[colleenlit]

Hello all - I just posted this under the adoptee forum, but now I realize I probably should have posted this here. I need advice about "first contact."

I am in an unusual position, but one which I've put myself willingly and take my responsibility seriously.

19 years ago, when I was in college a good friend of mine got pregnant by another friend. When Diane got dumped, she and I became best girlfriends and I tell you that baby probably knew my voice in her womb as much as her mothers. I think I was as close to the birthmother experience as a person possibly could be without being pregnant!

After she gave the baby up for adoption, we remained close friends for years, and recently still dear friends, just have lived in different states for many years and didn't speak often. Diane suffered from depression not because of the placement of her baby, but sadly a biochemical process that no medication, treatment, therapy was ever able to mitigate. Over the years it warped her sparkling personality and damaged her relationships and her ability to work. Six months ago she killed herself to the surprise of no one. She suffered terribly, and many who loved her most - including her mother - talked about the relief that she was finally at peace.

She wanted desperately to register herself as birthmother with the state registry, but was never emotionally ready for contact even though she kept baby pictures at her bedside for 19 years. Because of a promise I made to her years ago, after she died I registered with the state as a "birth aunt."

I got a call yesterday that I've been matched, and will be getting a letter from the agency with contact information very soon. My head is spinning. I embrace the opportunity to tell this young woman about her birthmother, and even be a part of her life as a "birth god mother" so to speak if I were welcomed. I look forward to connecting her to her birthgrandparents and that side of the family, and telling her what I know about her birth father. Of course, all in her time.

The dread is about telling her about her birthmother's suicide and long battle with psychiatric illness. I'm not shying away from the truth, but OH I'd so appreciate it if any of you could advise me how you'd want to be told. Should I write a letter with details? Write a letter with only brief info? Should I wait to hear from her? Should I call?

My second dilemma is contacting the birth grandparents. These are lovely people who have known me for the past 20 years. I know for sure they had put a few of Diane's things aside to give to her daughter if she ever sought them out, but dropping this news on them will surely be a thunderbolt. I will wait until I know that the young woman wants to be in contact with them before I speak to them, but again - advice please!

[gigglessa]

wow, that is lots to take in. First, its great that you have taken this on yourself for your friend. I am so sorry to hear that she will never get to meet her daughter but I know that she is happy that you will bring the family together.
As for telling her the information I think I would try and see what she does. She might have the same problems and giving all this info all at once might be overwhelming. Maybe you can wait till she makes contact and see what she can take or not take. I would mention that her mother passed but not sure how much to tell her all at once.
Good luck and keep us posted.

[jrainbow]

Colleen,
First of all, what a generous person you are and what a good friend. Your friend was so lucky to have you in her life.

Although my bmom wasn't dead, she just knew I had died in my teens - obviously that was the way her mind dealt with me. I was adopted in the 50's and it was an entirely different world then. I received an email from a friend of hers that had searched for me for over 6 months as a gift to bmom, the peace of knowing the rest of the story. She told me that "I'm a friend of your bmom and I want her only daughter to know what a marvelous person she is" Bmom would never have searched for me, although she has been thrilled about the reunion. It seems to me you could use something like that - of course, she will be upset that bmom is already gone and the way that it happened. But, she has someone who loved her bmom and can tell her all about bmom, stories, how she loved her, etc. There are enough secrets in adoption, you will need to be honest with her but tell her in a loving way.

One of the things you will need to practice, and probably tell her more than once, is that Diane was not depressed because of the placement and that she always loved her. As an adoptee, I worried that I had ruined my bmom's life by being born. Turns out that wasn't true but the fact of me certainly changed things.

Good luck ... and Diane was certainly lucky to have you, an angel, in her life.

Jill

[hurtingbdaughter]

Wow, what a sad story. Colleen, I'm glad that you had the courage to seek out this adoptee. As an adoptee, if anything happened to my bmom I would have wanted to know. Details may not be the best thing at first and I personally might not have wanted to know on the first meeting. I would want to develop some trust with teh person who was informing me of the circumstances so that when i found out I would feel safe enough to allow myself to expereince emotion.

This is a really sticky situation and I don't really know how to advise you.

As far as the grandparents go, I think your on the right track, talk to the adoptee first, then talk to the grandparents.

I know how overwhelming this is for you. When I first found out my bmom wanted contact with me, I was really overwhelmed too. That's not abnormal.

Hang in there.