[MagicBlueDragon]

Phew! I'm finally making a move on the information I've had for years... Wow. After reading the "Contact Etiquette" sticky I sure could use some advice!

A bit about my situation:

I'm a 33 year old adoptee from Kansas ("Yeah open records!") As such, I've been able to get my original birth certificate since I was 18. I waited until I was about 25, only because it never seemed like a big issue to me. Then, a couple of years ago I made a trip back to Kansas for a friend's funeral and visited the town listed on my BC. Even though it was a dinky little town, there was a historical society and not only were there high school yearbooks, but the man in charge had files for every family that included newspaper clippings, etc. (A searcher's dream, I know!)

I may have made a mistake, though, as I'd forgotten the cardinal rule of small towns -- everyone knows everyone else and their business. I must have looked like a kid in a toy shop with my mouth hanging open as I looked over the files, so when the man there asked if something was wrong, I blurted out that I thought I'd just found my grandmother (her obituary, at least.) He came over, looked, and said that his mom had helped care for my grandmother before she died. Oops! So much for my being subtle! *wince* It's entirely possible that she knows I'm poking around for information already.

I did find pictures of my bmom and her siblings in the yearbooks, which was very cool. It looks like we're very much alike (similar clothes and hair style, glasses, same place to stand in the choir, same supporting roles in the school play, etc. -- a big support for nature vs. nurture! *lol*) I found her married name and the town nearby where she's living and working now, and even drove by one of the two houses that could be hers. I didn't want to show up on her doorstep and put her on the spot, though, so that's as close as I got...

Now here we are a couple years later and I think I'm ready to take the next step in contacting her. It's come up now because I've just started using Facebook and I think I've either found a half-sibling or a cousin there. I grew up an only child and I've always wished (hoped) for a sibling out there somewhere. The problem is that I'm actually avoiding going to Facebook to contact my friends and relatives because I have the profile of this "semi-mystery person" that I'm really anxious to contact, but I know that's not the first point of contact to make... Also, my family and I are planning to move overseas in the next year or so, and if I'm ever going to make contact, now's the time to fish or cut bait.

I was planning what to say when I made the call and came online for advice. After reading the contact sticky, I need some MORE advice, now in deciding if I should make the first contact by phone or by letter.

Here's how I see it:

If I call, I may put her on the spot, but at least I'd have a response, ANY response. I would know that at least she's aware that I'm here and wanting to reunite. It would be somewhat out of my hands at that point, which I'm pretty sure I'm OK with. Yes, I'm aware that calling her and perhaps putting her on the spot may blow chances of further contact, but...

If I sent a letter I would agonize endlessly about whether I put enough postage, whether or not it had arrived yet, etc., and if she didn't respond immediately, I'd start panicking. (I don't feel much of anything right now, so that would make me a basketcase!) Also, if I sent a letter it could get intercepted or found by her husband/family and that might put her in a particularly awkward situation if she's not told them about me.

I'm sorry this is so long! It's all been rolling around in my head for years now, and I guess what I could really use is to hear from someone else, how your first contact went and whether it was by letter or phone. Also, if you could do it over, would you choose the same method?

[Blessed2x.]

From my own experience, I would vote for letter.

It doesn't have instant gratification, but my process has shown that slow and sure "wins" the race long term.

Sometimes people need time to process - we all do.

Good luck!!

[bakerjw]

KISS... Keep it simple sweetie.

It is hard not to do it, but don't get carried away in the letter. And by all means send a letter. Some phone calls work out, but a letter gives some reflection time before responding.

Also throw in the post card. It may be overwhelming to her and she might need some time.

Best wishes.

[winter444]

From my own experience too I'd vote for the letter, send it so she has to sign for it on the other end.
I phoned my bmom at one time and she was angry with me.
Send her a letter, I know how hard it is to wait but I think it's a better way, of course it's totally up to you in the end.

[kune]

Have you ever finished a phone call and thought....."Gee...I can't even remember the guy's name or where he said he lived. What did we talk about? How can I get back in touch? Why didn't I say ????? etc etc.
With a letter you get the chance to say exactly what you want to say. Its there in black and white to be read and re-read.

Your suggestion of immediate response with phone......again you are right. With a letter you wait and wait for the answer. Phone calls have instantaneous results. BUT....there are a couple of things to consider. Has she told her family about you? Are you putting her in a compromising situation?

If you knew she would welcome the contact, go for the phone-call. Otherwise I too would stick with the letter.
I know if I had been contacted by phone I doubt I could have got a word out. I would have been in shock. But the letter.... I read it every day - held it in my hand 0 knew he cared - and answered within three days.

It's all in the lap of the Gods. Do what you think is best would be my best shot......and Good Luck......it's a brave thing to do.....and 100+ amazing feelings will hopefully follow.

Ann

[looking2foster.adopt]

Letter is better, as said before keep it simple. just tell him/her why you're writing,and that you'd like to get in contact. tell a little about yourself. and then send it.
I wrote my birth father and it took less than a week or two for him to reply to me with pictures as well i might add. I was really surprised at the quickness,but to also find out that we shared many identical features facial wise.

Good Luck make sure to post on how it has gone.
were behind you 100 %

Teri

[rainmon]

Yes... I also agree it should be a letter.... rather then a call....she could have company, be sick, or in the middle of serving dinner..... with the mail it won't be so much of an abrupt intrusion and there is a way to send it so ONLY "She" can sign for it...nobody else in the family, I think it is called restricted registered mail....ask at your post office. and the signiture will come back to you so you will know "She" recieved it....the phone call can always be plan B in case you have not heard a word after a month or so.....
if you are worried they have not told family...You can simply say if the date 7-18- ---- means anything to you please call me at: or write me at:
I would like to talk with you.....but didn't want to call out of the blue.
and like everyone says....just keep it real simple....
although I "e-mailed" and found that the very best way for me.