[nicavonn]

I made contact 16 yrs ago with my b-mom. 2 yrs later i tried to contact the b-dad thru a mutual friend of theirs. i was told that he was not interested in a meeting because his marriage was unstable and he had a 14-yr-old daughter and this brought up issues (they were 14 when i was conceived). i found out a little bit about his family and now - thanks to the internet - i have found my b-bro and b-sis online. but i have not reached out to them for fear that they do not know i exist and i would not want to upset their family.
i am wondering if anyone can help me out with some advise on this? anyone experienced a situation like this? can you share some common sense with me about how to handle this or go about it? also i would be interested to hear from any b-sibs about how they felt about being contacted or learning of adopted b-sibs...any dos and don'ts?

btw, i have tried to find the b-dad thru people finders and not only does he have one of the most generic names but it's as if he has hidden all public information or i don't have enough to make a definite ID.

also i should mention the b-sibs are in their mid and late 20s. i am 39.

[Dickons]

It is so hard to know you have siblings and be terrified to contact them because you do not want to cause them any pain.

Are you still in contact with b-mother? The mutual friend? I would try that route first and if you are still drawing a blank on your b-father then...

Consider the options, go with what is right to you. I had a confidential intermediary contact my siblings...it did not go well and I was devastated but they also had a lot on their plate and I am still holding out hope they will come around (but not too much hope).

I have also read many stories about how great the reunion between siblings went. You will never know until you do it, be positive but also prepared for monumental pain as well.

I do believe everyone has the right to know their family, even if it requires a direct contact with someone who never knew about you.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[snuffie]

I agree with Dickons. I do think that we have a right to know our family. It is also good to read about reunions, good and bad. There are families who welcome a brother or sister with open arms and others who do not. In my own reunion, there is a sibling who only wants minimal contact and a birth cousin who wants absolutely no contact whatsoever. (Long story.)

I contacted my bsiblings when they did not know about me. Luckily, my first contact was with a sister who believed me right away and slowly introduced the idea of another sister to rest of the family.

Best wishes to you!

Snuffie

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by Dickons

It is so hard to know you have siblings and be terrified to contact them because you do not want to cause them any pain.

Are you still in contact with b-mother? The mutual friend? I would try that route first and if you are still drawing a blank on your b-father then...

Consider the options, go with what is right to you. I had a confidential intermediary contact my siblings...it did not go well and I was devastated but they also had a lot on their plate and I am still holding out hope they will come around (but not too much hope).

I have also read many stories about how great the reunion between siblings went.

I do believe everyone has the right to know their family, even if it requires a direct contact with someone who never knew about you.

Kind regards,
Dickons

Dickons is as usual, correct. I am a Firstmom, but if I have not been a respetful mother to my children, by being honest with them, then this is no ones fault but my own. This also goes for Firstdads, if he has not been honest with his children, then he has failed his children...again this is not your fault. If you wish to contact YOUR sibs, then be respectful enough to tell which ever firstparent you can contact, you will be contacting them, for it is your desire to know them, and your inherent right. I wish you much luck, and also to re-iterate, dickons, be prepared for emotional hurdles. You have the right to know your first-families! Happy holidays and Blessings!

[nicavonn]

thank you for your input. technically i am in contact with the b-mom but she hasn't returned my last 2 phone calls (placed over the last 3 months) so i am guessing she is occupied with something. i thought to try the mutual friend again but without her calling me back i don't know.

i talked to my counselor about this and she felt that since the sibs are adults that i could contact them but she urged me to to some research and see what others have experienced. ultimately my goal is to find the b-dad so i can't go thru him.

dickons - did you have a random intermediary make the contact? i am trying to imagine who could this for me.

Much thanks for the warning of the potential pain and rejection.

[winter444]

Hi, I was in a similar situation.
I was in contact with my bmom for a while which was a complete disaster, long story, but before I contacted my 1/2 siblings I did write to her to let her know this is what I would like to do, I thought letting her know was the right thing to do, she never answered my letter so I did contact them.
I wrote a letter to each of them and they were so happy to hear from me, 2 are a little torn but have said they are happy I contacted them.
The thing is, I didn't want to be an old lady looking back wishing I'd reached out to them, that would be so sad. Even now though, being in contact with my siblings, there is still quite a bit of pain involved, so many emotions etc but I'm glad I did it.
I thought I would never hear back from any of them and really thought about the pain I would feel if that happened but I was in total pain anyway knowing they were out there and had no idea I even existed.
I would definately contact your siblings, after letting your bmom know this is what you need to do, at least you are giving her the chance to tell them too, I'd advise not going through anyone else, write directly to each of them, again I know from experience going through another person to contact them can be a disaster, people sometimes feel they are in charge and get in the way of what should be a reunion between just you and your siblings, it can cause all kinds of problems that should not be happening.
They need to be able to decide what they want and you just never know how someone is going to react.
I absolutely agonized over writing to them, what if they hate me, what if they don't want to know....but in the end it was really my husband who said, If you don't send the letters you will never know what would have happened and at the very least your brothers and sisters will know you exist, so off to the post office I went!!
It was a huge relief to mail them!
I wish you so much luck in whatever you decide, I know it's scary, by the way one of my 1/2 siblings told me she would have searched for me if she'd known I existed! You just never know what is going to happen, take care and look after yourself.

