[LongJourneyHome]

Hello,

I am looking for some advice, commentary and suggestions, as I prepare to make contact with my mom in Poland.

I am 35 years old today, and was born in Warsaw-Poland in 1973, 7 days before Christmas. After my birth, I lived with my mom for 7 weeks, until I went to live in an orphanage in Warsaw. When I was 18 months old, my biological mom relinquished custody of me. She signed papers giving me up. I got moved to another orphanage, in a smaller town. For some reason, she was still legally-tied to me all that time (18 months). I don't know what happened. What changed things.....why she severed ties with me.

Children who lived in Polish orphanages, weren't always 100% orphans. Many children lived at the orphanage, if their parents couldn't adequately take care of them. Some parents would visit their children when they could: on weekends, monthly visits, etc. I don't remember any visits, but this is how I was told the orphanages operated. My records indicate I also had been sick with anemia.

I have searched on and off, for more than a dozen years. I have old messages posted on this very website, dating back to 1999 - under an old username, when I had a different e-mail address. One time, I even foolishly paid someone $400 over the internet, 13 years ago, to work on my case. I never heard from that person again.

My search started making real progress, after I decided to hire a detective in Poland about 14 months ago. I always had my mother's first & last name and my original birth certificate number. I was fortunate in this respect, compared to so many adoptees here in the USA. Within weeks, the detective found out my mother's date of birth, occupation when I was born, old address, etc. There wasn't any information about the identity of my father.

Poland has very strict privacy laws. I heard they don't generally publish people's names and phone numbers in the "white pages" in the phone book. If I wanted to find someone, we needed to contact the Polish gov't Central Address Office. With my mom's name and date of birth, they located her in a computer.

The Polish gov't sent my mother a letter and informed her that her biological son was requesting her address. The letter mentioned the name of the Polish Firm that was representing my interests in this matter. The letter made no mention of my original "first & last" name, which she would recognize.

My name as it is today, ever since my adoption, was given. BIG MISTAKE....I think. I would have liked the letter to have included "my original Polish first and last name." -Something she would recognize.

We got a letter back, letting us know that my bio mom declined the request. The Polish gov't did not forward her address. I was stunned.... Somewhat upset. I didn't even get 1-word in....edge-wise. -Nothing.

I speculated there may be several different reasons why she declined to release her address. Possible confusion with the name. Maybe she has children that don't know about me. Perhaps she was worried I would show up at her door un-announced. She probably doesn't realize I live in the United States and there is an entire ocean between us. If she knew this, maybe she would feel better about communicating with me. Maybe she thought I would be mad or upset with her. Also, maybe she just needed time to process all of this.

This was very frustrating, but I continued on without my detective. Very recently, with some help of some other people in Poland, I found out where my mother lives. We also found out who else lives in the house with her. A man 2 years older than her, a guy about 29 years old, and a young lady, about 20 years old.

They all have the same last name. The same last name I had, when I was born. I believe there are 2 possibilities here. Either my mom is married, with her 2 grown children in the house. Or she shares a house with her brother who is divorced, and the 2 younger adults in the house, are his children. I don't even know if my mom has a brother. Right now, I'm leaning towards the idea the man of the house is married to my mom, and the younger adults are her children.

Also, the 2 young adults, who I believe are her son & daughter, both have Polish web pages, on a Polish website that is very similar to the U.S. equivalent of MySpace or FaceBook. I can't really speak or read Polish, but I was able to figure out which buttons on the website, do what, so I could navigate it and search for people and set up my own page / profile (with pictures). A profile with my original polish name (given at birth).

I can clearly see the pictures of these 2 young adults that share the same house with my mother. I am 100% certain I am looking at the correct web pages, for several reasons. There are less than 200 people in the country of 38 million plus, that share this same name. Both of these people have each other as contacts on their web pages. Plus, my mom lives in a town of less than 10,000 people. The name of this small town, is noted just under their names.

I feel that the 29 year old guy, looks nothing like me at all. He's got heavy-dark black eye-brows and is bald. I have dark blond hair and all my hair. His nose, eyes and chin are different. I see no similarities, besides the fact that he served in the military, like me.

