[jawmac]

After some letters, e-mails and phone calls I finally met my Bmother two weeks ago, after 50 years. We shared some details and had a good first meeting. On parting though; she moved to hug me and I flinched noticeably. She has also tried to get me to call her Mom; which I won't do.
I like her; but she's not my mom.
I would like to meet my 1/2 sibs; and have some contact. But I'm not willing to become a family member.
I don't have sibs; and I had my mom & dad (deceased). I'm not sure how to keep things at arm's length so to speak; without hurting any feelings.
Any feedback?

[josh1788smom]

Please don't misunderstand this because I do not mean this mean in any way. I think it is a little weird she wants you to call her mom.

I just wanted to meet and get to know my bson. I think we have things in common and would have been friends. I didn't want him as "a member of the family". And I feel like that is a mean statement to make, but I really don't mean that mean. It seems sometimes like adoptees think birthmoms just aren't complete without them, and don't get me wrong, there is a lot about my experience that I would like to see resolved and complete, but as far as he was concerned, I just wanted to get to know him. I have young kids, and I told him, I thought they would be his biggest fans, and maybe they would have called him their brother, because I think they would have thought having an older brother is cool, but I didn't expect that he would leave the family that raised him and come spend Christmas with me.

Plus, I enjoy my family dynamic, and that dynamic does not include him. That is my husband and our children, and I want some time with just them. I don't think he should join my family, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to be friends with my bson.

If it's been 50 years, you and your bmom are both old enough to talk and be honest about what you want and hope to establish in this relationship. Be honest about what you need and are looking for. Maybe she is trying to do things she thinks you want her to do - like hug, etc. Keep in mind, if 50 years means your bmom is like 65-70 or something, she has totally different thoughts on adoption and all that. It was a messed up world back then as far as adoption was concerned. Maybe the book The Girls Who Went Away (or some variation of that title - I gave mine to my mom and have never seen it again) could help you understand some of her thoughts and feelings.

Good luck.

[jawmac]

Josh1788smom

Thanks for your response. My bmother has let me know in e-mails and when we met that she was open to me calling her mom; rather than refer to her by her first name.
I think she noticed my discomfort about this; much as she noticed me avoid being hugged. There have been some suggestions that inferred inclusion in her family situation.
Like I said; I don't have a problem meeting 1/2 sibs, and I don't want to hurt feelings, but I'm not looking for integration into her family.