[kcrisg]

Some of you may have read my previous thread where I asked for advice on a contact letter. For those who were wondering I did eventually send the letter (thank you all for your support), and was answered with several pictures and a beautifully composed letter.

Since then we've exchanged multiple letters and she has thrown out the idea of meeting, although she is insistent about not pressuring me into something I'm not ready for, saying that it was always an option whenever I was ready. While it is something I very much would like to do I don't know how soon it too soon, or what to expect during that first meeting. Obviously, this is all very new to me.

I would love some advice, particularly from anyone who has first hand experience.

[bprice215]

Although all reunions are different, my first face to face with my daughter was with out a doubt a very prowerful event. Her questions were very direct and to the point. She wanted to know her truth and how she came to be. I wasn't prepaired for that, but I told her the truth because it belonged to her. Good luck.

bprice215

[bakerjw]

It sounds like there is a good understanding about not pushing or pressuring you into things. I see that as a very positive sign.

Just curious as to how long have you been exchanging letters?

Do you have any burning questions such as asked by bprice's daughter? Those may be best asked in a letter imho since it would give your bmother a chance to think about her answers and might not put her on the spot.

The not pressuring you does sound like it's coming from someone who wants the right kind of relationship. I am so happy for you.

[Birthmom1187]

I agree with Bakerjw. It's best to address the difficult questions before meeting. My birthson and I met about 2 months after the initial contact. We exchanged multiple e-mails & phone calls in-between. Although I thought I was prepared for all of his questions, he had many that I did not anticipate. I'm glad that I was able to answer his questions before we met and the meeting could be a joyous occasion.

[jrainbow]

My bmom lives across the country from me and I had a vacation scheduled close to her so we met f2f 1 month after our first conversation. It was perfect timing for us. My bdad lives on the other coast and we met f2f 4 months after our first conversation. Again it was perfect timing for us.

Although I knew the basics before we met f2f, they both went into much more detail during our visit. Neither of them are particularly chatty on the phone or email. When I met my bdad f2f, he asked what my burning questions were. When I asked, he talked for almost 45 min and you could see him just going back in time, emotionally. It was incredible.

I think the best time for a f2f is when you feel it is right. Just a warning, before both f2f I really freaked out - it is so emotional. As soon as we met, it was all ok and amazing. But, before, I was certainly glad I had close friends to calm me down.

Good luck.

[kcrisg]

Thanks to everyone who's responded your posts are more helpful than I can describe.

Many of you write about burning questions, truthfully I don't have any, both my birthparents have been incredibly open about everything and have volunteered the answers to many questions I would have eventually asked.

I think what confuses me most is the process or a face-to-face meeting. What is the appropriate way to initiate it, where and when to meet. I'm just so afraid that despite the fact that they "want to meet me when i'm ready" that i'll do or say something to scare them off.

I suspect at least some of my emotions are normal and that my being so confused is to be expected.

[cls2445]

Birth mom here....your first f2f is scarry! I can't think of anything that compares to it. Should I color my hair, have liposuction, face lift, what to wear....will she like what she sees...should I hold/touch her...will I cry like a baby????What if we don't have anything to talk about???
My dau was 45 when she "found" me. We waited about 2 mo. before our f2f, after many phone calls and emails. I let her know from the start I was ready when she wanted to meet. She set the time and place. She came to my house and we spent the weekend together. Its seems like your bmom is letting you set the pace also. You don't have to rush into it and you will know when the time is right. (Enough of the photos and such...I need/want to see you )
Be prepared that when your f2f is over to feel that you are on cloud nine but also an intense saddness (that really isn't the word I want...its like an empty-missing you feeling).

[jrainbow]

Your feelings seem totally normal to me and your confusion the same. I went to my bmom's for our f2f and my bdad came to my city when we met. Both seemed about the same. The main difference is who is in charge of the agenda. Whoever is the host gets to choose what happens and the pace. It also makes a difference on your support system - in my city, my friends were there - in her city, I was alone.

As far as initiating it - just suggest it. It sounds like she is ready whenever you are. As far as scaring her off, that is scary for all of us. But she already knows you and loves you and she is just as scared as you are. My bmom said later that the reason that she had me meet all of her close friends is that she figured once I had met her, I might never come back. It seems that the f2f made the reunion real.

Don't worry - you are totally normal. There are some very good Reunion books that you might want to read. They really helped me.

Jill

[Birthmom1187]

If you're ready to meet, go for it. Don't worry about doing anything to scare them off. From a birthparent's perspective, that was initially a concern mine too. I had waited 20 years to see my son again, and didn't want to do or say anything that could cause him to reject me. As far as him doing anything to push me away...that wasn't possible. Even though I didn't raise him, I've always loved him, and nothing he could say or do would cause me to love him any less. If he needed space, I would certainly respect that...but I wouldn't stop caring about him regardless.

Planning where to meet can be a little more difficult. My son is in college and lived in the dorms. I had gone there when we first met. We ended up meeting in a coffee shop, and that worked just fine. Had he come here, we probably would have met at my house. You just need to do what works for you.

The nervousness and jitters of a first meeting are difficult to describe. The only time that was even comparable to this was my wedding day. It is very exciting and scary at the same time.

The goodbyes can be really difficult. When I gave my son a hug, I didn't want to let him go. It felt like he was being taken away from me again, and I would never see him again, although I knew that wasn't true. It helps if there is a future visit planned and another time to look forward to.

Good luck with everything, and do what feels right for you.

[JustPeachy]

I'm just so afraid that despite the fact that they "want to meet me when i'm ready" that i'll do or say something to scare them off.

This is so common, for both adult adoptees and birthparents. You really are putting yourself in a very vulnerable situation. But I think if you can face that initial fear, it won't be so bad. At least that's what I'm hoping if I ever have the opportunity for a F2F with my son.

As a birthmom, I can echo what Birthmom1187 wrote about loving her son no matter what he does or says.

Maybe you should have a few more emails or phone calls with your mom and then it might feel more "right" to take the step to meet in person. Or tell her up-front you would like to meet but are afraid of saying something wrong. This way, she can reassure you herself that you don't need to worry so much about that (even though I know it's easier said than done!). But your birthmom may have some of the same concerns, and you can get it out in the open if you like, which can maybe make the initial meeting easier.

[kcrisg]

Thank you all so much!