But I feel the young lady bears a very strong resemblance to me. I copied their pictures to an e-mail and sent it to a few of my friends. Three of my friends that looked at the e-mail so far, all commented on "how much" she looks like me. -In her eyes and facial structure. I'm starting to believe she is indeed my step-sister.

In trying to figure out why this 29 year old guy doesn't look like me, I'm starting to get a feeling where this may be going.

The people at the orphange told my adoptive mom in 1975, that my biological mom was young and couldn't take care of me on her own. They also told her that my birth father was a professor and that he was already married and had a family of his own.


I'm beginning to believe that maybe my mom "really did" have an affair with a married man. Since the 29 year old who lives with her now (possibly her son) was in the military, maybe his father was also in the military. Perhaps my mom met a man in 1973, while her husband was away on active duty.

But I don't know if that theory could help explain why she kept me for 7 weeks, then let me live in an orphange until I was 18 months old, before legally severing her relationship with me.

I plan to send a letter to my mom in a few weeks. It will be written in Polish. I have some friends who can help me with this.

I was thinking about including a gift, but have since scratched that idea. Her family might see a package from the United States and she might open it in front of them and with pictures I want to include and the entire emotion of the moment, that could be a total disaster.

I plan to send a registered letter. I will not include my polish name or legal name, in the return address. Maybe a P.O. Box or address of a friend. In the body of the letter itself, of course, would clearly state my address in the USA.

The goal is to at least get the letter opened. She might not open it, or her husband might throw it away, if he knows about "my existence." If he sees my birth name in the return address.

What do you think I should say ?

I don't really want the letter to be very emotional. I want to let her know I have been trying to contact her, live in the United States, do not wish to disrupt her life. Have been curious about her, as well as my past, for many years. It would let her know that I would never show up at her door un-announced.

I would let her know that I have never been mad or angry with her, for 1 single day in my life. Sure.....sad sometimes, but never angry with her. Whatever happened....happened, and I'm okay with it. I don't take it personal. I would just like to know who my mother is and the truth about my past.

Of course, my eventual goal is to obtain some information about my father in the future, but I would NOT mention this in the initial letter. I would provide my mailing address and e-mail address. I would also invite her to visit a website. The website that is the Polish equivalent of MySpace or FaceBook, where I already have a page with a few pictures. I would NOT mention that I have visited the websites of her 2 children. I wouldn't say anthing about them.

I am wondering how many pictures (if any), I should include with my initial letter. I figure a current picture would be good, along with a copy of my orignal passport (with a toddler photo of me), that is still affixed to the passport book. I was debating including several pictures taken of me, as I was growing up.

I also want to include copies of Polish court-related documents from 1975, that have her name on them. The documents related to her giving me up, as well as me being adopted. They are in Polish and would help tell the story about how I came to live in the United States. If she was convinced I no longer live in Poland and am not a threat to her privacy and her family, perhaps this would allow her to feel better about communicating with me.

The last time I visited Poland, was 1987. My goal is to visit Poland again. Maybe next summer. I would like to tour the country and meet my family. I wouldn't mention any of this, until several months down the road, after we being communicating.

Unless my mother speaks English, I will be unable to talk with her on the phone. I would not mention this to her in my initial letter. I can still communiate effectively with her, by utilizing Google Language Tools, which will translate Polish to English and my English letters (to her) in to Polish.

I would really......really appreciate any commentary or advice anyone could offer. -Thank you for reading my story.

[kune]

Wow - what an amaazing story. I can offer no help, but I am intrigued and will watch the forum for updates.

I am a reunited "old" birthmother to a 37 year old son who found me. Our first communication was by letter and he gave me tiny details about himself - enough to want me to know more. He kept it simple, from the heart, explained why he needed to know who he was and where he came from and expressed a wish to take an active part in my life. Like you, we have an ocean that seperates us but we try to meet every 6 months or so. It hasn't all been plain-sailing but every moment has been a beneficial. It was a huge opportunity I was given and I would never have considered turning him down.

I hope your wishes become your reality. I admire your courage and fortitude and do believe in karma - what we give out comes back three-fold so as long as we act with the best of intentions in a loving respectful way, our needs will be met.

