[RaCHaeL125]

Hi. I was put up for adoption when I was three days old, and I just got the letter that my bmom wrote for me when I was just a baby, really wanting contact/pictures/letters and saying that giving me away was putting an ache in her heart and that she loves me. So I found her and the woman that handled the adoption back then sent her a postcard saying she had some information. The lawyer just called me on Thursday saying that my bmom called her and wants me to have her email address. she also said that we have been moving to the same states... we currently both live 3000 miles away from the last place we lived, both very impulsive moves for me. so anyways, i wrote her a letter. it basically has a long paragraph about how i am as a person and what i do with my life. i told her why i started to look for her, and that i started to look a little more after my car accident. i also let her know that i grew up in a great place and that i have always loved and missed her. i let her know that when i go to the beach i think of her and that every time i see anything beautiful i thank her for giving me my eyes, my sight. i know she never told her family about me... i was a child of rape. i can see that this will be very hard for her for all these feelings to come back, and i didnt bring up the rape in the letter, i just said that i understand that she never told her family and that i am ready to come into her life as much as she is ready for me to. it's kind of long.... i just really want to be honest with her about how i feel. i didnt let her know the angry stuff, but i did tell her how much i think of her and how i am terrified she wont like the person i have grown to be. is there anything i shouldnt say? i feel like everything is going to be overwhelming no matter what she hears, and i am sick of sugar coating things because i am scared of being rejected. i mean i left a couple things out, but i just wanted to say all the good that i could..... should i take out the part where i talk about myself? i dont want to overwhelm her with too much at once?? she did kind of ask for it though by giving me the email. she has mine too, but i havent heard from her yet. from what i understand she never had another baby either....

[-maggie]

Hello Rachael ~ I am a bmom and I have recently been talking with my daughter. I wish I could tell you exactly what your mom is thinking, but I can’t. I can tell you from my experience though.

is there anything i shouldnt say? Personally, I love to hear everything my daughter feels like sharing, the good and the bad. There is nothing that she cannot say to me. I think honesty is best. I don’t think that there is anything you could say to her to make her not love you. She won’t be disappointed in you! Maybe not tell all on the first conversation, get to know each other first. Stay within your own comfort zone!

i dont want to overwhelm her with too much at once?? It takes awhile to feel comfortable, for both of you, and that’s ok. The best advice I can give you, is to go slow and take time to process everything! It can become overwhelming at times, for both of you.

should i take out the part where i talk about myself? Absolutely not! JMO I think she will love to hear everything about you!

I think the hardest part of starting a reunion is the “walking on eggshells”. You are afraid of saying the wrong thing or misunderstanding what someone is trying to explain. The best thing to do if you are uncertain about anything is to ASK!

She wanted you to have her email address so she WANTS to have contact with you! Rachael she wants to hear from you…. She will be happy with whatever you say! It’s not so much the words that are important. What IS important is that they are your words!

Congrats on finding your bmom! Keep us posted on your reunion!

[susieloo]

a lovely lovely letter. As a bmom I would have loved to have recieved a letter like that...after 12yrs reunion i still dont really know what she is thinking.
I hpoe all goes well for u...take care and go slowly
Susie

[fatuesday]

Hi Rachael,
I'm responding a bit late, and you've probably already dealt with this, but here goes anyway.
I'm in the process of reuniting with my birthmother. This is all happening through a confidential intermediary at the agency that placed me. She provided the following guidance for my introductory letter (I had difficulty writing it, too).
-Mardi

GUIDELINES FOR LETTER OF INTRODUCTION: ADOPTEE

Your letter is your introduction to the birthparent you are searching for. This person is virtually a stranger to you, so your letter will serve as a first impression of you. In order not to overwhelm the birthparent, we recommend that the letter be no more than two pages (preferably one sheet front and back). As long as your handwriting is legible, it is more appreciated to receive a handwritten letter as your handwriting gives a sense of your personality to the recipient. In our experience, this is much more powerful than a typewritten letter.

This first contact should be non-identifying in nature. Use first names only if you want to be identified and do not include your address or telephone number.* The intent of this letter is to convey that you are a thoughtful and sincere person without any disreputable intent and that you are interested in your birthparent’s best interests as well as your own.

The letter should contain general information about you, such as your age, education, occupation, special talents or interests, marital status and whether you have any children. You may give a physical description, but we find that including photographs of yourself and/or your immediate family are extremely appreciated and much preferred. You may wish to include some short statement about why you are searching at this time. If you are unsure what should be included, put yourself in your birthparent’s position and imagine what you would want to know.

In general, if your background includes difficult information, this is not the time to share it, as you have not yet established any type of rapport. Negative adoption information, such as being placed with an abusive family, even if true, is not appropriate at this time. This type of information is best shared later, once a relationship has developed. Most birthparents report experiencing feelings of guilt over the relinquishment decision. They harbor the fear that their decision, which was made because it seemed to be the one that would be most beneficial for you, may not have turned out as well as they anticipated. If negative information is shared at the outset, that information may overshadow all other positive aspects of developing a relationship with you as their adult child.

If you feel grateful to your birthparent for the decision they made (i.e. to give your life and to plan adoption for you), you may briefly share this. If you desire information regarding updated medical/family background history, you may mention this and we will try to secure a Medical/Family Background History Update questionnaire. When contacting the birthmother, we recommend that adoptees not ask about the birthfather at first. This may yet be a painful subject for the birthmother and she will most likely share this information spontaneously at a later date.

To reassure the birthparent that you want a mutually beneficial relationship, you may include a statement that you would like to phone or meet, but will respect his/her need for time to process this contact and to determine his/her comfort level with meeting. In closing, sign the letter with your first name.