in rather a unique situation as I am now working for the same orginisation that I was adopted from. Kinda funny cause it took them a few weeks to find me down the hall. I have no objection to making contact with her and signed the permission slip the same day. My little sister had already gone thru the contact process and my parents were very supportive.

Here is where the questions start though. It has been several months (3+) since I found out and I have still not recieved a contact letter from her. About how long does it take to write one? I'm sure it's not something you just knock out in a weekend. I'm just curious and hoping some other bmom's may be able to give me some feedback. I've tried very hard to try to place myself in her shoes over the past few months and still have been unable to wrap my head around the emotions she must be going thru. I've had a great life and I would like to share my story with her to let her know that she made a good decision. I've considered writing a letter to her to kinda break the ice but I have NO idea what I'd say. Not really sure how to approach the topic.

Any advice or insight would be amazing!

Thank you all so much.

[Dickons]

Welcome,

Your story reminds me of another recent post that is from a birthmother who contacted her daughter that works in the adoption field and is waiting for a reply...

Just because you signed a permission slip does not mean they provided it to her in a timely manner. Do not assume that, as search and reunion is not always on top of the list of to-do's...make sure they have followed through.

As to how long it would take, no idea but am sure others will chime in.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[bakerjw]

Having the information and doping something with it are 2 different things. Kind of like how you can't stop some things once they've been started.

In your position I'd write a quick short letter telling her what you've told us. You work at the agency. You found out that she was looking for you. You're open to starting the process of getting to know each other. And you'll give her time.

You're in a wonderful place where so many of us would love to be.
Best wishes.

[imprttuner2]

Holy cow. I wasn't execting responses so quickly. I do know that she has been informed that they found me and that I would perfer to be contacted by letter first. The counselor in charge of my "case?" has been in contact with her several times.

I do know that there has been more then a few unavoidable hurdles lately. I live in Fargo, ND and we've been dealing with the Red River Flooding as well as some personal issues that she was having. So I'm not shocked that I haven't heard back yet.

I think I'll take your advice and write her a quick letter as well. Just something brief to break the ice, let her know I'm accepting to the contact. Something to ease her mind.

Thank you both so much

[imprttuner2]

I took y'alls advice and wrote a nice little break the ice letter today. Kinda nice working down the hall from my adoption counselor so I walked it on down. She thought it was great and is going to send it out tomorrow/today (haven't gone to sleep yet so it's not tomorrow for me lol)

I'll keep everyone posted as to how it's going.

[imprttuner2]

Figured I'd toss an update out there. Well... 2 months since I sent the first letter, and no response. The letter did not come back as undelivered so we're assuming that it went thru. I'm going to guess cold feet have turn to frozen on her part. She has all the time in the world to write back, but at a half a year since I learned that she was searching...

Anyway, sorry to rant, but I dont have many places to vent about this. Hope y'all are doing great and having a wonderful day.

[sstuart]

I am sorry about the wait. I am glad that you did update though. Are you absolutely positive that SHE recieved the letter. Also there could be something that drastically changed in her life that cause her to stop searching. Maybe there was a big change like job loss or death and now she is too overwhelmed. Give her time. I hope that she contacts you and all goes well. Good luck!

[bakerjw]

Don't worry about ranting or venting. A lot of us are on hold too so to speak. You at least have the ear of the counselor handling your case.

The person handling my case sends out a batch of letters and we wait. Well, I wait until my patience runs out and I send her an e-mail reminding her that I did pay for their efforts and that it'd be nice to get an occasional update. SO I can EASILY understand where you're coming from.

Did you include a post card when you sent the letter? I am sure that you know all about the post card. If you didn't send one would the counselor be willing to send another small letter with a post card? All the letter needs to say is "I understand that this can be emotionally difficult and I am willing to wait. Can you please return this post card to let me know that you did receive it? Thanks."

Something simple.
Hang in there. I do.
Best wishes.
John

[KittyMay]

Any update yet? I know when I called my bmom for the first time, I almost hung the phone up. It was as if I was hollering at myself "what are you doing, are you nuts?" because I knew no matter what, that was the point of no return and life would never be the same. It all worked out great and we are very close. But at that moment, I vacillated through the whole range of emotions. I hope things worked out for you. (hugs)

[bakerjw]

Yeah, what Kitty said. Keep us updated.

