[sistergrrly]

Hello all,

I apologize if this turns into a long-winded post, but I need some advice from people who might understand the feelings and circumstances of siblings surrounding adoption.

When I was 11 years old, my single thirty-something mother got pregnant by accident. Not confident in her parenting of me thus far, she put my half-sister up for adoption through an attorney specializing in open adoptions. I had grown up a very lonely only child and I begged my mom to reconsider. I was there for the delivery and was the first one besides my mom to hold her. My mom had picked out a very nice family for the baby to go to and they adopted her the day of her birth. I was heartbroken, but, having read so many success stories about open adoptions, held hope that I might be able to remain in contact with my little sister as she grew up.

And so it was... at first. We'd visit in person a few times a year, give her gifts, get progress letters and nice framed photos, Christmas cards... But the older she got, the more and more distant her parents became with my mom and I until they said we couldn't see her anymore when she was about three or four. At first they continued with cards, letters, photos... but eventually all that was neglected. The last thing my mom ever got was a plain envelope with some blurry photos printed on plain typing paper folded in there with no letter or comments at all. We haven't heard from them in years.

I know my mom.. She's a little nutty/neurotic, but she's a very kind person who worked her butt off to get her life together, who gave her daughter up out of love, wanting to provide a better life for her than she thought she was capable of herself at that time. She's now in her fifties, a successful RN, married a wealthy pharmaceutical engineering executive, has a good life and is a doting Grandmother to my own almost-7-yr-old son.

I don't know if she did something to put them off and reject us, and I understand if they thought they were just protecting their daughter, but it seemed incredibly insulting and ungrateful towards my mother, who chose them specifically to give the gift of the child they could not have. The way they did it tore out my mom's heart and stomped on it, and likewise with me. It was all the worse being able to develop a relationship with her, however vicariously, to have that ripped away.

I since never attempted to contact either adoptive parents or sister, out of respect for their wishes and concern for her happiness and well-being. I have thought of her every day since then and loved her from afar. Every year when her birthday comes I pray for the day when I can attempt contact with the only sibling I could ever have.

Well years have passed and my sister will be 18 years old in July 09. Her family has stayed in the same house all these years, I know where they are, so finding her is not the issue. I have to admit I did search for her and found her on both Facebook and Myspace, but did not attempt to "add" her, contact her or invade her privacy by reading said profiles. She was raised to know she was adopted, but I do not know if she knows anything about her birth family.

Since she's turning 18 next year, I want to start making plans for how to go about contacting her. I don't want to A-bomb my way into her life... I just want to gently announce my existence and let her know that if she wants to know me, I will be here waiting for her with open arms. I'm terrified that she will reject me, but that's a whole other post in and of itself... and her prerogative, obviously.

How would any of you recommend I begin? Should I start off by writing to her parents and asking permission and about what she knows? Or since they've shown their lack of good faith towards us in the past, should I just wait until the day she turns 18 and write her a letter/email myself? She'll be going off to college and I don't want to lose track of her, but I also don't want to freak her out if she doesn't even know she had a big sister... She is an exceptional young person from what little I've heard through grapevines- attends a top private college prep, is a talented dancer (which, interestingly enough, so was my mom)- I don't want to disrupt her life in any way that could impact her life negatively. But at the same time, I feel I have a lot to offer her in the way of life experience and just plain old unconditional love.

What should I do?

Thanks to all of you who took the time for my story,
Rebecca

[wishfulthinker]

I would start by opening up communication with your mom about why she thinks the aparents stopped sending pictures/letters and why visits were terminated. You had hinted that perhaps it may have been something that your mom did. I would try to learn more about what happened before making a move. After reading your post, I'm also wondering if your mom has attempted contact with the aparents over the years, since this did begin as an open adoption.

After getting more background information, it is totally your decision whether or not to make contact. If you do choose to contact your sister, I would definitely wait until she is at least 18 years old and at that time I would contact her directly and not monkey around contacting her aparents. I would also recommend speaking to your mom before contacting your sister as this would potentially involve her in the reunion as well. Does her husband know about your little sister? This would be another thing to consider in this situation.

Best wishes to you. You sister is very fortunate to have an older sister who wants to know her and has loved her from afar throughout her life.

[bakerjw]

If a profile is open on the Internet then there is no invasion of privacy. That said, from what I've read, I believe that you and your younger sister will hit it off.

Best wishes!