I'll keep watching to see what ensues.

Ann

[LongJourneyHome]

Originally Posted by kune

I hope your wishes become your reality. I admire your courage and fortitude and do believe in karma - what we give out comes back three-fold so as long as we act with the best of intentions in a loving respectful way, our needs will be met.

I'll keep watching to see what ensues.

Ann

Thank you for your comments...

Yes, I do believe in Karma. And I already have experienced it (in a way), during my search.

Several months ago, my detective friend (in Poland) stopped working on my case. He did everything he could think of, up to that point. He didn't know what else to do.

A few weeks later, I asked him to start working on my step-sister's case, to find her family in Poland. When I was adopted from the Polish orphanage in 1975, my new parents also adopted a girl from the same orphanage, at the same time. She has been my sister ever since, but we are not blood relatives.

I figured I'd let the detective work on her case. Even if I wasn't going to be able to locate or find my family, I would have felt good about things, if I could at least find my sister's family for her. I told my sister I would pay for the search and it would be part of her Christmas gift.

Several weeks ago, the detective decided to go for a drive to a small town and visit an "old address," where my sister's biological mother lived, 34 years ago. He thought he might be able to talk to some old neighbors, and someone might know where my sister's mother lives today and what her last name might be.

He was surprised to find that she still lived at the same address. Her new husband answered the door. My detective friend said he wanted to talk to Bozena. He said it was important.....but confidential. The husband blew him off....and said Bozena was sick.

My friend found her number in the local phone directory and called the house. Bozena picked up the phone. They spoke for about 3 minutes.

The "Very Next Day," my friend in Poland, sends me an e-mail, telling me she just found out where my own mother lives.

So yes, I do believe I invited some "good karma" in to my life. I didn't need to help my sister. Here neither of us had any of this information for 30+ years, but we both got the addresses we wanted, just 1 day after the other.

[SoniaRose]

That is quite a story! It sounds like you have done a lot of successful research. But I understand your frustration in getting the notice that your bmom declined your request -- you deserve a better answer than that! You need a chance to explain yourself and your motives.

I like the idea of a registered letter (will you get a receipt after she signs for it? how can you be sure she gets it instead of her husband?). A letter is better than a gift, and pictures are good -- maybe one could be a grammar or high school portrait, and, as you said, a current photo as well. The letter should be simple (especially since you will have to have it translated) -- just a few facts about yourself, your reasons for wanting contact (medical history?), and your promise not to disrupt her life.

It's interesting that you plan to go to Poland next summer. If she doesn't respond to your letter, I think you should knock on her door and see what happens (maybe you shouldn't specifically mention that you have no intention on showing up at her door unannounced.) If your bmom declines all communication with you, then I think you have the right to try to contact your possible half-sister in Poland through the Polish Myspace -- you might get some of your answers from her.

I wish you lots of luck -- keep accumulating that good karma.

[bakerjw]

I agree with Sonia in that you do deserve a better answer than you received. My bmom attempted contact with from out of the blue and it knocked me for a loop. Everybody wanted to have input and it was like I had to make an on the spot decision.

My assumption is that since the government was involved that it was a "Your son is looking for you. Do you want to have contact?"

I can guarantee you that if I had received a letter from my bmom and not had someone else open it and gotten to think about it and decide in my own time then I probably would have opened a line of communication.

I am all for a heartfelt letter without getting all mushy and emotional. If I were to get to ever send a letter to my bmom it would be like you said. A letter to say "Hi. This is who I am. I won't intrude, but I'd like for us to get to know each other better."

Send a certified letter and the do the postcard (simple questions and check boxes yes I got the letter. No I don't want contact. Maybe. give me time. etc...) if you can from Poland to here.

[LongJourneyHome]

SoniaRose & bakerjw :

Thank you for your thoughts and comments...

I plan to send a letter to my biological mother, sometime in the next 2 weeks. I know someone who is Polish, that can help me draft a letter (in Polish).

I can convert my mesages to Polish, with the aid of the computer (Google Language Tools), but I figure the 1st letter is critical. It should be error free as possible. This is why I will let someone help me with the initial letter.

