[dngrus79]

GOod morning all. Well, I am pretty sure that I found my birthmom. Like 99% sure. SO.....my husband and I and 2 friends are taking the day off of work tomorrow to go see her. She def. doesn't know we are coming or that I was looking at all and I'm pretty sure she was def. not looking for me.

Anyway, I need some advice on how to approach her and what to say. I'm really nervous and excited all at the same time. I'm glad I know where she is, but so worried she is going to shut me out. I don't plan on demanding a relationship with her, but I do feel like I deserve at least one conversation where she will answer all my questions.

I have a feeling I am really going to surprise her when I show up and say who I am, so I was thinking about having a letter ready to give her because I don't know if she is going to be willing to talk right away. But I also feel like if she sees me instead of just calling or sending a letter, I become a real person and it might be harder to completely turn me away forever.

I guess I am just looking for some guidance on what to say and maybe how to soften the blow. Maybe a few good things to put in this letter.

I'm very excited and so nervous and it is consuming my thoughts. The sooner I do this, the better. So any advice is welcome!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!

[bakerjw]

I am glad that you think that you have found your b-mom. But... It is my opinion and only my opinion and I am sure others will concur.

You should mail the letter and it should be simple. Also add a self addressed postcard. your questions can be asked later but give her a chance to come to grips with who the letter is from. Do a search and you will find what others have done.

If she has no idea that you are looking for her and you ambush her with your DH and 2 friends, you put everything at an immediate disadvantage. So many reunions go sour from little misunderstandings and to do this would put any chance of a solid relationship in jeopardy.

I am sure that you are excited and it is not what you want to hear, but it is my opinion and I may be totally wrong. But think about it. You only get one chance at the first contact. It is too important to risk.

Best wishes.

[zxczxcasdasd]

PLEASE give your birth mother the respect of a private first contact (phone call, letter, email) asking her if she would like to be a mutual participant in the reunion and meet you at some point. Then you can mutually agree as to time, place, date, etc. Ambushing her with something that is so incredibly huge and emotional could be disastrous for both of you. Please, please do not go through with your current plan. Everyone deserves the respect to be given the chance to deal with this incredibly sensitive information in private, and to proceed at their own pace.

Congratulations on finding her. That's truly awesome.

Now, the frist act of love you can give her is a little sensitivity and respect. Reunions should be mutual, not forced or ambushed. That rarely works out well.

Do not ambush her with a group. Please. Contact her privately and go from there.

[dngrus79]

So what if I never get a response??? What if I ask if she wants a "mutual" first meeting and she doesn't answer or says NO? Should I respect the fact that she wants nothing to do with me when all I really want is answers. I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship....i need closure on a lot of things. Shouldn't she RESPECT my right to know certain things about who I am and where I came from?? And if I do send a letter....how long do you expect someone to wait for contact?? Because the anxiety of that could really tear someone apart.

And i'm not bringing friends to bombard her with 4 people. They are coming for moral support. I would never bombard someone with other people about something like this. I think after 27 years I have the right to answer!

[sborgstrom]

This is my opinion...I feel that if you decide to go in person, then you should only take your husband..You see, you don't know the circumstances of what happened...It is very possible that the other family members do not know about you..This puts her in a really uneasy situation..I do understand how you feel, but at the same time, think about your birth mother..Give her a chance to be ready for your reunion...This is not really the way I would handle this situation...This is not a place for your friends to go with you..I can understand your husband..This is very personal...I do wish you luck in whatever you chose to do...

[bakerjw]

You did come asking for advice. My advice to send the letter also mentioned sending the standard postcard with the check boxes. It is simple way to let you know that she got the card. IMHO that is the best advice that you will get.

You've got a chance to do something a lot of us may never be able to do and I personally want you to have every advantage. I want every adoptee preparing to make that first contact to have the best possible chance because many reunions flounder and fail because it is a very emotionally charged situation.

You say that you don't want any relationship, which is fine, but giving her time to come with the emotions that she is bound to encounter will better suit your needs in the long run.

And as for the anxiety involved with waiting? Believe me that there are many here who've been dealing with that a lot longer than you or I. I know what it is like to wait for information from agencies and to anxiously check the mail every day hoping for a new tidbit.

Again, I am only 100% all for you. I just urge some prudence and stress the necessity of taking things slow.

Hopefully some birth mothers that were found by their children will add in what they felt when they got the first contact.

[JustPeachy]

What if I ask if she wants a "mutual" first meeting and she doesn't answer or says NO?

