[teacher22]

I wrote to my bson about a week and a half ago. I had looked around on the internet and found that his aprents were still at the same address. I sent a letter to his amom and enclosed one for my bson.

Wow! I heard back from him a week later via email. I read it at 6 in the morning before I went to work so of course I was a wreck all day!

I couldn't have asked for a more positive response. My DH and I gave him up 18 years ago when we weren't married and he is interested in getting to know us and meet us.

I am on break as of Friday afternoon and it is all I can do to stay focused. I am fine with my students but man when they're gone I'm a mess! No one at work knows my situation and I'm trying hard to not walk around in a fog.
He wrote to me last on Monday night and I'm trying to wait until tomorrow to write him back. Right now I feel very needy and clingy and I so don't want that to come across to him!

He has had a wonderful life so far and seems so amazing. I so want to ask him when I can see him. I just don't know if it is too soon for me to do that. He and I have both emailed each other twice and DH has emailed him at least 4 times. Is it weird that I want a picture of him? He let us on to his myspace account and I have seen a lot of recent pictures so now I know what I'm missing.

I have put away all of this grief and guilt for so long that I think now it's really starting to come back and bite me. I should be walking on cloud nine and I am because I am elated, but I can't stop crying.

I guess I just wonder what to do or say next. He lives in another state unfortunately. I've already looked into how long it would take to get there! Ha Ha! He graduates from high school in the spring and I want to see that but I know I can't ask that yet.

See, I am like a runaway train. I want it all right now!

Thanks for letting me vent.

=)

[kune]

Congratulations teacher22 -
What you are feeling and how your brain is scrambling is all perfectly normal for a birthmother after the first contact. Before searching was a wish - but contact is reality and it hits us head-on. Be prepared for more of the same for days, weeks, months at least. I know... I reunited with my son 7 years ago and I still have moments of madness.... some days I am unsure whether to ring or write...... but life is sweet and beautiful most of the time, even if I sometimes miss the emotional tempests that kept me spinning in the early days of reunion.
I hope other newly reconciled mothers will reply to your post. Surround yourself with positive people, and read reunion literature so you can understand what could be possible. I think the Stages of Reunion was the best piece for me. I'm going to post it below.
Good luck - it sounds like you have a great beginning and a lot to look forward to.
Ann

RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION
(Author Unknown)

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:

Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world

Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests

Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other’s life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts.

Preoccupation with other party

Minor negotiations about relationship, ie. What to call birth parent

Some uncertainty about place or role in other’s life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:

One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back

Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience

Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:

Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development

If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again – different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile

If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:

Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back

Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection

Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:

Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas

Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge

[teacher22]

It nice to know that I'm not completely off my rocker!

Those stages seem pretty intense and a little bit scary. Do you think everyone experiences all of them?

I do know that I am very thankful for the contact that I do have so I'll just keep reminding myself of that!

[kune]

Like you I wondered if I would go through each and every stage. Mmmm....no I didn't. We never went through the disengagement stage. I think both my son and I really wanted this reunion to work. It wasn't a whim on his part to search. He really wanted to know who I was and what traits he had inherited.

He also wanted to know his 1/2 siblings. When he realised they were willing to know him and spend a little time when they could, but he'd never "fit" like they did, he needed time to fully understand his place in their life. Communication was sparce, and I thought "this is it" - he's going to pull away. BUT instead of waiting and guessing, I asked him how he felt, we talked often about one-sided relationships and how we could only control how he felt, not what other's chose to commit to.
Communication for us was the key. Keeping the questions going instead of being afraid and resorting to guessing and frazzled nerves. It took lots of courage to ask the hard questions - to say "hey, I was scared when you didn't call or answer my text. I need to know you are OK and to hear your voice." He said it helped him to know I cared and I wanted regular contact too. He thought perhaps he was "bothering" me. (AS IF!!!!!)

It's all a matter of taking baby steps and doing what your heart and head tell you is right for you.

Like I said before.....its all good. Nothing else is comparable and I think my reunion was the most defining moment in my long life. I came face to face with him and knew the special individual in front of me was mine and had been part of my life forever. Now I just had to get to know him as a person .... and life was wonderful.

Regards

Ann

[RiverRunner]

Teacher,

Congratulations! As an adoptee who recently sent a letter to my bmom, I can only imagine how excited you must be to have found your son. I think I can offer some perspective as an adoptee.

I imaine that although he may really want to form a relationship with you, he is likely weighing the impact on his aparents. I suspect he does not want to do anything to harm them. As adoptees of wonderful parents, we have a special need to proctect them as they have given us so much. I suspect that he in conflicted between wanting a relationship with you and not wanting to hurt them. Given the time in his life this may be exacerbated by the normal things teenagers experience.

I'd advise you to let him set the the pace. No matter what his aparents say about it, I think he will always be concerned about hurting them. I'd also try to find out where he was on wanting to locate you. I know that I did not begin searching until my mid-twenties and only did a superficial search then.

Enjoy the initial contact. Rest assured that this will progress, but I suspect it will progress better if your son sets the pace. Just my thoughts.

I understand how hard that may be. As I said, I just mailed a contact letter to my unknowing bmother four days ago. I am going to have to act with the same restraint and patience.

I wish you all the best. From what you've said, I am sure this will turn out nicely. Give your son the space. He'll respect you for that.

While you wait, you can get together answers to all those question he has. Gather photos of your family, put together that family tree that shows his biological lineage, the medical history (should he want it), and all the questions you have for him. Maybe you can write your story for him. I suspect it would be one of the most precious gifts he ever received.

I wish you all the best!

River

[teacher22]

Kune-I just read your quote at the bottom of your page and I am blown away. You are so right. I keep trying to remind myself to breathe and now I can even think of this quote! Thanks!

River-you are very sweet. I really hope you have the same luck that I have had. I think the holidays are totally exacerbating my craziness. I purposely wait 2 days to reply to him and he seems to also. Though some days he responds the same day to my DH when they email each other. I constantly think about him but I have not told anyone that except my close friends.

I really do wonder how his aparents are handling this. His amom did email me and I replied to her, but I have not heard from her since. She did mention that my initial letter made her very emotional but in a positive way.

I honestly have a hard time wrapping my head around this everyday.

As I said before, I am going to be happy for what I have. Like Kune's quote said, I didn't have this before, it used to be just a wish!

=) Thanks as always for listening!

[kakuehl]

Hi, Congratulations! I remember the flying high feeling. (It began for me when I found D on this site!) Do remember to breathe deeply! The advice to take it slow is always good... hard to follow sometimes, but good. I think D and I had been in contact, mostly IMing and emailing for about a month before we planned our first face to face. Many people would say that was too soon... for us it worked. D was older (33) which may have made the difference. Three years later our relationship is doing fine. we also haven't experienced a pullback in our relationship.
Do remember that he is young. Senior year in high school is challenging enough with all the changes kids face even before you add birth parents into the mix. Has he said how his aparents feel about the reunion?

That said... ask him if he feels it's too soon to plan a f2f. If you'd like a picture, ask for one. Try to avoid making him feel like you are pressuring him.

Above all, Enjoy!