Hopefully the fact that I do not live in Poland and "have not" lived in Poland for 30+ years, will help her to feel more comfortable with the idea of communicating with me.

It's not like I'm going to show up at her house on weekends or ask to spend Christmas & Easter with her family.

It's been about a month now, since the investigator I hired in Poland, visited the address of my step-sister's mother and talked to her on the phone.

My biological mother does not know that I have her address. I've had it about a month now, but figured I would wait a few weeks, to be certain about how I felt about this and to think about what the initial letter to her should say.

But my sister has not sent a letter to her mother yet. About a month has passed already, since the investigator talked to her mother on the phone for approximately 3 minutes.

The investigator asked my step-sister's biological mother on the phone, if she would like to give her address to my sister. The mother said "no." -But I don't know if that is an answer someone should really take at face value.

I mean, it's been 35 years. The entire phone call had to be a total shock to her mother. The investigator mentioned in his e-mail to me (several times), that "she seemed very....very surprised."

Again, the phone conversation was extremely brief. Just 3 minutes. Perhaps the mother figured the detective would give out her address anyway.

But I wonder what thoughts my sister's biological mother might be having. I'm thinking about sending a postcard soon, to just let her know that my sister will be in contact with her (via a letter), within a few weeks.

I wonder if her mother is upset with herself, for saying "No" on the telephone. Maybe she is replaying the entire phone conversation in her mind......sick with the thought that maybe she made a mistake. Perhaps she checks the mail each day, hoping for a letter.

I told my sister she should think about sending her mother a letter soon. She said she wasn't sure if she was ready.

Maybe she does need time to process this. But I don't think it's fair to her mother, to leave her hanging like this, after someone already visited her house and talked to her on the telephone.

Maybe my sister is waiting for me to contact my mother first.

I think I might send her mother a very brief letter. My step-sister said she would be okay with this. I might mention that I am a step-brother of her biological daughter, that I also live in the United States and that I was adopted from the same orphanage in Poland. I would could let her know that my sister will be sending her a letter within several weeks.

I could ask her to visit my Polish web-page, if she would like to communicate with me.

But in the end, I'm probably going to be writing and translating most of the communciation between my sister and her mother, after the intial letter gets sent. My sister (age 35) is not very computer literate and she doesn't have a clue how to use Google Language Tools to communicate. And she lives a couple hours from me too...

I will post again, as things develop. Hopefully......sometime within the next few weeks.

[SoniaRose]

I hope your letter is coming along. You might mention that your letter is translated from English, so she doesn't have any misunderstandings from a possible error in phrasing. Keep us posted on any developments.

I'm confused with your term "step-sister" -- wouldn't your adopted sister be your sister, and the possible daughter of your bmom be your half-sister? Or am I reading it wrong?

I guess you might as well send out similar letters to each bmom since you have to put so much time into writing them. I wish you luck, and hope you get two positive responses.

I mentioned earlier that you could always show up at her door in you don't get a response -- normally I don't suggest that the adoptee knock on a bmom's door, but in your case, since she is on the other side of the globe, I think that you should take advantage of that opportunity next time you go to Poland.

My bparents both emigrated from Europe shortly before I was born. They met because they spoke a similar language. It's so strange for me to read the social worker's report that my bmom spoke limited English with a very heavy accent -- and I grew up the all-American girl -- my aparents never even told me what nationality I was. As adoptees, I think we always wonder how different our lives would have been had we been raised by our bparents or adopted by a different family. It's so strange to imagine myself growing up speaking another language.

It's interesting that you spent most of your first 2 years in a Polish orphanage. It's sad, though, that you didn't really have a chance to bond with a mom during that formative time.

Anyway, best of wishes with your letter writing. Glad you have someone to help you with your Polish.

[MyAdoptionJourney]

hey!!! your story is intense! I found my biological parents 7 years ago and have talked to them almost everyday since. If you want to talk about the decision your making ill be more than happy to be a pair of ears or even advice! I wish you the best!

<3R

[LongJourneyHome]

It's been several months, since I last posted a message under this thread. I had a minor set-back, but have some good news now.