Then that means she doesn't want to meet, or is not ready to meet. However, showing up on her doorstep with no preparation or advanced notice is, IMO, a far worse risk to take. If you just show up and say "oh, I don't want a relationship or anything, but right here and now I want some questions answered for closure" that is a recipe for disaster.

And if I do send a letter....how long do you expect someone to wait for contact?? Because the anxiety of that could really tear someone apart.

There is no timeframe here. You may wait a short time, or an indefinite time. It's really hard to say. And I know the anxiety is difficult. I am waiting to hear from my son (just indirectly through an agency intermediary). He indicates he will write, but I've been waiting for over a year. He's JUST NOT READY, and that's OK.

I would advise writing your bmom a letter. She can then absorb and process the fact that you have found her. Reunion brings up very strong emotions for all members of the triad. They need time to process this and take it all in. It's just not cool to show up on anyone's doorstep unannounced, but in an adoption reunion situation, it's probably the worst way to go. To me, it would feel like an ambush, I would be in total shock, and my reaction would probably be not what my son would want (or even what I would want, but I'd be reacting out of being totally blindsided and unprepared for such a monumental, emotionally-charged situation). Just MHO.

[tfm1134]

I have to agree with everyone else. As a Birthmom myself, I would be a little upset if my Birthson just came knocking on my door with no notice. What if she has never told her family (Husband, children)? I just think that has way too many risks. I would write her the letter and see what happens. Hopefully she will write you back and then want to meet f2f. My Birthson and I talked on the phone 3-4 times a week for almost 4 months before we finally met so it can sometimes take time.
I wish you much luck

[zxczxcasdasd]

So what if I never get a response??? What if I ask if she wants a "mutual" first meeting and she doesn't answer or says NO? Should I respect the fact that she wants nothing to do with me when all I really want is answers. I'm not necessarily looking for a relationship....i need closure on a lot of things. Shouldn't she RESPECT my right to know certain things about who I am and where I came from?? And if I do send a letter....how long do you expect someone to wait for contact?? Because the anxiety of that could really tear someone apart.

And i'm not bringing friends to bombard her with 4 people. They are coming for moral support. I would never bombard someone with other people about something like this. I think after 27 years I have the right to answer!

I think these are legitimate questions and fears, and I'm really hoping the other adult adoptees here who have had the same fears and questions can help address these questions.

You do have a moral right to know where you came from, but it can happen in a way that respects everyone's feelings or at least gives them a chance to process and respond.

Think about your need for moral support because this is such a huge thing...doesn't she deserve the chance to have that as well? Just showing up in front of her tomorrow gives her no warning, no support, and no preparation...all things that you have.

Adoptees...can anyone share your experience with dealing with the same very real fears and questions she has? Thank you!

I do wish you the best of luck in your reunion. I only advise against your current plan because I think it's the least likely to start things off well, and because I think it's unkind to her. She might say no...but she deserves the chance to be informed and make that choice and then you can go from there. Her "no" wouldn't necessarily mean the end of your story. Many adoptees here can attest to that.

[txrnr]

As an adoptee, I understand what you mean about your right to know, but no one has a totally fair life. People's parents die in accidents, and they'll never know their history. Parents leave in divorce and are never heard from again. You've waited this long, and you can't wait a bit longer to see if she wants contact? To send her questions and see if she answers them? You may not get anything giving her the shock of her life. Then again, you may get all you hope for.

I've never thought as an adoptee I have any right to insert myself into someone's life. Her husband and kids had no say either, and they deserve some consideration in all this. (if she has any)

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Lillyanya]

I understand the just wanting to drive down there and say HI, but I also think it's extremely immature of you.

For one, this is not something you take your friends to, unless you're looking for your first meeting to turn into a Jerry Springer worthy show.

You catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar. Doing this will make it more likely that you will not get any of the questions you want answered.

How would you like it if you were just sitting there chilling with your a parents and your bio mom walked up to the door knocked and starting shouting questions at you? Saying hi honey it's Mommy. It would be just as upseting, and there's a good chance a lot of people don't know about you.

You may not want a relationship, and yes you have the right to know where you came from, but it's highly unlikely that you're going to get anything you want doing it this way.

[BlackSheep]

I can give you an opinion from both the adoptee and the birthmom point of view...since I am both and now in reunion with both my birth parents and my birth daughter.