[nicavonn]

winter444. would you be willing to share your letter with me? i now have the courage to do this but every time i start the letter, i don't know how to write this.
my address:
nica.vonn@gmail.com

[blondie_boo]

I think I may have found one of my birth siblings on myspace. I am thinking of contacting her but have no idea what to say. No even positive it is her of if it is if she even knows about me. Need some advice please....

[blondie_boo]

I did find my half sister and turns out I have a full blooded brother. They did not know about me but my sister was thrilled about the situation. I haven't spoken to any other relatives except for her son who sent me a message on myspace asking to accept his friend request so he could look at my pictures I have posted. All correspondence has been done by email which is perfect for me. It is all so overwhelming. I am in Texas and they all live in Tennessee.

[D28Bob]

I was just as torn as the posts above. My birth mother refused to discuss anything with me, even my birth father's name (turned out she NAMED me for him!) So I found him as well. My advice - gather support and strength from those around you, and go ahead as soon as you are able.

By the time I found my birth parents, a half sister on each side had already died of cancer. I just missed one by a matter of weeks. I still have a half brother on each side; I have written to my paternal one and not heard back yet; I have given up on my mother so as soon as I can find contact information I will contact my maternal half brother as well.

I have decided to not let my birth parents' inability to deal with their loss become my inability as well - I've spent most of my life fearing hurting someone emotionally and finally have decided my pain is no less than theirs. Besides, I have children of my own and they deserve to know their heritage as well.

[squirrelly]

Nicavonn, I’ll share my story with you, not because it’s all about me, but because I believe you may be able to take something away from it.

I am 41 years old, raised by my biological mother and my dad who adopted me when he married my mom. My biological father has never been in the picture and for many, many, many years denied his paternity, even as recently as five years ago when I did make contact with him.

To make a really long story as short as possible, I found one of his kids on MySpace. I messaged him, explaining the situation. I apologized for contacting him like that but there were really no alternatives, as we live in different parts of the country. He didn’t respond. I waited a few months and wrote him again, this time, more assertive. Still, no response.

In the interim, some friends persuaded me to use Facebook to keep up with them. It took me a while to sign up because I don’t like to spread my info too thin out there on the InterWebs  The first thing I did was look for my biological father’s last name and general vicinity. I found three, all in their 20s, all looking very much alike. I messaged one who I believed to be a son. Told him the same things I told the first one. He was shocked, but not standoffish at all. He told his two sisters and within a day, I was on the phone with the two girls, learning about them and comparing idiosyncrasies, bad skin and German tempers. I found out from one of them that a month earlier, I was the subject of a partial-family dinner conversation, at which point my biological father finally admitted to his family that he is, in fact, my father. I told him five years ago all I wanted was for him to acknowledge me and to get to know his other children. In addition to the brother and sister with whom I grew up and who I adore, I am now a big sister to 6 younger siblings, all in their 20s. Yes, I feel old, but I also feel like I owed it to myself to take a chance on how they would handle it. Your situation is enough like mine that I am confident enough to say they are your flesh and blood and you can’t stay a secret forever. While I believe there is a bad way to go about letting them know, you can’t really go wrong if you are calm, coherent, factual and compassionate. I would like to say that I have a relationship with each of the six kids, but the eldest three, all males, still will not talk to me. The two girls and the youngest boy are the ones with whom I am bonding right now. We’re still trying to feel each other out, but it’s a process. The other three, I’m giving them their space. If they come around great, if not, there’s not much more I can do. I opened the door and invited them in. The coolest thing on earth is telling people I have 8 brothers and sisters, 2 nephews and a niece. I’ve waited a long time to be able to say that and paid a great price to get here, but in the end, it’s all worth it. Do it for yourself, for the right reasons and leave the rest up to them. They just may surprise you.

If I can help somehow, please don’t hesitate to pm me.

Shirley.

[nicavonn]

thank you, everyone, for sharing your stories. i am ready to do this but now would like to know exactly how do you start this note (on facebook or email, etc.)? i'd like to know a general outline of how you explain this situation without giving away too much info but yet giving away enough that convinces the b-sib you are not crazy.

every time i start this note it ends up being way too long. my approach has been to ask if the father is named X and went to X high school in X, CA. i also have a pic of him so i could also scan it and send it. then my note goes into who i am - basic information about me and being adopted and what information i know that has led me to this note. then i state what i want - which is to get to know my b-dad and family but with some clear boundaries as i am not looking to join a new family or do anything that makes anyone uncomfortable.

any thoughts on this outline or please suggest your own outlines and roughly how long the note should be.

thanks,
nica