[imprttuner2]

My update is... well a lack of an update... I walk down the hall and talk with the counselor about once every other week now... It seems like my B-Mom has dropped off the grid. She is getting no response to any calls that she's made. Now... granted it took them 3 weeks to find me down the hall from them... I don't have the Highest confidence in their searching abilities. If I was her I'd probably be doing foot searches by now. Door to door thru relatives and whatnot. She feels horrible that this is taking so long. I keep telling her not to worry about it. I've waited 28 years to meet her. I can wait a bit more.

In the meantime I've updated all my info on several different registeries in case they are trying to do any other kinds of searches. Also I've been doing my own searches to the best of my ability with the little information I've been given. Guess it's a race to see who finds her first lol!

Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts everyone.

[imprttuner2]

Also, I wanted to post up a copy of the letter that I sent. I have it posted in the B-parent section to, but I would love feedback from y'all as well. And it did go thru to her address, but we have no confirmation about delivery to her.

Forum First Letter.doc

Thank y'all again

[Nellie9580]

This was my letter to my bmom - just found her not too long ago.

Dear Vonna,

I would like to start by introducing myself: I am Pamela Green, 28 years old, from Westchester, NY. I was born on September 5, 1980 in Houston Texas by a woman named Vonna Sears. The adoption agency/lawyer involved was Leslie Thacker. I have just started my active search to find my birth mother and have been fortunate to have had some help finding possible matches using resources from adoption.com. With that said…..

I have wanted to write to you for a very long time, but, due to a loss for words, it has taken me until now to finally do so. I have spent countless night lying in bed asking myself how I was supposed to write a letter to a women whom I have never met before, but who is, at the same time, far from a stranger.

My main purpose for writing this is to thank you. Twenty-eight years ago you did perhaps the most selfless and beautiful thing I could ever imagine, you gave me a second chance to be part of a family.

You should rest assure that there is no better family with whom you could have placed me. The Greens have loved, protected, nurtured, guided me, and have done everything imaginable to assure my wellbeing and happiness. They have always encouraged me to be the best that I can be in all that I do.

I have always known I was adopted, and for as long as I’ve known I’ve wondered about you…who you are where you live, what you’re like, if I look like you, and all the other questions which inevitably pass through an adoptee’s mind. As I grew I not only came to better understand the meaning of adoption, but to be able to appreciate the absolute beauty of it. My adoption, has played a very large roll in my life and has come to mold me into who I am today. It has shaped me in more ways than anyone can imagine. I believe that in some ways my being adopted has made me a better person. I appreciate life and everything in it, I accept the good with the bad, and want nothing more than to give something back for all the chances I’ve been given. I have been truly blessed because of your decision.

I apologize as deeply as it is possible, if this letter has come as a shock, or if it has caused you or your family pain in anyway. That was not my intent. I wanted only to thank you for everything and to let you know that I am thinking of you as I have often over these past twenty-eight years. Most importantly you need to know how very much I admire you for all that you have done. Strong enough words do not exist to properly describe my gratitude. You gave me a second chance at life, and for that I respect you more deeply than you will ever know. I hope someday to be able to thank you in person, and be able to meet your husband and beautiful children, but until that day the best that I can do is to write it. Thank you for everything!

I understand that you may not be in a place were you are ready to correspond and that such a time may in fact never come, but you should know that if that is the case that the doors will always remain open if you ever change your mind.

If there is a chance that you would like to respond back to me, my e-mail address is madison9580@hotmail.com If you would be so kind, if you are not the right person, could you possibly e-mail me back to let me know, as this is the beginning on my search and I would like to continue my pursuit to finding “my” Vonna Sears.


Sincerely,

Pamela Green-Knowles

[SoniaRose]

Nellie, that is a beautiful letter you wrote to your bmom!!! I believe I read on the forums that you are in reunion -- congratulations!!!

Imprttuner2, hang in there...it's a good sign that your bmom is looking for you...now you just have to find her. It's hard to know what to do when you don't get a response -- it is very possible that she never received your letter. There could be many potential scenarios. After some time, you could always write a follow-up letter? Perhaps you could send it so that she would have to sign upon delivery?

I like your letter also -- I think it's always nice when the adoptee says "thank you" to the bmom. It's not as sentimental as Nellie's letter, but it works too. If I were a bmom, I'd be happy to receive either one.

Best of wishes.

[imprttuner2]

Nellie... I love your letter. I wish i would have had a chance to incorporate some of that in mine...

Sonia... That letter was sent the first week of May. I sent a follow up letter with delivery confirmation about 2-3 weeks ago (give or take a week). Still waiting to see. Took Baker's advice and included the postcard with yes no check boxes. I just find it odd that she started the search, then backed off completely. I'm not shocked or anything. I'm sure it's even more of a rollercoaster for her then it is for me.