I would not consider "hi-jacking" someone in this way. Now, this is just my opinion. I did not approach either of my birth parents directly on first contact, I had an "intermediary" contact them so that they had a choice, and if nothing else, got a message from me. I don't have any control over someone else's reaction, but I do have a choice over how I approach them and show them what kind of a person I am. If you approach as a self-centered, demanding person, I don't know how far you will get with anyone. I'm not sure how I would react if I was approached that way, you would probably get my "reaction" instead of who I really am.

As an adoptee, i can relate to your excitement and how you need closure. But, as a bmom too, there are the same emotions that you carry with the added burden that this is "your" choice. You still have to go on with life and try to "normal" even with this "secret". Some bmoms tell their spouses and children and other never say a word. I have experienced both with locating both bparents and now having been reunited with my bdaughter.

My bmom did tell her husband about me, so I wasn't a "secret" there; but, when I located and contacted my bdad, he hadn't told his wife or his children (but he has told his wife and we have had a couple of phone calls since). I found him and spoke to him for the first time last week.

I, as a bmom, did tell my dh about my bdaughter before we were married. I thought he deserved to know what may or may not happen in the future. Well, the same day that I spoke with my bdad the first time, my bdaughter emailed me. That was her first contact. That has gone well so far, but we are both just starting to get to know one another.

I have related only my experience and my opinion here. I hope you don't take offense, but I would strongly urge you to reconsider your plan. I have been in your shoes and also in your bmom's shoes. This is an area where first contacts are like a walking on thin ice so to speak. Please write a letter, email her, or ask someone to call and speak with her on the phone to make first contact. I think you will be surprised at how many emotions take over when you are actually there.

I pray that all goes well for you and you find all that you are seeking. Good Luck in whatever you decide to do.

[RavenSong]

I truly hope you take the wise advice the previous posters have given you. Barging in unannounced is no way to start off a new relationship. Treat your birthmother the way you would like to be treated...with some respect. I'm just afraid if you show up unannounced that your birthmom will go on the defensive, especially if you have three other people in tow.

Yes, you have the moral right to know your history -- that's a given. But your birthmother has some basic rights too. Namely, she deserves to be treated respectfully and decently. What a shock it would be to have your long-lost child suddenly show up at your front door with no warning. Your birthmom needs to prepare herself for the initial face-to-face meeting.

Personally, I think you should call her on the telephone if what you're scared of is that she won't respond to a letter or email. Give some thought to what you want to say to her beforehand. Remember that she is a human being, just like you.

I wish you all the luck in the world on your journey. I'll keep you and your birthmom in my prayers.

[wishfulthinker]

I can understand the anxiety you're feeling, but.......your plan tomorrow is very, very bad for many reasons. It is very disrespectful to show up on your bmom's doorstep and confront her out of the blue while demanding answers to all of your questions upon this first surprise meeting. Also, bringing along your husband and 2 friends will be extremely intimidating.

I agree with everyone here that initial contact should be via phone, letter or email. There is a very good possibility that she has never told her family about you - by just showing up at her doorstep, you carry the potential of hurting her and perhaps even destroying her family.

I do agree that we as adoptees have a right to know who our parents are and have our questions answered. I do not believe that our search/reunion should cause intentional pain or be conducted in a manner that is disrespectful.

Believe me, I totally understand you're anxious about meeting your bmom, but honestly you need to put more thought into how you go about contact. I think that when the time is right for a mutually agreed upon face to face meeting, it should be done privately at a neutral place.

[snow princess]

First congratulations on finding "your" birthmom as you said " pretty sure that I found my birthmom. Like 99% sure"

I agree with others for several reasons on NOT just showing up at her doorstep.

First of all you are not 100% sure this is your bmom so it would be extremely rude to show up on her doorstep with 3 people behind you saying you are her daughter.

Second - same applies even if you were 100% sure.
To show up at someones home that you do not know unannounced is rude regardless of the reason you want to talk to them.

Third -as other's said, what if she (if she is your bmom) has not told her family about you - you are risking ruining her family or causing her serious emotional distress just because you want answers - intruding on her (if she is your bmom) with other people in tow and announcing you are her daughter is just not a wise choice - if she is your Bmom and you intrude like this you risk never getting an answers to any questions as you are risking really alienating her by showing up unannounced - especially when you said you are pretty sure she was NOT looking for you.
If you are sure she was not looking for you, what makes you think showing up at her door is going to get you anywhere.

I seriously hope you thought about some of the excellant advise you were given and decided not to show up on this woman's doorstep and choose to write a letter or call first.

As a birthmom, I do feel adoptees should be given at least their bparents medical history, but barging in on someone is surely not the way to get it, there are more mature, kinder ways of handling the situation.