Several months ago, I was sure I had "correct" information about my mother back in Poland. Information about where she lived and 2 young adults (her children) - that we were sure were my younger brother and sister.

I sent a letter to the address in Poland, a few months ago. The letter was written in Polish. I did not get a reply.

Last weekend, I decided to contact 1 of the young adults on the Polish version of Facebook. I can't speak or write Polish, but the computer (Google Language Tools) does a good job of translating my messages.

His name is Jacek. He was cordial with me. We exchanged a few messages. It turns out, I had the wrong person all along. His mother is not my mother.

I believe him. It's a coincidence that his mother and my mother both share the same first and last name, and both have the same birthday.

I even sent him copies of all the old documents I had. He really wanted to see if what I was saying was true. But his mother never lived near Warsaw, Poland. And her last name is the same as my mothers, only by marriage.

Next, I traded a few messages with a contact back in Poland. This contact checked a few things and is absolutely sure (this time) that we have the correct home address, phone number, employer and married name. I never had my mother's married name before.

Granted it's been several months, but the good news is we are certain we have the right person now. Everything is a match, including the middle name and date of birth. Plus, she still lives close to Warsaw, where she lived when I was born. I also found out she has a son. Probably to her current husband.

So now, I'm debating what might be the best way to proceed. I have several options to choose from.

A cousin from my American family, currently is working in Poland. He is living in Poland with his wife, who is a native of Poland.

His wife told me that they plan to travel to Warsaw in about 3 weeks. She offered to stop by the hospital or medical facility where she (my mother) works and hand-deliver my letter to her.

She suggested this, after telling me that it is quite common in Poland, for husbands of wives in Poland, to open their wife's mail. When I said I was planning to send a letter this week, my cousin's wife said the husband might get to the letter first.

Now that I think about it, perhaps this is what happened before. And it may even be possible, that my mother (in Poland) never even got a letter from the government, informing her that her son was trying to reach her. Maybe the husband kept this letter to himelf and sent a reply back to the government, on her behalf, without her knowledge.

Right now, we know what organization she works for. But we do not know which medical facility or hospital she works at in Warsaw. The website we visited, showed a map with 5 locations. I suppose I could have someone call the different places, and talk to someone in information, to figure out where she works.

These are my options now:

Option 1. Let my American cousin and his wife hand-deliver the envelope to her. This might be okay. Woman to woman. This might be better than me sending my detective friend (back in Poland) to do this for me. My mother might wonder, who is this man - this stranger ?

Option 2. Is to ask my American cousin and his wife to phone the house and ask for my mother. My cousin's wife is fluent in Polish. Perhaps she could call in the evening and say they will be stopping by in 15 minutes, to leave an envelope for her on the front porch. She could also say it is from a relative in the United States. I'm not sure how she would feel, about a stranger stopping by her house.

Option 3 - is the original option. Just mail a letter, and hope she gets to it, before her husband.

Option 4 - Maybe I can sent the letter to my cousin in Poland. Then (perhaps)....maybe he can send it registered mail to her, where she will only get it, when SHE herself signs for it. Nobody else can sign for it. Not even her husband. The United States Postal Service does not provide a Registered Mail Delivery service, for international delivery.

We are 100 % we have the right person this time. My mother was a laboratory assistant when I was born. We have information now, that she works for a large medical provider in Warsaw.

[SoniaRose]

Congratulations on locating your bmother! I really hope everything works out well for you!

You're lucky to have a cousin in Poland who is so willing to help. I think Option 1 is the best -- someone should personally hand deliver the letter to her (after verifying her name, etc.) -- either at work or at her home. If they can't reach her at work, I think it would be fine to call her at home or stop by with the letter -- I don't think the letter should just be left on the porch. If options 1 and 2 are not successful, I would go with Option 4 because somehow you need to be sure that she actually gets the letter.

I presume you will ask in your letter that you would appreciate a response from her even if she doesn't want future contact. If she does not respond at all after some time, I think your cousin's wife can call her and ask if she received the letter. You deserve an answer one way or the other.

And I agree she might feel more comfortable being approached by a woman rather than a man, so it's good that your cousin's wife has offered to deliver the letter.

Best of wishes! Keep us posted.